Partner resents that I lost my business

[Anamorph]

Well, the title says it.

I lost my business and went from being well off to in bad debt.

Combination of three factors led to this.

First one was the pandemic which catastrophically damaged the business. I trued my best but the lock downs were savage and I didn't get government support.

Second one was my partner had an affair and cut a long story short I had a full nervous breakdown from it all.

Third one was that I have quite bad long covid, which caused chronic fatigue and memory loss and so on.

I won't list life stressors. They've been enormous and relentless. My partner hasn't been helpful. All he does is moan about how it all affects him.

Honestly just the worst few years ever and I got to a point I barely want to be awake, but I do my best to look after everyone.

Our income halved though. And he does nothing but complain about it and make me feel guilty.

I dunno why I am posting really. I just feel alone and like my life is screwed up.

Op, first off deal with your mental health this is a priority, not rushing out and trying to live alone and making massive life changes on top of it.. See your gp; no one needs to live with untreated depression .

once this is done, what about your physical health? Can you build up your immune system, what steps have you taken and what has your doctor said?

once you start to recover. Then you can consider massive life changes. Like ending your relationship, moving on. The first thing is to deal with your mental and physical health

Having read your update op, this ^^ is very good advice.

You can’t really address anything properly until you feel less depressed. Have you tried some ADs? Asked for some talking therapy? I know it’s not easy to see a GO nowadays but I would start there. Get a complete blood test and rule out anything physical first.

GP not GO!

@Anamorph I totally understand how you feel- we once lost a business through being 'royally shat on' by a co partner and it felt like nothing I can explain after the sweat that went into it to get it to a certain level. Your partner is clearly a bit of a fair weather partner and he knows full well why there can be no 'old us' - my H is well aware of the same with us for similar reasons- so he is simply turning his frustration on you rather than himself

You need to dump him! You don't need to give him any reason, Just that you want to be by yourself. Do not take him back - he is obviously controlling you. This is why you feel guilty when actually he is the guilty person!

Like most situations like this: no, he's not awful all the time. A lot of the time he's supportive. He's generally kind. He's generally very loving.

It just feels like basically he contributed heavily to me losing the plot and can't stand the guilt and consequences so he takes it out on me.

I'm understating. Honestly, I believe if I'd not had to cope with his affair, I'd be okay right now. I feel like his affair caused me such anguish that I couldn't cope with other things.

I don't resent him for it. But I do resent him for being angry with me for the consequences.

I know I should get help for depression. I just don’t feel able to. I feel to tired. Too numb. Too hopeless. I've got all sorts of crap to sort out, with winding up the business. Dealing with a few angry creditors. I feel like if I could just have a bit of safety and stability I'd be able to do it. But nost days he wakes up in a black mood, moaning and complaining and telling me he can't take the stress and he's miserable and genuinely ny mind just freezes. I can't do anything. I just freeze. Then after he's started a fight (and genuinely he starts them), he tells me I've caused drama or why can't I give him peace and quiet. I've started to feel like I should video it because he's messing with my head. Im literally being nice and he's snapping at me and being horrible and telling me it's ne doing it. And I know it's not.

I'm sorry to hear that, it all sounds so stressful.

Fucking leave him. You can rest and start again. What a cunt.

I’m sorry your partner has shown you so little empathy. Like other posters have said, you sound like a resilient person and you have had to deal with so much. If dealing with depression feels like too much at the moment, at least get your blood checked for any vitamin or mineral deficiency.

It's hard to see how you can get to a better place around someone who behaves like that. If he recognises his behaviour is wrong what steps is he taking to stop doing it? If the answer to that is 'none' then it is quite tricky to see how you can start to mend - he knocks you back down every morning!

OP you must seek some help for yourself. Please do it - do it for us and for your children, if you are too squished inside ro do it for yourstwlf yet. You probably need both physical and psychological help - by the latter, I mean at least someone to talk to regularly who will help you shut out the horrible destructive din coming out of your partner's mouth, so you can start to work on thinking through your way forward

Op, you've taken a huge first step posting on here. You are suffering hugely as a result of some external events - events you did not cause. Your suffering is a normal and reasonable response to those events. I hear your practical worries about your home, children, finances etc.

You can't deal with anything feeling the way you do right now, who could? You need some help so you can think straight.

So today. Step 1. Call your GP. Even if you're on hold for hours, even if they can't see you for three weeks. Call your GP, put aside any shame or embarrassment and tell the receptionist exactly how you feel. You can make this call and you can get an appointment.

How does that sound?

Firstly you are so unbelievably strong, to cope with what you have through the last three years you are an incredible person.

Now, time you stopped propping everyone else up as you can’t help others while you haven’t been looking after yourself. Can you stay with your mum for a month? Can the children’s dad help? A stay away from your husband and grief I think will just give you the head space to process what is happening and what has happened and for your brain to make sense of things. Start there with quiet and space, the rest you’ll sort one day at a time. X

You cant recover, physically or mentally whilst you are still in this relationship.
He is draining you.
Please see your GP .

a lot of well-prospering businesses have failed during the lockdowns, and no amount of hard work and dedication could have saved them if they relied on direct contact with customers, but were not deemed to be "essential" by whoever was making the rules at the given week

I genuinely feel for you as it must be awful to lose something you've put so much heart and hard work into

your partner however...f that guy. You've said your relationship was fine before his affair - if it was, the affair would not have happened. He clearly didn't see the value in it. He cheated on you, broke your heart, ruined your health and now has the audacity to blame you for something you have no control over.

You said you "know you should get help for your depression" but there is nothing anyone can do whilst your main stressor is next to you. No drugs or therapy will "fix" the fact that your partner is a cheating, selfish hypocrite.

Op, having read your update, you need to set some boundaries. A boundary is about what you, and you alone, can tolerate. Onefootinthegrave is quite right. You need to distance yourself from your partner and focus on yourself.

Tell him that you still have the business to wind up and you need to focus on your own mh. He needs to step up and support you or get the hell out.

He really isn’t being kind is he by dumping his misery and stress on you every morning, especially when he caused a considerable part of it. That is not the action of a kind man. Please protect yourself.

Thanks everybody. I see people are saying I strong to have coped, but it feels like I actually haven't copied- which is the point.

Yesterday when he started at me I said "I've had a nervous breakdown" and he sneered at me "oh and what if we ALL decided to have one? Who'd be paying for everyone then?" 😞

He does dump his misery on me every morning. He does say sorry and cries and begs, but no: He does nothing to change things.

I can see he doesn't like all the consequences of his actions. He keeps complaining about how we lost intimacy and he wants old us again. But again he doesn't do anything.

WWe're oth miserable I suppose. I can't really remember how it felt to not be sad or scared.

even reading this makes me want to slap your partner - what a nasty twat! You should at the very least stop him from complaining and mock him the same way he mocks you

My Mum told me to just ignore him. So I did. Slept on the sofa. Then ignored him all day with one word answers. Then I went out when I knew he'd be home from work. I told him I was out walking.

I came back from my walk and he ran outside sweating and crying and hugging and kissing me. I mean, I was gone 45 minutes and he was obviously panicking about my safety, so he must know how down I am. So I don't really get why he doesn't just put a lid on it.

I've messaged the kids but they're happy and busy, which is great, I miss them though. I know I'm rambling rubbish.

I know life isn't really meant to feel like this but I'm 45 so I don't feel like I've got my youth left really. Or maybe I just feel old.

I don't know where to start with climbing the mountain to feeling better. Maybe it's getting help with depression. I dont really want pills though. I just want to sort everything out.

Mum says to focus on me and to be hard on him and just say I'm not listening to his complaints anymore and to just get on with myself.

So he’s one of those rancid fuckers who shits on the carpet then complains about the smell? I’m so sorry all this has happened op and I’m not surprised you are feeling overwhelmed. You need to grey rock this twat. Remove any emotion from your responses and just concentrate on doing the things you have to do, even if that’s one thing every day. Make an appointment with your gp. To be fair, they are likes hens teeth so it probably won’t be for a few weeks, so you will have time to work up to it. I know psychotherapy is expensive, but if there is any way at all you can scrape together the money, I would do that. You have suffered some massive traumas and you need to talk this through with a professional. I know it doesn’t feel like it but 45 is no age. You’ve had a successful business before and you can have one again if that’s what you want. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, do one thing every day for you and ignore this god awful twat that you live with. The poor little mite doesn’t like the consequences of his actions? Well isn’t that just tough shit!! He really should have thought of that before he became just another sad loser with a wandering dick. And I can well believe your relationship was fine before this. Often, affairs are nothing to do with any “lack” in the relationship, they are a “lack” in the individual - a lack of loyalty, integrity and honesty. A selfish need to bolster a flagging ego. But that’s on him, not you. You will get through this op, one step at a time xxx

His behaviour is awful and yes you need to leave. If the children are at uni they will not be made homeless. They can rent like most students. They can see the uni for advice when you leave and become homeless.

both if you need counselling. Obviously not together.

why wont you have medical treatment for your depression? I dont understand why take that stance.

The last few years sound to have been incredibly hard for you and I'm sorry to hear that.

Your partner's attitude (and behaviour) is and has been completely unreasonable. How dare he complain about a reduced standard of living after having an affair which contributed to it? You deserve much better than this.

You've had to deal with so much loss already and it sounds like your partner is either unwilling or unable to take responsibility for his actions and make the necessary changes. Instead it's all about him and how he's been affected.

You sound like someone who's brave and resourceful. I hope you're able to move on and rebuild a good life for yourself. You deserve to be surrounded by people who love and support you. I wish you all the best.