Page 4 | On disability - moving in with DP or bad idea?

Prettyoverpink · 2023-05-23T14:58:15+00:00

Just after some advice, im on disability and managing financially, however now seriously considering moving in with DP of 12 months as we live in seperate towns and we both feel like it would make life a lot easier. At the moment he stays over a few nights a week but its difficult with his work to keep travelling back and forth plus we would see more of each other if living together. We're both smitten by each other and i know this is the one! Im just worried about losing my money and independence, because he works i will lose my income, but is that a good enough reason to continue this two household backwards and forwards for the rest of our lives?

CalistoNoSolo · 24/05/2023 09:58

After your updates, there are lots of red flags, but from you and not him. You sound overly invested and overly dependant on him and if I was his friend I'd be pointing him in the direction of the hills and handing him his running shoes.

Autumntimeagain · 24/05/2023 10:45

Definitely do NOT move in together after only 1 year !

Definitely do NOT give up your HA home, cos they're incredibly hard to get, and private rentals are not going to be easy due to your health issues etc either, and they offer ZERO security, even with a contract !

You need to do 2 things, and he could do 1.

You get driving lessons and pass your test so that you can take turns driving to his etc (and increase your own independence too !)

You start looking beyond him for your social/company/friendship needs and maybe join a club or 2, or begin doing some new hobbies. It's NEVER a good idea to be so reliant on ONE person for everything...

HE can get a rental closer to you, or indeed a job closer to you, so that the 'commute' would no longer be an issue (but as you see him most of the week anyway, I really think it's up to you to find ways to fill your time when he's not there. (And the 'batchelor pad' vibe he has going could well be the reason why he wants to live with you, so that YOU can provide all the 'home comforts' for him 🤔😬so be VERY careful...

uncomfortablydumb53 · 24/05/2023 11:57

Have you thought about home swap.. moving closer to his area
As I said, I'm in exactly the situation as you, except that ii own my flat
Please do not give up your HA tenancy.. That is secure and this is paramount due to your disability.
If you see each other 4 days a week, I think you need to look into the lonely you say you feel on the other days
Speaking kindly, a partner can't need all your needs and you risk being dependent on him which in turn adds pressure on your relationship.
Take your emotions out of the situation and please consider the practicalities. Write a list of the pros and cons Please.
As I said I'm in an identical situation to you, and I would never consider moving anyone in.
I'm also very content in my own company
I have 3 adult DS's which I see as often as their schedules allow
I am fiercely independent and my one concession is is I now use a rollator aid to go shopping
I'm sorry if my post is long and not what you want to hear.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 24/05/2023 11:59

Just read PP has said exactly the same, but with less typos!

SavvyWavvy · 24/05/2023 14:35

This sounds like a truly terrible idea OP. Everyone else has already identified the reasons why so I won’t repeat them.

I would also be concerned that at the ripe old age of 48 and having regularly worked overseas he is still renting and doesn’t have a mortgage. What is his financial situation? Presumably you have discussed this (given your willingness to give up all of your financial security).

Seeing a partner of 12 months 3-4 times per week is a lot by anyones standards.

Original poster

Prettyoverpink · 24/05/2023 15:01

Sorry a lot to reply to and some of the replies have been deleted by admin? Not sure why or what was said?

Im not exactly sure regarding his financial history, i know he got divorced at some point but i get the impression he doesn't like talking about that stuff so try not to put too much pressure on him. We all have our baggage don't we.

I know it sounds like im pushing him into moving in and being needy, but it really is a joint idea, in fact he suggested it quite early on. Things were very intense right from the beginning, and was definitely what they call soul mates, just knew we were right for each other.

Him moving closer to me would maybe work for me yes, but it'll still mean long drives for him to work and back every day, so not ideal for him. I think ideally would be him moving in with me and i keep my house, in an ideal world as i know im lucky to have a council property, plus i like this house. The only problem then would be his commuting to work from here, and where he'd put all his stuff as my place is quite small. He has a load of music stuff, drum kits etc for starters from when he used to play in a band so really we'd need a bigger place. He's a hoarder whereas im very minimalist and hate clutter and untidiness but we'll cross that bridge when needs be!

OP posts:

PinkFootstool · 24/05/2023 15:08

@Prettyoverpink christ, that sounds even worse. You don't know this man well enough to discuss financial histories? Then you do NOT know him well enough to give up your stable and secure tenancy or to become dependent on him for your entire security.

If you want to act like a 16yo in love for the first time with no care for consequences, you crack right on. The greater majority of people are begging you to see some sense. Because this is a dreadful idea.

FriendsDrinkBook · 24/05/2023 15:10

He won't talk about his past , he hoards...this is sounding worse the more you post. Please consider doing as a pp suggested and wait 12 months before discussing him moving in with you. For both of your sakes please be patient and just enjoy your relationship.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 24/05/2023 15:15

Prettyoverpink · 24/05/2023 15:01

Sorry a lot to reply to and some of the replies have been deleted by admin? Not sure why or what was said?

Im not exactly sure regarding his financial history, i know he got divorced at some point but i get the impression he doesn't like talking about that stuff so try not to put too much pressure on him. We all have our baggage don't we.

I know it sounds like im pushing him into moving in and being needy, but it really is a joint idea, in fact he suggested it quite early on. Things were very intense right from the beginning, and was definitely what they call soul mates, just knew we were right for each other.

Him moving closer to me would maybe work for me yes, but it'll still mean long drives for him to work and back every day, so not ideal for him. I think ideally would be him moving in with me and i keep my house, in an ideal world as i know im lucky to have a council property, plus i like this house. The only problem then would be his commuting to work from here, and where he'd put all his stuff as my place is quite small. He has a load of music stuff, drum kits etc for starters from when he used to play in a band so really we'd need a bigger place. He's a hoarder whereas im very minimalist and hate clutter and untidiness but we'll cross that bridge when needs be!

In the nicest way possible, are you mad?

Do NOT move in with this man.

DontBeStupidYouKnowILoveYou · 24/05/2023 15:22

Im not exactly sure regarding his financial history, i know he got divorced at some point but i get the impression he doesn't like talking about that stuff so try not to put too much pressure on him. We all have our baggage don't we.

If you're going to join your lives together, then important information need to be shared mutually. You don't want to move in blindly.

DontBeStupidYouKnowILoveYou · 24/05/2023 15:23

Also you say him moving closer to you would be difficult because he has to drive to work, yet him moving in with you would be better? Wouldn't it be the same?

Autumntimeagain · 24/05/2023 15:25

Sorry OP but he's got major red flags waving from your update...

He's cagey with giving you any real information about his past, and that's most likely because he knows it will ring alarm bells !

He was immediately very intense right at the beginning ? Very suspect, because you can't be in love with someone you don't bloody know ! (Sounds like classic 'love bombing' and 'future faking' to me I'm afraid)

He actively discourages you from asking questions ? By being evasive and changing the subject etc ? Why ? What is he hiding from you ? Yes, we've all got 'baggage', but hiding the truth from you ? Nah ! In a proper relationship, you're not secretive and evasive. He's got major stuff to hide I'm afraid...

He's a 'hoarder' and you're 'minimalist' ? That never works out well now does it ? So you'd be the one to have to 'accommodate' all his superfluous shit, cos let's face it, you damn well don't need a drum kit if you no longer play in a band, do you ? But he wants you to lose your secure housing, your income, just so he can keep his 'clutter' ? yeah, he's really not thinking about you here is he ?

He could definitely move his job if he wanted to (you know, because he's so devoted/committed to you), but I'll bet he has 'reasons' (excuses) for why that wouldn't work ? (How long is his commute to work from yours anyway ? In miles and time ? )

Have you met his friends/ family/ workmates ? I'd expect to have met them after a year.

I'm so sorry, but this guy has enough 'red flags' to equip a damn navy !

Toddlerteaplease · 24/05/2023 15:29

Couldn't you both live in the same town?

porridgeisbae · 24/05/2023 16:25

I am on the same benefits due to disability OP, and I would only move in with someone if I were very sure of them, and after marriage (that level of commitment does mean a relationship is likely to last / last longer. )

CalistoNoSolo · 24/05/2023 17:18

You're sounding more and more like a teenager either no life experience. But you know, love will conquer all and I'm sure you're made for each other. 🙄

Cheetahmum · 24/05/2023 17:30

DontBeStupidYouKnowILoveYou · 24/05/2023 15:22

Im not exactly sure regarding his financial history, i know he got divorced at some point but i get the impression he doesn't like talking about that stuff so try not to put too much pressure on him. We all have our baggage don't we.

If you're going to join your lives together, then important information need to be shared mutually. You don't want to move in blindly.

Agree with this.

You're going to be totally, financially dependent on him if you move in together so you need to understand finances and be able to discuss them. Is he willing to set up a shared joint account that his wages go into, so you have equal access to money. If not, how will you get access to what you need and not just for bills. What if you need a haircut? A birthday present for a family member, want some new clothes? How will your joint spending and budget work out?.

You cannot go into this not being able to talk about money!

DontBeStupidYouKnowILoveYou · 24/05/2023 17:41

This is the problem many people have. They choose feelings over having important conversations and solid plans, believing they'll sort it out later. Then once moved in, practicalities set in and the 'love' goes out the window.

FriendsDrinkBook · 24/05/2023 17:47

I fear that our words are wasted. The op has already made her choice.

DontBeStupidYouKnowILoveYou · 24/05/2023 17:49

Sadly, I think you're right.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 24/05/2023 17:53

FriendsDrinkBook · 24/05/2023 17:47

I fear that our words are wasted. The op has already made her choice.

Yep, and I'm sure she'll be back again in a few months when it's all gone wrong and she has no money and nowhere to go.