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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband problems

71 replies

Verity1989 · 28/05/2023 21:09

Hello!

I'd like to get this off my chest and see if anyone has any insight as to whether this is a 'me' problem or a "him' problem as I just seem to be going round in circles and generally feeling unhappy and just blah

So I'm a SAHM which I love. My daughter is nearly 3 1/2 and I've loved taking her to groups and little holidays and just making her early years so far as memorable for her as they are for me. My husband is invited to everything we do and 9.5/10 times will say no. My husband suffered when she was born and later turned out to be PND (I think) he's never actually been open about it with me and I stopped asking as it upset him). From the moment she was born I have more or less looked after her 24/7. He's done maybe 2 nights in her whole three and a half years. I've never been given a lie in etc etc. Now she goes to nursery two days a week I have finally got some time back for me.
I don't like to be idle and I am very called towards healing and readings and crystals and have worked hard to try and make a little business out of it that I hope will turn into a full time job when she starts school in 2024. My husband has no support for me. When I want to do fairs on a weekend which is the only time they are on, I'm met with just such attitude. He doesn't want to look after her. He wants to do his own thing. I get he works Monday to Friday. I use my nursery days to work on my little business and to run errands and get my exercise in. There's a course I'd like to do but it's Friday to Sunday. He doesn't want me to do it. He says it's a hobby. He just doesn't want to look after her. He gets very angry that he shakes when I tell him that he's not being a co parent. I rarely ask him to look after her so I can go out. The only time he does is if I'm working on a weekend which is the only time fairs are on! I never say no to him playing golf, going to Airsoft, going out on his bike, going to th gym or any of his things he likes to do.
I have to be so full on supportive of him all the time and can never bring up any grievances with him as he says that I'm playing a victim and saying my life is shit. It's not shit at all, it's because of me that I have a fantastic life with my little one. I don't take any money from him, every thing I have is savings.

So do I stop everything that I've built up so far to completely focus on my daughter until she starts school? There is no one else who will look after her and my lovely friend does offer but she has two of her own as much as I love her for it, it's not her place to look after my child when my husband will just be at home doing whatever.

I also get told I am 'demanding' and 'entitled' because I expect him to help me out on some things like if I'm struggling with something and he sees that, he doesn't offer help, he just does his own thing and let's me struggle? If that was the other way around I'd have offered him help without him needing to ask. I asked him to move his car today so I could have his spot as the only other spot was too tight to get my car in and then open the door wide enough to get my daughter out and it's just put him ina bad mood saying I 'demanded him' to do that and he was napping at the time (I didn't know he was, I literally just came home and parked with hazards on as he didn't pick up his phone so I opened the front door and shouted into the house if he could hear me). He could have just said no and I'd have had to have parked further away which is just how it was going to have to be but he moved it and now he's just using it against me.

Sorry, this is so long. There's so much more. He used to be my best friend and I just get nothing from him. He doesn't co parent. He just looks after himself. He expects all the support from me which I happily give and gives me nothing in return. Is there something I'm doing wrong that I'm missing? I appreciate that this is only my side of the story.

Is there something different I should be doing?

OP posts:

3487642I · 29/05/2023 00:59

It sounds very much like you are experiencing coercive control.

Generally the situation does get worse and it does wear away at your well-being.

It is advised that women get out of these dynamics asap due to the way in which they wear you down, it becomes harder to leave the more your confidence and real options have been eroded - eg. by being prevented from continuing professional development.

It may not seem obvious to you but from the outside and with the benefit of hindsight, it looks as if you are in a precarious position. Giving up your professional development will see you with reduced options, and it is terrible to regret this in the future if you do let him pressure and coerce you into missing out on opportunities to further your career path. You can't get the time back when you are older and have let opportunities to learn and develop your skills pass you by.

Giving up pursuing your career and passion would be terrible for your sense of self so do everything you can to do that weekend course. If he looks after her when you work at fairs just book for the course and tell him you need to work- because professional development IS work. Expect a backlash from him but do fight for your rights to learn and develop your career.

Contact women's aid or seek support from a zoom counsellor who specializes in this field. You can also read Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That?".

LordSalem · 29/05/2023 01:58

He's a complete piece of shit. Leave. Staying in this situation is bad for you and your daughter, it will only get worse the longer it goes on.
Yes you will have to give up everything until your daughter is in school, same as any other single parent.
I wouldn't rely on healings, readings and crystals as a job to support you and LO once you're going it alone.
Big decisions need to be made here. Do what's best for your daughter, you know that staying in this situation isn't.

SauceForTheGoose · 29/05/2023 05:44

He is dead weight. He is living off you, not contributing, not parenting.

You're already on your own, you may as well have the benefit of not having to live with him.

coffy11 · 29/05/2023 05:49

Leave him. You'll be much happier. You're doing it all alone anyway.

babyproblems · 29/05/2023 05:54

I thought it was bad when I read your op but seeing your updates omg he is useless to you and not a partner at all. I think you need some couples counselling but tbh it sounds like you want different things from a family unit; he obviously doesn’t want one for starters and he’s a twat. Good luck xxx

barmycatmum · 29/05/2023 05:57

You had a child and HE says HE had a hard time?
ffs. He’s disgusting. Please dump his ass

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/05/2023 06:00

If you take away the threads on here, which involve actual violence and abuse, this is one of the worst I've read. What is the fucking point of him? You are funding his lifestyle. You are taking full care of his child. He isn't even pleasant to you! He is absolutely dreadful. Your daughter's life will not be enhanced by having him in it.

I think you should tell him to leave. I would contact a solicitor ASAP, and to be honest if you have to give him a penny more then the law is absolutely crazy.

EverythingsCominUpMilhouse · 29/05/2023 06:13

It sounds like you must still be with him because it's comfortable and familiar, I can't understand why else?

He brings nothing to your marriage (that he keeps all of the money he earns baffles me tbh) and has zero interest in his daughter, which is heartbreaking.

What do you think this will be doing to her self esteem / how this could impact her self esteem when she's older? How her dad treats her can impact her expectations for future relationships. You'd hate for your daughter to settle for a person like this.

So even if you can't do it for yourself - do it for your daughter and leave him. Show your daughter what a strong woman looks like, be that role model to her. Show her that she doesn't need to put up with men / people in like this. You both deserve better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/05/2023 06:24

Stop with all this forlorn hoping he will do better, he will not. Stop kicking the can down the road. This is who he is and he is not going to change. When someone shows you who they are it pays to believe them.

Your parents are not hands on either and that is crap for you as well.

Nofixedabodewell · 29/05/2023 06:33

There is nothing in this for you. Divorce him. He’s lazy, entitled and selfish.

autienotnaughtym · 29/05/2023 07:08

It sounds like he resents the extra work/responsibilities parenting brings. And wants to continue as he was before. I'd consider splitting as he is not bringing anything to the table right now.

Onefootinthegroove · 29/05/2023 07:13

The man is a leach.

Panpig · 29/05/2023 07:16

He sounds like a useless dick tbh. Honestly you need to kick him out of your house, divorce him ASAP and make your life the way you want it to be op. If you have to keep bargaining with yourself that when they change it will be better, it should tell you something. It won't get better because of him. He's actually dragging you down

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 29/05/2023 07:30

He us bring an arse and it isn't fair on you or your daughter

I think you need to see a solicitor. Find out where you stand

My worry is that theme longer you leave it, the greater his chance of getting more in a split.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 29/05/2023 07:30

^sorry for typos!

RebelliousStarrChild · 29/05/2023 07:34

Have you realised that your husband doesn't actually like or respect you?

Pleasebeafleabite · 29/05/2023 07:37

Verity1989 · 28/05/2023 22:57

Thanks for your feedback, yes I'm independently wealthy thankfully, however if he would try and take my money or assets then yes, I would have to get a job. I mean, I'm trying to work as per my OP but he won't look after little one for me to do so!

He absolutely will be taking some of your assets. If you are in E&W anyway

The sooner you see a solicitor and get the ball rolling the less he’ll be entitled to

He sounds appalling

bozzabollix · 29/05/2023 07:39

Please stop waiting and hoping, he’s shown you who he is. Get rid and lose this person from your daughters life. Like others have said, you’re doing it alone anyway. Sounds like you’re a fab mum too.

Swannyb · 29/05/2023 07:40

I really, really think you should get legal advice to find out where you stand in terms of owning the house, if you were to get a job etc.

I can’t see this relationship improving or ending well. There is no harm seeking confidential advice now so you can plan for the future to protect yourself accordingly.

I hope to god you wouldn’t have to cough up on the house to this man in the event of a split!

piedbeauty · 29/05/2023 07:42

pornhabit · 28/05/2023 21:18

God he sounds fucking vile. What a moody man baby. I’d honestly reconsider this relationship.

This.

What is the point of him? What memories will your dd have off him? What example of fatherhood is he setting? Did he actually want a baby??

He sounds totally pointless. I'd ditch him.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/05/2023 07:47

He sounds useless. You sound great. Stop waiting for him to improve. He won’t.

mrsbitaly · 29/05/2023 07:55

Can I ask what his positive traits are? I'm just wondering why you are with him based on the lack of support with your daughter and in general? It sounds like you are living separate lives under the same roof - sorry if I have this wrong OP

CaptainMum · 29/05/2023 08:02

Wow. You're in a vulnerable position. Most likely you'll have to give him up to half the value of the house and you've no income. Meanwhile he has built up a career and not contributed to the mortgage or your child 🤦🏽‍♀️

Original poster

Verity1989 · 29/05/2023 08:06

mrsbitaly · 29/05/2023 07:55

To be honest he used to have a lot, but I guess not anymore. You're right, we are living separate lives. I never wanted it to be like this, I try very hard to get him to like me or do what he wants me to do, he makes me out to be such a bitch I go above and beyond because I think maybe if he really thinks that then maybe I am. It's hard because you can only see my side of things in this post. It would be interesting to see what he would say. I'd like him to pack a bag and leave the house on his own accord but he seems to be waiting for me to kick him out and I don't know where I'd stand in terms of a divorce if I did that. I definitely need to seek some legal advice

OP posts:

FlamingoQueen · 29/05/2023 08:06

This is not going to get any better, I can assure you. Do you want to spend the next 10-15 years living like this? As horrible as it may be, I would let him go. If it’s your house and you have the funds to keep it going, then it puts you in a much better position than most. Life is too short to be not able to do one single thing that you want to do.

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