Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Fwb to more?

60 replies

Naivetohope · 25/05/2023 21:34

Is it possible?

Been seeing a guy for a good while on and off. Met through an online app. Started and is currently officially a fwb arrangement but...I have come to realise lately I maybe want more. I think it's possible he does too, but I don't know for sure and I'm scared to raise the subject in case he doesn't as I don't want to end the current arrangement even if not.

I'm sure there's some of you been in similar situations, what did you do? Did it work out?

Points to consider:

He claims I'm the only person he's shagging but we are both still on the app and so maybe that's not true? He wasn't active on it for ages but I've noticed he's been back on it lately, is he still looking out for other opportunities? Or maybe he's checking if I'm active?

He's made certain comments over last several weeks that could be read as him indicating he's interested in something more? Or at least a definite exclusive arrangement? But that may be wishful thinking on my part?

I do have a tendency to overthink, to imagine the worst.

I'd love to hear from people who've been in a similar situation that managed to ensure a positive outcome?

Oh if only we could be mind readers eh?

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 14/07/2023 04:50

Naivetohope · 13/07/2023 23:15

Am I being awful to screenshot all our messages since we've been seeing each other and his profile on the site? Which shows he's been on recently? I feel like I need to prepare for all eventualities? But I also need to be mindful of my personal safety as he knows where I live. As I said my head is all over place! I'm furious! But also hurt (even though fwb I thought he at least had some respect for me!) also feel sick at having been made into an ow against my wishes or knowledge!

These FWB arrangements are very open to scope-creep and rule breaking. you think you're under control but you honestly aren't, because this bloke has zero loyalty towards you. You don't have shared memories, you don't have trust and you don't have a future. Sorry to put it so bluntly but getting angry about it is just harming your self-esteem, and trying to get your own back with "evidence" is quite frankly delusional.

The best "contract" in a relationship is the exclusivity that each person willingly gives the other. Anything else is open to lies, distortion and shitty behaviour as you've found out.

RantyAnty · 14/07/2023 05:05

You may think that way about them but guys really don't think like that.

It's unpleasant to know, but they see fwb as better than their hand when they're horny or bored.
They're not going to respect anyone who lets them use their body so casually. Yes, it's awful, but that's how they see it.

Original poster

Naivetohope · 14/07/2023 05:14

Wow judgey and misogynistic comments to boot!

I've had fwb arrangements with others before and it's worked well for both parties and I've not found myself in this situation at all. They've been honest with me and the arrangements have ended mainly due to things like one or other person moving home a good distance. We've even stayed in touch as friends in a few instances.

It's come as such a shock because I've known him for so very long. I'm normally good at sizing people up so this has really thrown me!

OP posts:

guineacup · 14/07/2023 05:51

He knows I've been cheated on in the past and would not have chosen to be an ow if I'd known, I've always been very clear about that with him and all my sexual partners.

If you feel he's cheated on you, then it isn't really a FWB arrangement is it - in your head and heart it's a relationship as:

you're friends
you have sex
you expect him only to be intimate with you.

As I wrote before, it feels like you're trying to have your cake and eat it as much as your "partner" here, and this is leading to the whole situation becoming fucked up. If you'd agreed with your "partner" that you wouldn't be exclusive, you can't expect anything from him in terms of faithfulness.

guineacup · 14/07/2023 05:56

The best "contract" in a relationship is the exclusivity that each person willingly gives the other. Anything else is open to lies, distortion and shitty behaviour as you've found out.

But it's not really shitty behaviour on his part. If you want sex without the relationship, then he owes you no loyalty. You reap what you sow.

Original poster

Naivetohope · 14/07/2023 06:40

That's not what I mean. I didn't expect him to be exclusive to me, I expected him not to turn me into an ow! If his relationship were a truly open one with her consent I would have been fine with that. It's the cheating on her I object to. Something I've participated in before with no issues because everyone knew the score.

OP posts:

skypink · 14/07/2023 07:10

guineacup · 14/07/2023 05:51

He knows I've been cheated on in the past and would not have chosen to be an ow if I'd known, I've always been very clear about that with him and all my sexual partners.

If you feel he's cheated on you, then it isn't really a FWB arrangement is it - in your head and heart it's a relationship as:

you're friends
you have sex
you expect him only to be intimate with you.

Have you not read what OP has put?

So many ridiculous comments on this thread.

She doesn't feel cheated on, she is cross that she has unknowingly become the other woman and that he has cheated on his GF, not OP.

OP, he's a dick and you've done nothing wrong.

guineacup · 14/07/2023 08:10

Apologies OP, I didn't read your posts properly. It seems he has clearly broken your trust by doing this, not to mention his partner. At least you didn't end up in a relationship with him only to find him doing this to you in reverse.

Original poster

Naivetohope · 14/07/2023 11:18

Skypink thank you, you seem to get it.

He's acting like everything is normal. Not sure how to act myself. He's just texting at mo I still feel like I need time to think before I do or say anything.

I've taken screenshots proving what I know and our arrangement. I very well may not use these but I wanted to have them just in case.

OP posts:

Original poster

Naivetohope · 14/07/2023 11:19

Guineacup thanks for the apology I appreciate that. Yes I feel for his partner who from what I can tell hasn't even been with him especially long less than 5 years?

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3