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Original poster

Was this cheating and should I tell him

57 replies

wafercake · 26/05/2023 20:40

I am divorced and six months into a relationship with a nice man. It’s quite a good relationship and I trust him but it has had problems and I’ve felt like he isn’t really interested at times. But I’d like it to continue and I’m worried I did something to jeopardise it by accident.

Something happened last week and I can’t quite get my head round it. I have been working through a lot of childhood trauma and it has appealed to me to connect - in some cases reconnect - with the oldest family and school friends I know. I went to see a man I have known since we were very little, who has always been a family friend. A safe person who has always been kind. I had my first real crush on him (didn’t tell him) and it passed.

Anyway the other day we had coffee and as we were getting ready to go I felt this enormous spark between us. Like nothing I’ve ever felt before. We hugged and it was so kind of sexy, and surprising, that I kissed him on the lips. Then we had a chat in which we said we both felt it, but that it absolutely shouldn’t be pursued. We agreed not to mention it to our partners. I have to say I’m still reeling from it. It was physically such a surge of love.

I feel very guilty in respect of my new relationship, though. Should I tell him? I know I crossed a line, because of the kiss, and really because of the strength of feeling involved. But I did it because of other emotional reasons, and absolutely won’t do it again. I feel like that’ll never happen again. It’s never, ever happened to me before. I don’t want to ruin the chance of trust in my new thing, but wonder if even that is selfish.

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 27/05/2023 08:26

I wouldn't mention it if I were you.

As someone said upthread you don't sound in a great place for relationships ATM.

Also if he's been hot and cold/ambivalent/uncommitted etc. : Is it really worth investing further.

HeidiUpTheMountain · 27/05/2023 08:31

It sounds to me like your current relationship isn’t really working for you, so I’d focus on that. Six months in to a good relationship you should still be in the glowing, heady, loved-up phase, and if that was the case for you, I don’t think you would have been able to feel this huge attraction to someone else.

If your boyfriend is emotionally unavailable then it sounds as though this old acquaintance filled a genuine gap for you for this short time, and it was something you so lacked that you acted on it. I would be thinking about that, and whether your current relationship should continue.

ShandaLear · 27/05/2023 08:33

It could be a signal that you’re just not into your partner. I’m head over heels about mine (8 years) and it wouldn’t occur to me to want to snog someone else. That’s just not on my radar at all. If you are work through trauma, the chances are that you’re quite vulnerable at the moment and looking for comfort in familiarity so connections feel more intense and ‘right’.

Original poster
wafercake · 27/05/2023 08:33

That's a really useful approach @HeidiUpTheMountain. I'm grateful.

OP posts:
Original poster
wafercake · 27/05/2023 08:34

Yes, I think I've been looking at it in terms of who could be cross with me and in what terms I've been 'bad' without stopping to care about what it tells me about myself, what I need, where I am. You're exactly right.

OP posts:
Original poster
wafercake · 27/05/2023 09:33

God, I’m so glad I posted.

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 27/05/2023 11:29

Op, you cheated. You don't want to tell your boyfriend so you posted on here for validation, which some people have given you (oh thr joys of the sisterhood).

If you had posted as a bloke, there would have been a much different response.

However, you're clearly working your way through some stuff so probably fairer to yourself at the very least, to pause any relationship until you're feeling a little more ' level'. Let's face it, I don't think the boyfriend will be too distraught anyway, especially if you just explain you meed to time to yourself

Original poster
wafercake · 27/05/2023 11:57

No, that isn’t why I posted @baileys6904. Something odd happened and I was trying to figure it out.

OP posts:
hugefanofcheese · 27/05/2023 12:21

I think you're very vulnerable and doing some very tough work on yourself. I don't think you should necessarily mention the kiss but I do think you should call things off if your boyfriend is emotionally unavailable and disinterested. You're not doing yourself any favours long term.

I also think you should avoid seeing your pal alone for a short while. Don't make it a big thing but it almost feels like transference in a therapeutic relationship if he is a 'safe' person whilst you go through all this and you don't want things to get messy if you feel the same way again.

Original poster
wafercake · 27/05/2023 12:53

Thanks, @hugefanofcheese

OP posts:
TreeLine23 · 27/05/2023 12:58

How old is this person you kissed - you mention

a man I have known since we were very little, who has always been a family friend. A safe person who has always been kind. I had my first real crush on him (didn’t tell him) and it passed.

Are they your age, or were they an older family friend whilst you were growing up?

Original poster
wafercake · 27/05/2023 13:28

No, my age. 40s.

OP posts:
ThirstyThursday · 27/05/2023 13:44

@wafercake Firstly I think you should think about the moment & the intensity & enjoy the experience. Those things are rare.

I know life's complicated & it's not always easy to find a partner, but this 'partner'of yours doesn't sound right for you. I think it's time to go your own ways.six months in you should be in the honeymoon phase still,not feeling like he's not interested sometimes etc.

don't tell him about your 'friend'. He doesn't need to know, it's private & special.

carry on working through your trauma etc & see where that takes you.

Original poster
wafercake · 27/05/2023 15:40

Thank you @ThirstyThursday

OP posts:
RememberNancyDrew · 27/05/2023 15:51

I think this 6 month long uninspiring relationship is getting in the way of your growth and evolution.

Original poster
wafercake · 27/05/2023 16:00

I really hadn’t thought of it like that. You see he is one of those types who has made it seem like I’m in the wrong every time I’ve needed anything.

OP posts:
Mom2K · 27/05/2023 16:03

Yes, I am frightened of that. But I was asking about whether I should be obliged to tell my own person, or not.

Of course you should tell him. Whatever your reasons for doing it (emotional baggage etc) are irrelevant. You're exclusive with him and you cannot build a proper relationship with someone based on lies. From a moral standpoint - this is not something you get to hide because you don't want to face a potential breakup or whatever. If I was exclusively dating someone and he kissed another woman, I would consider it cheating. All hell would break loose if he kept it from me and I found out about it later. You need to respect how he feels and what he expects out of a relationship and he deserves to know and make his own decision if he can move past that action or not. Anyone saying otherwise is wrong if you want to decide this based on morals.

Landndialamrhf · 27/05/2023 16:05

Only 6 months in
you’ve had problems
he doesn’t seem interested
and you’ve cheated

So in the kindest possible way, im not really sure I see this relationship as worth saving, so I don’t think it matters if you tell him or not to be honest.

Mom2K · 27/05/2023 16:07

Also...we can't see what your relationship is like - but is it possible that you are saying you sometimes find that your current boyfriend is disinterested etc to kind of justify the experience you had with the old family friend? Oftentimes those who cross lines etc will find ways to justify their actions and skew what really is to suit their narrative. I'm not saying this is what you have done, just asking.

If your relationship truly is rocky/stale, and there are problems at only 6 months in, you might want to dump him anyway.

CandyLips · 27/05/2023 16:09

I think if this had been a new man then I would have thought differently but seeing he was a person from the past then I think there might have been something more to it - it was a connection to your past and possibly good memories. I had someone in contact with me from 45 years ago and it was like we were catapulted back into those times of fun. However I am married and while it was lovely to chat I am not that teenager of all those years ago. In fact we are very different people now. I'm thinking you are similar with this man. It's a connection to the past that was momentary.

Regards your 6 month relationship, you don't sound very interested .

Original poster
wafercake · 27/05/2023 16:19

Yes @CandyLips it was momentary. It wasn’t to do with normal desire/libido

OP posts:
ucantmulchthis · 27/05/2023 16:24

I'd keep mouth shut if I were you @wafercake !

C1N1C · 27/05/2023 16:31

This is MN... cheating is fine as long as it's woman on man. It's somehow justifiable because he somehow must have deserved it etc etc.

If you disagree with this statement, look above at all the posts that aren't exactly chastising the OP for cheating.

Zanatdy · 27/05/2023 16:33

I personally would keep quiet

HeidiUpTheMountain · 27/05/2023 16:37

C1N1C · 27/05/2023 16:31

This is MN... cheating is fine as long as it's woman on man. It's somehow justifiable because he somehow must have deserved it etc etc.

If you disagree with this statement, look above at all the posts that aren't exactly chastising the OP for cheating.

I certainly didn’t say that. I advised the OP to end her current relationship. The kiss is a symptom of something being wrong, not the OP trying to get away with getting her leg over. She and the other party have already agreed that nothing more should happen. It’s quite different from most of the cheating men we hear about on this forum.

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