On disability - moving in with DP or bad idea?

[Prettyoverpink]

Just after some advice, im on disability and managing financially, however now seriously considering moving in with DP of 12 months as we live in seperate towns and we both feel like it would make life a lot easier. At the moment he stays over a few nights a week but its difficult with his work to keep travelling back and forth plus we would see more of each other if living together.

We're both smitten by each other and i know this is the one! Im just worried about losing my money and independence, because he works i will lose my income, but is that a good enough reason to continue this two household backwards and forwards for the rest of our lives?

You would be incredibly foolish to do this.

Please use your Brian.

Brain.

I have no idea who Brian is

Being pragmatic, worst case scenario you break up, you could get benefits again, but would you be able to manage without the housing association property? Can you wait a few months and save a little for future rent/bond first just in case? I don't know if that's possible on your income. He might be amazing and the love of your life, he might turn out to be a different person than you believe or it might just not work. I'm not saying don't move in, I'm not saying you can't know someone well after a year, I'm just saying be safe about it, just in case. You can turn out to need that just in case money years down the line, 14 years in my case.

@Sirloinwithlove yes, I agree.

They'd both be foolish to move in together given the current circumstances.

Giving up a HA property is madness. If this relationship ends you could end up homeless. 3/4 nights a week seems fine. Can you not go to his the other days?

It sounds like you're worried he's going to dump you because of the driving and he won't make his place less like a bachelor pad (does this mean pigsty?) for you to visit. So already some warning bells there.

OP hasn't said if he can move closer or not? That's seems to be the solution to her seeing him whenever she wants and still keeping her independence and home.

She seems hell bent on the moving in. You said he's the one who suggested moving in, why? Is he trying to save rent money?

You are bored, lonely, don’t work, reliant on benefits, don’t drive, see your child 2x a year and sit at home all day with very little possibility of that changing given you have chronic health issues.

He is 8 years younger than you with no chronic health issues, he is in full time employment, and entirely independently supports himself, has his own means of transport.

Exactly this OP, I hope that you are not relying on him entirely for your happiness (it sounds like you are as you are unhappy on the days you don't see him). You are putting a huge amount of pressure on him if he is everything you have.....eventually it will be too much for most people.
You would be better off staying where you are and finding hobbies for the days you don't see him, you need a life of your own rather than making this man the centre of your life.

Could you look at a flat swap to the area he lives in.You would be close but have your own place .HA properties are like gold dust now think very carefully about giving it up.Good luck.

£35k is low to support two people? Really?

Taking a relationship to the next step is always a bit of a risk, and so it deserves serious discussion about how that is managed and what happens if the relationship does break down. That said, if a person is to plan their entire life around protecting their own interests and not losing benefits then they aren't ever going to have a relationship, and will never get to the marriage stage.

Having disabilities is no different in this respect than not having them - blending two lives requires thought, discussion and awareness. But if this is what you then both want, go for it.

Why don't you leave it for another year and then re-evaluate things then?

You mention worrying he might find the driving a pain, but really if he does care about you enough that shouldn't be an issue.

You really would be leaving yourself vulnerable if things don't work out, HA properties are like Gold Dust, thousands of people are on waiting lists for them.

If he loves you enough, he'll wait.

OP you sound in a similar situation to my DS and his disabled gf. DS is buying his own house in North of England so not expensive. He earns £40k per year. He gets 25 percent off his council tax. GF rents a house and has a daughter who is just started Uni last year and lives in Halls. She gets help with rent and PIP higher rate care plus higher rate mobility. She pays 75 percent council tax too. ATM they both spend 3 nights at my son's house, 2 nights at gf house and 2 night in own house. They are madly in love and I can see how happy my son is. They considered moving in together to my son's house and he asked me what I thought. I told him it would put his gf in a vulnerable position. If she gave up her house rental and housing benefit to move in together and then they broke up she would be left homeless. My DS said he would not want to put his dgc in that position. I suggested he waits another year as they are then if he is sure she is the one he proposes to her. If they got married he would need to get her added to his mortgage and I warned him if they broke up in the future he would have to go 50/50 with her on his house and pension. I've also told him he'd be a stepdad and would have to give gf DD his second bedroom and they'd pay full council tax but 2 lots of utilities were more expensive than just one so swings and roundabouts. I know he always pay when they go out for a meal or entrance fees as gf does not have much money. I don't think he will mind sharing his money because he wants to share her life. I think you should be cautious and possibly wait another year then if you both feel the same just go for it. Life is for living and being happy

You won't lose any money why would you lose money ?

Why on earth would you consider making yourself financially dependant on another person? This is madness. You are smitten with each but I guarantee this will become so old and cold on edge is paying for everything for you. Best way ever to kill the love. And make yourself so vulnerable. How will you feel when you ague? Fallout? All couples have dresses and strains. You hold on to your autonomy!

Once he not on edge

Stresses not dresses!!!!

Having disabilities is no different in this respect than not having them - blending two lives requires thought, discussion and awareness. But if this is what you then both want, go for it.

I disagree completely.

OP can't work and relies on benefits to support herself. She also currently lives in an HA property where she presumably has a home for life.

Giving that up when you're healthy and work full-time is foolish enough, but giving that up when you have no means to support yourself should the relationship go tits up is just incredibly stupid.

If she moves in with her DP and in six months time, they break up and he kicks her out, where is she going to go and how is she going to support herself when she has no home and can't work?

Absolutely. Although I guess if you live in a cheap area you could do it.

Do not give up your HA home. Try and put in for a swap and move closer to him. Test out the relationship a bit longer and then get him to move in with you , and make it all legit with HA. If things go wrong you've still got a home. Assuming HA rent, even if the overall contribution increases would still prob be lower than privately renting.

This sounds a harsh response but it is all true @Prettyoverpink . I'm surprised that a man who has worked away and abroad doesn't have the savings to buy a property. It's no skin off his nose if it all goes tits up but for you it would be a disaster! I would also be concerned about the age gap as well as your health.

I wouldn't move in until we were married, sounds dramatic but you have a lot more to lose than he does if things do break down. He will still have a steady income, his own property and it'll be you back on the waiting list for a HA property (that might never come) and back jumping through hoops for UC (you can't apply for ESA anymore). At least if you're married there's an additional layer of commitment and presuming things don't go downhill quickly you have entitlements then.

I know it sounds sad as you want to be with him, but sadly in life things don't always work out as planned and you need to consider the worst case to have a back up plan. This isn't restricted to those on benefits either, plenty of similar scenarios where one person has more to lose and should consider their options very carefully.

Im currently in a housing association property,

Don't even think about giving up an HA property. That would be insane.