I cant decide whether I should leave my husband... please help

[rainbowcakes]

I could really do with some outsider advice regarding my marriage. Apologies if this is long but I don’t want to miss anything out.

Bit of background – been married to DH for 8 years, together for 12. Just before we got married, DH started smoking weed occasionally. It was a bit of fun at first, admittedly I joined in a bit as well, but in no way to the same extent.

A couple of years after this - he started smoking weed every night and spending a lot of time playing PC games. I was also becoming increasingly unhappy at the way he would behave around my family (who I am very close to) - totally disinterested, stand off-ish, constantly on his phone - like he didn’t want to be there. It all came to a head one day and I lost it with him. He was absolutely blindsided but promised he would cut down on the weed smoking and make more of an effort with my family, and initially there were improvements.

About a year later I then fell pregnant with DC and he promised me he would stop the weed completely. Fast forward 4 years to now…. Absolutely nothing changed. If anything, things got worse. His weed smoking increased to during the day (whilst WFH) and would spend every single evening gaming, and at least one day every weekend doing a hobby. He was back to acting 'bored' around my family, not coming to lunches/event etc. In terms of DC - in the grand scheme of things, he has barely spent any time with her (now age 4) and palms her off onto his parents if he ever has to spend a whole day with her when I have plans. Barely taken her out anywhere by himself. Admittedly he has been better with her the last year or so, but only because DC has got more interesting/entertaining as she's got older. I was always too scared to bring anything up with him because he always has an answer for everything & can be very stubborn.

A couple of weeks ago, it suddenly hit me that I am really unhappy and I couldnt continue to justify his behaviour any longer. I basically gave him an ultimatum and told him if he didn’t step up as a father, quit the weed & cut down the gaming, I would be leaving him.

This has totally scared him and the last couple of weeks he has suddenly become a different person. He's been the type of husband and father I've always wanted him to be. He's completely quit the weed, barely played his game and has been totally involved and engaged with DC. He seems totally committed to changing his life, has profusely apologised for everything and realised his behaviour could have cost him his marriage. Although he now wants to spend all evening every evening with me, to the point that’s its suffocating as I'm so used to having my own space!

The problem is…….. I'm not sure if it's enough for me anymore. Whilst it's great that he's making these changes, in my head I'm constantly thinking 'but you should have been doing all of this anyway'. I'm just so angry that it took for me to pull him up on his behaviour for him to realise it was unacceptable. I'm not sure I can ever forgive or forget him essentially prioritising drugs & his own hobbies over our child. I know I shouldn’t have waited so long to bring this up but it was always easier to think it would get better and bury my head in the sand.

I know he absolutely adores us and he would be a totally broken man if I left him, but I feel so guilty. But then I'm terrified of feeling exactly the same way in 2/3/5 years' time and regretting not leaving when I had the chance (I've already spent a long time regretting not leaving a few years ago). Would I still be living a half-life / settling? (I do genuinely believe he won't ever smoke weed again).

I also desperately want another child, but need to accept that if I leave him this may not ever happen (I'm 34). I'm trying not to let this cloud my judgement.

Any advice on what I should do would be greatly appreciated. I just feel so torn on what to do :( Writing all of this down just makes me furious that I have rolled over & accepted this behaviour for so many years. Right now, I'm trying to balance deciding what I want whilst trying not to give him false hope at the same time.

Thanks everyone. I know you’re all right. Im just so scared, and gutted, despite everything.

Why should you have to tell him how to behave?

I recently separated from my husband after years of forgiving him for the same thing (money related) and hoping things would be better which they always were until the next time. I couldn’t even tell you why this time was the final straw for me but the question I asked myself was if I imagine my future continuing in the same way, waiting for the next time, trying to always have sufficient secret savings to bail us out etc as opposed to a life on my own but without all that uncertainty which do I want. He wanted counselling and I refused because I no longer wanted to remain married to him and knew I’d never trust him again. It’s very scary and hurt so much in the early days but I’m calmer now and starting to live a life I want which is one full of possibilities.

Well, i did it & told him everything i knew (admittedly not before Christmas, i just couldnt face it).

Obviously he is devastated, begging me for another chance, promises of change…. All the same stuff ive heard before.

Hes agreed to move in with his mum, which will probably happen at some point next week.

My god, that was absolutely awful. I feel
so guilty, even though this is all his fault & he knew what he was risking. I dont know how to feel right now. Just needed to get it out here!

I'm so sorry it's ended up this way but you did everything you could. He just couldn't meet you half way. Well done for having the courage to talk.

You must leave. I could have written your post. He will also get paranoid and lazy and he won’t be able to function. I promise you it won’t get better. The separation will be horrible and he probably already has a personality disorder.

Well done
I'd like to say the worst is done but probably not. Divorce is very hard but you must push on through.

I did divorce (a shocker) and then found a new man and he smoked weed but hid it.
My god the mood swings. The gaslighting. The rage. So please do be careful and don't hide this from your nearest and dearest. It is addictive and it is a powerful drug these days.

You will always feel guilt for your DD but try not to. Mine are now 16 and 13 - their dad left 10 years ago (the divorce).

You resonate with me because you don't want to be the mean or bad or wrong one. I always felt that. Later, their dad committed a serious crime, and only then did I be the mum my gut instinct had been telling me to be for years. Yours isn't lying to you. Stop trying to make up for his short comings and just focus on you and your DD.

Be brave. Be you.

Well done op. Now stick to it.

Well done, you've absolutely done everything you can and have given him more chances than he deserved and he still monumentally fucked it up. Don't listen to any more excuses, pleadings for more chances or guilt tripping from him or his family. You deserve a better life than one with him treating you like this and thinking what you need is not important. You're still young and will be able to move on and find happiness one day hopefully with someone who treats you as well as you'd like to be treated.

Thank you so much for your lovely replies. I know i need to be strong. Im always the ‘nice’ person and hate upsetting people, but he really left me with no choice. It was heartbreaking seeing him fall to pieces in front of me but Im so proud of myself for staying strong.

Im absolutely dreading the day he moves out, that will make it really hit home. Everything aside, i do love him but I just cannot continue to let him take the piss out of me anymore. Its not what I wanted and I’m devastated but I just need to remember when im feeling guilty that he has caused all of this.

He is on his best behaviour for now because of the ultimatum and he doesn’t want to lose you but unfortunately, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is part of a cycle … a bit like the cycle of abuse.

Once he feels more comfortable and thinks you won’t leave, it’ll start up again bit by bit and before you know it another 10 years have passed and your dd has had an emotionally unavailable dad and you’ve put up with an emotionally absent husband who lives with you both but makes it clear he can’t be arsed with either of you.

Dont be fooled.

And like you say, you can’t stay with him just because he’ll fall to pieces if you leave him.
He broke the marriage vow and didn’t look after you. You continue to look after him to the point you’re reluctant to leave in case you upset him. You’re putting his feelings before yours.

Don't sacrifice your happiness and dd happiness for this man who, for 8 years, treated you both with contempt.

Just read your update. Well done OP.

Try not to feel guilty.
Remind yourself ( and him, if you need to, that this is all his own doing)

He was totally taking the piss and is now facing consequences.

Quote from yourself ' I remember accidentally finding out he was going to propose to me (10 years ago now) and I remember feeling sick.'

Why on earth did you say yes !

So now this time, stick to no no no.

It's over, move on.

This might help.

I got this from women's aid at divorce. It's the freedom program.

The weed boyfriend defaced my card (it's a little two sided business card). I wanted a new one but had to buy 100 from women's aid but I swear by this. I finally met an all green man. Never thought such a man existed. My father was very abusive.

If you PM me your address, I'll post you one. It keeps me sane.

Any single one of the red side is abusive. He doesn't need to be all of them, just one is enough to be considered abusive by Women's aid.

Good for you, OP. My ex DH was very similar (cannabis addiction, avoidant, disinterested in me and our DS). He supposedly quit and started again countless times and it was always a bone of contention. I stayed with him because I was desperate for another baby and I was older than you. We finally separated 7 years later after my DD was born. I don't regret having my DD of course and things have turned out fine but I will never get all those years back when I was miserable because of my hopeless marriage. You did the right thing even though it's hard.

Good for you and your DD OP. Can I suggest a couple of principles that might help?

1. Your DD only needs to know that you both love her and you both will always be there for her
2. Don't start saying anything negative about him because once you start it's tricky to stop - focus on how you can work together positively to support your DD
3. Make time for yourself. Whatever the split is, single parenting is at times draining so try to find something that is just for you

It might also help to write a list of the "bad things" and hide it away for those times when everything is a bit hard. I had so many people implying exdp wasn't that bad but it's the accumulation that stops you being able to be you. Also you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.
Good luck!

@grandmashotdoodlebugs thank you, ive saved these to my phone!

@asquideatingdough you were in the exact same position as me. I am absolutely desperate to have another baby but know thats very unlikely to happen for me now which im really struggling to accept. Thank you for your kind words.

@itslunicorns thank you. Im dreading telling DD, and i dont think she will really understand as shes only 4. I would never be negative about him in front of her, we agreed shes the most important thing. Good idea about making a list of the bad things - i actually wrote one last year before i gave him an ultimatum so ill have to dig that out again!

You are being slightly disingenuous here, but you have ultimately (thankfully) made the right decision.

You said upthread that you were dreading his proposal and yet you accepted it anyway. He must have, on some level, knew that you felt you were ‘settling’. Who knows how he would have behaved with someone who valued him more.

OTOH, he sounds like a total PITA. Smoking weed and game playing all night is never good, and over 25 is pathetic.

You will both be happier going your own ways, as will your child after an adjustment phase.

Just don’t go back on it this time.

This was my ex husband to a T. He had undiagnosed ADHD and autism. I also never got another baby because of his weed smoking everynight