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Original poster

Finances - keep or change?

90 replies

Fedupwife28 · 29/05/2023 22:57

I am really in need of help as to how to ensure that things are as fair and equal as possible between my DH and I.
We are newly married with a 5 month old and I am conscious that our relationship and lifestyle is not conducive to family life.

As it stands, we pay 50:50 on all bills and household expenses. I am on maternity leave with our baby. We do not have any shared finances - he keeps all of his income and I keep all of mine and we just pay our respective bills which are essentially half each. We have a credit card which we both use for food shopping, household expenses and baby related expenses then pay half the bill each at the end of the month. Everything else such as home maintenance, holidays and days out are also halved. The potential issue is that we have a large discrepancy in income. My DH takes home £7.5k per month
after deductions (plus an annual bonus of around £5k) whilst I take home around £2k. He does actually earn a lot more than this each month but keeps it in his company but could draw more if he wanted. All our own savings are kept in our own savings accounts so there is no ‘family money’. No child benefit or tax free childcare due to DH income.

Our bills total around £1300 plus another around £400 per month on food. Once I go back to work, they will increase by around £800-900 per month with childcare.

How would you split this going forward? Does this seem fair? Also, once I go back to work I will be responsible for majority of pick ups, drop offs, evenings and weekend childcare (DH often busy with work or hobbies) and housekeeping as I am now so not sure if that would have any impact on how to split?

OP posts:
randomuser2019 · 30/05/2023 12:26

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Plottingspringescape · 30/05/2023 12:54

I agree with what @Codlingmoths said. I'd also add to that he needs to understand that if finances are not shared then your work needs to take equal priority to his at the very least. You could even argue that it needs to be prioritised while you catch up from being away on mat leave. So he needs to be more flexible and be available to work round you so he can do childcare. It is one thing for his career to be the priority if it benefits the family unit as a whole, but if it's every one for themselves you need to be equally selfish. I am sure however that that suggestion will go down like a lead balloon.

fireflyloo · 30/05/2023 13:29

He retreats from the baby? That's despicable and used as a way to coerce and control you. What does he actually bring to the table? He's never there, not financially, emotionally and practically supportive and doesn't like your baby.

Dotcheck · 30/05/2023 14:20

This man is appalling.
He isn’t generous. Him supporting family members isn’t generous, it is marketing.

He could make your life easier by paying for a cleaner, but you have to pay? And he ‘sometimes’ pays you back?

I can’t get my head around him arguing about child benefit because he will be taxed. Let’s break this down: the mother of his child is 1) so short of money that you’re considering benefits, but he refuses to be fair with money even though he easily could.
Instead of being horrified that you are in a position that he could easily fix, he doubles down and is digging in because it will cost him a pittance in tax.
He doesn’t see the value in childcare and housework, even though it enables him.
If he’s challenged, he gets angry and to punish you, he ignores his own child.

This is a very bad man

lampformyfeet · 30/05/2023 15:41

If he earns 5 times what you do the the split should be 5/6 from him and 1/6 from you.
His reluctance to pool means he doesn’t trust you. A marriage without trust is no marriage at all.
What you’re describing is bordering on financial abuse. Especially the statement about “keeping money safe for you”. Safe? Read that again OP. It’s dreadful.

greyhairnomore · 30/05/2023 15:42

Don't wait for him to squeeze you in - tell him you want to discuss something with him tonight.

pinkyredrose · 30/05/2023 15:50

What does 'retreats from the baby' mean, that he just ignores his kid?

Why did he want a baby and to get married? Only it seems like he doesn't even like you.

isthewashingdryyet · 30/05/2023 15:55

We have always pooled all income in joint account and had equal spends into a separate personal account. What/comes out of the joint account can vary with time, but must include all kids expenses and clothes

I can also see the sense of contribution based on earning, so him 6 x and you 1 x, but then if this gives you less money how does that work for things like holidays. You in the Premier Inn and him The Ritz ? Bet i can guess who has the baby.

He is awful, really awful. You need a very honest conversation and tell him how much CMS would want from him a month.

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2023 16:14

Han490 · 30/05/2023 00:31

This kind of reply is so unhelpful.

Show quote history

No it's not.

There's thread after thread on here with the same unfair situation.

I appreciate that fewer couples pool everything into one pot these days, but the other way is to make it a fair proportion of each salary that either pays the bills or goes into a joint pot to pay the bills. Then one partner should not have no money left at the end of the month while the other lives the life of Riley.

And then when maternity leave and nursery fees come up they should be shared fairly too.

So if pointing it out that it needs to be discussed BEFORE moving in/marrying/having children then that's a good thing.

Maybe there'd be fewer cases of financial abuse happening then

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2023 16:16

Fedupwife28 · 30/05/2023 10:43

I am going to try to have the conversation at some point in the next few days but it’ll depend when he’s free. We don’t see or spend much time together of an evening so it’s not very easy.
I really do appreciate the comments. I know it’s not typical or ideal and my own Mum has pointed this out but I cannot force someone to be different and to want to even things up. Equally, when I have a 5 month old who takes all my energy, it’s hard to find the energy to put up a fight about this kind of thing. I also hate the thought of her living in a house with an atmosphere as DH retreats from baby when he’s annoyed with me.

PLEASE divorce him.

Then you'll get money from him for your JOINT child.

He's abusive on an emotional and financial level at least.

LEAVE THE BASTARD

LadyLapsang · 30/05/2023 16:27

I have an image of your DH out with friends and family, picking up the tab or being seen as generous and I bet you keep quiet about how he treats you. You have more power than you think. Nice, reasonable people expect others to play fair, so when this doesn’t happen, it is disarming and you don’t know how to react. I would be getting my share of the wedding gift straight away, and then submit a claim for child benefit. Ignore the sulking.

Do not have another child until all this is resolved otherwise you will be stuck. Unless you think he will harm your child, I would also be giving him more time with her while you go out with friends and family, you need to break the pattern of being the default parent. On MIL, you know her attitude is wrong, so ignore.

Have you agreed to him bailing out family members with your family income?

DinaFox · 30/05/2023 16:31

How on earth do people marry each other without having these big conversations? OP: your husband is aware that marriage is a legal contract with all sorts of implications (financial and otherwise)? What kind of nonsense is this about him being 'disadvantaged' by pooling your money together? Are you not his wife? Did you not give birth to his child? What a prince.

mycoffeecup · 30/05/2023 16:35

If you have separate finances then I hope you are charging him for childcare. £15 gross per hour as a nanny, plus a contribution to a pension...........

seriously OP, he's a dick. You made a really bad choice here. consider if you really want 18 more years of this.

TedMullins · 30/05/2023 16:45

why on earth did you marry and have a kid with this horrid man? I don't subscribe to the belief that each person a couple must have exactly the same disposable income, but this is completely unfair. He should be paying more towards your outgoings proportionate to your income, and he should be parenting his own child! There's no "obviously" about it all being your job. He's a father, it's as much his responsibility as it is yours.

FinallyHere · 30/05/2023 18:30

also hate the thought of her living in a house with an atmosphere as DH retreats from baby when he’s annoyed with me.

He is really playing you here.

Can you see how he uses this to control your behaviour.

I'm honestly glad to read that your mother is wise to him. Listen to your mother. You may have made a mistake in your choice of partner. There is no need to compound that by staying with him and allowing him to continue to abuse you.

How can you bear to share your life and your bed with someone who demonstrates this contempt for you and your child?

Pamspeople · 30/05/2023 19:38

This isn't a family, you and he aren't partners, it doesn't even sound like he likes you. I'm so sorry OP, this sounds like a really dreadful situation with a controlling and cruel man.

Please get ready to leave.

Han490 · 30/05/2023 23:06

@Aprilx that's true -
but if it makes somebody else stop and think then it has achieved something.

sorry @Aprilx if I sounded a bit abrupt. It's just that I know from my own experience that you can't predict all problems - and I have tortured myself looking back thinking 'if only I had paid more attention to that thing he said back then.....' etc etc

billy1966 · 30/05/2023 23:18

You are in an abusive relationship.

It really is that simply.

No point in trying to change him.

This is who he is.

An abusive man.

Mean and controlling who abuses your child by withdrawing when you don't behave.

Your poor baby.

Having a total arsehole as a father.

Call Womens aid and getcas much paperwork together as proof of earnings so you can claim child maintenance.

He will never be a good man.

Accept it and get away from him.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 31/05/2023 08:46

OP,
His mother has been poisoning his brain. She doesn't like you. The more he listens to her the more she will reinforce his current attitude.

Remember: He can either split 50/50 with you now or 50/50 when you divorce. That's what marriage is.

euff · 31/05/2023 09:17

If MiL makes any more comments in front of you set her straight and don't let it go. Same with anyone else who from the outside looking in probably imagines that you are lucky to have such a husband who brings home so much money and have no clue that you don't benefit from it and are actually probably worse off. What would your life be like without him in it, try to picture it.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 31/05/2023 13:41

I despair when I hear of women wanting to prove how supportive they are, and not after money. You are doing a disservice to you and your child. This will be 10 times harder when you go back to work. He will do nothing, you will run yourself into the ground and yet another child will grow up thinking this is how it is.

Original poster
Fedupwife28 · 05/06/2023 14:59

Thank you all for the comments. I’m pleased to say that I have made some progress. He’s agreed that I pay a set amount which equates to roughly 30% of the total bills and he will pay everything else. He wouldn’t commit to anything regarding childcare but we are a few months off and I don’t want to push things right now as I do have to live with him with my baby and I don’t want an atmosphere.
We’ve already booked two holidays abroad for this Summer which I’ve already paid half towards but we are meant to be going away at the end of the year and I have mentioned that I won’t be paying half of that so we will see what happens with that. We were also looking at booking a big long haul trip for next year but I’ve told him that won’t be happening as I’m not scrimping and saving for it.

As an aside, would you think it’s okay to purchase a (rather expensive) car on PCP, so a 4 year commitment, without so much as discussing it with your OH? No discussion about the cost, the use of savings for the deposit or whether the car is actually practical for a family? Or is this fine because it’s his car and he’s paying for it?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/06/2023 15:34

No with the car

and has he taken on more house and child responsibilities

Original poster
Fedupwife28 · 05/06/2023 15:42

Quartz2208 · 05/06/2023 15:34

No with the car

and has he taken on more house and child responsibilities

Thank you. I do think such a big commitment should be discussed but apparently I’ve no right to think so.

No extra childcare and no to chores but I’m working on it.

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 05/06/2023 15:47

Do you have 50% of the family savings in your own sole accounts or is he also squirrelling away extra savings, investments and pension contributions? Do you have full transparency about his accounts?