My dating boundaries need kicking in to touch

[LostMyUserName]

I’m far too concerned with worrying about other people’s feelings and will put my own needs and wants secondary. I am working on this but need help from those of you comfortable saying “I’ve changed my mind”.

I matched with Mr car boot earlier today and I enjoyed our chat. We arranged to meet for coffee later this week. I revisited his profile this afternoon and he seems to have updated it with additional photos. That look very different 😳

Had I have seen the recent photos beforehand, I wouldn’t have matched or agreed to a date. I’m now not looking forward to meeting him and think I should cancel but I’m worried about what to say. Can anyone help me with some phrases I can use in these situations?

Hi Mr Car Boot,

sorry I'm new to online dating and have gotten cold feet about it all. I'm not ready to meet up with anyone yet, all the best finding what you're looking for.

Regards,
Lost my user name

It’s just a date - you don’t owe this man anything, not even a date.
If you’re not feeling it, just say so. You can always say it in a really nice way, I think what the above poster said is perfect to say. You owe him no explanation.

Thank you @intothegreek
I struggle with lying (and telling the truth it seems) but this message is kind.

Spot on @Shivvy120,I know I don't owe him anything but that is a huge leap from where I am.

I asked a friend for advice and she suggested just going along as I might enjoy it!

Unmatch?

intothegreek

gold ⭐️! Perfect

op use this and move on and freeeeee

Intothegreek's response is great but your friend is right, you might enjoy it. Presumably you didn't match only on looks, there were things you had in common?

I think as you're trying to work on being honest, that lying is pointless.

You can be honest without being unkind.

'Hi, I've enjoyed our chat, but I've decided against meeting. Thanks'

Unmatch, block, move on

Yes @SoupDragon the chat is good but I want to meet someone who looks less like my grandad.

PP's cold feet post is perfect. Perhaps also slip in that you wouldn't want to waste his time.

Don't just block and unmatch if you change your mind unless they've said something unpleasant/ intimidating/ inappropriate. It's cowardly and just hiding from having to enforce your boundaries in a civil way. That's the scary bit when you start out so use this as practice.

Unmatch, block, move on

thats a bit mean
a simple sentence is more courteous

its a human being after all

Thanks @egowise

I’m more comfortable with that. Still uncomfortable but it’s relative!

😂

Please don't feel the need to make anything up or to be kind, or to leave any avenues open. "Dear Mr CarBoot. Sorry, but I don't want to meet up after all. Yours LMUN

Thanks @CurlewKate, that’s the tone I’m going for. I know he’ll ask me why I’ve had a change of heart and I don’t want to use the grandad line, funny as it is, as it’s a bit rude. I either need to delete him after I send it or put on even bigger pants to reply with “I’ve changed my mind”.

I had a meeting last week and I was so nervous beforehand. Afterwards I realised there was nothing to be nervous of but I feel in exactly the same position now. My stomach is in knots just thinking about this and having to reply to my ex.

In the nicest possible way, are you sure dating is for you, if you are so stressed about just unmatching someone you have had a tiny bit of interaction with?

People unmatch people all the time. yes he is a human being like people have said but so are you and if you dont want to lie and yuo dont want to tell the truth just unmatch?
Or just say hi, decided not to pursue this, good luck with everything, thanks.
And then unmatch immediately so he cannot ask you for follow up. Dating is like being in a bar, you dont owe anyone anything other than your time if you want to but you can also just walk away without any reason. He will get over it...hes prob chatting to a number of women. Men have no reservation in unmatching.

Personally when I was dating online, I wouldnt give a crap if someone unmatched me id think oh their issue. What I hated was when people sent me a "oh sorry this isnt for me" cause then I would think oh great, its me.

People expect to be unmatched especially if small amount of convo.

I think saying 'I'm not quite ready to date' is a kind way to do this, then unmatch. I've had this line used on me and don't feel insulted!

I agree if it's just been a bit of chat. If they'd seemed promising I'd just think 'oh well, their app must have broken!' In this case though they've made an arrangement to meet so I think she should let him know she's changed her mind.

Maybe I’m not ready to date @callmeblondee but putting myself out there is me ‘feeling the fear and doing it anyway’.

Reading your post reminded me of dating as a teen, a guy approached me and asked me out and I said yes because ai thought he had earned it by asking.

I realise how this may sound to people who have self worth but this illustrates what I’m working with.

He sent me a message earlier saying hi and looking forward to meeting on Thursday.

What is planned for your date ?

It's a first date, so it really should be a very low key, a coffee in a public place kind of thing. What is the worst that could happen?

Are you more afraid of spending an hour chatting to someone or of telling someone you have changed your mind.

Just my guess, but I'm thinking that the hour for coffee is more of a challenge for you. If so, then I commend it to you.

Life is better when you always pick the thing that scares you most.

Don't use the word "sorry" - you have nothing to be sorry for.

So, did the new photos show him to be older? You could just ask him why he added photos to his profile.

Don't worry about crafting the "perfect" rejection email with the hopes of being nice and not making him upset. It's a one-liner - not feeling it, good luck to you.