Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Confused about husband’s emotional affair

57 replies

Madeintheshade · 26/05/2023 18:01

12 months ago my husband confessed to having had an affair emotional affair (frequent messaging, walks together, strong attraction). We nearly separated, but I decided to forgive him, especially as I had been a depressed, moody and unpleasant nightmare for much of the nine years previously since our son had been born (although I had not had an affair, emotional or otherwise).

Over the past 12 months we have made massive progress in repairing our relationship and I thought we were in a great place. However, today he confessed he can’t stop thinking/ruminating about the woman he had the emotional affair with.

I asked him why he told me this. He replied that it was because he loves me, wants to be with me, is happy with me, but felt guilty at having these thoughts and didn’t want any secrets. He said he thinks his thoughts are not romantic but “perhaps the result of undiagnosed OCD”. I asked him if he’s trying to soften me up to tell me he thinks our marriage is over, but he said no.

I feel angry and let down by him ‘confessing’ to these thoughts. And confused.

How should I process this? What should I do? I love him, but I really wish he hadn’t mentioned this to me.

OP posts:

Napmum · 26/05/2023 20:22

Sounds like he's asking for help. Although it is hard for you to hear it is good that he's admitted that he has thoughts that he doesn't want about her. Him trying to suppress those thoughts is not working. I would suggest he speaks to a counsellor who's a couples specialist. Maybe see if they think you both need to come or just him?

FedUpWithTheNHS · 26/05/2023 20:26

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2023 19:21

He spent 9 years that OP describe as pretty awful due to her behaviour. Not an excuse for him having an affair but given what’s gone on cruel seems a bit much.

Show quote history

I think there is a big difference between being hard to live with because you are ill and actually hurting someone on purpose, fir example by telling the OP he is still thinking about the (emotional) OW.

powerrangers · 26/05/2023 20:39

thefirstmrsrochester · 26/05/2023 18:32

Having depression isn’t Carte Blanche for your husband to seek out someone else, irrespective of it it was an emotional or physical affair. Both are a betrayal of trust.

Is she is still on his mind, it’s because he is happy with her being on his mind, and his ‘confession’ it to assuage his feelings of guilt.

No but living with someone with depression for a decade can create all sorts of issues for you.

Captainfairylights · 27/05/2023 21:39

He should take responsibility for sorting out his feelings and not burden you with them. It's cruel and childish. If you accept this role of listening to him talk about another woman, it will only get worse. Would he tolerate you talking about another man?

Frogger8395 · 27/05/2023 23:25

I don’t believe in emotional affairs. The phrase suggests there is some sort of cheaters code of honour and there isn’t. They’re comfortable to lie and meet up with someone else, to be emotionally intimate with that person. But hug them? Kiss them? Noo! They would never do that! Morals and all that. It’s absurd to believe in this moral line that they won’t cross.

This confession serves no one. If he confessed to his moralistic emotional affair, and now this, he probably wants out.

Mari9999 · 28/05/2023 00:23

OP, suggest that he discuss his guilty feeling and thoughts with his counselor, priest, minister , or rabbi.

Little good comes from burdening you with his guilty feelings. You can't fix his thoughts and you cannot give him absolution for his thoughts.

There are so many things that people seem to need to "tell" without ever thinking through the very foreseeable pain that they may be causing.

Tell him that his actions have caused enough pain; you have no ability left to suffer because of his thoughts. Let him know that his thoughts and fantasies feel into the category of acceptable secrets.

CandyLips · 28/05/2023 00:58

I'm sorry but he sounds like a first class dick and trying to absolve himself of any blame at all. You are even supporting him in that by saying you were a pain. I suspect he is still in touch and that it was much more than an emotional affair. They always are if they see each other as opposed to long distance.

VDisappointing · 28/05/2023 01:15

I have ocd as do several people in my family. There is such thing as relationship ocd. Compulsive thinking is also a major trait. Ask him to speak to his gp about whether the gp thinks he has ocd and he will be offered sertraline and therapy. He sounds like he is asking for help and if he really is he will agree to go.

barmycatmum · 28/05/2023 01:18

let me make sure I understand.
from what I’m reading, he:

blames your depression for his actions and choices
is actively fantasizing about someone who doesn’t do daily life with him, and
TELLS YOU ABOUT IT (triangulating.)

fuck that. No, really, fuck that.
little toddler man needs to take some personal responsibility. His actions and choices are not loving.

Dotcheck · 28/05/2023 01:21

He replied that it was because he loves me, wants to be with me, is happy with me, but felt guilty at having these thoughts and didn’t want any secrets.

Bullshit.

He misses her and wants you to suffer too.

What a cruel, spiteful man

Fraaahnces · 28/05/2023 05:55

My cousin’s DH had what she claims to be an emotional affair. (I know otherwise, but she won’t hear it.) Sometime after it all came out, and they had committed to being together because she was the one he loved, etc, he became surly and abrasive. Seemed his missed the OW and “she understood him like no other”, but never mind…. He still wanted to be with his wife. Turned out that he had discovered that OW had moved on and he was taking his feelings of jealousy out on my cousin. You are not responsible for your DH’s emotions. He is. If he is having “feelings” regarding the loss of connection to the OW, he needs to explore this (and the reasons why) in therapy. Sounds like he swings all the responsibility for his “feelings” between you and OW. Ask him if she has moved on.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 28/05/2023 07:14

If the 9 years was that bad he would’ve left. You still met a need in him for that time.

This is what happens when you forgive, it doesn’t undo the damage he’s done.

Boardname · 28/05/2023 07:20

In his quest to be open and honest with you he absolutely categorically knows this will hurt you. I do think once something like an affair (emotional or physical it's all the same really) its hard to get the trust back, him saying this has I'm sure picked the healing scab once again. Honestly I just question why he thought it appropriate to tell you and why he's mentioning it now- is she back in touch? Has he been thinking of her the whole time and is breaking it to you gently? Either way sounds like you've tried to make things work but it ain't.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 28/05/2023 07:23

Just out of interest but was the “9 years of depression and moodiness” the reason he gave you when you first found out about the emotional affair or was this something you suggested to him?

MysweetAudrina · 28/05/2023 07:25

Limerence is pure O, a form of OCD. Not pleasant but it is real. It will subside but he should get treatment for unhealed attachment wounds.

Triffiddealer · 28/05/2023 07:47

Is he a very literal person? Of course, after an affair, honesty is key, however none of us is or should be 100% honest. Sometimes we don’t share our thoughts or feelings because it would be brutal and hurtful - it’s not the same as ‘lying’.

If this is obsessive thinking, then it’s his problem to sort out and he needs to go and see someone. This is not the sort of burden you place on your partner.

GreyCarpet · 28/05/2023 08:04

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 28/05/2023 07:14

If the 9 years was that bad he would’ve left. You still met a need in him for that time.

This is what happens when you forgive, it doesn’t undo the damage he’s done.

And if he had, people would call him a bad father for leaving a child in that situation.

Depression is incredibly hard to live with - especially when it's someone else's. It's a cloud over your own life that you're not experiencing directly but are living vicariously. It erodes your own sense of self, happiness and mental health but you feel a huge sense of responsibility to the other person, who you still love, feel huge guilt at any thoughts of leaving them and huge frustration that you too are living half a life.

I too wondered how the OP's MH recovery happened after the emotional affair was revealed and why she hadn't sought help for it. Depression isn't fair or a choice but ourebtpa health is our own responsibility akd not something that should be the responsibility of others to either fix or just live with.

I'm never going to condone an affair of any flavour but that is no life for anyone to live.

Put it this way, my dad died of cancer after living with it for 11 years. His wife cared for him throughout but there is no doubt that it impacted on her life. During the last 3 months of his life, she redecorated the whole house and was once very candid with me that the man she had married died 'years ago'. She was right. I was in no doubt that she was preparing to over on with her life and readying herself for the kept chapter. And why shouldn't she? We all deserve love and happiness and caring for a very ill person (whatever that illness might be) is soul destroying. It's even harder when that person could do something about it and doesn't.

Like I say, I would never condone an affair but I can understand how they happen in these situations. It's often just an escape from an otherwise miserable existence.

That said, he should deal with his own feelings now and not put them onto his wife.

Mummadeze · 28/05/2023 08:22

I have had obsessions with people before, definitely limerence in my case. It is a compulsion to keep ruminating over them and hard to stop. Not seeing them for a year though would probably have cured me as distance is the best cure. I am surprised he is still doing this if he hasn’t seen her for that long. I also think though that if nothing physical happened, this does make it harder to let go. A few of my obsessions ended in an actual liaison (when single) and this actually helped me get over them / broke the mystery. Personally I think you say thank you for being honest and just tell him how important it is that he stays away from any contact (including looking at her on social media for example) to get rid of these thoughts. For me it is a type of OCD that is deep rooted, so I do get where he is coming from.

Toomanycaketins · 28/05/2023 08:22

I also suggest he gets some counselling for this, and then maybe some marriage counselling together. It may be this fixating on the woman as a sort of “one who got away” is focussing his dissatisfaction with life onto a kind of fairytale/escape. He may daydream about being with her and all his problems would vanish away, the same way another person may dream of moving to Australia or getting a perfect job. It is often an illusion, usually our problems/insecurities follow us. The truth is, all relationships start off exciting and carefree, and will all eventually need to settle into real world commitment and the difficulties that brings, the “for better for worse” bit of marriage vows. A friend’s husband was like this, he ended up divorced four times.

Putting all this on to you does seem unfair, or that he’s hinting at ending the marriage but wants to push you into doing it. You need to think carefully about what you want and don’t let him make this all about him and his feelings.

Boardname · 28/05/2023 08:31

MysweetAudrina · 28/05/2023 07:25

Limerence is pure O, a form of OCD. Not pleasant but it is real. It will subside but he should get treatment for unhealed attachment wounds.

What part of that compels someone to torture their partner with it?

Creamyoda · 28/05/2023 08:32

AmazingBouncingFerret · 28/05/2023 07:23

Just out of interest but was the “9 years of depression and moodiness” the reason he gave you when you first found out about the emotional affair or was this something you suggested to him?

I'd be curious to know this too, I suspect it was brought up by him in an attempt to justify his affair. Mental health issues often are, even if evidently they aren't enough to leave they're enough for some people to use as an excuse to cheat.

Makemyday99 · 28/05/2023 08:39

I had an affair (more than emotional) 3 years ago & I still think about him everyday because it was such a wonderful feeling when I was with him, even though I wouldn’t tell or leave my husband as I do love him thinking back to that time gives me such a buzz just as any enjoyable experience does. I really wouldn’t read too much into it but he should have kept it to himself really especially as he isn’t planning to act on it

PorkPieChair · 28/05/2023 13:26

Creamyoda · 28/05/2023 08:32

Show quote history

If this man has the balls to pine openly to his partner about his affair then he is the type to have made her depressed and moody for nine years previously.

He's shitting on you and expecting you to suck it up and he is also cruelly twisting the knife.

He's a nasty fucker, get away from him.

Eleganz · 28/05/2023 13:31

The obvious question to ask him is, "So what are you going to do about it?". I'd be honest back to him that you are hurt that he is still thinking about her and you are unsure what exactly he wants you to do with this information. Make it clear that this issue needs to be solved to keep your marriage on track and he has to take the lead in solving it rather than just dumping these feelings onto you.

neilyoungismyhero · 28/05/2023 13:42

Nine years of being a depressed unpleasant misery must have been pretty hard to take for you both. Having someone to confide in and do normal things with must have been so tempting. Contrary to popular belief he doesn't sound like a complete arse to me, just a conflicted one. What's your depression and demeanour like now? I agree with other posters about counselling for both of you, it doesn't sound like it's too late yet...pretty sure if it was you complaining about his awful treatment of you for 9 years you'd be told to LTB. He didn't leave and presumably supported his family through the shitstorm of your lives maybe he deserves a bit of credit and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread