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Original poster

Confused about husband’s emotional affair

57 replies

Madeintheshade · 26/05/2023 18:01

12 months ago my husband confessed to having had an affair emotional affair (frequent messaging, walks together, strong attraction). We nearly separated, but I decided to forgive him, especially as I had been a depressed, moody and unpleasant nightmare for much of the nine years previously since our son had been born (although I had not had an affair, emotional or otherwise).

Over the past 12 months we have made massive progress in repairing our relationship and I thought we were in a great place. However, today he confessed he can’t stop thinking/ruminating about the woman he had the emotional affair with.

I asked him why he told me this. He replied that it was because he loves me, wants to be with me, is happy with me, but felt guilty at having these thoughts and didn’t want any secrets. He said he thinks his thoughts are not romantic but “perhaps the result of undiagnosed OCD”. I asked him if he’s trying to soften me up to tell me he thinks our marriage is over, but he said no.

I feel angry and let down by him ‘confessing’ to these thoughts. And confused.

How should I process this? What should I do? I love him, but I really wish he hadn’t mentioned this to me.

OP posts:
CandyLips · 28/05/2023 15:28

Makemyday99 · 28/05/2023 08:39

I had an affair (more than emotional) 3 years ago & I still think about him everyday because it was such a wonderful feeling when I was with him, even though I wouldn’t tell or leave my husband as I do love him thinking back to that time gives me such a buzz just as any enjoyable experience does. I really wouldn’t read too much into it but he should have kept it to himself really especially as he isn’t planning to act on it

Well you haven't exactly covered yourself in glory here, have you?

CandyLips · 28/05/2023 15:31

neilyoungismyhero · 28/05/2023 13:42

Nine years of being a depressed unpleasant misery must have been pretty hard to take for you both. Having someone to confide in and do normal things with must have been so tempting. Contrary to popular belief he doesn't sound like a complete arse to me, just a conflicted one. What's your depression and demeanour like now? I agree with other posters about counselling for both of you, it doesn't sound like it's too late yet...pretty sure if it was you complaining about his awful treatment of you for 9 years you'd be told to LTB. He didn't leave and presumably supported his family through the shitstorm of your lives maybe he deserves a bit of credit and support.

Sometimes cheating men do this to their partners - they say these things, they need to build an excuse or reason to cheat , to justify it and sometimes women end up believing this crap. Perhaps OP is one of these. We don't really know and I would say that she probably doesn't either. You usually don't realise this until you have left the knob and realise actually I am OK - it was him.

SunflowerTed · 28/05/2023 19:37

So all your hard work in trying to repair your marriage has been wasted. Let him go is my advice

Makemyday99 · 28/05/2023 21:16

CandyLips · 28/05/2023 15:28

Well you haven't exactly covered yourself in glory here, have you?

Show quote history

oh no, a random woman from MN judges me.. yawn

Angrymum22 · 28/05/2023 23:11

It can take two to three years to “ loose feelings” ( my teenage DS’s phrase for it). I’m not sure OCD explains this, rather it can take a long time for the brain to stop visiting the pleasure zone it developed with the OW.
In a longterm relationship we also go through the same initial stage but then we either move on when the feelings go or develop a deeper attachment with our partner.
Trouble is you can’t rush it. My DH reconnected with his first love via SM during the first lockdown. It was the worst period of my life.
It took him a long time to “loose feelings” and I’m not convince that if she turned up on the doorstep it wouldn’t be triggered. I was diagnosed with cancer during the pandemic which I think was the point where the remorse set in. He blames himself for the stress he put me through, I don’t think it had anything to do with the cancer. But it was a major wake up call for him.
Unfortunately a few months after I finished my treatment he had a severe stroke. A very small part of me wishes I’d kicked him out back in 2020, and I would have had my karma. It pisses me off that OW is living her best life, albeit single, and I’m stuck with a DH who is a shadow of his former self. I would never admit to this in real life though.

SapphireStar77 · 28/05/2023 23:27

CandyLips · 28/05/2023 15:28

Well you haven't exactly covered yourself in glory here, have you?

Show quote history

@CandyLips brave to admit it. Affairs happen!

theleafandnotthetree · 11/07/2023 16:34

Angrymum22 · 28/05/2023 23:11

It can take two to three years to “ loose feelings” ( my teenage DS’s phrase for it). I’m not sure OCD explains this, rather it can take a long time for the brain to stop visiting the pleasure zone it developed with the OW.
In a longterm relationship we also go through the same initial stage but then we either move on when the feelings go or develop a deeper attachment with our partner.
Trouble is you can’t rush it. My DH reconnected with his first love via SM during the first lockdown. It was the worst period of my life.
It took him a long time to “loose feelings” and I’m not convince that if she turned up on the doorstep it wouldn’t be triggered. I was diagnosed with cancer during the pandemic which I think was the point where the remorse set in. He blames himself for the stress he put me through, I don’t think it had anything to do with the cancer. But it was a major wake up call for him.
Unfortunately a few months after I finished my treatment he had a severe stroke. A very small part of me wishes I’d kicked him out back in 2020, and I would have had my karma. It pisses me off that OW is living her best life, albeit single, and I’m stuck with a DH who is a shadow of his former self. I would never admit to this in real life though.

Well a huge part of me would wish I'd kicked him out - maybe I still would- so don't be too hard on yourself

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