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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband problems

71 replies

Verity1989 · 28/05/2023 21:09

Hello!

I'd like to get this off my chest and see if anyone has any insight as to whether this is a 'me' problem or a "him' problem as I just seem to be going round in circles and generally feeling unhappy and just blah

So I'm a SAHM which I love. My daughter is nearly 3 1/2 and I've loved taking her to groups and little holidays and just making her early years so far as memorable for her as they are for me. My husband is invited to everything we do and 9.5/10 times will say no. My husband suffered when she was born and later turned out to be PND (I think) he's never actually been open about it with me and I stopped asking as it upset him). From the moment she was born I have more or less looked after her 24/7. He's done maybe 2 nights in her whole three and a half years. I've never been given a lie in etc etc. Now she goes to nursery two days a week I have finally got some time back for me.
I don't like to be idle and I am very called towards healing and readings and crystals and have worked hard to try and make a little business out of it that I hope will turn into a full time job when she starts school in 2024. My husband has no support for me. When I want to do fairs on a weekend which is the only time they are on, I'm met with just such attitude. He doesn't want to look after her. He wants to do his own thing. I get he works Monday to Friday. I use my nursery days to work on my little business and to run errands and get my exercise in. There's a course I'd like to do but it's Friday to Sunday. He doesn't want me to do it. He says it's a hobby. He just doesn't want to look after her. He gets very angry that he shakes when I tell him that he's not being a co parent. I rarely ask him to look after her so I can go out. The only time he does is if I'm working on a weekend which is the only time fairs are on! I never say no to him playing golf, going to Airsoft, going out on his bike, going to th gym or any of his things he likes to do.
I have to be so full on supportive of him all the time and can never bring up any grievances with him as he says that I'm playing a victim and saying my life is shit. It's not shit at all, it's because of me that I have a fantastic life with my little one. I don't take any money from him, every thing I have is savings.

So do I stop everything that I've built up so far to completely focus on my daughter until she starts school? There is no one else who will look after her and my lovely friend does offer but she has two of her own as much as I love her for it, it's not her place to look after my child when my husband will just be at home doing whatever.

I also get told I am 'demanding' and 'entitled' because I expect him to help me out on some things like if I'm struggling with something and he sees that, he doesn't offer help, he just does his own thing and let's me struggle? If that was the other way around I'd have offered him help without him needing to ask. I asked him to move his car today so I could have his spot as the only other spot was too tight to get my car in and then open the door wide enough to get my daughter out and it's just put him ina bad mood saying I 'demanded him' to do that and he was napping at the time (I didn't know he was, I literally just came home and parked with hazards on as he didn't pick up his phone so I opened the front door and shouted into the house if he could hear me). He could have just said no and I'd have had to have parked further away which is just how it was going to have to be but he moved it and now he's just using it against me.

Sorry, this is so long. There's so much more. He used to be my best friend and I just get nothing from him. He doesn't co parent. He just looks after himself. He expects all the support from me which I happily give and gives me nothing in return. Is there something I'm doing wrong that I'm missing? I appreciate that this is only my side of the story.

Is there something different I should be doing?

OP posts:

Original poster

Verity1989 · 29/05/2023 08:09

I worked until literally the day I gave birth as I ran my own very successful business but when I had my DD I couldn't do both so gave it up. I'm really trying to get prepared and have something good and established set up again for when DD goes to school but he just gives me such attitude about 'having to look after her'.

OP posts:

Original poster

Verity1989 · 29/05/2023 08:10

3487642I · 29/05/2023 00:59

It sounds very much like you are experiencing coercive control.

Generally the situation does get worse and it does wear away at your well-being.

It is advised that women get out of these dynamics asap due to the way in which they wear you down, it becomes harder to leave the more your confidence and real options have been eroded - eg. by being prevented from continuing professional development.

It may not seem obvious to you but from the outside and with the benefit of hindsight, it looks as if you are in a precarious position. Giving up your professional development will see you with reduced options, and it is terrible to regret this in the future if you do let him pressure and coerce you into missing out on opportunities to further your career path. You can't get the time back when you are older and have let opportunities to learn and develop your skills pass you by.

Giving up pursuing your career and passion would be terrible for your sense of self so do everything you can to do that weekend course. If he looks after her when you work at fairs just book for the course and tell him you need to work- because professional development IS work. Expect a backlash from him but do fight for your rights to learn and develop your career.

Contact women's aid or seek support from a zoom counsellor who specializes in this field. You can also read Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That?".

Thank you so much for your advice xxx

OP posts:

gamerchick · 29/05/2023 08:10

Is there something different I should be doing?

Erm yes. Showing the lazy, entitled fucker the door.

Wtf are you putting up with this extra man child?

Original poster

Verity1989 · 29/05/2023 08:12

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/05/2023 06:00

If you take away the threads on here, which involve actual violence and abuse, this is one of the worst I've read. What is the fucking point of him? You are funding his lifestyle. You are taking full care of his child. He isn't even pleasant to you! He is absolutely dreadful. Your daughter's life will not be enhanced by having him in it.

I think you should tell him to leave. I would contact a solicitor ASAP, and to be honest if you have to give him a penny more then the law is absolutely crazy.

Thank you very much for your advice, I have told my dad and he is meeting me for a chat tomorrow and I will be looking for some legal advice xxx

OP posts:

Flittingaboutagain · 29/05/2023 08:13

I personally would stick this out until she starts school because getting a job and putting her in childcare will mean you lose the last couple of precious years with her. But I'd completely detach and start practising for being a single parent, build up a support network and plans for how life may be afterwards.

It's a horrible thought but will he want to share residency just to be spiteful (as he does no parenting now)? That's another reason I couldn't divorce at this age. At least you're there now to protect her from his moods. A school age child will be more able to tell you or school if Daddy was shouting at the weekend etc.

gamerchick · 29/05/2023 08:13

Verity1989 · 28/05/2023 21:30

I actually do not get any money from him at all now. I've taken over paying the bills and the mortgage completely as our family home is mine, bought by me with some inheritance and the mortgage is in my name. All the money he earns he keeps for himself.

Show quote history

Then what's stopping you getting rid of him?

Tell him that you expect a percentage of his wages for the upkeep of the house or he'll have to move out. He might go without a fuss then.

Flittingaboutagain · 29/05/2023 08:15

I'm sorry I had missed the last couple of updates from you. I think planning to leave now is the right advice. He wil wear you down.

Original poster

Verity1989 · 29/05/2023 08:16

EverythingsCominUpMilhouse · 29/05/2023 06:13

It sounds like you must still be with him because it's comfortable and familiar, I can't understand why else?

He brings nothing to your marriage (that he keeps all of the money he earns baffles me tbh) and has zero interest in his daughter, which is heartbreaking.

What do you think this will be doing to her self esteem / how this could impact her self esteem when she's older? How her dad treats her can impact her expectations for future relationships. You'd hate for your daughter to settle for a person like this.

So even if you can't do it for yourself - do it for your daughter and leave him. Show your daughter what a strong woman looks like, be that role model to her. Show her that she doesn't need to put up with men / people in like this. You both deserve better.

You're right. I am solely the reason she lives a happy and fun life and gets to experience as much as possible. We go out nearly every day. She loves seeing him and when he shows her some affection but it's not for a huge amount of time. I only ever want her to feel pure love like the love I show her. She is my priority and in any conversation or 'arguement' I'm always told my him that I am using her as an excuse but she is number 1, she is the most important person in any decision whether it effects her directly or not. He doesn't get that

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 29/05/2023 08:21

I don't take any money from him, every thing I have is savings.

What is the point of this man? Why is he doing nothing for his child?

I'd throw this one overboard. Honestly, what positives does he contribute to your life?

I try very hard to get him to like me or do what he wants me to do, he makes me out to be such a bitch I go above and beyond because I think maybe if he really thinks that then maybe I am.

Please wake up and see how unfair it is that he has you dancing to his tune like this.

Sister, really, don't do that.

You deserve respect, start by showing yourself a bit of respect and, yes, love. What have you learned growing up about how women deserve to be treated. How men should be treated.

It's really laughable to think that he can get away with contributing nothing while causing you of being demanding. Start by being s bit more demanding. Expect him to be a fully functioning adult who pulls his weight or is shipped out.

Don't thank me, just get yourself in action here before your child is old enough to start to notice the internalised messages that women should somehow serve men.

Please, don't let that be what you want for your daughter.

TeeBee · 29/05/2023 08:23

Lord! Your daughter doesn't need to learn to accept the scraps of a man's affection. Get rid of him before he does more damage to her sense of self-worth. He is less than useless. Get rid!

Dery · 29/05/2023 08:25

@Verity1989 - how long have you been married? The share he gets in your assets will take into account length of time and need; his need should be pretty low because he works full-time and does fuck all parenting. The sooner you end the marriage the better. I think you must be very vulnerable emotionally to have ended up in the position you’re in because this guy is a horribly selfish prick who, apart from giving you your lovely daughter, brings absolutely nothing good and lots of bad to your relationship and family life. He’s not depressed - he’s just lazy and selfish. Speak to your dad, speak to a lawyer, get him gone. Even if he does get some of your assets, the sooner you end the marriage, the less he’ll get.

Dery · 29/05/2023 08:28

Btw: with the right partner, you don’t need to work hard to get them to like you. They do like you - in fact, they love you - that’s why they’re with you. This guy likes living off you and keeping all his money for his expensive hobbies. Why do you even want him to like you? He’s horrible.

CourtneyB123 · 29/05/2023 08:34

Hey sorry you're in this position, it sounds really difficult. I can't see things getting any better in terms of the bond between your husband and your daughter as he quite obviously doesn't want no part of it. I think you're in a good position to split, the house is in your name etc. You're looking after two children here and taking on the burden of supporting your family financially, so I would take care of you and your daughters wellbeing and separate. Also, my MIL does healing, cards etc. Could you do this from home in the evenings when you're daughter is in bed? Perhaps that way you could offer few evenings in the week and then oerhaos if you could afford get a baby sitter for the couple of hours on the weekend? You could also host group readings etc on the odd day on the weekend in the month my MIL also did this and was successful with it. I wish you all the best

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 29/05/2023 08:38

I am so glad you are meeting with your dad @Verity1989 . This man brings absolutely nothing to ghe table. Once you get the ball rolling with the separation you need to unpick why you have tolerated what you have to stop you from doing it again. Good luck to you and your daughter. You will thrive away from him 💐

Original poster

Verity1989 · 29/05/2023 09:02

Dery · 29/05/2023 08:25

10 years next year. He has always worked but I've always had more money then he has. If I want to get something for the house he will say we don't need it or he doesn't want to spend the money but I'll think it's something we do need and I'll end up buying it myself. Writing that down I can see a trick he might be using there
I was when I was younger, I'm less so now but I've known him all my adult life. He wasn't always like how he is but maybe he was.

OP posts:

Original poster

Verity1989 · 29/05/2023 09:12

CourtneyB123 · 29/05/2023 08:34

Thanks so much for your comment Courtney. Your mother in law sounds fab! We have a cabin in the garden that I bought using some inheritance which I'd love to use to have clients over but unfortunately he has taken it over as he works from home. He has also ruined the garden with red bull cans littered everywhere and cigarette butts. My DD rarely gets the time to play in the garden unless I've got the time to clear it all up but I'm also so sick of doing it and can't have clients walking through that! I'm just so worried about what money he would take from me as although we are still together, I am currently self sufficient

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 29/05/2023 09:14

Blimey, I don't usually do the LTB thing but bloody hell, you need to kick him to the kerb!!!
He doesn't contribute financially, he isn't supportive of you, he resists spending time WITH HIS OWN CHILD and is grumpy and critical. Oh but don't forget he had a rough time after the birth!!!
Come on @Verity1989 this isn't on for you and especially not for your little daughter. Put her and yourself first.

AlligatorPsychopath · 29/05/2023 09:55

I mean what even is the point of him. He abuses you emotionally and financially and neglects his daughter and you don't even need his financial support. It's a no-brainer. Lose him.

Hollyppp · 29/05/2023 10:27

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation and I’m so glad you’ve reached out to your dad. Please do lean on close family and friends to ensure you are getting support

Fluffyfluffkins · 10/11/2023 17:54

"I actually do not get any money from him at all now. I've taken over paying the bills and the mortgage completely as our family home is mine, bought by me with some inheritance and the mortgage is in my name. All the money he earns he keeps for himself."

WTF did I just read?!
😳
How exactly is this pointless manchild contributing to your and your child's lives?

Smooshface · 10/11/2023 19:33

Bit of a zombie thread, hope she kicked him out as he literally contributes nothing

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