Finances - keep or change?

[Fedupwife28]

I am really in need of help as to how to ensure that things are as fair and equal as possible between my DH and I.
We are newly married with a 5 month old and I am conscious that our relationship and lifestyle is not conducive to family life.

As it stands, we pay 50:50 on all bills and household expenses. I am on maternity leave with our baby. We do not have any shared finances - he keeps all of his income and I keep all of mine and we just pay our respective bills which are essentially half each. We have a credit card which we both use for food shopping, household expenses and baby related expenses then pay half the bill each at the end of the month. Everything else such as home maintenance, holidays and days out are also halved. The potential issue is that we have a large discrepancy in income. My DH takes home £7.5k per month
after deductions (plus an annual bonus of around £5k) whilst I take home around £2k. He does actually earn a lot more than this each month but keeps it in his company but could draw more if he wanted. All our own savings are kept in our own savings accounts so there is no ‘family money’. No child benefit or tax free childcare due to DH income.

Our bills total around £1300 plus another around £400 per month on food. Once I go back to work, they will increase by around £800-900 per month with childcare.

How would you split this going forward? Does this seem fair? Also, once I go back to work I will be responsible for majority of pick ups, drop offs, evenings and weekend childcare (DH often busy with work or hobbies) and housekeeping as I am now so not sure if that would have any impact on how to split?

Calculate your fair percentage and pay that in future. You should both be left with a reasonable amount of disposable income.

OP, I do think your finances are very unfairly spit and you need to sort that out. I can’t give much advice on how to do that but I can tell you that even though your DH earns over the Child benefit bracket, you can still claim it and it will get adjusted in his tax payments. Before you do anything else today go in the gov website and sort that out.

This may sound harsh, is he from a different culture to you?

I can claim it but he wouldn’t be happy as he’d have to pay it back in taxes and it caused an argument.

Holy shit OP

He won't change - he won't discuss it reasonably and doesn't want to share his money with you, his wife.

Do not have any more children with him

I don't know how you can even bear to have sex with him tbh.

He is financially abusing you. Sorry OP.

Get your half of the wedding money and spend it on a solicitor, find out where you stand financially when you separate.

Does your DH like or care about you OP?

Options are:
-split bills according to income or

• share finances fully

Anything else is unfair. We keep our finances separate but we don't have kids, even so I as the much higher earner pay the majority of the bills and wouldn't leave my husband short.

One parent going on maternity leave and doing the majority of raising children leaves the mother financially disadvantaged. He also needs to do 50/50 including covering child's sickness when you are back at work or again you need compensation for that.

You may eventually though just decide this is too much like hard work and divorce so you start with equal assets and equal time to earn and equal downtime.

Sorry if it wasn’t clear but I am on full pay whilst on maternity pay. I just meant to say that I obviously do all childcare in the day/night feeds/housework (except for what the cleaner does) because I’m not working currently. I still have the same income as when working thankfully. I have posted before about his work schedule and never knowing when he’s going to be home so this is why I do the vast majority of childcare and housework, as he’s either not here, asleep or home but working. I’ve always wanted to be super supportive of him, whilst also not wanting anyone to think that I expect his money. There have been comments over the years from MIL about me having an easy life and DH funding my life so I can do very little (and she does truly think that of our marriage) so I think I’ve always wanted to be able to prove that it’s not been like that in the event of divorce.

I am going to sit down with him tonight and suggest a proportional split based on our income. He will always have more money than me, but I get that he’s earned it.

I can claim it but he wouldn’t be happy as he’d have to pay it back in taxes and it caused an argument.

Well it's just tough isn't it. Your income entities you to claim child benefit. If he's nit willing to supplement your earnings he can fuck off and pay the extra tax. Don't be scared of an argument, just make sure you win it!

If the chat ends in another argument how about booking couples counselling so it can be discussed with a neutral 3rd person there.

There also needs to be a discussion around him not seeing you as his primary family unit and he's happier giving his extended family money when he won't "give" it to you.

Your issue is that you are paying 50% of bills and doing something like 99% of the childcare. It would be fair for expenses to be shared proportionately to income and the child care 50/50 at least while he is not at work. He needs to cut down on his working hours too to make that fair on you too.

I wouldn’t even be discussing it with him, I would file for divorce.

And tell his mother to FO! Is she one of the family members that he is bankrolling?

I do wonder why women put up with crap treatment like this. I wouldn’t even have walked down the aisle with a tw*t like this.

This. You need to share bills in proportion to your earnings . This includes the cleaner and childcare.

And you need to share housework and childcare 50:50, as you both work. He will need to cut down on his hobbies to look after his own child.

Make sure you are paying into your own pension and have your own savings. At his needs to come off your income BEFORE you work out your share of the bills . Because that’s what he is doing - keeping money in his company for his savings / pension.

You need to get a LOT smarter about money REALLY fast. Because this man is going to screw over you and your child at some point.

I agree with a PP that you need to get a LOT smarter with money and cover your own arse as he's doing because if your marriage ever fails, you're going to be the one left high and dry while he walks off into the sunset with all his stashed cash!

Marriage is a team, you're in it together. It doesn't necessarily have to mean pooled finances, it can mean different things to different couples but it does need to be a team!!

DH earns 3x what I do because his salary is higher and I'm part time looking after our son. Everything is in joint names and we work as a team. DH would never begrudge me buying something just because he's earned far more of the money.
When DS goes to school I'll still earn less because I'm term time only but what I earn less financially I make up for in not having to worry about holiday cover for the children, or paying out for it.

Please raise your bar and work out what you'd be happy with and thrash it out until you get somewhere you are happy with.

Another voice adding to the clamour that you need to get wise PDQ.

Of course, his mother is also trying to distract you from the unfairness, by trying to keep your focus on 'proving' that you are not a gold digger.

They are at least pretty blatant about what they are doing to you.

If these responses from the wise vipers of MN can wake you up so you get clarity about what is happening here, to you and your child, they will have done a good thing.

While your first thoughts are to get him to see the unfairness, I don't hold out much hope for that approach. He knows what he is doing here and remains fixated on money over anything else you bring to the party, including his child.

For me, I can't see how anyone would want to be with him, if this is his idea of how to treat the mother of his children. Your first step is to understand what is happening to you.

There is absolutely no shame in noticing that you and your child are being abused. It's a pity to not notice. To understand and then not stop it, to allow it to continue, that's really not good. Sorry but it is what it is.

I am going to try to have the conversation at some point in the next few days but it’ll depend when he’s free. We don’t see or spend much time together of an evening so it’s not very easy.
I really do appreciate the comments. I know it’s not typical or ideal and my own Mum has pointed this out but I cannot force someone to be different and to want to even things up. Equally, when I have a 5 month old who takes all my energy, it’s hard to find the energy to put up a fight about this kind of thing. I also hate the thought of her living in a house with an atmosphere as DH retreats from baby when he’s annoyed with me.

OP the best thing you can do today is contact Women’s Aid. You need support on this as you are being abused, but you are so deep in that you cannot see it. Please, don’t waste your time trying to talk to him - get proper advice from Women’s Aid and do not go to joint counselling with him.

What does he do around the home? And for baby? If he doesn’t do much and only pays half he’s not much more than a sperm donor isn’t he? Not a real dad. He thinks he gets a baby for free -you take time off work to look after baby but keep paying all the bills and also do all the work. And he’s generous with other people , just not you. I’m really sorry op, he’s a dud. A selfish dud. I refuse to believe someone can love another person in a romantic way and sit there earning £££ while their supposed other half struggles financially and also does everything for them. While you discuss it, I suggest you establish daddy baby tasks that get done regularly and husband house tasks that also get done regularly - where the fuck is his 50/50?? While you are paying 50/50 he has to be doing 50:50. Half the over nights, d planning shopping and cooking for dinner for 3 nights a week, 4 nights of bath and bed for the baby, he can start doing the cleaning Saturdays since he’s not paying for the cleaner. Takes baby out to park for a couple of hours Sunday and does a load of washing Saturday. He wants to go half, give him half.

Selective equality at its finest. He gets to play the traditional happy families, marriage, a kid, with wifey doing all the housework and the childcare at home - BUT the 21st Century benefit of 50/50 finances? Nope. Don't think so.

So he gets to benefit from you financially, and if you try to make things fairer he sulks until you give in? This guy is sounding better and better.

He sounds horrible. I feel very sorry for you. I couldn't live with a greedy cheap unkind man like this.

sorry but this is appalling. How could you get to this point without it being a massive problem. That’s grossly unfair. If you’re married, everything should be split equally, or at least contribute to joint expenses proportional to each partners’ income (which is what we do).

Now that your eyes are open to what the vast majority on here, and your mother, deem normal, perhaps the only way is to go nuclear. Tell him you want a divorce. Shock him. When he asks why, tell him you are being financially and emotionally abused by him and it's not what your marriage vows mean. He will either agree to a divorce, or he'll be so stunned that he'll take action. It's easy for me to say from the comfort of my keyboard, but you'd save a hell of a lot of time by going straight in there now. You have literally nothing to lose. He'd then have to give up his precious time to care for his child and he'd also be forced to pay you a significant amount of his income. (He knows this). Incidentally, I cannot believe he won't let you claim child benefit but that's just the cherry, isn't it? Others have said call Women's Aid, and I think that's a great idea. I'm glad you have support from your mother.

Before you have any conversation make sure you gather all the information you need - photos of payslips, bank account details and statements, national insurance number, business accounts etc. If you really think he will punish you for making this simple request then you need to be prepared for him to start preventing you access to this information.