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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner of 35 years just called me a ho

68 replies

gymbunny2 · 28/05/2023 18:44

I’ve been with my husband for 35 years since we were teenagers. Divorce has been on the cards on and off for many years but he broke down and cried to me a few weeks ago when I said it was definitely over because of his aggressive attitude and behaviour towards everyone not least our adult daughters who is often refers to as cunts if they leave some washing up on the side etc ( even as I type this I think how stupid I am for trying again). Anyway when we argued a few weeks ago I brought up some out of order things he’s done in the past, some years ago and he’s obviously been stewing on this as because I wouldn’t jump in to bed with him yesterday he’s been in a foul mood and today called me a ho. Said all his mates told him when we got together not to go with me. For context, my brother had died suddenly a few years earlier when I was just 10 and I always wanted someone just to love me. When I started to get male attention at 14/15 from boys the same age and often when booze was involved, I made bad choices but one one occasion this was with someone much older, 23 I wanted to tell him to stop but I just didn’t know how to. My husband knows this but I’ve not gone into all the details in the past to spare him.
So today when we argued he called me a ho, said his family (drug addicts) asked why he was with me but he said he loved me. He has really broken me with this comment, there is no other reason to call me that. I never go out without him and we rarely even go out together.
Later in the argument he said he’s said that to show me how much it hurts when someone drags things up from the past like I did.
i just feel broken.

OP posts:

CharlottenBurger · 29/05/2023 09:43

Surely a partner who has been an adult for at least 35 years should know better than to use language like 'ho'? Leave this POS.

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 09:44

*They don't exactly sound stable or smart so maybe they do say idiotic things.

MillieOns · 29/05/2023 09:45

The longer you allow him to hurt you the more hurtful things he will throw at you.

It’s time to get out OP. He’ll be no loss to you. You have the support of your daughters so do it now while you have the rest of your life to look forward to, without this cruel, immature, useless cling-on.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/05/2023 09:47

Time for him to cry and snivel about you saying 'you know what? It is over. I'm not taking you back again. Fuck off'.

CabernetSauvignon · 29/05/2023 09:49

gymbunny2 · 28/05/2023 18:56

Thank you for the support, I need it. I have been the main earner always in our relationship by double sometimes and it really hurts when he has no respect for me or our daughters. He’s never had to worry about the roof over our head or bills and calls me a control freak but I literally also run his business for him ( he’s a tradesman and deal with all sales, marketing and admin in my own time in addition to my job). It’s just been so hard to think about selling the house and starting again financially with a mortgage when ours is nearly paid off. I also have to look for somewhere that’s big enough for our daughters too although the older one has just finished uni and hoping to move out in a few months.

If your daughters are going to continue to live with you, charge them rent that covers any mortgage. Then aim to downsize as soon as they move out.

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 09:53

because I wouldn’t jump in to bed with him yesterday he’s been in a foul mood and today called me a ho.

So he's sexually coercive too.

Called you a ho after you wouldn't shag him .... Makes perfect logical sense. Wouldn't a "ho" be down to fuck at all times lol.

Said all his mates told him when we got together not to go with me. For context, my brother had died suddenly a few years earlier when I was just 10 and I always wanted someone just to love me. When I started to get male attention at 14/15 from boys the same age and often when booze was involved, I made bad choices but one one occasion this was with someone much older, 23 I wanted to tell him to stop but I just didn’t know how to. My husband knows this but I’ve not gone into all the details in the past to spare him.

Oh, more on the theme on just how lucky you are to have him. His friends said not to get with you

How generous of him to let you keep him with your double his income most of his life and do all the admin for his business. Really doing you a big favour, he was

Now it's his family who say he shouldn't be with you! again how lucky you are to have him.

How beneath him you are, eh.

Someone who works this hard at making out you're lucky to have him, in spite of all evidence to the contract ... Knows you're not lucky to have him. Knows he is punching above his weight. Knows he's a free loading abuser who should be kicked out.

He's been verbally abusing you and your dds for years by the sound of it. He knows hes finally going to get his just desserts. He suspects youre getting close to getting rid of him, which you should have done long before now by the sounds of it

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 09:54

*in spite of all evidence to the contrary

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 09:57

Sounds like he's also using you being taken advantage of as a not yet even adult and on one occasion raped/sexually assaulted... To denigrate your morals & sexual behaviour.

That is just another reason to get the fuck rid of this severely verbally abusive scum bag.

A decent partner would feel incredibly sorry that happened to you and he in your corner.

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/05/2023 10:00

You've been with someone beneath you, in every way, for years (and let him abuse you and your dds); and he knows it.

You can see he knows it because of every word that comes out of his mouth.

firsttimemum1230 · 29/05/2023 10:01

You will only leave when you are ready too! We know what’s the best for us but we can’t always leave the attachment! Just be kind to yourself nobody is a saint and you’re certainly not a hoe. Do what you want to do and onlh when your ready! You and your daughters would probably benefit and be happy but take a day and a step at a time and you’ll get there!

tailinthejam · 29/05/2023 10:07

You've suffered enough. Don't waste any more of your life with this horrible man.

Darby3785 · 29/05/2023 10:11

I'd look at getting out OP, sounds like he has made your life miserable for far too long!
You have been with him 35 years and nothing has changed in that time
Time to live your life the way you want to!
It's typical abuse.
I left my ex partner after 8 years of it, can't imagine how you have done 35 years!
It was hard to sort my life out and start fresh but it was so good and so liberating! I then started living for me once I had everything sorted. My ex couldn't handle it and tried to carry on but I soon found the strength to put him in his place! I hope you will find the same strength OP! 🩷

billy1966 · 29/05/2023 11:44

gymbunny2 · 28/05/2023 19:10

@billy1966 you’re right, I should have left the first time he did that years ago but wasn’t strong enough. Luckily my daughters are beautiful strong women now and also support me. Life isn’t that straight forward though is it, it’s hard to leave but yes, I should have gone sooner.

Kindly meant OP,...

Women leave with nothing to protect their children.

You chose to stay despite being the higher earner, so you were also financially supporting scum abusing your daughters.

It is extremely subjective of you to say that your children are now strong women.

In my humble opinion, women raise by scum that call the cxxts, are never unscathed by such utter toxicity surrounding their growing up years.

More likely your daughters have HAD to be strong and support a weak mother, who was unable to leave their abusive father......

....a vastly different scenario.

Your poor daughters being raised in a home with such a foul specimen of manhood as a father.

I think the real truth of their view of their childhood, would substantially differ to yours.

Unfortunately it is to easy a d convenient to say they are strong and unmarked by it all.

You all deserve better, that is for sure.

Pinkbonbon · 29/05/2023 11:53

He didn't bring it up because he had been stewing, he brought it up because the cycle of abuse dictated it was time for you to get another beat down. To keep you in your place, beneath him.

He's a bully. He enjoys hurting you. And others too it seems. Get out. And tell your kids you're so sorry for subjecting them to him for so long. That he's an asshole and they must never dare someone who treats then that way.

Suggest you and your daughters all do the freedom programme online together. To help prevent you from letting simular bastards upto your life.

ps: if your husband threatens self harm when you leave just call the ambulance services and tell them what's what, that it is probably bs but you're letting them know anyway. They'll soon sort his shit out. Pps: if he harasses or threatens you or the kids, go to the police.

Pinkbonbon · 29/05/2023 11:54

date into

SheilaFentiman · 29/05/2023 11:59

Leave, OP. He doesn’t love you and he hates women.

perfectcolourfound · 29/05/2023 12:05

If anyone called my DC a c**T I wouldn't see or speak to that person again, let alone be married to them.

That would bother me MUCH more than him calling me a Ho.

Neither is acceptable of course.

StopStartStop · 29/05/2023 12:06

It's so long since I was married I can't fully remember what it is to care about a husband's opinion.

My advice to you OP is to reach the point of not giving a shit what he thinks very quickly, then move on to establish a life without him.

SwordToFlamethrower · 29/05/2023 12:07

Who you have sex with is your business. You don't need to justify it or apologise for it.
Your partner is a disgusting misogynist and you're better off rid of him.

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 29/05/2023 12:07

I'm pulling no punches. How dare you stay with a man who calls his own daughters "cunts".

SheilaFentiman · 29/05/2023 12:14

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 29/05/2023 12:07

I'm pulling no punches. How dare you stay with a man who calls his own daughters "cunts".

Because OP suffered a traumatic loss at the age of 10 and was then sexually assaulted at the age of 15 by a 23 year old, then met this man not too long afterwards and has never learnt what a healthy relationship should be.

Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 29/05/2023 12:16

I would happily kill anyone who called my dds that word. I don't give a shit about the outcome for myself. Yes, I am unhinged.

Luckydip1 · 29/05/2023 12:17

LTB

squidgybits · 29/05/2023 12:19

LTB and take half of everything with you

SheilaFentiman · 29/05/2023 12:22

Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 29/05/2023 12:16

I would happily kill anyone who called my dds that word. I don't give a shit about the outcome for myself. Yes, I am unhinged.

Then your DDs would see their mum in jail for killing their dad…

i get the rage, though

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