Page 2 | My dating boundaries need kicking in to touch

LostMyUserName · 2023-05-22T20:23:32+00:00

I’m far too concerned with worrying about other people’s feelings and will put my own needs and wants secondary. I am working on this but need help from those of you comfortable saying “I’ve changed my mind”. I matched with Mr car boot earlier today and I enjoyed our chat. We arranged to meet for coffee later this week. I revisited his profile this afternoon and he seems to have updated it with additional photos. That look very different 😳 Had I have seen the recent photos beforehand, I wouldn’t have matched or agreed to a date. I’m now not looking forward to meeting him and think I should cancel but I’m worried about what to say. Can anyone help me with some phrases I can use in these situations?

Farmageddon · 23/05/2023 16:28

OP if I'm reading this right, his original photos were out of date, implying that he was younger than he is, which is a common tactic for men looking to date younger women.
He probably updated the photos to more accurate ones once he had hooked you in, so you'd actually recognise him if you met up.

If this is the case, he has basically lied by omission and I would have no problem telling him so. Boils my piss the way some men think they are entitled to swindle younger women into dating them. You don't owe this man anything.

heartbroken40 · 23/05/2023 16:34

OP, by giving this man headspace you have less time to find your real match. Just delete the match and move on. Don't worry about his feelings it's OLD and he will be annoyed for five minutes and then will move on.

Original poster

LostMyUserName · 23/05/2023 19:04

FinallyHere · 23/05/2023 15:47

What is planned for your date ?

It's a first date, so it really should be a very low key, a coffee in a public place kind of thing. What is the worst that could happen?

Are you more afraid of spending an hour chatting to someone or of telling someone you have changed your mind.

Just my guess, but I'm thinking that the hour for coffee is more of a challenge for you. If so, then I commend it to you.

Life is better when you always pick the thing that scares you most.

Yes, coffee @FinallyHere. I chose the place. The worst that could happen is I arrive and I find him so deeply unattractive I want to escape. I feel uncomfortable and try to think of a reason to make a quick exit.

In theory, sending a thanks but no thanks message is easier but my palms are sweating just thinking about it.

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FinallyHere · 23/05/2023 19:07

sending a thanks but no thanks message is easier

In my book, that means giving him a chance as a new acquaintance.

Would that help? Don't even consider whether you fancy him as a potential new partner, just notice whether you can enjoy his company and take it from there.

Good luck.

Original poster

LostMyUserName · 23/05/2023 19:08

RememberNancyDrew · 23/05/2023 15:56

Don't use the word "sorry" - you have nothing to be sorry for.

So, did the new photos show him to be older? You could just ask him why he added photos to his profile.

Don't worry about crafting the "perfect" rejection email with the hopes of being nice and not making him upset. It's a one-liner - not feeling it, good luck to you.

Yes the photos show him looking older @Farmageddon. I asked him about it today and the previous photo is ten years old! There was another recent photo on his original profile but just a side view head shot concealing his double chin.

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BounceyB · 23/05/2023 19:12

Do you know how much older than you he is? I would tell him the truth. If a man wants a meaningful relationship he has to be honest and you being honest with him is a starting point.

guineacup · 23/05/2023 19:17

@LostMyUserName

In theory, sending a thanks but no thanks message is easier but my palms are sweating just thinking about it.

If you are to make a success of online dating you need to face your anxiety and do it anyway... If you are unable to say "no" to someone you've chatted to for a few hours, how will you say know if you go on a date and he asks for a 2nd one?

You just need to send it... just do it. Unmatch immediately after, and it's done.
If you're worried about disappointing him, well, you'll disappoint me and the other people who've tried to help you on this thread if you don't. I want to see a message from you within the hour saying you've called your date off! Please don't disappoint me!

Original poster

LostMyUserName · 23/05/2023 19:18

FinallyHere · 23/05/2023 19:07

sending a thanks but no thanks message is easier

In my book, that means giving him a chance as a new acquaintance.

Would that help? Don't even consider whether you fancy him as a potential new partner, just notice whether you can enjoy his company and take it from there.

Good luck.

We’ve messaged quite a bit today @FinallyHere and I like his chat. I’m more inclined to meet him but I’ll decide tomorrow.

Thing is, I don’t want to make any male friends. My current thinking is he could be a really nice man and I need nice in my life. Also, I hate being judged on my appearance so I’ve had to reflect on that a bit.

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Original poster

LostMyUserName · 23/05/2023 19:20

BounceyB · 23/05/2023 19:12

Do you know how much older than you he is? I would tell him the truth. If a man wants a meaningful relationship he has to be honest and you being honest with him is a starting point.

He’s 5 years older than me @BounceyB. But it’s more how old he looks rather than his actual years.

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guineacup · 23/05/2023 19:21

FinallyHere · 23/05/2023 19:07

sending a thanks but no thanks message is easier

In my book, that means giving him a chance as a new acquaintance.

Would that help? Don't even consider whether you fancy him as a potential new partner, just notice whether you can enjoy his company and take it from there.

Good luck.

Not if you unmatch straight after...

Online dating can be brutal... OP, you have to get over this first hurdle otherwise you might as well not bother.

Original poster

LostMyUserName · 23/05/2023 19:21

guineacup · 23/05/2023 19:17

@LostMyUserName

In theory, sending a thanks but no thanks message is easier but my palms are sweating just thinking about it.

If you are to make a success of online dating you need to face your anxiety and do it anyway... If you are unable to say "no" to someone you've chatted to for a few hours, how will you say know if you go on a date and he asks for a 2nd one?

You just need to send it... just do it. Unmatch immediately after, and it's done.
If you're worried about disappointing him, well, you'll disappoint me and the other people who've tried to help you on this thread if you don't. I want to see a message from you within the hour saying you've called your date off! Please don't disappoint me!

My feet got really sweaty reading your message @guineacup!

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guineacup · 23/05/2023 19:23

@LostMyUserName

We’ve messaged quite a bit today @FinallyHere and I like his chat. I’m more inclined to meet him but I’ll decide tomorrow.

I'm afraid you're just being avoidant here. You know you don't want to date this guy romantically, so don't string him along. It's almost guaranteed he's got other "irons in the fire", not that that's relevant.

Original poster

LostMyUserName · 23/05/2023 19:24

guineacup · 23/05/2023 19:21

Not if you unmatch straight after...

Online dating can be brutal... OP, you have to get over this first hurdle otherwise you might as well not bother.

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I know I need to handle this kind of situation, I just find it difficult.

I can do difficult things, I just need to prepare myself.

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guineacup · 23/05/2023 19:25

My feet got really sweaty reading your message @guineacup!

Well, if you want to anxiety and sweats to stop, you need to message him and call it off. You won't feel any better tomorrow - your anxiety will still be there!

Please, for your own sanity and future happiness, bite this bullet.

guineacup · 23/05/2023 19:28

@LostMyUserName

I can do difficult things, I just need to prepare myself.

Ok, understood... I'll be back in an hour - that's more than enough prep time - I'll expect a message from you saying you've called it off. Please don't disappoint!

PS I know I'm being blunt, and I've experienced lots of anxiety dating myself with these kind of things... online and real life. Biting the bullet is the only way!

Hearmeout · 23/05/2023 19:30

I think honesty is really important.

Hi, I'm still up for meeting tomorrow but I'll be honest and say that the fact you didnt upload recent photo's at the beginning has thrown me a bit , I do like our chats but this might be 'just friends' at this point. If that's an issue I understand.

or

I'll be honest, I have liked chatting to you, but the fact you didn't upload recent photo's to start with has thrown me a bit and so with that in mind, I'm not really up for meeting up in person in the same way I was to start with. I do wish you the best though, as you seem to be a nice person.

Original poster

LostMyUserName · 23/05/2023 19:33

guineacup · 23/05/2023 19:23

@LostMyUserName

We’ve messaged quite a bit today @FinallyHere and I like his chat. I’m more inclined to meet him but I’ll decide tomorrow.

I'm afraid you're just being avoidant here. You know you don't want to date this guy romantically, so don't string him along. It's almost guaranteed he's got other "irons in the fire", not that that's relevant.

I agree it sounds avoidant, thing is I’m warming to him and wondering if I should be less hasty.

being avoidant is not responding to my ex

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guineacup · 23/05/2023 19:39

I agree it sounds avoidant, thing is I’m warming to him and wondering if I should be less hasty.

Ok, only you really know... As long as you're confident you're not kidding yourself.

BounceyB · 23/05/2023 19:58

LostMyUserName · 23/05/2023 19:20

He’s 5 years older than me @BounceyB. But it’s more how old he looks rather than his actual years.

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Still important to be honest with him. If he really hasn't looked after himself, I think it's fair to say that you enjoy looking after your health and the benefits it brings and you want someone like minded. I said this a few times to men that were 40 going on 100. If it's purely that he's ugly then I can't help but I feel it's always good to be specific about what the problem is.

Original poster

LostMyUserName · 23/05/2023 20:04

guineacup · 23/05/2023 19:39

I agree it sounds avoidant, thing is I’m warming to him and wondering if I should be less hasty.

Ok, only you really know... As long as you're confident you're not kidding yourself.

I'm not confident I'm not kidding myself @guineacup. I need a great deal more self esteem but if I wait for that, I'll grow old alone.

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concernedalot · 23/05/2023 20:07

I would just unmatch. As a previous poster put he's reeled you in with the initial photo/s and then added the others after you'd agreed to the date, hoping that you'd be too polite to say no and cancel it. And it's worked! He's misrepresented himself deliberately, it's a common tactic of these guys online. It's already sent you into a headspin and you haven't even taken it offline yet. And of course he's going to be lovely with his chat, he wants you to go ahead with the date! seriously give this one a miss OP. You have to be pretty savvy with online dating and lets face it, you don't really fancy him anyway. Find someone who excites you and good luck.

Userengage · 23/05/2023 20:08

He’s probably more than 5 years older than you - men (and women) lie on their profiles all the time.

A PP is making it seem that you owe him a date, a pity date. Believe me, if you uploaded some photos where you looked older you’d be lucky if he even turned up for the date let alone let you know he was no longer coming.

You no longer find him attractive so just type “I’ve changed my mind about the meet, wishing you luck” and unmatch. You don’t even have to say it out loud to him - just text. What is the worst that can happen?

Original poster

LostMyUserName · 23/05/2023 20:10

BounceyB · 23/05/2023 19:58

Still important to be honest with him. If he really hasn't looked after himself, I think it's fair to say that you enjoy looking after your health and the benefits it brings and you want someone like minded. I said this a few times to men that were 40 going on 100. If it's purely that he's ugly then I can't help but I feel it's always good to be specific about what the problem is.

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He's not ugly @BounceyB but he wouldn't turn my head.

Maybe that's where I've been going wrong though.

I'm a rescuer, I feel sorry for people and put their needs before my own. Since owning that, Ive started to step back when I get rumblings of sympathy. He doesn't need rescuing (from what I currently know) so I'm starting on a better footing than in my previous relationships.

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Farmageddon · 23/05/2023 20:10

BounceyB · 23/05/2023 19:58

Still important to be honest with him. If he really hasn't looked after himself, I think it's fair to say that you enjoy looking after your health and the benefits it brings and you want someone like minded. I said this a few times to men that were 40 going on 100. If it's purely that he's ugly then I can't help but I feel it's always good to be specific about what the problem is.

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I disagree. He hasn't been honest with the OP has he? Showing pictures that were 10 years out of date is lying by omission, it's sneaky. Men seem to do this crap all the time. They play on the fact that women are socialised to ignore our discomfort and 'be kind'.

OP you owe him nothing, if you are struggling with messaging him can you ask a friend to do it for you and then block him or something. You really don't need to be spending so much energy on a guy who has basically lied from the start. You have done nothing wrong here, he has misled you.

And it's not that you are being mean in judging his appearance - you just aren't attracted to him. That's perfectly fine, if he has used proper photos in the first instance he wouldn't have wasted your time.

Original poster

LostMyUserName · 23/05/2023 20:26

@Farmageddon I asked him about the photo, I have no way of knowing whether his response is truthful or not.

I'm going to keep it at the back of my.mind and if I meet him and learn more about him, I'll have a bit more context to work out his intent.

I did feel slightly 'missold' when I saw his more recent photo but I've decided to assume good faith at this stage.

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