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Original poster

Partner resents that I lost my business

54 replies

Anamorph · 22/05/2023 15:55

Well, the title says it.

I lost my business and went from being well off to in bad debt.

Combination of three factors led to this.

First one was the pandemic which catastrophically damaged the business. I trued my best but the lock downs were savage and I didn't get government support.

Second one was my partner had an affair and cut a long story short I had a full nervous breakdown from it all.

Third one was that I have quite bad long covid, which caused chronic fatigue and memory loss and so on.

I won't list life stressors. They've been enormous and relentless. My partner hasn't been helpful. All he does is moan about how it all affects him.

Honestly just the worst few years ever and I got to a point I barely want to be awake, but I do my best to look after everyone.

Our income halved though. And he does nothing but complain about it and make me feel guilty.

I dunno why I am posting really. I just feel alone and like my life is screwed up.

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 22/05/2023 15:58

Well the one thing you can control is your relationship with him. Dump him and you will feel 33% better immediately. How can he have an affair and expect you to behave normally?

Gettingbysomehow · 22/05/2023 16:00

YOU feel guilty????? The only person who should feel guilty is that twat.

Original poster
Anamorph · 22/05/2023 16:06

If I say his behaviour led to me not being well enough to cope, he just starts shouting about why is everything his fault. I don't really understand why he doesn't see that it is. Sometimes he cries and says he wishes he had a time machine to go back and undo it, but he doesn't give empathy really.

OP posts:
Sirloinwithlove · 22/05/2023 16:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

lakesummer · 22/05/2023 16:08

Why are you staying together?
What do you get out of your relationship? Neither of you seem very content.

Original poster
Anamorph · 22/05/2023 16:09

Affair or not, if your partner goes through extreme trauma or gets sick - you're not supposed to be angry at them for not being able to work. Are you? Aren't you just supposed to help them? He was just complaining about subsidising everyone and how he couldn't afford a holiday etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Anamorph · 22/05/2023 16:13

Grown up kids. I dunno why I stayed. Now I'm penniless and would be homeless. And I don't feel well. Everything is a struggle.

I did leave briefly and he cried and begged and promised we'd be a team and he'd stop being mean and angry and I didn't have any money so I just came home.

Within 48 hours he was back to it.

I really don't have any idea where to go.

OP posts:
lakesummer · 22/05/2023 16:16

You can't control what your DP says or does only what you do, it is trite but also true.

Are you renting? Does your DP own the house? It sounds as though you aren't married.

Could your grown up children help you get on your feet by yourself?

Original poster
Anamorph · 22/05/2023 16:17

To answer: our relationship was great before his affair. I'd hoped we could work it out, but all of it sucked the joy out of me. The pain was beyond my capacity. He was sorry and did a lot of apologising and begging but I think he wasnt capable of the healing part. He just felt upset we weren't "old us" anymore. We probably both wanted that but it never happened. Now we sort of live like ghosts really. By the way if you're reading this and thinking of having an affair: don't. It'll cause destruction you probably can't comprehend

OP posts:
Original poster
Anamorph · 22/05/2023 16:19

Kids are both in university.

We rent.

We had saved to buy, but half that went digging me out of debt, which he's secretly seething about.

OP posts:
Sirloinwithlove · 22/05/2023 16:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Orangesandlemons77 · 22/05/2023 16:22

So what is stopping you cutting your losses and finishing with him? Do you have family you could go to temporarily perhaps

potniatheron · 22/05/2023 16:25

@Anamorph firstly I am so, so sorry you lost your business. Covid lockdowns were brutal on small businesses and whilst there was plenty of Govt support for SMEs (in fact enough that the taxpayer lost £billions to fraudulent claims) there was next to nothing for sole traders and mom&pop microbusinesses. Many of which went to the wall. I cannot imagine how terrible it would be to see your life's work go up in smoke like that...and then to discover that your partner is having an affair. That would destroy a lot of people and I think you need to give yourself some recognition in that you are still here and halfway sane. You must be a very strong woman.

That being said, I think you need to focus on getting yourself as mentally well as possible before you make any long term decisions about your future with your partner. as it sounds as though you are still reeling a bit fragile.

You are clearly a very strong and resourceful person so I have no doubt that you will pick yourself up, build your life back up again and in a few years you'll look back and realise how far you've come. But for the moment I would really just focus on getting yourself stronger, before you make any major life decisions.

Original poster
Anamorph · 22/05/2023 16:29

Thank you. I honestly don't think a single person has expressed any empathy at all for losing a business I loved and built through so much hard work. I feel a lot of grief.

OP posts:
tailinthejam · 22/05/2023 16:31

Anamorph · 22/05/2023 16:09

Affair or not, if your partner goes through extreme trauma or gets sick - you're not supposed to be angry at them for not being able to work. Are you? Aren't you just supposed to help them? He was just complaining about subsidising everyone and how he couldn't afford a holiday etc

No you're not supposed to be angry with your partner for being ill or losing their business during the pandemic.

You're not supposed to go round shagging other people either.

He's blaming you to deflect any kind of blame away from him for being unfaithful. The bastard.

RemainAtHome · 22/05/2023 16:33

@Anamorph i have ME and a marriage that isn’t great.

Pleas, look at what benefits you can get. ESA, PIP. If you still have paid some NI as self employed, you might well get contribution based ESA.

Why is it important? Because it means you are not penniless anymore. It’s not a huge amount if money but it is SOMETHING.
And it is amazing how knowing you have a bit of money behind you affects how you feel about yourself and your ability to hold boundaries.

From then you will be able to decide whether it’s worth staying or not.
But not on the grounds of ‘I’ll have no5ing and won’t be able to feed myself’ type of position.

potniatheron · 22/05/2023 16:35

Anamorph · 22/05/2023 16:29

Thank you. I honestly don't think a single person has expressed any empathy at all for losing a business I loved and built through so much hard work. I feel a lot of grief.

Of course you do, it is a bereavement of sorts. My job means I come into contact with SMEs and microbusinesses. I know that business owners give literally everything they have to their businesses, financially, mentally, physically, emotionally. Some PAYE folk don't understand this as they were by and large protected by the furlough scheme. So yes you've suffered a huge loss and blow to your self esteem. And then to discover the affair. I'm really impressed that you're still standing tbh. You must be a very resilient person. Mind you most small business owners I've met are extremely resilient.

RemainAtHome · 22/05/2023 16:36

Anamorph · 22/05/2023 16:29

Thank you. I honestly don't think a single person has expressed any empathy at all for losing a business I loved and built through so much hard work. I feel a lot of grief.

I’m so sorry about your business too.

When I got worse with ME, I lost my business too. The grief is awful. Like a part of you is taken away. Like you aren’t you anymore.
it’s been 3 years now and I still haven’t really come to terms with it.

Your dh is a twat. He has no empathy. Is only concerned about himself and now that the shit has hit the fan, he is showing his true colours. I’m so sorry you have to deal with all if those all at the same time.

Sirloinwithlove · 22/05/2023 16:37

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

RemainAtHome · 22/05/2023 16:39

As an aside, you are mentioning LC and chronic fatigue.

I don’t know if you are aware about it but about half of people with LC develop ME.
The NICE guidelines for ME is all about pacing and never going out of your energy envelope. Now I know it’s hard, but I’d encourage you to not take on too much and to not do too much (to compensate, because you are feeling guilty etc….) because you will only make yourself even more ill.

((Hugs)) it’s a crap illness.

Spriggedcotton88 · 22/05/2023 16:46

Oh op this sounds so awful. At the time when you needed his support the most, he completely let you down.

This man is having such a demoralising effect on you every day. I know you can’t afford to leave now but can you start taking small steps every single day to build yourself and your finances up with a view to leaving?

First I would get some legal advice. If he is shouting every day then he is abusing you. Could you get some help from a local women’s centre?

Are they his dc? Do you have any family who could support you temporarily?

How is your health now? Are you well enough to work? If not, are you claiming what you are entitled to claim?

Please try and cut yourself off emotionally from your partner and put any energy you have in to getting back on your feet. Be selfish. You will have learned things from
having had a business and lost it and you can put that experience to good use.

This sounds cruel but hold your head up high and don’t look to him for emotional support any more. He has shown you who he is and he keeps showing you every day when he shouts and moans. OK so you may be broke but you still have huge worth as a person. Please don’t let him beat you down any longer.

Original poster
Anamorph · 22/05/2023 17:05

I've not talked to friends for ages. I just got very down and isolated myself. I've just started opening up a bit to my Mum the last few days.

To be honest it's just felt like a blur. I was so physically unwell, and kept thinking I could save the business but then everything was just so awful all at once I sort of switched off.

I don't think I have ME. I just get sick a lot. Like my immune system is broken. Every cold winds up in pneumonia. I struggle to remember pretty basic things. A lot of days I just paint on a smile to look after everyone else.

I don't feel like me at all anymore. I was happy and pretty and successful and loved my job and had a great family and now it's just a nightmare.

I get that I'm probably seriously depressed because I don't feel like I have any ability to do anything, but I dont feel able to help myself.

Partner keeps saying I need help but doesn't actually do anything except get cross and then apologise. He's been in here grovelling just now and I just feel numb.

Thanks for all the very good, practical advice. These things are, I suppose, easier when you're not in a state.

The kids are just mime. So leaving effectively makes them homeless too I guess. If not for them, to be honest, I'd just get on a bus to nowhere and sleep under a bridge.

I have to make sure they have a home and financial support though.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 22/05/2023 17:12

Gosh OP, it sounds like you've had a couple of years from hell.

So your partner had it all and then decided he wanted more. That is his fault, pure and simple. He needs to stop whining and own that. Rather than complaining, perhaps he could get off his bottom and earn more himself.

At the same time you need to decide whether you want to stay or whether you would be happier and more able to bounce back, on your own.
At least your dcs aren't around to witness all this. I think you need to take some time to decide what you want and how to get there. Your partner ceased to have any say when he betrayed you. You don't owe him anything.

porridgeisbae · 22/05/2023 17:23

So his actions were part of why you lost your business and now he's moaning about you losing it!

He's awful OP, please separate from him.

You can do it xx

Orangesandlemons77 · 22/05/2023 17:29

OP get the GP to check stuff like your iron levels (ferretin) folate and B12. I was like you (well still am) and was getting things like Shingles and had low iron.

I'm taking some now and feel a little better but it will take time. I'm sorry you have been through such a tough time.

My DH can be a bit like your partner with the anger and blaming at times. I have some illnesses and he struggles with that and me not working and being on ESA / PIP.

Usually he is OK but sometimes after a few drinks he can be like that and apologises afterwards.

So I do understand what you mean.

What is yours like at other times? Is it usual for him to be like this. Or is he otherwise supportive. Not excusing it but just wondered, is this normal for him?