Finances - keep or change?

[Fedupwife28]

I am really in need of help as to how to ensure that things are as fair and equal as possible between my DH and I.
We are newly married with a 5 month old and I am conscious that our relationship and lifestyle is not conducive to family life.

As it stands, we pay 50:50 on all bills and household expenses. I am on maternity leave with our baby. We do not have any shared finances - he keeps all of his income and I keep all of mine and we just pay our respective bills which are essentially half each. We have a credit card which we both use for food shopping, household expenses and baby related expenses then pay half the bill each at the end of the month. Everything else such as home maintenance, holidays and days out are also halved. The potential issue is that we have a large discrepancy in income. My DH takes home £7.5k per month
after deductions (plus an annual bonus of around £5k) whilst I take home around £2k. He does actually earn a lot more than this each month but keeps it in his company but could draw more if he wanted. All our own savings are kept in our own savings accounts so there is no ‘family money’. No child benefit or tax free childcare due to DH income.

Our bills total around £1300 plus another around £400 per month on food. Once I go back to work, they will increase by around £800-900 per month with childcare.

How would you split this going forward? Does this seem fair? Also, once I go back to work I will be responsible for majority of pick ups, drop offs, evenings and weekend childcare (DH often busy with work or hobbies) and housekeeping as I am now so not sure if that would have any impact on how to split?

Well he's quite the catch.

Either pool finances or split it proportionally to your income. You're leaving yourself disadvantaged by doing 50/50 and he's taking the bloody piss expecting you to run the home as well as work so that he can continue earning loads more than you.

This should also have been ironed out before marriage and children.

Sorry OP but this isn’t really a marriage in the true sense of the word. If you’ve made a commitment to each other for better for worse etc then it should be a partnership ie in it together because you love each other and are working as a team, rather than a transactional thing. Where is the trust? Why is he so suspicious/selfish? It sounds like he has taken huge advantage of you. If he wants to be “fair” then work out all the time you’ll be spending looking after the baby and bill him for that time. You’re not worth nothing!

To give you a contrast, we’ve been together over 25 years. All of our finances are transparent. We know exactly what each other has in our accounts and what debts we have. It’s family money not his and mine. A couple of times a year we sit down and discuss the best way for savings, planning for the children (less so now that they are starting out in the world as adults) what work needs doing on the house etc. Our main account is joint. We trust each other re spending. Any big purchases are agreed on in advance. If it’s a tight month with a lot of bills we agree between us that we won’t spend extras that month. It’s very different from your situation.

Does your DH think it’s fair? Have you asked him explicitly?

(Because it’s not and he sounds like a selfish wankbadger but perhaps there’s an excuse, though I’m struggling to think of one.)

Either pool all income and split it in half so you have equal spare or pay a proportional amount of everything so you have an equal amount spare. Same applies to joint savings.
Also, outsource his 50% of the cleaning/tasks if he has that sort of income and doesn’t want to do it himself! Why are you doing everything?

Women so very often get screwed in these situations as the focus is on the cost but not the value. What is the value of a parent picking up and dropping off? What is the value of him knowing he can work on without being inconvenienced by the child you both had?

How come you are acting in the spirit of partnership ( picking up his share of parenting) but he isn’t ?

Selfish

This kind of reply is so unhelpful.

Thank you all for your replies. I agree it should have been sorted before now.

He doesn’t necessarily agree it’s fair, but it’s just the way it has always been done. There has always been a lack of transparency around finances but we recently went through bills and costs so this is how I know we are roughly 50:50. We do have a cleaner now because I struggle keeping up with housework with baby (I pay for the cleaner and sometimes he pays me back, sometimes not, so it’s probably 50:50 on that too).

He recently said no to pooling money and splitting remainder equally after bills as he feels like it majorly disadvantages him, which it does I suppose. He’d be essentially giving me quite a lot of money which he wouldn’t want to do. I realised just how separately he thought of us just after we’d got married last Summer when we had paid the money that we’d received as a wedding gift into his account and he then said he could send me my half or keep it safe for me? I just assumed as we were married we’d decide on what to do with it as a couple but he doesn’t see it that way at all.
It is difficult to be in a marriage where you live very different lifestyles as after all bills are paid I don’t have anywhere near the same disposable as him, and what I do have I have to save to put towards my half of future expenses and emergencies. I do look back on the run up to our wedding and cringe at how I was having to scrimp and save and use a credit card to pay my half whilst he didn’t. He wasn’t impressed with me on our honeymoon when I had to ask him to pay for everything until I got paid a few days into it as I was skint and I remember just feeling useless and like a fool as he made a few comments about it and was quite annoyed with me.

Every time we discuss this it ends up in an argument as I’d like to feel better supported and he just finds me irritating I think. I am desperate to earn more but I think I might need more help with baby and around the house but others will have more experience than me as I’m a first time mum?

In fairness to him, he does still and has previously financially supported different members of his family in different ways. Sometimes he’s given loans when people are struggling but mainly he just gives them money to help them with monthly expenses etc so he is generous in that respect.

OP, the main issue here is that you'll be doing all the childcare and housework. Any split of finances needs to fully allow for this. Otherwise you are massively disadvantaging yourself.

It's all very well for him to be protective of his own time and money. You need to stand up for yourself and take the same stance before you become his unpaid nanny and housekeeper.

He really is greedy, cheap, and mean.

So he thinks it unfair for him to contribute fairly financially and with everything else but is happy to take from you and use you?

I'm sure you have your reasons for marrying him but this will only get worse as time goes on. You'll have nothing while he feathers his nest and finances at your expense.

Sit down and figure out how much he's cost you since you've been with him in savings, lost wages, household tasks, child care.

If I understand the situation correctly,

• you are married
• he earns five times what you earn
• you share bills 50:50
• you share household and parenting 90:10

in what universe could that possibly be fair? He is quite the catch, sister.

I'm very sorry.

Please don't have any more children until you can get this relationship ship on a much, much fairer footing.

I hope you can get this sorted, for your child's sake, if not for your own.

It is true though! It might not be helpful to OP, but if it makes somebody else stop and think then it has achieved something.

OP, honestly this is unacceptable, finances need to be pooled within a marriage and especially when you have a young baby! If he doesn’t agree to that, divorce him and claim childcare, you might not be significantly better off but at least you are not being taken advantage of.

Sorry if I missed it. Are you still paying 50:50 whilst on maternity leave?

I would seriously consider your position before having any more children with him. Picture your life and financial position before you make any more decisions.

You don't get child benefit because as a family you have a high income through him. At least that's what the government assumes but because your husband is mean you are actually worse off.

I

You need a joint account that all the bills are paid from and it should be a one third/two thirds split or actually whilst on maternity 1/4 to 3/4. I'm concerned he seems to regard you as using him for his money and refusing to pay for his child!!
Honestly unless you can sit him down and make clear that a marriage is a partnership, and the way things are going on is unsustainable, then you're done.
He should be treating you as his equal and not want to see you hunting for money to pay for things, the fact he's generous to others and not you I mean really WTF?!
Plus I should add I am in the SAHM bracket and all money in our household is absolutely joint, I have eyes on everything and we only discuss big purchases otherwise I have total freedom to do what I like.

Oh my goodness, you need to really see him for what he is. He's giving money to family as a gift but splitting your bloody wedding gifts down the middle....

He begrudges paying anything for his new wife on honeymoon - more so insisting to be paid back!!
He expects you to do the lions share so he can continue earning.
He knows you're skint at times and still expects it to be returned to him.
He wants you to pay 5050 while earning even less on Mat may.
His earnings mean your not entitled to CB so you lose out there too

Every which way he's screwing you over and you're only just married!!!

At least tell him if he wants 5050 (which imo is wrong anyway) he has to do 5050 as well as pay 5050

Does he recognise the gender pay gap? I’d be factoring that in too.

He a mean man.

So the only thing that is split is the finances that benefit him

everything else is at best 90/10 (and him doing 10 is generous)

so say that in order to have finances 50/50 you need childcare/cleaning/admin/pick up and drop offs 50/50 as well. If he would like it to remain 90/10 you suggest the bill are split the same way

otherisw I would question the marriage which is a partnership yours currently isnt

He sounds stubborn.
What does he say about the percentage of your wage that goes to bill compared to his?
What is his suggestion?
You can’t continue like this as it will foster resentment.

This is fucking crazy! You’re on maternity leave and paying 50% of the bills whilst he takes home 7.5k a month?! What a selfish, tight, nasty little man. Did you charge him 50% surrogacy fees for the 9 months rent on your uterus to produce his child?!
Why on earth is most of the housework your job? He doesn’t share the benefit of his job with you (more money) so why the fuck are you sharing yours with him (more free time) by taking on all the housework? Start standing up for yourself, he’s taking the absolute piss.

I am sorry but you married Mr Wrong. There is no point whatsoever in you and he being together now.

He does not want to share ever and its also appalling (though not surprising) that you're using 50% of your maternity pay on bills etc. This is what these types drive their chosen target to do. You're being deliberately kept short and in the meantime too he keeps up his hobbies and job leaving you practically skint and holding the baby. I would also think he has had more haircuts, dental and opticians visits than you have had this past year or two.

There are more red flags about this man in terms of financial control than are present at a Communist Party rally. He is financially abusing you here and such men are rarely if ever solely financially abusive. I would also think there are sadly other ways in which he is abusing you. Planning your exit from this marriage with due care is an option that I would urge you to take because this type of relationship is no life for a child either.

You’ve written the wrong title. It should be ‘Husband -keep or change’. And you should dump him. He is a mean and grubby little man and I couldn’t imagine having to live my life with someone like this.

Every marriage has its little issues and niggles but this man resents you and resents your child.

What a cheap and horrible attitude he has towards you. How are you affording your half of the bills whilst you are on maternity leave?

re your comment:
"In fairness to him, he does still and has previously financially supported different members of his family in different ways. Sometimes he’s given loans when people are struggling but mainly he just gives them money to help them with monthly expenses etc so he is generous in that respect".

The image of the "ideal family" man is one abusive types like to show to the outside world; the above is all a carefully designed act. Many abusers are indeed plausible to those in the outside world. You know the man behind this facade though, he is showing you who he really is. How helpful are your own family and friends here; can you talk to anyone in your social circle, certainly not any of his family. Abuse like this and it is abuse thrives on secrecy. Would you be able to contact Womens Aid here too, they can also help.