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Original poster

Husband obsessed with what I wear

81 replies

Taurusseason · 24/05/2023 22:45

I am at the point of walking out now (not really because of kids).

over the past 3 years my husband has been obsessed with what I wear and telling me what’s inappropriate.

I am under 40 with 3 kids. I have always been into clothes in terms of buying new bits from asos/ people often say I am “glam”. I am not skinny.

Today he tells me it’s inappropriate to wear leggings as it “shows off my body” and he can’t believe I did. I had a day off and wore ribbed leggings with an oversized t shirt which came half way over my bum.

Last summer I remember I wore quite a short Zara non fitted dress but wore shorts underneath just incase. It’s rare I wear short dresses tbh but I really liked this one. He went mad and we had a massive row over it.

Before I go to work he will check what I am wearing, he never controls what I wear but makes comments. I wore a long but figure hugging button up dress a few times and he said it’s not appropriate- girls at work said I looked nice.

I usually wear midi dresses in the week but sometimes I will wear a shorter mid thy dress with black opaque tights. He said married women should wear knee length clothes.

I never have my chest out as I am very self conscious of it having had 3 children.

I wear leggings and a jumper or t shirt if I’m just locally around sorting the kids out. I find fitted bottoms look better as baggy things make me feel like I look bigger as I am not very slim.

I feel like I have had enough of this now.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 24/05/2023 23:30

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/05/2023 22:47

He said married women should wear knee length clothes

For that comment alone, he deserves the Dick of the Year award.

Yep.

I would bollock him from a height OP and tell him that you never ever ever want to hear another word from him on this subject. And if he doesn’t like you as you are, he knows where the door is.

Luredbyapomegranate · 24/05/2023 23:34

Taurusseason · 24/05/2023 22:58

That’s what I say but he says I don’t respect him because I do as I please! I feel it shows a mismatch of values between us which is a big issue.

He is accusing you of dressing to attract male attention but you’re the one being disrespectful?!

Yes he appears to be from the 12th century so you are bound to be mismatched. Would he like you in a Chasity belt? Put on a ducking stool??

If he doesn’t respond to being told to fuck off and never talk to you this way again, I think you do have to get shot of him. Because this is the thin end of the wedge.

whattodo87 · 24/05/2023 23:56

Have you ever thought that he is viewing these men by his own standards - in other words how HE views women ?

When I go out with my male friend, we often comment on well dressed women, and men and we always make an effort when we go somewhere nice.

I feel good and confident when I've made an effort with what I wear, and I'd like to think that any decent man would see that rather than the impression it gives to others.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/05/2023 00:01

I bought a new top and some new make up recently. Put them all on not for any reason but just to see how they looked. The top is a little bit figure hugging and sheer and I wasnt sure if I am too old for it. Walked in to DP for his opinion and he looked at me and said "Wow! You look fantastic. Lets go out for a drink so I can show you off!". He is always so proud of me.

Thats how he should react.

OhcantthInkofaname · 25/05/2023 01:01

You said "he does not control what you wear" but he comments and checks on your outfits daily?

FrancescaContini · 25/05/2023 01:03

What?!

verdantverdure · 25/05/2023 01:07

He said married women should wear knee length clothes

Gilead much?

BaiesRosesAmbre · 25/05/2023 01:58

He said married women should wear knee length clothes.

Op you know this is all wrong and controlling. I know you already know that and I’m not surprised you’re fed up with it.

This could get worse as time goes on, he may start to slowly control other areas of your life such as where you go, who you see, what you eat. Maybe he’s already doing that?

you absolutely need to consider leaving this man I’m afraid. He’s abusive.

TacCat49 · 25/05/2023 02:37

So I've been single, married, divorced, single, married, now a widow of 4 months. Is that mormon you are married to suggesting I have different outfits for the different phases of my life?

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 25/05/2023 02:39

That’s dreadful. His attitude stinks.

He’s stuck in the 1950s. Or maybe the 1850s?

Please find your sense of self worth…

Shoxfordian · 25/05/2023 06:05

He’s controlling and his behaviour is abusive; wear what you want and divorce him

GreyCarpet · 25/05/2023 06:09

My exh was a bit like that. It was just one of the many aspects of womaning I got wrong in his eyes. He also tried banning me from going into the local city and drinking beer as things married women shouldn't do.

It didn't work.

It was just one of the many things that eroded the relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/05/2023 07:22

Controlling behaviour like he shows you is abusive behaviour. Your marriage to him is over now primarily because of the abuse he meets out to you. This is no relationship model to be showing your children either.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

redheadcurl · 25/05/2023 07:27

Google coercive behaviour. It will get worse. I am speaking from experience.

Butterfly44 · 25/05/2023 07:30

Never been told what to wear. That's MY decision. I don't tell him what to wear either.
Big red flag imo.

Hop27 · 25/05/2023 07:57

Hill is that way OP

Run.

toomuchlaundry · 25/05/2023 08:07

Does he try to control you in other ways? Do you socialise much with your friends?

Motnight · 25/05/2023 08:11

He is getting you muddled up with staff in uniform.

Campervangirl · 25/05/2023 08:11

I always asked my ex, when we lived together, for his opinion on my outfit as he was always brutally honest which I needed.
I've been known to get it wrong, think mutton dressed as lamb 😁
He would actually cover one eye, have a look, then cover his other eye and have another look, it was a bit of a joke between us.
Your dh is a dick and a half, he's trying to control you and he's jealous.
That must really irritating, it's so disrespectful.
I'd say " when I want your opinion I'll ask for it"
Don't change how you dress op, be strong and be proud

Irequireausername · 25/05/2023 08:21

Yetanothernamechangeagain · 24/05/2023 22:56

Ask him what clothes he thinks divorced women should wear

Love this 😂

greyhairnomore · 25/05/2023 08:27

Controlling prick.
Have you got daughters ? How long before he starts on them ?

Naunet · 25/05/2023 08:31

He’s a misogynistic prick who sees you as second class, his property. It’s a really disgusting attitude.

xxyzz · 25/05/2023 08:44

He seems very jealous. Has he been cheated on before? Did his mum cheat on his dad? Or is he just a bog-standard misogynist?

What does he say if you ask him why it bothers him and where he got the idea that married women all dress like nuns?

The only chance for this relationship to continue is if (small chance) there is a valid reason for his insecurities AND he is willing to do the work to understand this and deal with them.

If he just gets a kick out of controlling women, as seems more likely, then that does not bode well for this being a relationship with a future. Nor would that be a healthy atmosphere to bring up children in. And there's a risk of these controlling behaviours escalating.

I can't imagine my dh saying anything like this, but if he did, I would make it clear his jealousy and weird notions of what married women should wear were his problems not mine - and make it clear that any future comments along those lines would be totally unacceptable.

What's his behaviour like in other ways? Does he do his fair share at home and looking after the kids? Is he supportive of your career and social life? Supportive of your relationships with your family? A good dad? A kind and loving husband? What are his redeeming qualities? Does he have any??!

PoePoePoePoePoe · 25/05/2023 08:49

This is coercive control OP. I would read up on it - there’s a lot of information and advice out there - and I would strongly consider your options. These things don’t often improve sadly. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

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