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Original poster

Husband problems

71 replies

Verity1989 · 28/05/2023 21:09

Hello!

I'd like to get this off my chest and see if anyone has any insight as to whether this is a 'me' problem or a "him' problem as I just seem to be going round in circles and generally feeling unhappy and just blah

So I'm a SAHM which I love. My daughter is nearly 3 1/2 and I've loved taking her to groups and little holidays and just making her early years so far as memorable for her as they are for me. My husband is invited to everything we do and 9.5/10 times will say no. My husband suffered when she was born and later turned out to be PND (I think) he's never actually been open about it with me and I stopped asking as it upset him). From the moment she was born I have more or less looked after her 24/7. He's done maybe 2 nights in her whole three and a half years. I've never been given a lie in etc etc. Now she goes to nursery two days a week I have finally got some time back for me.
I don't like to be idle and I am very called towards healing and readings and crystals and have worked hard to try and make a little business out of it that I hope will turn into a full time job when she starts school in 2024. My husband has no support for me. When I want to do fairs on a weekend which is the only time they are on, I'm met with just such attitude. He doesn't want to look after her. He wants to do his own thing. I get he works Monday to Friday. I use my nursery days to work on my little business and to run errands and get my exercise in. There's a course I'd like to do but it's Friday to Sunday. He doesn't want me to do it. He says it's a hobby. He just doesn't want to look after her. He gets very angry that he shakes when I tell him that he's not being a co parent. I rarely ask him to look after her so I can go out. The only time he does is if I'm working on a weekend which is the only time fairs are on! I never say no to him playing golf, going to Airsoft, going out on his bike, going to th gym or any of his things he likes to do.
I have to be so full on supportive of him all the time and can never bring up any grievances with him as he says that I'm playing a victim and saying my life is shit. It's not shit at all, it's because of me that I have a fantastic life with my little one. I don't take any money from him, every thing I have is savings.

So do I stop everything that I've built up so far to completely focus on my daughter until she starts school? There is no one else who will look after her and my lovely friend does offer but she has two of her own as much as I love her for it, it's not her place to look after my child when my husband will just be at home doing whatever.

I also get told I am 'demanding' and 'entitled' because I expect him to help me out on some things like if I'm struggling with something and he sees that, he doesn't offer help, he just does his own thing and let's me struggle? If that was the other way around I'd have offered him help without him needing to ask. I asked him to move his car today so I could have his spot as the only other spot was too tight to get my car in and then open the door wide enough to get my daughter out and it's just put him ina bad mood saying I 'demanded him' to do that and he was napping at the time (I didn't know he was, I literally just came home and parked with hazards on as he didn't pick up his phone so I opened the front door and shouted into the house if he could hear me). He could have just said no and I'd have had to have parked further away which is just how it was going to have to be but he moved it and now he's just using it against me.

Sorry, this is so long. There's so much more. He used to be my best friend and I just get nothing from him. He doesn't co parent. He just looks after himself. He expects all the support from me which I happily give and gives me nothing in return. Is there something I'm doing wrong that I'm missing? I appreciate that this is only my side of the story.

Is there something different I should be doing?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 28/05/2023 21:13

No, he’s an arse.

pornhabit · 28/05/2023 21:18

God he sounds fucking vile. What a moody man baby. I’d honestly reconsider this relationship.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 28/05/2023 21:23

You could try divorcing him. He sounds awful, unpleasant and completely pointless.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/05/2023 21:23

. I’d seriously consider separation and divorce.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Stop altogether supporting him. He does not want to share any of his life or money. The only good to have come out of your marriage from what I can see here is your child.

Your husband is both selfish and self absorbed and your DD will also pick up on the fact that he is not interested in her, he is certainly not bothered about you and likes making your life difficult.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships?. Do not make this relationship the cornerstone of her childhood.

DustyLee123 · 28/05/2023 21:24

Do you have grandparents that can have her for you ? I’d definitely be telling his parents about his behaviour.

junebirthdaygirl · 28/05/2023 21:25

He is awful...just awful. A poor dh and a poor father. What kind of family does he come from? I presume he pays the bills and you mean your pocket money comes from savings? And not that he keeps all his money. You sound like a great mum and a good wife so it's not you.
Get a proper job that pays properly and get rid of this guy. Meantime let your friend mind your dd. During the school holidays get a local student to do little things with her so you can have a break.
Don't bother asking that awful man for one single thing again. Just get organised and let him be in his own misery when you both up and leave.
Would your own family help you?

Pamspeople · 28/05/2023 21:28

What a horrible man. Your poor daughter will be sensing his lack of interest in her, she will blame herself on some level for not being lovable enough. Both of you deserve so much better.

Original poster
Verity1989 · 28/05/2023 21:30

junebirthdaygirl · 28/05/2023 21:25

He is awful...just awful. A poor dh and a poor father. What kind of family does he come from? I presume he pays the bills and you mean your pocket money comes from savings? And not that he keeps all his money. You sound like a great mum and a good wife so it's not you.
Get a proper job that pays properly and get rid of this guy. Meantime let your friend mind your dd. During the school holidays get a local student to do little things with her so you can have a break.
Don't bother asking that awful man for one single thing again. Just get organised and let him be in his own misery when you both up and leave.
Would your own family help you?

I actually do not get any money from him at all now. I've taken over paying the bills and the mortgage completely as our family home is mine, bought by me with some inheritance and the mortgage is in my name. All the money he earns he keeps for himself.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 28/05/2023 21:31

This guy brings little to your family life. I couldn’t be in a relationship with him

newwings · 28/05/2023 21:33

If you have been completely honest then I am baffled as to what you get out of this relationship?

Original poster
Verity1989 · 28/05/2023 21:34

DustyLee123 · 28/05/2023 21:24

Do you have grandparents that can have her for you ? I’d definitely be telling his parents about his behaviour.

I have parents but they aren't very hands on. His parents are also not hands on but his mum has some mobility problems which is fair enough. Unfortunately if I went to his parents it would make matters worse for me I think

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 28/05/2023 21:35

Jesus. Leave! Then claim UC and work more hours, you’ll get help with childcare.

He adds absolutely nothing to your life. You deserve so much better.

DustyLee123 · 28/05/2023 21:35

Do you have access to any of his wages ? Who gets the child benefit ?

Summerishereagain · 28/05/2023 21:38

Verity1989 · 28/05/2023 21:30

I actually do not get any money from him at all now. I've taken over paying the bills and the mortgage completely as our family home is mine, bought by me with some inheritance and the mortgage is in my name. All the money he earns he keeps for himself.

Show quote history

I hope you ring fenced it before you got married.

Stormydanielss · 28/05/2023 21:41

With kindness to you, your husband is an arsehole
He has not got PND he's got CBFA
(Can't be f&£king arsed)
Get out and make a life for you and your daughter
Good luck to you 💐

DustyLee123 · 28/05/2023 21:44

DustyLee123 · 28/05/2023 21:35

Do you have access to any of his wages ? Who gets the child benefit ?

Sorry, just seen youve already answered this. I think you need to see a solicitor ASAP, he sounds financially abusive.

Goldbar · 28/05/2023 21:59

He sounds dreadful. There's nothing you're doing wrong. He's just a very unpleasant human being.

Unfortunately if you divorce him (which based on what you've said, I really think you should consider), you might end up having to hand over some of your assets. You should definitely consult a solicitor to get an idea of the legal position.

But don't be put off by that - 'sunk costs fallacy' and all that.

In your situation, I'd be tempted to:

  • Tell him your relationship is over.
  • Put in a claim for child maintenance with the CMS on the basis that you are living separately in the same house. Time for the fucker to pay towards his child.
  • Get the ball rolling for a divorce.

But maybe I'm missing something and there is some reason why you want to keep this shit husband and shit father in your life? Does this joy-sucking dementor have any redeeming qualities?

SunflowerTed · 28/05/2023 22:04

How can you say you have a fantastic life when you have a cold hearted, neglectful, narcissist ‘husband’ and ‘father’? How do you think his behaviour is going to affect your poor little child ? You need to ask him to leave. He is an abuser

Rafferty10 · 28/05/2023 22:06

Gosh op he is awful, why would you stay?

Original poster
Verity1989 · 28/05/2023 22:07

No I don't have any access and I never have as I've always tried to be independent, even before our lovely daughter. The child benefit goes into my account but I think it's done off of his wages and he pays the tax on it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Verity1989 · 28/05/2023 22:10

Thank you very much for your advice. I'm still with him because I just hope he will do better, but over the years to be honest he's just got worse. He makes me feel that I am wrong alot of the time which is why he makes me second guess myself or think if this is just what it is like. If he just one day was a better person then I'd just be so happy. I keep waiting and hoping

OP posts:
MyGrandmaLizzie · 28/05/2023 22:14

Verity1989 · 28/05/2023 22:10

Thank you very much for your advice. I'm still with him because I just hope he will do better, but over the years to be honest he's just got worse. He makes me feel that I am wrong alot of the time which is why he makes me second guess myself or think if this is just what it is like. If he just one day was a better person then I'd just be so happy. I keep waiting and hoping

Don't just keep waiting and hoping it will get better.
You are likely to be waiting for ever for him to change. He won't.
He's shown you who he really is.

Hollyppp · 28/05/2023 22:41

I don’t think he’s being fair and loving at all. My only thoughts are if you divorce you likely won’t be able to be SAHM you’ll need to get a FT job?
are you independently wealthy?

Niceseasidetown · 28/05/2023 22:46

It would disturb me hugely that a man cannot bring himself to interact with or hold his own daughter and went into a depression after her birth that he refuses to discuss and shakes with anger at the thought if spending a few hours with her.

Something has gone on here and I think discussions of who pays for what are by the by.

This is really, really strange behaviour.

Original poster
Verity1989 · 28/05/2023 22:57

Thanks for your feedback, yes I'm independently wealthy thankfully, however if he would try and take my money or assets then yes, I would have to get a job. I mean, I'm trying to work as per my OP but he won't look after little one for me to do so!

OP posts:
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