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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner of 35 years just called me a ho

68 replies

gymbunny2 · 28/05/2023 18:44

I’ve been with my husband for 35 years since we were teenagers. Divorce has been on the cards on and off for many years but he broke down and cried to me a few weeks ago when I said it was definitely over because of his aggressive attitude and behaviour towards everyone not least our adult daughters who is often refers to as cunts if they leave some washing up on the side etc ( even as I type this I think how stupid I am for trying again). Anyway when we argued a few weeks ago I brought up some out of order things he’s done in the past, some years ago and he’s obviously been stewing on this as because I wouldn’t jump in to bed with him yesterday he’s been in a foul mood and today called me a ho. Said all his mates told him when we got together not to go with me. For context, my brother had died suddenly a few years earlier when I was just 10 and I always wanted someone just to love me. When I started to get male attention at 14/15 from boys the same age and often when booze was involved, I made bad choices but one one occasion this was with someone much older, 23 I wanted to tell him to stop but I just didn’t know how to. My husband knows this but I’ve not gone into all the details in the past to spare him.
So today when we argued he called me a ho, said his family (drug addicts) asked why he was with me but he said he loved me. He has really broken me with this comment, there is no other reason to call me that. I never go out without him and we rarely even go out together.
Later in the argument he said he’s said that to show me how much it hurts when someone drags things up from the past like I did.
i just feel broken.

OP posts:
Nothingbuttheglory · 28/05/2023 18:46

Sounds like you and your daughters would be so much happier if you split up.

GoodChat · 28/05/2023 18:46

I think its time OP.

NuffSaidSam · 28/05/2023 18:47

Tbh I think that's the least of your problems. Just get rid of him.

Ketzele · 28/05/2023 18:50

Oh love. Try to remember that this is about him, not you. He reached for the thing to say that would cause you most pain. My ex would do that, whereas I - not wanting to paint myself as a Saint, but still - would only ever get angrier, not nastier. I think it's very shocking to realise how much our 'loved ones' can want to hurt us.

Get that divorce. See it through this time. You deserve better, and so do your daughters.

Original poster
gymbunny2 · 28/05/2023 18:56

Thank you for the support, I need it. I have been the main earner always in our relationship by double sometimes and it really hurts when he has no respect for me or our daughters. He’s never had to worry about the roof over our head or bills and calls me a control freak but I literally also run his business for him ( he’s a tradesman and deal with all sales, marketing and admin in my own time in addition to my job). It’s just been so hard to think about selling the house and starting again financially with a mortgage when ours is nearly paid off. I also have to look for somewhere that’s big enough for our daughters too although the older one has just finished uni and hoping to move out in a few months.

OP posts:
Original poster
gymbunny2 · 28/05/2023 18:57

*I deal with all the sales and admin….

OP posts:
tsmainsqueeze · 28/05/2023 19:03

What he calls your daughters would be enough for me alone.

billy1966 · 28/05/2023 19:05

Calling you a "ho" has broken you?

Not your poor daughters being called cxxts by their utterly scummy father?

I can only imagine the childhood they have had with a man like that.

God help your children.

I feel so so sorry for them.

Unbelievable.

Mamette · 28/05/2023 19:09

Tell him to fuck off and take his admin with him.

Original poster
gymbunny2 · 28/05/2023 19:10

@billy1966 you’re right, I should have left the first time he did that years ago but wasn’t strong enough. Luckily my daughters are beautiful strong women now and also support me. Life isn’t that straight forward though is it, it’s hard to leave but yes, I should have gone sooner.

OP posts:
loveacuddle1 · 29/05/2023 08:25

It sounds like you know what to do.
Why he thinks this is acceptable behaviour I have no idea. By leaving this idiot, you will be setting the best example to your daughters.
good luck to you xx

DustyLee123 · 29/05/2023 08:26

He’s lashing out. File for divorce and take control.

WonkyPicture · 29/05/2023 08:39

I'm going through a split from my husband, but for different reasons, it's my husband who is the ho, lol. Kicked out after 2nd affair.

I just wanted to say, yes it's petrifying to make that jump after so long together. I have mourned my old life, cried for the future I thought I'd have, I have written out plans to get him back, I have written out plans to divorce and everything between. But I'm accepting now, 5 weeks on and I'm in a much better place. I will bounce around, I'm not expecting for it to be smooth sailing but I'm now constantly moving forwards. My husband has moved in with someone else just 5 weeks later. I thought that would hurt but it doesn't, I feel nothing but pity for him. He thinks he's living the high life but I know I'll be the better off out of the two of us in the long run.

Sometimes it's better to make that leap. I love the saying "leap and the ground will rise up to meet you", it's certainly true for me. I'd never want to relive the past 5 weeks, if I was still with him I'd be reliving them every few years, I've broken the cycle.

Chasingadvice · 29/05/2023 09:01

Did you make a thread when your daughters were being called cunts or only when you were referred to as a hoe?

FrancescaContini · 29/05/2023 09:04

tsmainsqueeze · 28/05/2023 19:03

What he calls your daughters would be enough for me alone.

Me too. Dump this nasty excuse for a father, immediately.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 29/05/2023 09:06

What kind of grown adult man calls women hos.

Seriously leave the boy and let him find a woman stupid enough to have him.

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 09:31

not least our adult daughters who is often refers to as cunts if they leave some washing up on the side etc

I didn't get any further than this.

No.

Just no.

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 09:32

Luckily my daughters are beautiful strong women now and also support me.

His behaviour could still be damaging them no matter how strong they appear on the surface.

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 09:35

So today when we argued he called me a ho, said his family (drug addicts) asked why he was with me but he said he loved me.

A "man" who calls his daughters cunts for leaving a washed cup on a drainer , his partner of 35 years a ho/whore, and has a family full of druggies.

He sounds classy as fuck.
Very attractive.

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 09:38

why he was with me but he said he loved me

I seriously doubt they asked that.

He's trying to make you feel lucky to have his love, it's probably a completely made up convo.

Related to the fact that he can feel the ice getting thinner under his feet by the day.

In any case; lucky old you .... To have such a classy, well adjusted, kind, reasonable, decent mans "love".

The question why is she with you would be the correct one.

growgrowinggrown · 29/05/2023 09:39

You might think your daughters support you, but I bet there is a lot of resentment there too for not defending them and allowing them to be abused by a man.

You weren't strong enough to leave or protect them from that, but up in arms about being called a hoe yourself? Pull yourself together and get out of there before you ruin your relationship with your kids ffs.

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 09:40

I have been the main earner always in our relationship by double sometimes

You've been keeping this piece of trash too??!!

Fuck me

Get a grip

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 29/05/2023 09:41

billy1966 · 28/05/2023 19:05

Calling you a "ho" has broken you?

Not your poor daughters being called cxxts by their utterly scummy father?

I can only imagine the childhood they have had with a man like that.

God help your children.

I feel so so sorry for them.

Unbelievable.

This. Your vile bloke should have been removed from your kids home decades ago.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 29/05/2023 09:42

Any mistakes you made were 35 YEARS AGO! You need to forgive your teenage self - not that it needs forgiving, you were taken advantage of by those old enough to know better. Maybe, once you've left this awful example of humanity, you could get yourself some therapy.

Oh, but dump that dreadful man first though. He won't be helping.

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 09:43

why he was with me but he said he loved me

This is a typical abuse tactic.

My sister's abusive ex did this too.

Related apparent conversations with hos brother who said she wasn't good enough for him.in his case may e the convo did happen, that brother is also now divorced - which says a lot.

In your case maybe the convo did happen, who knows? They don't exactly sound system or smart so maybe they do say idiotic things.

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