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Original poster

Fwb to more?

60 replies

Naivetohope · 25/05/2023 21:34

Is it possible?

Been seeing a guy for a good while on and off. Met through an online app. Started and is currently officially a fwb arrangement but...I have come to realise lately I maybe want more. I think it's possible he does too, but I don't know for sure and I'm scared to raise the subject in case he doesn't as I don't want to end the current arrangement even if not.

I'm sure there's some of you been in similar situations, what did you do? Did it work out?

Points to consider:

He claims I'm the only person he's shagging but we are both still on the app and so maybe that's not true? He wasn't active on it for ages but I've noticed he's been back on it lately, is he still looking out for other opportunities? Or maybe he's checking if I'm active?

He's made certain comments over last several weeks that could be read as him indicating he's interested in something more? Or at least a definite exclusive arrangement? But that may be wishful thinking on my part?

I do have a tendency to overthink, to imagine the worst.

I'd love to hear from people who've been in a similar situation that managed to ensure a positive outcome?

Oh if only we could be mind readers eh?

OP posts:
Neverinamonthofsundays · 25/05/2023 21:36

You will only know if you ask him directly unfortunately but men usually let you know if they want more and he has not specified this himself as yet so maybe he doesnt and the reason he is active on sites is to find someone else.

Original poster
Naivetohope · 25/05/2023 22:18

Was afraid that would be the answer.

The nature of our connection/arrangement though means he may also be weary of my reaction ? Be unsure of risking sending me running?

OP posts:
namechangeasparanoid · 25/05/2023 22:21

Ask him the question. If you want more and aren't getting more then it's likely to sour anyway. So nothing to lose!

Original poster
Naivetohope · 25/05/2023 22:23

I've the current arrangement to lose which I really get a lot out of.

OP posts:
Mirrormythinking · 25/05/2023 22:27

What would be holding him back? Has he said? Men usually let you know if they want to make things more serious.

intothegreek · 25/05/2023 22:33

From what I've been seeing from friends in this situation, the guy is usually keeping it casual because that's all he wants from the girl. Many of them have been RUTHLESS when the girl has said they have feelings. The guy has been fully participating as if they have feelings but openly admit when asked they have absolutely none. I wouldn't hold my breath and I'd find someone who's looking for that from you. Worth asking the question but be prepared for the answer! Good luck

Original poster
Naivetohope · 25/05/2023 22:34

How we met/started - at this point I said I didn't want a relationship.

The app is considered more for hookups than serious dating.

He's been badly hurt in the past so maybe some trust issues there.

As have I so he may not want to put me off.

He has a lot on his plate in terms of a busy life and responsibilities.

I've presented myself as super independent/not needing anyone. True initially, but I'm reconsidering.

OP posts:
Original poster
Naivetohope · 25/05/2023 22:35

Last post in response to:

"What would be holding him back?"

OP posts:
Shivvy120 · 25/05/2023 22:56

In my experience if a man really wants you , he won’t want anyone else getting an opportunity with you ! Could you float the idea of oh I was thinking of leaving that app, and see where that conversation goes?
He is busy but it’s no excuse … how many busy people do we know who managed to meet someone and settle down? Being busy is one thing but people can generally always make time for what’s important.
from what you say, his answer if you did ask could be anything. It prob would be great if you did know now what he wants - you can at least protect yourself from getting hurt that way.

Original poster
Naivetohope · 25/05/2023 23:20

I've hidden my page for now, that's something that he will notice if he goes on the app especially if he actually looks for my page on there.

OP posts:
DivorcedAndDelighted · 25/05/2023 23:20

Yes my fwb thing has turned into a very lovely committed relationship, and I don't think it's that uncommon. But I do think you need to ask him directly. If you can have sex with him, you should be able to have a conversation with him. I know that's easier said than done, but honestly, you owe it to yourself to state plainly what you want. Just be honest and say that, while initially you didn't want a relationship, now things have changed for you. If that scares him off, this set-up was only going to lead to aggro for you anyway. It sounds like you're ready for a deeper relationship now. If that can be with him, great. If he's not offering that, you won't be satisfied with what you've got with him any more; you'll need to end it and find somebody who can give you what you need.

Original poster
Naivetohope · 25/05/2023 23:30

How did your thing become more? Who made the first move and what did they say?

I feel/worry it's possible mine said some comments I was supposed to pick up on and respond to and I don't think I did in time or in the right way and now I've missed my chance?

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 25/05/2023 23:34

DH and I were friends, then FWB, now we're married. I think a lot of relationships are like this without the labels. Things start casually and progress. The difference with dating sites is the caveat, "but I told you I meant looking for anything serious".
There's only one way to find out OP

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/05/2023 23:43

Yes just talk to him. You could be wrong, but it seems like you’re sensing a shift in him emotionally too. Don’t waste time agonising, have a chat with him - you don’t have to be massively vulnerable about it, just tell him you feel like there might be something more than fwb to explore between you, and what does he reckon?

Redcliffe1 · 26/05/2023 00:09

Could you ask him to do something more "date like" (dinner?) and gage his reaction?

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 26/05/2023 01:41

Mention you're thinking about going out with someone else as you eventually want a serious relationship so you need to keep dating. You'll know.

namechangeasparanoid · 26/05/2023 02:10

Naivetohope · 25/05/2023 22:23

I've the current arrangement to lose which I really get a lot out of.

But you've already said you want more than that so although there will be a loss of it ends, this current arrangement is no longer meeting your needs !

DivorcedAndDelighted · 26/05/2023 07:23

I feel/worry it's possible mine said some comments I was supposed to pick up on and respond to and I don't think I did in time or in the right way and now I've missed my chance?

A. It's entirely possible he's open to more, but it's just not realistic that the chance would be gone because you didn't pick up on his hints in the right time frame.
B. Certainly some men are wary of getting knocked back so he might have taken you at your word before. So put him right. We all grow and change, so just tell him that you now want the possibility of more than fwb and you'd like to see how your relationship with him could develop without having this label on it. But if he's not open to that it's OK, you just need to know as you'll be dating.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 26/05/2023 07:41

How did your thing become more? Who made the first move and what did they say?

We were both wary after long marriages so for a long time we were both petrified of commitment and full of bravado about it just being sex. Then we found we were spending lots of time chatting, then we both realised we weren't actually seeing other people despite having said we would, so we became exclusive without properly talking about it, after 2 or 3 months. We started spending time together without sex, started helping each other. Just as @UndercoverCop says, it started casual then grew, but maybe like you, I was afraid of rocking the boat and losing something I valued. After about 4 months I said "are we exclusive now then?" and established that we were, but he misunderstood what I was asking, freaked out a bit about not being ready to be an official couple, said he wasn't ready for that, looked scared, I said OK whatever. But I then noticed that he started treating me very very nicely straight after that, and our involvement deepened. However, it was a ludicrous amount of time before we actually had The Talk, as in I said "we're a normal couple now, aren't we?". Looking back I feel like an idiot about that. Nowadays, 3 years in, one of the things I value about our relationship is that we have great communication and I can just talk to him about anything that bothers me. I think we could both have been happier earlier if I'd just been brave enough to talk openly with him.

caughtinamess · 26/05/2023 07:49

You never know until you ask.

I had someone who started off as fwb but we were both seeing others as such. I sorted myself out and told him this, he did the same. Years later I was drunk and went round to his telling him I'd fallen for him. He kinda brushed it off and wasn't spoken about. Several months later he admitted he didn't know how to react because he felt the same about me but was scared I was gonna do a runner but by then I was drifting because he wouldn't commit wouldn't make it official. He would be so passionate and talk about getting a r

caughtinamess · 26/05/2023 07:49

Post too early, oops
BOUT GETTING A RING FOR ME BLAH BLAH but it was done

Mirrormythinking · 26/05/2023 08:32

You said he's busy with responsibilities etc. Does he have kids could that be holding him back from blending etc. That's a whole other level. Many men are happy with a fab and no hassles.

Mirrormythinking · 26/05/2023 08:39

fwb not fab 😆

CandyLips · 26/05/2023 09:25

You can think all kinds of things and even get waylaid by things that they hint at - ask him. Until you do you have no idea.

Are you happy to keep seeing him if he says he's not interested until he meets someone else and ditches you?

Oopsiedaisyy · 26/05/2023 10:29

Can i ask though, what does "more" mean to you?

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