Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP keeps brining up something traumatising.

51 replies

2BANON · 29/05/2023 00:58

My DP keeps bringing up something that happened to me in my 20"s
I was sexually assaulted by his sisters BF at the time.

It happened over 20 yrs ago and I have put it to the back of my mind as a coping strategy. But Now I can't actually cope with him not believing me.
I got out of the situation as readily as I could and put it down as a bad experience. I told my closest family who helped me move out of the house share and just got on with life.
But now DP thinks I was a willing participate.
And keeps bringing it up and it's triggering me after nearly 3 years of being together.

We were together when young.
How the fuck do I deal with it?

OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 29/05/2023 01:03

You dump the wanker.

You deserve better.

You can do better.

iminvestednow · 29/05/2023 01:03

You don’t need to justify yourself, if he doesn’t believe you now the relationship is over. Why on earth is a man who you are with even questioning anything you did 20yrs ago? That’s weird! I messed up a lot 20yrs ago, as did my husband. We don’t hold it against each other now!!

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/05/2023 01:04

Leave him. Evil bastard. How dare he? Protect yourself OP.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/05/2023 01:05

@iminvestednow The OP didn’t mess up, she was assaulted.

Original poster
2BANON · 29/05/2023 01:06

Thanks for the replies so far.
I need to hear the brutal truth

OP posts:
Dery · 29/05/2023 01:08

End it. This is not how a loving partner behaves.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/05/2023 01:09

DifficultBloodyWoman · 29/05/2023 01:03

You dump the wanker.

You deserve better.

You can do better.

This.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/05/2023 01:10

iminvestednow · 29/05/2023 01:03

You don’t need to justify yourself, if he doesn’t believe you now the relationship is over. Why on earth is a man who you are with even questioning anything you did 20yrs ago? That’s weird! I messed up a lot 20yrs ago, as did my husband. We don’t hold it against each other now!!

The op didn't mess up, there's nothing to hold against her. Who holds something against a victim of sexual assault and say that they must have messed up?

007DoubleOSeven · 29/05/2023 01:18

DifficultBloodyWoman · 29/05/2023 01:03

You dump the wanker.

You deserve better.

You can do better.

Absolutely.

wildfirewonder · 29/05/2023 01:19

Your current DP is completely out of order and I would leave someone who suggested I was a willing participant in my sexual assault.

Codlingmoths · 29/05/2023 01:27

DifficultBloodyWoman · 29/05/2023 01:03

You dump the wanker.

You deserve better.

You can do better.

Yep

TheSandgroper · 29/05/2023 01:41

Being on your own will be better than this.

Original poster
2BANON · 29/05/2023 01:46

Thank everyone
He's here and I will come back to this in the morning

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 02:00

I don't think there's anything worse for a victim of sexual assault than for someone to disbelieve then and accuse them of being a willing or active participant.

You have told him you weren't; yet he insists on believing you were thereby calling you a liar about something very important/very distressing, and also re traumatising you.

If a stranger did that to you, it would be reprehensible; but this is someone close to you, who's supposed to care about you.

Why is he with you I'd he genuinely thinks you are a liar about something so important/sensitive?! What sort of person would keep seeing (and sleeping with) someone they believe is a liar about something so important/sensitive?

His behaviour is truly awful, it's not feasible to stay in an intimate relationship with him (or any kind of relationship; you wouldn't stay friends with someone like this, so why stay in a much more intense/intimate relationship with someone like this)?

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 02:02

I messed up a lot 20yrs ago, as did my husband. We don’t hold it against each other now!!

WTAF?

On what planet is being a victim of a sexual assault in the realm of "messing up".

Japaneseflower · 29/05/2023 02:08

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 02:00

I don't think there's anything worse for a victim of sexual assault than for someone to disbelieve then and accuse them of being a willing or active participant.

You have told him you weren't; yet he insists on believing you were thereby calling you a liar about something very important/very distressing, and also re traumatising you.

If a stranger did that to you, it would be reprehensible; but this is someone close to you, who's supposed to care about you.

Why is he with you I'd he genuinely thinks you are a liar about something so important/sensitive?! What sort of person would keep seeing (and sleeping with) someone they believe is a liar about something so important/sensitive?

His behaviour is truly awful, it's not feasible to stay in an intimate relationship with him (or any kind of relationship; you wouldn't stay friends with someone like this, so why stay in a much more intense/intimate relationship with someone like this)?

Completely agree. It's actually very sad and I'd seriously question if he truly cares about you. My DH would never gaslight me about something like this and that's how it's suppose to be. Sorry you are going through this x

honeyrider · 29/05/2023 02:14

He doesn't care about you, he's going to keep using this to undermine you, how dare he.

You need to get rid of him because he doesn't believe you and will not let it drop.

He's nasty and keeps showing you who he is.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 29/05/2023 02:27

i believe you.

DUMP HIM. He is a victim-blamer who calls you a liar. You would be better alone than with someone like him.

tattygrl · 29/05/2023 02:32

F*cking hell what a monster. Kick him to the curb and don't look back, OP. Your future is bright without him in it.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/05/2023 02:37

Get rid. And frankly, I'd be wondering why any man would think any woman he cared for was a 'willing participant' after she told him she'd been assaulted. He should simply believe her because he loves and trusts her.

You need to think about what his doubt says about his attitude towards sexual assault, no wait, about women in general. That women 'ask for it' by their dress or gestures? That if you didn't go to the police it was because it wasn't assault at all? That if you aren't beaten black and blue it's not rape? Or could he, perhaps, have some lingering guilt or questions about something in his own past behaviour?

Topseyt123 · 29/05/2023 03:23

You deal with it mainly by dumping this utter wanker.

Then perhaps consider some therapy to come to terms with what happened to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2023 03:29

My god, raise the bar. Your boyfriend is a sadistic fuckwit. I despair that you don't see you deserve far better than him.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 29/05/2023 04:03

DifficultBloodyWoman · 29/05/2023 01:03

You dump the wanker.

You deserve better.

You can do better.

100%
If he won't believe you and he keeps bringing it up that's all you need to know about him. He's an awful person.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/05/2023 04:21

I would be wondering if he’d done similar to another woman and is using you to justify his actions. In any case, whatever the reason for treating you with such contempt, you should get very far away from him as possible. He isn’t partner material.

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/05/2023 06:26

That is really awful. You deserve so much better than this. You know you need to leave him. You can't be with someone who blames you for being sexually assaulted.