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Original poster

OLD - Not interested is he?

56 replies

AquaSky · 22/05/2023 22:30

So I matched with a guy on OLD app a week or so ago. Got talking and he suggested meeting, so we arranged a coffee and met last Friday.

It was great! Conversation flowed, lots to talk about. He stayed an hour longer than he planned to. He said at the end of the date he'd text me later, and he did. He said he had a great time and that he hoped I'd had a nice evening.

So the thing is, its now Monday and there have been a few back and forth texts (via the app) but he hasn't suggested going on another date. Despite the fact I go away next week and he knows what days I have off up until then. He's been asking questions and even asked what I had planned on my next day off. I told him what I was doing of the morning (suggesting I was free the rest of that day), but then he carried the conversation on to something else - this would have been the perfect time surely to ask if i'd like to meet later on the day? At the very least i'd have expected a message to suggest meeting either before or after my trip next week.

I think I know the answer really but I did wonder if he doesn't want to come across too full on, as we got talking about our app experiences and I told him I find it offputting when some men get really invested too soon. I did mean, pre first date. But maybe he thinks I meant in general?

He is confident enough to ask me out on the first date, seems level headed (he is late thirties and me mid) so you'd think if he was really interested he would have asked? But have I put him off?

I'm also still texting him via the app despite the fact he sent his number before the first date, I told him I prefer not to swap numbers until I know its going somewhere.

Don't know if its me or him.

OP posts:
acpk55 · 22/05/2023 22:34

What’s stopping you suggesting the next date ?

Cupcakekiller · 22/05/2023 22:37

Just ask him.

Grumpigal · 22/05/2023 22:37

On the one hand I am a big believer of “if they wanted to, they would”

as in, if he was desperate to see you again then he’d just ask.

However it does sound like maybe you’ve given him the impression you’re not that keen - not messaging phone, talking about not wanting men to be too full on etc
Perhaps he is feeling a bit unsure on what you actually want?

If you really want to see him, why haven’t you said? Why does the onus sit with him?

Whilst it’s easy to say if he wanted to see you again he’d just say so, but you haven’t?

Sounds like neither of you are that bothered, or both lack confidence? It’s that make or break stage, speak up or you’ll just end up as a pen pal for when he’s bored

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 22/05/2023 22:42

Grumpigal · 22/05/2023 22:37

On the one hand I am a big believer of “if they wanted to, they would”

as in, if he was desperate to see you again then he’d just ask.

However it does sound like maybe you’ve given him the impression you’re not that keen - not messaging phone, talking about not wanting men to be too full on etc
Perhaps he is feeling a bit unsure on what you actually want?

If you really want to see him, why haven’t you said? Why does the onus sit with him?

Whilst it’s easy to say if he wanted to see you again he’d just say so, but you haven’t?

Sounds like neither of you are that bothered, or both lack confidence? It’s that make or break stage, speak up or you’ll just end up as a pen pal for when he’s bored

This ^

To be honest, I think you may have made it feel like you won’t welcome him showing much interest so soon, so the ball is on your court, he doesn’t know what you find acceptable and is holding back not to be judged too intense.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 22/05/2023 22:43

There is also the possibility that while the conversation flowed and you had a good time he was actually not sufficiently attracted to you.

CuriositysCat · 22/05/2023 22:43

Suggest a next date - what have you got to lose?

Divebar2021 · 22/05/2023 22:44

If he’s not interested wouldn’t you rather know now than spend the next 2 weeks wondering? This requirement to be so passive would drive me bonkers…I would just ask him. If he prevaricates I wouldn’t pursue him but I wouldn’t sit there wondering.

Kiitos · 22/05/2023 22:45

He’s probably not interested enough to ask you out again. And by the same logic, you’re not interested in him either?
Don’t play games. If you want to see him again, at least ask. What’s to lose?

Shivvy120 · 22/05/2023 22:47

I think the next move is up to you based on what you’ve said on your post.
If he didn’t like you / didn’t feel interested after the first date, he wouldn’t still be msg you.
I think you should ask him out on one of your days off! If that doesn’t work just ask him to let you know when he’s next free and put it back in his court!

Lampan · 22/05/2023 22:48

He asked you about your next day off? And you told him what your plans were. I think a lot of men wouldn’t infer from that that you are expecting him to suggest something for the rest of the day.

Livelifelaughter · 22/05/2023 22:53

I had a wonderful date with a guy (not OLD) I was sure he would ask me out again....but I had to make up a silly excuse to see him because he thought I wasn't interested...
Just ask.

Comedycook · 22/05/2023 22:56

I think it sounds like he's waiting to see if you want to meet up again...the question about what you're doing on your next day off sounds like he might have been hinting.

Original poster
AquaSky · 22/05/2023 23:23

Interesting responses. Its just unusual for someone to be messaging me still but not suggesting another date??

From experience, after a first date, the following has happened - neither of us get in touch with each other again OR guy gets in touch same night and says he'd love to meet again sometime and another date gets arranged.

This is in the middle of the two.

OP posts:
MagnoliaDreams · 23/05/2023 07:24

If he weren't interested he wouldn't even bother texting.
He isn't suggesting a date because he doesn't want to be intense like you alluded to in the date. He is doing what he thinks will keep you interested and comfortable based on how you spoke on the date. He listened to you. You will have to ask him out, I'm afraid.

Wombastic · 23/05/2023 07:27

There are plenty of ways to suggest a meet up in a natural way. Just work it into the conversation

barmycatmum · 23/05/2023 07:28

I think saying you find it off-putting when people were too “full on” could easily be interpreted to mean that you want to take things very slowly.

if you want to meet, suggest meeting

Hiddenvoice · 23/05/2023 07:40

I think if he wasn’t interested then he’d politely stop messaging by now. I think he’s asked to see what you’re up to but was maybe leaving it up to you to suggest. If you’re interested then ask him to do something

xfan · 23/05/2023 08:05

Who knows... maybe he finds the whole not swapping numbers "before it's going somewhere" awkward...where is it meant to be going? You do realise that men will say whatever is needed to get sex?

OIDespair · 23/05/2023 08:31

Sorry to say this OP but I suspect at this point he likes you only enough to keep you as an open option while he ticks along other chats too and sees how they go. That, on OLD, is quite common especially when the chats are still on the app. (At this early stage I hope you're doing the same tbh).

Ask him about meeting up again - but if you don't get a straight 'yes' right away - kick him to the kerb and move on. Perhaps this isn't him but there are plenty out there whose egos aren't massaged enough unless they're keeping a number of matches on the go interminably.

DatingDinosaur · 23/05/2023 18:08

“He's been asking questions and even asked what I had planned on my next day off. I told him what I was doing of the morning (suggesting I was free the rest of that day),”

And why didn’t you make the suggestion of meeting up after your commitment in the morning? You sound a bit passive. Are you sure you like him all that much?

Perhaps initially, the effort should be “all on him” but in this modern world of equality that’s a bit outdated don’t you think? You’ve been on a date, enjoyed it, kept in contact, so .. your call. Otherwise he may think you’re just being polite in saying “thanks but no thanks” and he’ll take the hint and back off eventually.

acpk55 · 23/05/2023 18:15

DatingDinosaur · 23/05/2023 18:08

“He's been asking questions and even asked what I had planned on my next day off. I told him what I was doing of the morning (suggesting I was free the rest of that day),”

And why didn’t you make the suggestion of meeting up after your commitment in the morning? You sound a bit passive. Are you sure you like him all that much?

Perhaps initially, the effort should be “all on him” but in this modern world of equality that’s a bit outdated don’t you think? You’ve been on a date, enjoyed it, kept in contact, so .. your call. Otherwise he may think you’re just being polite in saying “thanks but no thanks” and he’ll take the hint and back off eventually.

100% this ^^ , it’s your turn to put some energy in

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/05/2023 19:03

What's the hot hurry?

Honestly sometimes it seems as though people expect to fall in love after the first coffee date.

I would look askance at someone who seemed desperate for another meetup within a few days of our initial conversation. Decent relationships develop gradually.

Livelifelaughter · 23/05/2023 19:08

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/05/2023 19:03

What's the hot hurry?

Honestly sometimes it seems as though people expect to fall in love after the first coffee date.

I would look askance at someone who seemed desperate for another meetup within a few days of our initial conversation. Decent relationships develop gradually.

I agree, but no one likes rejection and that goes for a guy too, so it's not such a hurry to indicate you might like a date or to meet again no ?

Original poster
AquaSky · 23/05/2023 21:04

Update: He messaged me tonight and said he'd been thinking and that he thinks the distance would be too much. (He lives about 50 mins away by car)
He said if it hadn't been for that he would have asked to see me again, but I know an excuse when I hear one. He obviously didn't find me attractive enough, oh well!

OP posts:
crew2022 · 23/05/2023 21:30

Disappointing but at least he's let you know.

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