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Original poster

Fwb to more?

60 replies

Naivetohope · 25/05/2023 21:34

Is it possible?

Been seeing a guy for a good while on and off. Met through an online app. Started and is currently officially a fwb arrangement but...I have come to realise lately I maybe want more. I think it's possible he does too, but I don't know for sure and I'm scared to raise the subject in case he doesn't as I don't want to end the current arrangement even if not.

I'm sure there's some of you been in similar situations, what did you do? Did it work out?

Points to consider:

He claims I'm the only person he's shagging but we are both still on the app and so maybe that's not true? He wasn't active on it for ages but I've noticed he's been back on it lately, is he still looking out for other opportunities? Or maybe he's checking if I'm active?

He's made certain comments over last several weeks that could be read as him indicating he's interested in something more? Or at least a definite exclusive arrangement? But that may be wishful thinking on my part?

I do have a tendency to overthink, to imagine the worst.

I'd love to hear from people who've been in a similar situation that managed to ensure a positive outcome?

Oh if only we could be mind readers eh?

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 26/05/2023 12:38

You should just talk to him about it.

I know you don't want to lose the current relationship, but that's a risk you have to take. If you've reached a point where you feel you want more, then continuing on as fwb is just putting off the inevitable of getting hurt, and in the long run it will probably affect your self esteem to continue something casual with someone you've caught feelings for.

JimnJoyce · 26/05/2023 12:45

Ive just ended a 5 year FWB relationship. I have feelings but they know its not reciprocated.

JimnJoyce · 26/05/2023 12:46

*But I know its not reciprocated

Original poster
Naivetohope · 27/05/2023 00:38

@DivorcedAndDelighted I think that's possibly kinda where we're at, subtly not seeing others but not really talking about it? Not defining it? But I think he thinks I might still be seeing others & that MAY be why he's on the app?

But then I could be wrong & he's getting bored of me & looking to see other people?

Which I can't even tell him not to as officially that's not our arrangement? And if I did ask him not to see other people that could be a problem?

OP posts:
Original poster
Naivetohope · 27/05/2023 14:33

Oopsiedaisyy · 26/05/2023 10:29

Can i ask though, what does "more" mean to you?

Good question!

Cos I am actually not wanting/interested in a full on, seeing each other most days thing that wouldn't suit me at all.

Maybe I'm being selfish in that I think I do want some exclusivity?

OP posts:
DivorcedAndDelighted · 28/05/2023 16:18

@Naivetohope , you're not happy with the current situation. You can't tell him not to see others, but you can ask him if he is seeing anyone else. And whatever his answer, you can say "I have found myself not wanting to see anyone else. I'm ready for a more mainstream relationship. I'd like that to be with you, but if you're not ready for that I'll understand, as that's not how we started off. But please think about it and let me know how you feel. "

If he doesn't want more then I'd strongly encourage you to finish this and have a fresh start dating. It would be hard for a new relationship to have a fair chance if you tried to date others alongside this man who has a head start on the competition.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 28/05/2023 16:20

Naivetohope · 27/05/2023 14:33

Good question!

Cos I am actually not wanting/interested in a full on, seeing each other most days thing that wouldn't suit me at all.

Maybe I'm being selfish in that I think I do want some exclusivity?

Show quote history

Most people don't see each other most days though, unless they're living together. "Normal" can be anything from once a week to 4x a week, more, less, whatever

WilkinsonM · 28/05/2023 16:33

I'm marrying my FWB this year
Thing is though we never went exclusive so it was probably a bit easier to acknowledge our feelings. We went from FWB to 'this is something more but not serious' and sat there for a while, then we got separated by Covid and when that was over we spoke honestly and it went from there.

Original poster
Naivetohope · 26/06/2023 15:17

I'm a mess!

Got frustrated, met someone on a night out and have started seeing them too kinda (v casual not serious relationship material at all for various reasons but fun), fwb doesn't know about this specifically but the situation is still that I haven't promised him and he's aware that I haven't promised him exclusivity. I'm actively back on the app, he hasn't been for a week but chat app we converse on I can see he's on but he's not messaging me. So think there may be someone new for him.

His messages to me have really dropped off. No more comments that could possibly indicate he may be interested in more.

I've screwed this up haven't I? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Naivetohope · 13/07/2023 22:32

Just found out he is in a relationship which he kept very very well hidden!

I'm trying to not react as far as he's concerned yet as I want time to think and plan what to do if anything (beyond dumping his sorry arse that is!) head spinning!

This sucks!

I have always been very clear with him
and all my sexual partners that I won't support cheating!

I'm so angry! Don't know what if anything to do (as I said apart from dumping his arse!) AngryAngryAngry

OP posts:
pendleflyer · 13/07/2023 22:37

hang on - maybe read too quickly, but certain double standards here?

aflix · 13/07/2023 22:42

What?

Original poster
Naivetohope · 13/07/2023 22:51

How on earth is there double standards?!

I'm single, I was clear from the start I wasn't exclusive to him and I've even discussed the other partners with him when it was relevant eg if he wanted to meet up and I already had plans with someone else.

He swore he was not only single but that I was even the only sexual partner he had at this point in time. A blatant lie.

OP posts:
aflix · 13/07/2023 22:52

Sorry OP, I've just reread and see what you mean. He's nasty.

aflix · 13/07/2023 22:53

Cross post.

Suchab · 13/07/2023 23:11

Personally I would say the fact he has been back on the site recently is a worry rather than a good sign!

Suchab · 13/07/2023 23:15

Sorry I hadn’t seen your update

Original poster
Naivetohope · 13/07/2023 23:15

Am I being awful to screenshot all our messages since we've been seeing each other and his profile on the site? Which shows he's been on recently? I feel like I need to prepare for all eventualities? But I also need to be mindful of my personal safety as he knows where I live. As I said my head is all over place! I'm furious! But also hurt (even though fwb I thought he at least had some respect for me!) also feel sick at having been made into an ow against my wishes or knowledge!

OP posts:
ilikeeggs · 13/07/2023 23:23

How did you find out he is in a relationship?

Original poster
Naivetohope · 13/07/2023 23:56

Can I pm you about that? Tricky to explain

OP posts:
guineacup · 13/07/2023 23:56

So you're in a rocky FWB arrangement and started having sex with someone else and not told him because you had never said you'd be exclusive. He's also been having sex with someone else, and that's developed into a relationship?

I'm thinking what's happened comes with the territory of FWB - you have to accept they might find someone to have an actual relationship with - and there's some double standards here... These "have cake and eat it" FWB arrangement generally seem to end messily or with heartbreak... with the odd exception.

Original poster
Naivetohope · 14/07/2023 00:09

It was as far as I knew a steady albeit fwb situation, I've known him a very long time this way, on and off. As far as I knew, and he explicitly claimed he was single. I now know he had started a new committed relationship before our current fwb situation restarted quite some months ago.

I have met someone else I am sleeping with regularly yes, I haven't explicitly told him but he knows I sleep with other people that's always been the understanding, he's always been ok with that, even encouraging in fact.

He knows I've been cheated on in the past and would not have chosen to be an ow if I'd known, I've always been very clear about that with him and all my sexual partners.

So I don't see there's a double standard at all.

I've been open and honest with him just not told him specifics as that's just impolite I feel. If I had met someone for a committed relationship I'd have told him and ended the arrangement.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 14/07/2023 04:13

Don't expect men to be open and honest, especially about sex. They lie.

Is fwb all you're really looking for from a guy?

Original poster
Naivetohope · 14/07/2023 04:36

It is I think for the most part, but I expect honesty and respect with that as I am open and honest with them.

I think I've fucked up a lot actually as it seems I may have been blocked on a certain way. Really don't know what's gonna hit me tomorrow!

Several possible options, I'm thinking he's also having a worrying night. What a bloody state of things! Stomach in knots here as don't know what will happen tomorrow. Locking my door just in case I think.

OP posts:
Seddon · 14/07/2023 04:38

Honestly OP, I'd set your standards a bit higher.

To me, 'relationship material' means they're not shagging all over the place. Sure, they might have a few irons in the fire when you first meet (pardon the expression!) but they certainly wouldn't go telling you all about it, and once they start regularly sleeping with one, they stick with one. They're also open enough about their feelings that you don't have to second guess them or stalk them online to figure out what the hell is going on.

Having said that, if you want to attract relationship material you need to BE relationship material yourself, and practise the above.