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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was this cheating and should I tell him

57 replies

wafercake · 26/05/2023 20:40

I am divorced and six months into a relationship with a nice man. It’s quite a good relationship and I trust him but it has had problems and I’ve felt like he isn’t really interested at times. But I’d like it to continue and I’m worried I did something to jeopardise it by accident.

Something happened last week and I can’t quite get my head round it. I have been working through a lot of childhood trauma and it has appealed to me to connect - in some cases reconnect - with the oldest family and school friends I know. I went to see a man I have known since we were very little, who has always been a family friend. A safe person who has always been kind. I had my first real crush on him (didn’t tell him) and it passed.

Anyway the other day we had coffee and as we were getting ready to go I felt this enormous spark between us. Like nothing I’ve ever felt before. We hugged and it was so kind of sexy, and surprising, that I kissed him on the lips. Then we had a chat in which we said we both felt it, but that it absolutely shouldn’t be pursued. We agreed not to mention it to our partners. I have to say I’m still reeling from it. It was physically such a surge of love.

I feel very guilty in respect of my new relationship, though. Should I tell him? I know I crossed a line, because of the kiss, and really because of the strength of feeling involved. But I did it because of other emotional reasons, and absolutely won’t do it again. I feel like that’ll never happen again. It’s never, ever happened to me before. I don’t want to ruin the chance of trust in my new thing, but wonder if even that is selfish.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 26/05/2023 20:43

If you think the new man isn't very interested I wouldn't be bothered about him.

I'd be more concerned about your old family friend's wife finding out about the kiss.

AlienSupaStar · 26/05/2023 20:44

What struck me from your post is that it’s only 6 months in and it’s had it’s problems already and that you have felt at time that he is disinterested.

I’d look further into that.

As for the kiss, I am not sure what to advise.

Original poster
wafercake · 26/05/2023 20:45

Yes, I am frightened of that. But I was asking about whether I should be obliged to tell my own person, or not.

OP posts:
Firesgoneout · 26/05/2023 20:45

wafercake · 26/05/2023 20:45

Yes, I am frightened of that. But I was asking about whether I should be obliged to tell my own person, or not.

Only if you want to end the relationship.

TheShellBeach · 26/05/2023 20:46

He might use it to end the relationship if you tell him.
Did you consider yourself to be exclusive?

Original poster
wafercake · 26/05/2023 20:47

No I don’t want to, but if it’d be really morally wrong not to say, I might anyway. I guess I’m focusing on that bit at the expense of working out what the rest of it is about.

OP posts:
Original poster
wafercake · 26/05/2023 20:47

Yes, exclusive.

OP posts:
bibbityboppityboo · 26/05/2023 20:48

Do you see a future in it? If so I'd come clean now, if there's a worry it'll come out in the future. Imagine another year in if it came out - you'd have been lying to him all that time, which would be horrendous.

Original poster
wafercake · 26/05/2023 20:51

I feel annoyed as it sounds different to how it was. I am fragile and it just sort of knocked me. It was broad daylight/nobody pissed etc.

OP posts:
Twattergy · 26/05/2023 20:58

I don't think you need to tell your partner. I don't think you really need to share something that is so personal that you are still working through. IMO 6 months together is not that long.

CalistoNoSolo · 26/05/2023 21:00

It was just a spur of the moment kiss with a 'safe' person while you're working through some deep-seated emotional stuff. I think you need to discount the kiss as having any particular relevance until you're in a more stable place. As for the boyfriend? Just dump him already. He's not bothered, you're not bothered, life's too short. Be single and get your head straight before you date again. (No strings sex is absolutely fine to indulge in though).

Original poster
wafercake · 26/05/2023 21:02

Thank you @Twattergy I think that’s it. It felt so intensely personal and to do with me and the deep past and nothing to do with normal sexual motives. I feel annoyed for it to inevitably look like ‘wafercake kissed someone else’ bog standard infidelity.

OP posts:
OneMoreCookieMonster · 26/05/2023 21:02

Reverse it...would you want to know?

If you're not feeling that spark with the person you're seeing now, is it worth pursuing further?

Sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do

Original poster
wafercake · 26/05/2023 21:04

I probably wouldn’t want to know if it was reversed no. Kissing someone in a club or someone he fancied from work, I would want to know. But this - if he’d closed it totally down - no. I’m imagining the equivalent person for him and no, I wouldn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
wafercake · 26/05/2023 21:05

And the point is I need to explain everything about my psyche to make him see it isn’t just careless.

OP posts:
1Ta1T · 26/05/2023 21:08

If the situation was reversed, would you be upset if you hadn't been told and found out later?

General principle for me is "is this something they'd want to know?" If it is and I don't mention it, I would be lying by omission. Relationships should be based on trust and honesty, not lies.

Original poster
wafercake · 26/05/2023 21:20

I think I’d understand why he hadn’t in this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
wafercake · 26/05/2023 21:20

But yeah it’s a grey area, hence I really value everyone’s opinion

OP posts:
Mumz0612 · 26/05/2023 21:42

You cheated own up to it

MammaTo · 26/05/2023 21:54

Tbh you don’t sound like you’re in the best headspace to be in a relationship at all if you’re doing all this soul searching.

Maybe get yourself sorted first then delve into a relationship.

Original poster
wafercake · 26/05/2023 21:57

@MammaTo I will never be ‘sorted’ totally as I have extreme trauma to contend with. But I will consider your point more broadly.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 26/05/2023 22:18

It's a minor infringement that he's unlikely to ever find out about, so there's no point. Is it mortally better to upset someone? Is it going to make you feel morally riteous and better when you see him upset - no, it won't, and it serves no purpose.
However, there might be things you can learn and take from the experience. Like was there ever electricity between your BF and you? Do you feel excited when you meet up. Are you getting what you need from your current chap? Will this one fade in time anyway? Judge your current situation on its own merits, and if its lacking, end it for that reason, don't coast along if its stale after 6 months.
If you need more time to figure out if this current chap is for you, take it and say nothing.

Twattergy · 26/05/2023 22:18

Stop worrying about what it 'looks like'. Its your life, you clearly don't want to tell your boyfriend so don't. Mumsnet can be super judgy on this stuff.

Original poster
wafercake · 27/05/2023 07:38

@Opentooffers yes, there initially was electricity with my new bf and still is, but there’s something about him that creates a real barrier. He’s emotionally very unavailable, and that can feel quite rejecting.

OP posts:
Original poster
wafercake · 27/05/2023 08:22

I suppose this thread makes me realise these things happen for a reason and are a chance to check-in with other bits of life. And what’s missing

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