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Original poster

Confused about husband’s emotional affair

57 replies

Madeintheshade · 26/05/2023 18:01

12 months ago my husband confessed to having had an affair emotional affair (frequent messaging, walks together, strong attraction). We nearly separated, but I decided to forgive him, especially as I had been a depressed, moody and unpleasant nightmare for much of the nine years previously since our son had been born (although I had not had an affair, emotional or otherwise).

Over the past 12 months we have made massive progress in repairing our relationship and I thought we were in a great place. However, today he confessed he can’t stop thinking/ruminating about the woman he had the emotional affair with.

I asked him why he told me this. He replied that it was because he loves me, wants to be with me, is happy with me, but felt guilty at having these thoughts and didn’t want any secrets. He said he thinks his thoughts are not romantic but “perhaps the result of undiagnosed OCD”. I asked him if he’s trying to soften me up to tell me he thinks our marriage is over, but he said no.

I feel angry and let down by him ‘confessing’ to these thoughts. And confused.

How should I process this? What should I do? I love him, but I really wish he hadn’t mentioned this to me.

OP posts:
WeThreeKingsofOrientAre · 26/05/2023 18:07

That does sound hard to hear from your husband. Would you have rather he continued to think about her but not told you? If so, what makes that better than knowing?

PrinceHaz · 26/05/2023 18:08

Have you suspected it was more than an emotional affair?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2023 18:09

Is she single and do you think he’d be with her if you hadn’t forgiven him? Are they still in touch?

Shivvy120 · 26/05/2023 18:13

Are you certain they still aren’t in touch? Was it only ever physical? Is he still thinking of her as they may have unfinished business/ true feelings may be there?

Telling you this really wasn’t helpful I get you there. I mean we can’t control our thoughts , it’s not useful to tell you. He needs to draw a line between his thoughts and his feelings and figure out if his thoughts are actually showing his feelings. Does he still see this woman a lot?
I suppose it would leave you wondering if the feelings they had for each other were real.

Shivvy120 · 26/05/2023 18:13

was it only ever emotional

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/05/2023 18:16

It sounds as though your husband has had a really tough time with you, to be honest. Do you behave differently now and if so, what caused that difference? You say you have forgiven him, but has he forgiven you for the way you behaved?

It sounds like you both could've done with some therapy after the affair was revealed.

Thegoodbadandugly · 26/05/2023 18:16

Hmmm sounds like he has feelings for this lady.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 26/05/2023 18:17

Tell him to move out and he can think about his OW on his own, away from you and the DC.

Let him get a taste of reality, what it would be like splitting up from his wife to maybe/maybe not have a relationship with the object of his desires.

Whilst he's gone you work out whether your life is actually more relaxed and nicer without him in it (I suspect it is).

If he's pining over another woman, your marriage is over really isn't it?

holliebo · 26/05/2023 18:18

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 26/05/2023 18:17

Tell him to move out and he can think about his OW on his own, away from you and the DC.

Let him get a taste of reality, what it would be like splitting up from his wife to maybe/maybe not have a relationship with the object of his desires.

Whilst he's gone you work out whether your life is actually more relaxed and nicer without him in it (I suspect it is).

If he's pining over another woman, your marriage is over really isn't it?

100% this

Original poster
Madeintheshade · 26/05/2023 18:22

I am as sure as I can be that it wasn’t physical.

No he hasn’t seen her for a year - he says. I believe him.

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 26/05/2023 18:22

erm sounds horrid for you. How did the emotional affair happen? Did you know they were meeting up? Is it someone still in his life?

on the surface it sounds like he’s being emotionally intelligent, open and truthful….but I dunnno…maybe he’s just attempting to come across that way but not REALLY being truthful.

Is he expecting you to feel greatful he is being so honest?

Have you asked him what he wants.

EverythingsCominUpMilhouse · 26/05/2023 18:26

Gosh this is so difficult. Whilst they were never physically intimate, an emotional affair is still a massive betrayal of your trust. I'm so sorry.

Do you know if they are still in contact with one another?

Do you feel like you still trust him? You felt like you were getting to a good place over the last 12 months. It sounds like this has blindsided you. I'm so sorry this happened in the first place and he's still struggling with this.

If you do want to stay with DH, is he willing to go to counselling for his MH (he says potential undiagnosed OCD). Would you both be willing to go to couples counselling too?

I would say (please don't everyone kill me) at least he was honest with you, rather than him confessing to these thoughts because he was caught (not sure how someone can be caught for their thoughts though). But maybe I'm being very naive. I do think it's better you know the truth, then that way you can make an informed decision on the future of your marriage with DH, rather than living what would essentially be a lie.

PaintedEgg · 26/05/2023 18:28

i call this whole thing bullshit - im completely biased, but ocd is not thinking about unfulfilled desire for someone else. He basically still thinks about her, feels guilty about it and dumps it on you hoping you will tell him it's all ok

iliveinhappyvalley · 26/05/2023 18:29

If it's OCD then research limerance because that's what it sounds like. It's positive that he recognised it as OCD in nature and there are things he can do and medication for the OCD

thefirstmrsrochester · 26/05/2023 18:32

Having depression isn’t Carte Blanche for your husband to seek out someone else, irrespective of it it was an emotional or physical affair. Both are a betrayal of trust.

Is she is still on his mind, it’s because he is happy with her being on his mind, and his ‘confession’ it to assuage his feelings of guilt.

Puddington · 26/05/2023 18:34

OCD can manifest as obsessive/intrusive thoughts, but I'd agree regardless of cause it sounds like you're not in as good a place as you thought you were. A rocky nine years followed by an affair, even if "only" emotional, is not at all easy to come back from.

FedUpWithTheNHS · 26/05/2023 18:37

It sounds like he is using the ‘i don’t want any lie between us’ as a way to ease his own guilt.
Now that he has told you, you know so he doesn’t have to feel bad about those thoughts does he??

That was a really poor move from him tbh. Because yes he STILL needs to deal with those thoughts. And he STILL needs to sort himself out.

Is he having counselling on his own to understand why he got involved in an emotional affair? How is he ‘moving on’ from that strong attraction?
Because just now it feels like he is relying in you to make him feel better and sort out whatever reason it was he got involved. And he has just now made you responsible for those thoughts - as in if you accept them because they are just thoughts, he can carry on being attracted to her iyswim

FedUpWithTheNHS · 26/05/2023 18:39

Hmm… i have to say, it didn’t cross my mind it could be real OCD tbh. But rather it read to me that he used that term to explain how he couldn’t possibly stop himself (and you couldn’t be angry because he is ill).

Unless he sees a professional who confirms those thoughts are indeed OCD, i wouldn’t treat them as such.

Opentooffers · 26/05/2023 18:53

I don't know that I blame him tbh. 9 years is a long time to be with someone depressed, moody and an unpleasant nightmare. Somehow the threat of losing him magically fixed the depression so it makes it sound more of an active choice to be that way than a MH issue unless part of fixing things involved GP & therapy. He might be bitter about what you've put him through and be twisting the knife in by unnecessarily telling you things.

Fighterofthenightman1 · 26/05/2023 19:10

Affairs can be highly addictive, he may have a addiction problem rather than OCD

He was probably getting a high from sneeking around and meeting with her. Now he's craving that high again.

It may not be 'her' that he's actually that interested in, but rather the high he gets from the experience he had with her.

PorkPieChair · 26/05/2023 19:19

Honestly, you want to put up with this rubbish ?

He sounds a cruel sod.

GoodChat · 26/05/2023 19:20

He's probably still entranced by the mystery of it all. If he'd have had sex with her he'd have forgotten about her by now.

He's a complete shit to put this on to you.

Why did he confess when he did?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2023 19:21

PorkPieChair · 26/05/2023 19:19

Honestly, you want to put up with this rubbish ?

He sounds a cruel sod.

He spent 9 years that OP describe as pretty awful due to her behaviour. Not an excuse for him having an affair but given what’s gone on cruel seems a bit much.

iamenough2023 · 26/05/2023 19:40

I do not believe in “emotional affair” and I absolutely do not think it is less important/dangerous then physical. To me being connected to another person emotionally is far more important then being close physically, however, both would be a deal breaker. I was married to my ex over 25 years and not once felt emotionally close or physically attracted to any other man or a woman. Even though we had many issues in our marriage and ended up in a divorce he was always “the one for me”. I am not saying I did not find other men or women beautiful or attractive, I just never wanted anyone else. So, I strongly believe that once you do experience that need, want for someone else there is no fixing your marriage/relationship. But this is just me.

PaintedEgg · 26/05/2023 19:43

It a bit annoying how every shitty behaviour gets excused with a diagnosis these days.

Even if he had depression, OCD and addiction to sneaking around, he is no less guilty of actually cheating than an alcoholic would have been guilty of DUI.