I cant decide whether I should leave my husband... please help

[rainbowcakes]

I could really do with some outsider advice regarding my marriage. Apologies if this is long but I don’t want to miss anything out.

Bit of background – been married to DH for 8 years, together for 12. Just before we got married, DH started smoking weed occasionally. It was a bit of fun at first, admittedly I joined in a bit as well, but in no way to the same extent.

A couple of years after this - he started smoking weed every night and spending a lot of time playing PC games. I was also becoming increasingly unhappy at the way he would behave around my family (who I am very close to) - totally disinterested, stand off-ish, constantly on his phone - like he didn’t want to be there. It all came to a head one day and I lost it with him. He was absolutely blindsided but promised he would cut down on the weed smoking and make more of an effort with my family, and initially there were improvements.

About a year later I then fell pregnant with DC and he promised me he would stop the weed completely. Fast forward 4 years to now…. Absolutely nothing changed. If anything, things got worse. His weed smoking increased to during the day (whilst WFH) and would spend every single evening gaming, and at least one day every weekend doing a hobby. He was back to acting 'bored' around my family, not coming to lunches/event etc. In terms of DC - in the grand scheme of things, he has barely spent any time with her (now age 4) and palms her off onto his parents if he ever has to spend a whole day with her when I have plans. Barely taken her out anywhere by himself. Admittedly he has been better with her the last year or so, but only because DC has got more interesting/entertaining as she's got older. I was always too scared to bring anything up with him because he always has an answer for everything & can be very stubborn.

A couple of weeks ago, it suddenly hit me that I am really unhappy and I couldnt continue to justify his behaviour any longer. I basically gave him an ultimatum and told him if he didn’t step up as a father, quit the weed & cut down the gaming, I would be leaving him.

This has totally scared him and the last couple of weeks he has suddenly become a different person. He's been the type of husband and father I've always wanted him to be. He's completely quit the weed, barely played his game and has been totally involved and engaged with DC. He seems totally committed to changing his life, has profusely apologised for everything and realised his behaviour could have cost him his marriage. Although he now wants to spend all evening every evening with me, to the point that’s its suffocating as I'm so used to having my own space!

The problem is…….. I'm not sure if it's enough for me anymore. Whilst it's great that he's making these changes, in my head I'm constantly thinking 'but you should have been doing all of this anyway'. I'm just so angry that it took for me to pull him up on his behaviour for him to realise it was unacceptable. I'm not sure I can ever forgive or forget him essentially prioritising drugs & his own hobbies over our child. I know I shouldn’t have waited so long to bring this up but it was always easier to think it would get better and bury my head in the sand.

I know he absolutely adores us and he would be a totally broken man if I left him, but I feel so guilty. But then I'm terrified of feeling exactly the same way in 2/3/5 years' time and regretting not leaving when I had the chance (I've already spent a long time regretting not leaving a few years ago). Would I still be living a half-life / settling? (I do genuinely believe he won't ever smoke weed again).

I also desperately want another child, but need to accept that if I leave him this may not ever happen (I'm 34). I'm trying not to let this cloud my judgement.

Any advice on what I should do would be greatly appreciated. I just feel so torn on what to do :( Writing all of this down just makes me furious that I have rolled over & accepted this behaviour for so many years. Right now, I'm trying to balance deciding what I want whilst trying not to give him false hope at the same time.

Marriage counselling isn’t just about trying to fix things. It can be used to support amicable separation. It could help him understand that no matter how well he behaves now, he has been selfish, lazy and completely disrespectful of you for a decade. That anger and frustration you feel is valid, and he can’t wipe that away with a couple of weeks of not actively being an arse.

It’s not unreasonable to want a partner who does all those things because they’re what he wants to do, not because he’s scared of losing you. He should want to spend time with his wife and child; he’s treated it as though it’s just another chore, and that insult to you both won’t just disappear.

You can still do marriage counselling and use it as an opportunity to be heard. Be honest from the off that you feel it is over and want to discuss separating, not staying together.

OP,

It absolutely sounds as if your marriage is over.

I think he will just have to suck it up.

I don't think you have to accept the past.

You clearly put up with terrible behaviour for years and it has killed the marriage.

Him stepping up now is neither here nor there.

You are done.

Hopefully he will want to co parent well, but either way it is time to move forward and divorce.

XDH and I had a (very different) ultimatum moment, and he changed his behaviour overnight. It actually made things worse if anything because it proved he knew all along that what he’d been doing to me was horrible and making me miserable but he had chosen to carry on doing it.

Our marriage was never good. I bought that book “too good to go too bad to stay” and chapter 1 asks the question “how good was the marriage at its best? Because you’re not going to get better than that”. My immediate answer was “not good”.

For what it’s worth we are both happily remarried now and probably both much nicer people for it.

One swallow does not a summer make!

This is the second time he's promised to change and it's only been two weeks, could he do this for the next 50 years? Could you?

I think women, when they make the decision to leave, it's usually after years and years of unhappiness. It's not on a whim and by the time you've voiced it, you've already emotionally disconnected from him. He's had his chance, years ago to change, and he chose not to.

You don't need a reason to leave, you can leave a completely nice person if it's not working for you. You're a long time dead and I'd not want to waste my life with someone who you weren't that fond of

You need to leave.

Thank you everyone. Thats another thing im so resentful about - how has he not wanted to spend any time with us?

We went out for some drinks & dinner yesterday which was good fun (which i knew it would be- despite everything, i do actually like his company!). But today, he keeps asking (in front of our child!!) how im feeling, what i want, if all of this is a waste of time, how he cant keep living like this etc. But i have no idea how to answer him, as i dont know what i want! Im so bad at being put on the spot, my mind goes blank and I keep saying ‘i dont know’. I said that 2 weeks of improved behaviour doesnt make up for 9 years of doing all but he doesnt know whag more he can do. He doesnt seem to get that i cant just switch off years of resentment in a couple of weeks just because hes finally stepping up.

Sex/intimacy is another thing - since i gave the ultimatum, we havent had sex as ive felt its not fair to him & also i dont want to! But he keeps on asking about it & how are things going to improve if we aren’t intimate. I said i feel like i cant win - if we start sleeping together & then we cant work things out then im an asshole, and if we dont sleep together then im also being an asshole! Just feel backed into a corner and cant deal with this constant pressure of feeling like i should have sex with him, plus him wanting me to say ‘there there all will be fine’. Ive spent so many years being a pushover/too nice, I refuse to do it anymore because where has that got me?

Sorry for the mini rant. Just so much going on in my head right now.

It’s all too little too late. If you want out then you want out. You don’t need a reason apart from you aren’t happy, but in any case you have a plethora of reasons! Don’t stop yourself leaving because you feel like an arsehole, you will talk yourself round in circles if you aren’t careful.

Also fuck that in regards to him pressuring you. Just no.

To be honest OP, I don't think either of you come off particularly well here.

Yes, he's been a shit husband and father, but at the same time it sounds like you've married a man that you never really loved or wanted to marry.

You say you always felt like you'd settled. He has to know that, at least subconsciously, and its probably had some impact on the way he's behaved.

By agreeing to marry a man you've always felt wasn't good enough for you, and then just rumbling along within that marriage despite being unhappy, you've essentially robbed both yourself and your husband of the chance of a happy relationship.

I don't think you're likely to be able to get over the resentment at this point, and he's never going to be able to keep this "new him" going long term so it's probably kinder to both of you to just end it now.

Do not sleep with him until you know for certain you forgive the past and want to be with him. It will only mess with your head more otherwise.

You seem very confused so call up Relate or seperate counselling asap so you can find a way through this. Two days ago you said you would feel huge relief if he left, one day later you are talking about possibly having sex with him. That's not normal. Almost makes me wonder whether he's done a right number on you where you have no self anymore.

So, 6 months on, im back…

Hes generally been a good husband & father since i gave him the ultimatum, and we've been getting along really well. He completely quit the weed cold turkey and (i genuinely believe) he hasnt used it since….. until two weeks ago.

He came in the house after popping out & i instantly noticed his eyes were bloodshot, so alarm bells rang. To cut a very long story short, i found a jar of weed in his drawers in his office. Every time he has left the house the last couple of weeks (which is LOADS as he suddenly keeps inventing excuses to go out somewhere so he can smoke), ive been going through his drawers to check his stash. Slowly diminishing and is then replaced.

So hes lying to me, doing it behind my back & thinks i dont know. He was doing so so well and now hes fucked it. I know what i have to do because i gave him an ultimatum.

I havent confronted him, im going to keep monitoring everything for now so that i have plenty of evidence to confront him with so that he cant try & talk his way out of it. Considering waiting until early January, once Christmas has gone, for my daughters sake more than anything. Cant believe hes such a fucking idiot.

Take photos of the changing stash levels so that he cannot gaslight you.

He knows what he's doing is a deal-breaker and has chosen to do it through deceit.

Don't be fooled by this arch manipulator any more. His real personality is the one you have disliked all these years. Don't lose sight of that.

Stay strong and see the real him and be prepared for every manipulative tactics he will use.

I'm so sorry, Op, but I had an awful feeling this moment would come.

You're in a better place now. You know you did all you could. You gave him his second (3rd? 4th?) chance and he blew it. You now know you can't trust his promises, you know he's happy lying to you, you know he values weed above his marriage. You know the only right thing to do is leave him.

I left my first marriage many years ago as a result of XDH addiction. For many years after I used to have nightmares which had the same basic storyline. The story line was that I was still married to him, and he'd promised to change, and everyone around me was saying I should give him in chance, he deserved that. And in the dream, I felt sick. Because I knew that, even if he could wave a magic wand and go back to his old unaddicted self, his addiction had killed our marriage. The feeling of dread that I was stuck with him was awful.

He treated you badly for years. Then he expected you to be grateful and to havr totally forgiven him and invested in your marriage after 2 weeks of him making an effort. Amazing arrogance and lack of self awareness on his part.

Now you know - he's on his way back to being his old self, and even if he gave up (again) you would never know when he'd be back on it, and back to his selfish and unpleasant ways.

Don't wait till Christmas. Don't put it off again. Don't think that you're "the bad guy".. he made his choices. Put yourself and your child first, and seek heart and spirit from the people on here, who will champion and support you through it. You deserve better, right now, not in January.

Does he do other drugs?

I feel sorry for both of you.

If he has an addictive nature does he know this and would he get help?

I know weed is not supposed to be addictive, but it's clearly a habit he has and can't stop, for whatever reason.

For me, the crux of your former posts were when you said you settled for him and it all came across as if you didn't really love him, he was just 'ok' and you settled, for some reason.

Maybe- just maybe- he knows this too. Is his habit an escapism from what he can sense? That you aren't really into him?

The way he did stop smoking shows he wants to hold onto you.
The marriage seems unbalanced.

You will possibly read this and feel I'm blaming you. Not at all. it's just not working.

Just silently make your exit plans so when you're ready you can just go. start looking for somewhere else to live - if you plan to leave. Fill out the forms if you're entitled to benefits and be ready to press the button.

Ive been in a very similar situation to you and it's very much death by a thousand cuts. By the time I left I absolutely despised him. I left he would've fought that to the end so easier for me to start again and I don't regret it.

My life is a zillion times better now. You're still young enough to start again.

Don't you think you've waited long enough?

Six months ago you said when someone asked how you would feel if he wanted to end it: I would absolutely feel relief. Even just the thought of him saying that feels like a weight lifting! You also said you almost wished he would fuck up so you could split up without feeling the bad guy.

Now you have it proved to you, yet again, that he cannot or will not change, and you're still sitting tight, waiting for the "right time".

There's never a right time. Don't wait any more, you've given years to this relationship already. If you wait, the chances are you'll lose impetus and decide it's not bad enough or you need something more or he'll make more meaningless promises you think you have to give him a chance for.

Just make the break.

See if you can find a counsellor that deals with couples separating. Having a clear goals and modes of communicating will help you both have a better co parenting experience. It also won’t hurt to hear each other out before you leave to clear the air. All that festering is bad for everyone, especially your child.

No, don't wait for after Christmas. Make a plan & tell him it's over asap

In January there's will be something else, a birthday, an illness...

Just rip the plaster off. You can do it.

Thank you everyone. Im so sad for our DD but i know cant allow him to keep disrespecting me like this. Plus it also means my ultimatum will mean nothing and he will just get sneakier about smoking if he decides to continue.

Re the settling - i hope it hasnt come across that i feel more superior/better as a person than him. That really isnt what i mean. Its more that he has always treated me a bit low-level shit even before the weed smoking but i was always too scared to leave. A few years ago i was absolutely besotted with him. So i ‘settled’ in the sense that i knew i probably deserved better (and people told me so) but tried to block it out or pretend it wasnt that bad. I really dont think the weed is related to this - hes always been someone who will do something he wants to do and he wont do something he doesnt want to do, regardless of another person’s feelings. (Eg if i wanted him to come to an event- if he didnt want to go, he wouldnt, regardless of whether it was important to me).

Even though hes back smoking, hes still acting like dad & husband of the year. But i know exactly why - a) so that when i do confront him, he can claim ‘but im still being a great dad/husband’, and b) he knows that will make it harder for me to leave him.

I know i should confront him sooner rather than later, and im honestly not trying to use christmas as an excuse to delay it. Im not even nervous about confronting him because i know hes totally in the wrong. Im just worried about my DD with Christmas coming up, shes so excited to do Christmas activities etc with us both in December.

You deserve better than this OP. Your daughter deserves better. He's slipping back into that destructive pattern of behaviour and drug abuse. It's time to put an end to this. Don't wait until after Christmas. You've given him every opportunity and he's shown you that he will never change. Give yourself an early Christmas present by putting an end to this marriage and allowing yourself freedom to move on.

@perfectcolourfound your nightmare is exactly how I felt in real life six months ago! I was so close to leaving but everyone around me was very much ‘Ooooh but you should really give him another chance’. Even though i wasnt sure that was what i really wanted to do. Although now at least I can say I did give him that chance and he blew it.

Yes you've given him every possible chance to prove that he could change but he's thrown that back in your face and he has to know that what he's doing means the end of his marriage. Stand firm this time and start putting yourself first.

I don't think you need to wait for Christmas either. You're going to have to get through Christmas either way, it's not going to be any easier knowing you've got to end your marriage in January than it is having just ended it.

Get yourself together in terms of paperwork, logistics, see a solicitor etc, don't tell him what you're doing. Getting divorced is not a fun time, but neither is waiting for this shit to hit the fan, take control, and stop hanging everything on him and what he's doing or not doing. Enough of that. Time for you to be proactive rather than reactive.

There is never a good time to leave and you will be writing similarly in another 12 months time. DO not further get bogged down in your sunk costs.

He has had more than enough chances from you already and he's blown them all. Christmas also is but two days out of 365 so do not use your DDs love of activities as a reason to further spin this dysfunctional and otherwise unhealthy relationship out even longer. Do you not think that you've kicked the can down the road long enough already?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Who taught you that females have to be nice and to avoid confrontation at all costs?.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here?. This is no relationship model to be showing her. You have a choice re this man, she does not.