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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cant decide whether I should leave my husband... please help

70 replies

rainbowcakes · 26/05/2023 10:20

I could really do with some outsider advice regarding my marriage. Apologies if this is long but I don’t want to miss anything out.

Bit of background – been married to DH for 8 years, together for 12. Just before we got married, DH started smoking weed occasionally. It was a bit of fun at first, admittedly I joined in a bit as well, but in no way to the same extent.

A couple of years after this - he started smoking weed every night and spending a lot of time playing PC games. I was also becoming increasingly unhappy at the way he would behave around my family (who I am very close to) - totally disinterested, stand off-ish, constantly on his phone - like he didn’t want to be there. It all came to a head one day and I lost it with him. He was absolutely blindsided but promised he would cut down on the weed smoking and make more of an effort with my family, and initially there were improvements.

About a year later I then fell pregnant with DC and he promised me he would stop the weed completely. Fast forward 4 years to now…. Absolutely nothing changed. If anything, things got worse. His weed smoking increased to during the day (whilst WFH) and would spend every single evening gaming, and at least one day every weekend doing a hobby. He was back to acting 'bored' around my family, not coming to lunches/event etc. In terms of DC - in the grand scheme of things, he has barely spent any time with her (now age 4) and palms her off onto his parents if he ever has to spend a whole day with her when I have plans. Barely taken her out anywhere by himself. Admittedly he has been better with her the last year or so, but only because DC has got more interesting/entertaining as she's got older. I was always too scared to bring anything up with him because he always has an answer for everything & can be very stubborn.

A couple of weeks ago, it suddenly hit me that I am really unhappy and I couldnt continue to justify his behaviour any longer. I basically gave him an ultimatum and told him if he didn’t step up as a father, quit the weed & cut down the gaming, I would be leaving him.

This has totally scared him and the last couple of weeks he has suddenly become a different person. He's been the type of husband and father I've always wanted him to be. He's completely quit the weed, barely played his game and has been totally involved and engaged with DC. He seems totally committed to changing his life, has profusely apologised for everything and realised his behaviour could have cost him his marriage. Although he now wants to spend all evening every evening with me, to the point that’s its suffocating as I'm so used to having my own space!

The problem is…….. I'm not sure if it's enough for me anymore. Whilst it's great that he's making these changes, in my head I'm constantly thinking 'but you should have been doing all of this anyway'. I'm just so angry that it took for me to pull him up on his behaviour for him to realise it was unacceptable. I'm not sure I can ever forgive or forget him essentially prioritising drugs & his own hobbies over our child. I know I shouldn’t have waited so long to bring this up but it was always easier to think it would get better and bury my head in the sand.

I know he absolutely adores us and he would be a totally broken man if I left him, but I feel so guilty. But then I'm terrified of feeling exactly the same way in 2/3/5 years' time and regretting not leaving when I had the chance (I've already spent a long time regretting not leaving a few years ago). Would I still be living a half-life / settling? (I do genuinely believe he won't ever smoke weed again).

I also desperately want another child, but need to accept that if I leave him this may not ever happen (I'm 34). I'm trying not to let this cloud my judgement.

Any advice on what I should do would be greatly appreciated. I just feel so torn on what to do :( Writing all of this down just makes me furious that I have rolled over & accepted this behaviour for so many years. Right now, I'm trying to balance deciding what I want whilst trying not to give him false hope at the same time.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 26/05/2023 10:26

He's lost your trust, and he's lost your respect. What can he do to repair either? If you feel neither are possible then it's over.

But the first thing to do is try marriage counselling. You need a third party to mediate through the hurt and lost years Flowers

SpringOn · 26/05/2023 10:27

if he hadn’t made those changes I would say definitely leave now.

But given the significant changes he has recently made, I would give it a bit longer. Your commitment was for ‘life’, allowing another, say, year to see if these changes stick and if your feelings change seems reasonable to me.

But I definitely come from a position of ‘bad times along with good’, and I am in the very fortunate position that on the whole me and DH get along well together and are happy.

Partytastic · 26/05/2023 10:28

Pixiedust1234 · 26/05/2023 10:26

He's lost your trust, and he's lost your respect. What can he do to repair either? If you feel neither are possible then it's over.

But the first thing to do is try marriage counselling. You need a third party to mediate through the hurt and lost years Flowers

Good advice. Maybe set yourself a time limit of a year to work on it and then think about your decision.

Cherryblossoms85 · 26/05/2023 10:28

I think there is still something to repair here. Try joint counselling first.

SpringOn · 26/05/2023 10:28

… sorry, posted too soon. What I meant to say was I may be putting too much of a positive spin on things. Only you know if you can bear another year x

Babdoc · 26/05/2023 10:35

Relationship counselling is essential, OP. Your DH has changed his behaviour, yes - but you haven’t dealt with all the justifiable anger and resentment over what he put you through, and he doesn’t seem to have fully acknowledged this and the effects on you.
You need a safe space, with a neutral mediator, to discuss all these issues with your DH, and work through all the hurt and anger.
It might then be possible to put it all behind you and make a fresh start. It might not, and that is ok too, if it lets you see that a divorce is the right option. But do go and thrash it all out so you make the right long term decision.

Original poster
rainbowcakes · 26/05/2023 10:58

Thank you everyone for your advice. Whilst I think marriage counselling is probably the right thing to do (and what I should do), my immediate reaction to it in my head is 'I don't want to'. Should that tell me something?! If I wait a year and then still decide I want to leave - I know he's going to feel like I've lied to him / led him on, and it will just be even harder to leave.

If I'm brutally honest - I always felt I have 'settled' with him and that I could do better, even before the weed smoking started/DC was born. I remember accidentally finding out he was going to propose to me (10 years ago now) and I remember feeling sick.

Again - just terrified I will be sitting here a few years from now with the same regrets, and having 'wasted' even more time. I feel like the worst person in the world.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 26/05/2023 10:59

Heres the pattern, in case you cant see it for yourself at the moment. He behaves like a twat, smokes weed, ignores your child, ignores your family. you get fed up, it comes to a head, you threaten to leave, he stops smoking weed and tries to be a bit nicer. Rinse repeat. over and over again. why? because he can. because he has no fear that you will leave him or that his cushy life will stop because he knows that based on what you have done in the past you might threaten to leave but you wont. all he needs to do is make minimum effort for a couple of months then its back to what he wants. he behaves like this because you allow him to, you facilitate it. He has proven that he can be a different person but he CHOOSES not to be. and thats the key here. he makes a positive choice to smoke weed and ignore his child. and pretty soon your child is going to notice this and realise she has a deadbeat dad but then think that perhaps this is ok and that all men treat women like this. and so the cycle will go on.

Its up to you to break this for yourself and for your child. he has had chances, he can change but obviously doesnt think you are worth it. so either carry on rinse and repeat or be the change and move on with yours and your daughters life.

FetchezLaVache · 26/05/2023 11:02

Do you think, deep down, you were hoping he wouldn't step up so you had an out?

Original poster
rainbowcakes · 26/05/2023 11:31

@FetchezLaVache for definite, as bad as it sounds. I said to my parents that in a way, I hope he will fuck up because then I'd be fully justified to leave and not seem like the bad guy. Terrible to admit I know, buts its how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainbowcakes · 26/05/2023 11:37

@mummymeister I absolutely agree with everything you've said. I hate that I have just accepted all of this for so long. Whilst I don't think he will smoke again, I am wondering how long he can keep up this momentum of being the best husband/dad in the whole wide world. I feel like I'm waiting for some of the behaviours to creep back in (the way he acts around my family/other people being the one I think will come back first).

Prior to giving him the ultimatum, I was worried about my daughter noticing & realising this is normal, accepted behaviour and what a relationship/marriage should look like. Thats one thing that spurred me on to give him the ultimatium. She deserves better than that and I want to be a better role model for her.

OP posts:
AlligatorPsychopath · 26/05/2023 11:38

Thank you everyone for your advice. Whilst I think marriage counselling is probably the right thing to do (and what I should do), my immediate reaction to it in my head is 'I don't want to'. Should that tell me something?!

Not really. Nobody likes counselling. It's difficult and awkward and requires looking at yourself in ways you probably don't want to. Blame gaming is much easier and more fun.

You need to give counselling a try. If your relationship isn't salvageable, at least you'll know you did everything you could to repair it and worst case, the counselling can focus on helping you split as amicably as possible.

Heyaa · 26/05/2023 11:39

I live among people who smoke weed. No sympathies from me

Timeforchangeithink · 26/05/2023 11:48

It would appear you never really loved him at all and always felt you deserved better. Looks like you should leave to me as he's quite clearly beneath you. Personally I would wonder if he's always been aware of these feelings and has coped with them by basically removing himself from the situation. Go your seperate ways, you'll both be happier. Raise your daughter with confidence not to.'settle' as it's not just her life that will be affected.

Timeforchangeithink · 26/05/2023 11:48

Sorry that sounds like I'm blaming you, I'm not but I do think there are issues on both sides.

Original poster
rainbowcakes · 26/05/2023 12:05

@Timeforchangeithink not at all, I appreciate your input :) I don't think he is beneath me - its just there's always been some things about him that I knew I wasn't keen on but hoped would change / told myself they weren't a big deal. Which sounds very naïve now, I know. I just don't think I've ever listened to my gut and being the 'nice' person all the time & fear of confrontation hasn't got me anywhere.

OP posts:
AlligatorPsychopath · 26/05/2023 12:39

rainbowcakes · 26/05/2023 12:05

@Timeforchangeithink not at all, I appreciate your input :) I don't think he is beneath me - its just there's always been some things about him that I knew I wasn't keen on but hoped would change / told myself they weren't a big deal. Which sounds very naïve now, I know. I just don't think I've ever listened to my gut and being the 'nice' person all the time & fear of confrontation hasn't got me anywhere.

Which is another reason to do the marital counselling, tbh. You need to examine your role in ending up where you are today too. Even if you left him, you have to coparent with him for many years, so you have a lot of reasons to need to deal with your - understandable - resentment.

Pixiedust1234 · 26/05/2023 18:46

If you don't want to do counselling then you don't have to. You also don't need a reason to leave. Listen to your gut for a change, its trying to tell you something important.

Just as a test....how would you feel if he asked for a divorce. Relief or sadness?

Original poster
rainbowcakes · 26/05/2023 19:08

Pixiedust1234 · 26/05/2023 18:46

If you don't want to do counselling then you don't have to. You also don't need a reason to leave. Listen to your gut for a change, its trying to tell you something important.

Just as a test....how would you feel if he asked for a divorce. Relief or sadness?

I would absolutely feel relief. Even just the thought of him saying that feels like a weight lifting!

OP posts:
DiscoBeat · 26/05/2023 19:10

Sorry, I haven't read the whole post but doing drugs when there are children is a hard no from me. I just could not be involved with someone like that.

Pixiedust1234 · 26/05/2023 19:54

rainbowcakes · 26/05/2023 19:08

I would absolutely feel relief. Even just the thought of him saying that feels like a weight lifting!

Show quote history

There's your answer. It sounds very clear to me what you should do Flowers

MrsKeats · 26/05/2023 22:00

You're so young to be stuck like this.
You can do better.

Original poster
rainbowcakes · 27/05/2023 07:46

@Pixiedust1234 my thoughts exactly. I feel a lot of pressure to do marriage counselling but ive been unhappy for so many years i just dont know if my heart is in it. I know you need to be fully committed for it to work.

@MrsKeats thats exactly how i feel, stuck. Life is too bloody short to have been feeling this way for so long. As i said upthread, im terrified of staying and then still not being happy in a few years.

God this is the absolute worst. He will fall to absolute pieces if i leave but i know i cant stay out of guilt. Especially as its his actions that have caused this!

OP posts:
Paq · 27/05/2023 07:49

Cherryblossoms85 · 26/05/2023 10:28

I think there is still something to repair here. Try joint counselling first.

I agree, because you have a child together it's worth trying to save. But I absolutely don't blame you for not wanting to try. He's been a complete dick.

Suprima · 27/05/2023 08:06

Settling for men usually makes us think that they will treat us better, be more reliable, better partners.

unfortunately not. They know you are settling and treat you with contempt anyway.

you need to get out. You never really loved him properly and it’s no wonder. Men of value don’t just become weed addicts and gamers out of of nowhere. It just does doesn’t happen.

he sounds pathetic and even if he pulls things back to mediocrity you don’t want him anyway