Husband obsessed with what I wear

[Taurusseason]

I am at the point of walking out now (not really because of kids).

over the past 3 years my husband has been obsessed with what I wear and telling me what’s inappropriate.

I am under 40 with 3 kids. I have always been into clothes in terms of buying new bits from asos/ people often say I am “glam”. I am not skinny.

Today he tells me it’s inappropriate to wear leggings as it “shows off my body” and he can’t believe I did. I had a day off and wore ribbed leggings with an oversized t shirt which came half way over my bum.

Last summer I remember I wore quite a short Zara non fitted dress but wore shorts underneath just incase. It’s rare I wear short dresses tbh but I really liked this one. He went mad and we had a massive row over it.

Before I go to work he will check what I am wearing, he never controls what I wear but makes comments. I wore a long but figure hugging button up dress a few times and he said it’s not appropriate- girls at work said I looked nice.

I usually wear midi dresses in the week but sometimes I will wear a shorter mid thy dress with black opaque tights. He said married women should wear knee length clothes.

I never have my chest out as I am very self conscious of it having had 3 children.

I wear leggings and a jumper or t shirt if I’m just locally around sorting the kids out. I find fitted bottoms look better as baggy things make me feel like I look bigger as I am not very slim.

I feel like I have had enough of this now.

I don’t respect him because I do as I please!

Did you laugh in his face?

I'm thinking there's a cultural thing going on here?

This is very concerning behaviour. You need to leave him before it gets worse. He sounds controlling. Start planning how you'll leave now.

I am at the point of walking out now (not really because of kids).

It's because of your kids as well as yourself that you should leave.

You don't want them thinking that this is an acceptable way to treat women or for women to be treated!

Definitely this!

OP He is a controlling bastard.
Stand firm.
Do not give in.
Tell him clearly to stop.
If he doesn’t understand and change his behaviour then LTB!

Time to get the mini skirts and boob tubes out 🤣

Perfect response!

This will get worse as he pushes the limits of what you will tolerate.

You need to enforce boundaries (and if he doesn't respect them you need to be prepared to walk away and I'm being serious).

A husband Controlling what his wife wears doesn't just mean telling them that they're not allowed to wear something and physically forcing them to take it off. Controlling what you wear is exactly as you'd described. Making enough comments about it and wearing you down enough, sulking or starting arguments, so that in the end you comply and don't wear those things because you don't want to deal with the comments and the punishment.

What's next?

I could have written this myself. I've been putting up with this and a lot more for nearly 10 years. I literally just do as I'm told and put and shut up for an easy life. I am on the verge of leaving but it's not easy. I have a 4 year DS and I don't want him thinking this is how you treat people.

Please be stronger than me and leave. You'll be absolutely fine and so much happier to wear what you want without anyone's unwanted opinion.

I can only dream of such a life right now.

@Taurusseason 🚩🚩🚩

He is being abusive. In controlling how you choose to present yourself, he is diminishing who you are.

This isn't about respect. Plenty of men have sexy wives and are proud that THEY are the ones who get to be with them.

This is about his own insecurities that you will leave him and he is amping up the abuse in any way he can to keep you tied to him.

Don't accept it. He either loves and accepts you as you are or he loses you.

Don't raise children with someone like this if you can avoid it or he will teach his daughters to be ashamed and his sons to be insecure and controlling. That is NOT a good parent.

Lol

This sounds awful @Taurusseason .

Joining the chorus of how ridiculous this is.

I also suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg. I'll put money on him not liking it when you go out without him - eg an evening with girlfriends or similar? Does he insist on constant calls/messages to know where you are ("for your safety"?)

OP whether you do what he says or not (and I'm glad you don't), by staying with this man your children are being taught that it's right for men to tell women how they are 'allowed' to behave, what they are 'allowed' to wear etc.

Children listen to actions, not words. Even if you were to verbally tell them that he is wrong to act this way, by staying with him you're telling them that it's acceptable.

Do you really want any daughters you have to get into relationships with men who tell them they should wear knee length clothing once married and do as their husband tells them?

Do you really want any sons you have to get into relationships where they make such outdated, misogynistic demands of their partners?

This relationship isn't just controlling and unhealthy for you, it's damaging to your children.

I'd be saying all sorts of fuck offs me. Doors over there mate.

greencardigangirl · Yesterday 22:49
Tell him married women or any woman for that matter can wear whatever she wants to wear”

This and add if you don’t like it you can take a long walk off a short pier, or similar. His response will tell you all you need to know.

@TwistedCherry I'm sorry you're going through that. You have had the strength and clarity to recognise it and to understand the impact on your child, so you can find the strength to leave. You are worth more.

I think this is a huge indicator of a real creep.

He is obsessed with controlling how you look because of what an utter creep he is looking at other women.

It is controlling and abusive.

Ring Women's aid for a chat and start making plans to leave such a creep.

I would worry about him around your daughters, if you have any.

Not normal behaviour.

Really creepy.

This is a dangerous slope it will get worse I’m not surprised you’re fed up. Seriously I’d be thinking of leaving control starts like this.

This! Lol!

He sounds ridiculous

Thank you all, I ignore and I wear what I want hence the conflict. I don’t even think it’s mildly inappropriate what I wear.

He says he has old fashioned views, if I was wearing a crop top and hot pants I could kind of understand but it’s not even. It’s just a shorter loose dress with tights or a tight leggings because they are comfortable!
he is not controlling in other ways but have noticed he is more paranoid about things in recent years when earlier in our relationship he was chilled. I have told him before I think he is having a midlife crisis.

"....Before I go to work he will check what I am wearing, he never controls what I wear but makes comments. ...." Nope. he controls what you wear. every time you put something on you will be thinking of what his view is of it. that right there is controlling behaviour and you should not minimise it. next it will be financial control, then he will stop you going out. start of a very slippery slope imo.

Sorry but that is a massive red flag. He is controlling what you wear and eventually he will grind you and it will not be worth the fight.

Then he will not want your going out meeting friends and eventually will start isolating you from friends and family.

@Yetanothernamechangeagain has it spot on. How dare he? Would make me suspicious that he’s the one looking elsewhere and projecting that on to you

I think maybe he needs to move to the middle east.

You could facilitate that by divorcing him.

Actually, even in the middle east, loads of foreign workers wear vest tops and shorts etc so .... Maybe Saudi. He might be suited to Saudi.

He says he has old fashioned views

That's a big ol' alarm going off with flashing lights.