Am I a controlling husband?

[CaringLoving]

Am I a controlling husband

Help me out?
Am I a controlling husband? Or am I going crazy….

I met a gal. My first and I hope my last relationship. She has a past colourful sexual experience and about past three serious relationships, but the last two of those were abusive and she had to run away.

Step in me. Met her and decided to marry her, I knew part of the past before I tied the knot, some of it I knew after we were together.

Main issue for me is how she relate to other guys. I have female friends and got no problem with her having guys friends but it always seems like she picks the wrong friends.

First friend early on in our relationship. He helped both of us. Last day of them working together, she told me he was being “weird with her…” she maintained friendship until I told her that he had been going around saying things about her. She stopped talking to him ( but only because he talked to much from my observations).

2nd friend it’s her ex. While preparing for our wedding, they made a secret emotional call, saying their goodbyes because their past wishes that they would reunite were no longer possible. She has since stopped talking to him after arguments.

3rd friend. A guy she has never met. Several years before we met they used to have what you might call “internet sex…” involving writing erotic stuff to each other. Relationship had changed but they had occasional jokes that are on the borderline inappropriate even after our wedding.

4th friend. Is a guy from her new work place. She works from home but goes to office once a month and that guy sometimes gives her a lift. Just before we got married, she told me a story about him. He has children from first relationship, one day he ran away with the kids after the end of his “father visits”instead of leaving him at school. He got into trouble and then lost visitation rights. He blamed social services, the doctor and police for been corrupt. I expressed my doubt of the version of his story and my wife “angrily” rebuked me for lacking empathy.

Lastly, during family times when my mom and sister are present. She becomes a free woman (which is good probably because she feels accepted by my family..) instead of spending time with other women, she would rather spend time with other men been “amazed…” on how great they are. there is little chemistry and interactions between us which I think others notice. She’s thinks am controlling and I worry too much.

I can't tell from your post whether you're controlling or not. What I can tell is that your wife seems to enjoy trying to make you jealous. Either that, or she gets an ego boost from close-to-the-line flirting with other men. Maybe both.

This doesn't sound like a rewarding relationship.

She definitely enjoys close to the line flirting and she sees it as been “friendly..”

am against it because I feel like it’s unhelpful if you are trying to build a long term committed relationship. Instead of flirting with me, I get treated like a child while she flirts with other men…. If she is not having best conversations and best jokes with me, it’s like why is she with me?

I don’t think she wants to cheat or even leave, but I feel like it’s playing with fire and one day, she will burn everything we got.

I imagined a marriage whereby we would literally run to each other, fall asleep together and kiss each other every morning we wake up.

My wife is not into “habits.” like ensuring we say kind words to each other even though we are upset, kissing every morning when we wake up or whoever wakes up first, making the other person coffee, ensuring we don’t go to bed angry before resolving matters etc

I find it weird, that she would wake up and go to work without even kissing me goodbye, or that she can start her day without saying good morning..

When I do these things, she tends to complain about me, “just doing it for the sake of doing it without actually meaning it…”

I feel like my wife wants me to be there, but does not want me. If am away from home, with work, she is really anxious and wants me back as soon as possible. She wants the safety on knowing am there for her but when am next to her she does not know how to show affection. She does many things perfect, she does the majority of work at home (partly because she works from home,) but we work as a team and I always help out. Most days, she cooks and I wash dishes and clean up afterwards.

Another aspect of my wifes life is that she doesn’t like cuddles at all. With the exception of a few days a month when her body is craving intimacy. For my wife to sleep, she has to watch a Netflix comedy which I understand and accept this is like a “condition for her..” she struggles to fall asleep without the visuals, light and noise of tv. I just find it frustrating that I don’t get to fall asleep with my lover cuddled up. Even though on many occasions she has grown to allow me to have cuddles. It I just have a feeling that this is something that she does not like, making me feel unwanted.

with the

first friend - I already felt that something had changed and there was something off about their relationship. I didn’t challenge her. So when she later told me he made a move on her and wanted sexual favours despite him knowing I was with her, I was not surprised. I could see that coming…

second friend - cheating ex whom was her past true love.

third friend - seemed like a reasonable guy but I was bewildered by how freely she made inappropriate comments after our wedding. To paraphrase, he messaged her to tell her that since she has reconnected with him, maybe she should just let me know so that they are no misunderstandings, as long as their intentions are good, their friendship can continue. To which she replied, “I won’t have bad thoughts, unless you put them inside my head..”

fourth guy - guy from work. He just fit the narrative of her past male relationships. She had a go at me because I was not sympathetic to him about him running away with his kids instead of letting them go to school as agreed with his mum. It just feels like her emotional energy goes to feeling sorry for “bad guys…” instead of investing it into your relationship

Maybe she’s not a touchy feely person and you are.

How many years have you known her? How many years have you been married? When was her 1st 2nd 3rd 4th male friendship? Are these recent relationships which you are stifling to come to terms with? If these are not recent, it’s a bit bizarre/controlling banging on about them.

I was ready to say you were being controlling, I don’t have a very high opinion of most men, most of the time, but tbh, it sounds as if she does have some issues around needing male attention.

I don’t mean she’s awful, or needs yelling at, but wonder what her background was like even before she started dating… does she come from a family where there was a weird dynamic with relatives/between her parents/something?

It would seem to me that she either is oblivious to what she is doing, and needs help, or does know what she’s doing, and needs help. I don’t mean from you, I mean psychological help.

You have a very rigid idea of what marriage looks like, and I don’t understand why you thought that she would behave differently after you got married. How long were you together before you proposed? Do you realise some of your language is a bit… odd “decided to marry her” or similar.

I honestly believe that most people need more than one relationships to see how they work, or don’t work, and I don’t see how this will work for either of you whilst you’re so unconnected. I agree with you that she needs you for security (and I don’t mean financial).

I wonder if you give the impression that you will never leave, whatever she does, and she “does” stuff to test that. She needs to nkow that you are with her come what may, but at some point she may well find that even you have limits.

There’s a lot to unpack, and I’m already thinking of more, but those would be my first two insights.

This is as weird an OP as the other one with the Russian in US "fucking like rabbits on cocaine"....

Can't make head or tails of either one.

So. .. you married someone with an idea in mind of who she should be?

your stories of how you kiss every morning and make coffee sound like a script she can’t follow.

you can’t change a person, OP. Sorry.

either you choose to love and accept someone the way they are, or let them go and when you next meet someone, please work to see them for who they REALLY are before you marry.

She’s thinks am controlling and I worry too much.

And yet all you're talking about on here is her behaviour.

And no, shes allowed to fall asleep how she wants, not with her 'lover cuddled' into her

Thank you for your response…..

a bit of background. When we first started dating, she was touchy freely with me. And cos of my faith background I actually asked her back then to stop….cos we wanted to save sex for marriage (we failed miserably 😂)

maybe she is not touchy feeling… but why should I take her for granted? Or why should she take me for granted? If back then, she thought she had to be touchy feel on me without me asking for it as a way of trying to tie me down why stop now?

We have been married four months…. Everything posted happened past 7 months.
known each other 18 months

I met a gal

Met her and decided to marry her It all sounds as if you think you are in charge.

Those phrases don't show you in a good light. Are you American?

I totally agree that it’s not my business to change someone or make them become something they are not….

My confusion is with her hot and cold behaviour.
if someone is. It been affectionate with me, and they don’t talk nicely with me most of the times, it feels like we just become “husband and wife who are roommates but there is no romantic love….”

so I would get jealous, if she is spending lot of time on the phone, sharing jokes with others but not with me.

she is very keen to protect “the marriage..” and to keep the appearance to her family.

I feel like to her, wedding was the goal and end of a journey not the start.

there is little chemistry and interactions between us

I wouldn't fret over her male friends or over whether your behaviour is controlling or not because if you have no chemistry or interaction, is it really a marriage worth having?

I think you decided you were going to marry her way too early and ignored the signs of incompatibility.

Thank you….

I would advise that it’s probably not fair to try to analyse my grammar and word. If I was to try to write in perfect English and make everything right, I would be writing a book.

am trying to condense information as much as I can while remaining anonymous.
no. Am British, but English is not my first language

Another thing is when am away from home, she is very eager to know where I am.

but when I get home, there is little affection…

it seems like, she just want to know where I am so as to feel secure but doesn’t really want my company when present….

funny true example… A day before our wedding, she had a problem with a website. I advised her how to go about it, and she did not it. In the end we went to a computer shop, where they tried their best to solve the problem and they couldn’t do anything. It’s only after I suggested my original idea at computer shop did the technicians try my idea and everything was sorted…

this example is a reflection of our relationship. I feel like my wife, respects, admires, listens intently to other men/friends she meets. She takes a keen interest in whatever they got to say and keeps asking questions…

whereas with me, she never gives me this attention.

Thank you.

very true.

I have tried to push for counselling in the past but she is not keen.. we just started meeting an older couple for a course on marriage and am hoping that I will use that as an opportunity to get us going for counselling and therapy together

instead of spending time with other women, she would rather spend time with other men

This sounds as if you and your family have a very separate view of gender roles. Whilst we might separate along gender lines dh and I would also chat freely with other members of the family.

It doesn’t sound like you’re very compatible. I don’t think you sound overly controlling but when you have one persons side of things it’s hard to know for sure. Agree your wife seems like someone who needs male attention. Some people just aren’t very touchy / feely and that’s unlikely to change. I guess you need to learn to live with it - or don’t. Maybe you married too quickly. If this was still a relationship not a marriage would you be likely to walk away?

Seriously? She's not interested in you, there's no chemistry between you, you have limited interaction, she doesnt respect you, there's no romance. And 4 months in you want marriage counselling?
What exactly are you getting out of this marriage?

No idea if you're controlling. I do know that you don't sound happy. How happy do you think she is?

It is ok to want to be happy. What you can't do is force someone to be a certain way so that you can be happy.

I don’t know about controlling but it’s all very strange. She is acting oddly and your posts are unusual. Is there a cultural difference between you?

Same here….
but she doesn’t make an effort to build meaningful relationships with other female members of the families