Am I a controlling husband?

[CaringLoving]

Am I a controlling husband

Help me out?
Am I a controlling husband? Or am I going crazy….

I met a gal. My first and I hope my last relationship. She has a past colourful sexual experience and about past three serious relationships, but the last two of those were abusive and she had to run away.

Step in me. Met her and decided to marry her, I knew part of the past before I tied the knot, some of it I knew after we were together.

Main issue for me is how she relate to other guys. I have female friends and got no problem with her having guys friends but it always seems like she picks the wrong friends.

First friend early on in our relationship. He helped both of us. Last day of them working together, she told me he was being “weird with her…” she maintained friendship until I told her that he had been going around saying things about her. She stopped talking to him ( but only because he talked to much from my observations).

2nd friend it’s her ex. While preparing for our wedding, they made a secret emotional call, saying their goodbyes because their past wishes that they would reunite were no longer possible. She has since stopped talking to him after arguments.

3rd friend. A guy she has never met. Several years before we met they used to have what you might call “internet sex…” involving writing erotic stuff to each other. Relationship had changed but they had occasional jokes that are on the borderline inappropriate even after our wedding.

4th friend. Is a guy from her new work place. She works from home but goes to office once a month and that guy sometimes gives her a lift. Just before we got married, she told me a story about him. He has children from first relationship, one day he ran away with the kids after the end of his “father visits”instead of leaving him at school. He got into trouble and then lost visitation rights. He blamed social services, the doctor and police for been corrupt. I expressed my doubt of the version of his story and my wife “angrily” rebuked me for lacking empathy.

Lastly, during family times when my mom and sister are present. She becomes a free woman (which is good probably because she feels accepted by my family..) instead of spending time with other women, she would rather spend time with other men been “amazed…” on how great they are. there is little chemistry and interactions between us which I think others notice. She’s thinks am controlling and I worry too much.

You sound like an incel who got into his first relationship, but has no idea how they actually work. Just listen to yourself going on about her “colourful sexual past”. It's all so cringe-worthy.

@gobbledoops, OP's celibacy was voluntary but, yes, he was inexperienced. Bit mean to call it cringe-worthy. Everyone's inexperienced until they aren't.

You rushed your first relationship into marriage because of your faith and because you were so inexperienced. You had a clear fantasy idea of what your marriage would be like.

It sounds like she was happy to get married because she craved security or stability.

You aren’t suited. You’ll make each other miserable.

The advantage of not marrying your first serious partner is that you gain a clearer picture of what you do and do not want in a relationship. Often character traits that seemed attractive initially - let's say self-confidence - after some time are revealed to have their negative side (like confidence which slides into arrogance. Or charm which slides into sleazy flirting.)

Sadly I think you and your wife are just not suited to each other, and I think couples counselling - even if she were amenable - is likely to just drag it out. Counselling can't change someone's fundamental personality.

@GarlicGrace It doesn’t seem voluntary because as soon as he got a chance he did not wait until marriage to have sex. The “cringe” is not his inexperience, but the way he talks about his wife.

I'm going to tell you what my counsellor told me when I asked her about couples counselling, 'Some relationships are not worth saving.'

Thank you

that was my best way of describing her intimate past…. It’s not the focus of this thread and out of respect, I did not want to go into detail…

by colourful I don’t mean “wrong,” I mean varied experiences within committed and non committed relationships, but that’s not the focus of this thread so I don’t want to dwell on that

she is my first and am hoping my
last relationship, am 34 yes, she is a year younger than me and has heard several intimate experiences with three of them been serious relationships and the last two of them been toxic or abusive.

am religious. Church expectation to get married. She got cultural expectation to get married.

I’m aware that this a personal question, but we’re all adults and anonymous here - how many times have you had sex with your Wife?

Are you both communicative during sex?
Do you ask her what she would like you to do? Does she tell you?

Basically, your Wife is a lot more sexually experienced than you and in regard to relationships in general. Sex is not the be all and end all, but it is very important.

Do you only have sex in the dark, with the lights off, only on the bed and only in the missionary position?

Are you actually attracted to women or have you been pressured into marriage as that is what your religion expects of you?

These are all rhetoric questions, so need to respond. I can imagine you are feeling embarrassed just reading them.

Now you have given yourself permission to have sex without feeling guilty, now that you are both now married, have a look at the Kama Sutra. It will hopefully educate you re. some more love making positions. Also, learn the importance of foreplay. I think l can quite confidently state that all women appreciate foreplay!

Sorry, but If if the intimacy side of your marriage does not begin to improve, there will then be other issues at play, and then I don’t think that there’s much hope for your marriage.

I don’t think you sound like an Incel, as you don’t come across as resenting or hating women for not giving you sex, or for the other myriad of sad and pathetic reasons some men become Incels.

I actually thought some of what you’ve written sounds quite sweet and reminded me of my DP and I cuddling up on the sofa to watch TV, spooning to go to sleep at bedtime, kissing when we greet and leave each other, etc.

*so no need

How do you know she sent a "secret message"?

yes I love women.
I hate sex in the dark and I always tell her, that’s it’s because my eyes cannot admire your beauty in dark 😂 but most sex is in the dark (usually when we are sleeping)

how often depends on how happy or upset about anything.

I have never really been bothered by the frequency… it’s other things we do, or maybe I expect when doing it

• She prefers quick sex
• She don’t want me looking/ogle at her body and surely not at her vagina!!
• She never wants to open her eyes to look me in the eye during sex
• when it’s all over, she don’t like to cuddle or to hold each other, when it’s over she finishes faster than Usain Boilt. I thought guys are the ones who act like this and not girls
• she doesn’t like mouth to mouth kisses… Maybe her tolerance is one French kiss every couple of days, and a few kisses on the cheek in a day
• Until a couple of weeks when I noticed a change. When kissing, she doesn’t lock her eyes with mine

and yes I communicate and ask her
what she wants. I do know her main turn ons, me playing with her chest.
she is not very adventurous and see adventurous sex as “not her culture…”

she has stopped me from giving her head though. I have been I’ll after giving head twice before 🤢. I didn’t throw up, but I did have temperature and bad sore throat…

i have gone STD clinic twice. And am all
clear, no infection of any type

We both have access to each others phones and social media…
am more open by nature and she is more secretive…..

because of suspicions and gossip, which is another long story of its own, I had to be super clever to investigate stuff on my
own… if I didn’t present evidence to her face, she would have denied everything to my face.

I wasn’t expecting you to respond.

• She prefers quick sex

This is something that couples with young children have no choice but to adopt, if they’re in with any chance of a window to be intimate. Or maybe she wants it over and done with ASAP, which is a little concerning only after 18 months.

• She don’t want me looking/ogle at her body and surely not at her vagina!!

That could be because she’s conscious of her body and not comfortable enough with you yet inspecting every crevice, which is reasonable after only 18 months of being in a relationship with you. And I’m not surprised she feels this way after you most probably told her you felt ill twice after going down on her! If you didn’t verbally tell her you felt ill because of this, maybe it was not a pleasurable experience for her and that’s why she told you to never go back down there again!

I must add that I’m beginning to sense cap here though. You seem a little too vocal/cocky for someone who supposedly has had limited experience of sex and only one sexual partner during the last 18 months.

• She never wants to open her eyes to look me in the eye during sex
• when it’s all over, she don’t like to cuddle or to hold each other, when it’s over she finishes faster than Usain Boilt. I thought guys are the ones who act like this and not girls

I’m sensing that she’s not as into you as you are into her. Again, maybe she’s awkward around sex as she’s conscious of her body, maybe she’s shy or that love connection just isn’t there.

• she doesn’t like mouth to mouth kisses… Maybe her tolerance is one French kiss every couple of days, and a few kisses on the cheek in a day

IMO, French kissing doesn’t have to take place every day. It’s a feeling. French kissing is passionate kissing. A quick peck on the lips should suffice most days if you’re just saying bye and hi to each other.

• Until a couple of weeks when I noticed a change. When kissing, she doesn’t lock her eyes with mine

Locking eyes every single time you kiss is not a requirement, but yes, maybe she has checked out of the relationship.

Where have you been getting all of these good Wifey requirements from?
Have you been reading up on what to expect when you have a Wife?
This is why I and other pp have said that you are inexperienced and that you both escalated your relationship to marriage way too fast.

@Pinkbonbon‘s post is good regarding your Wife possibly needing therapy, so re-read that. It seems like you could both also do with couples therapy, although it sounds like it could be a waste of time.

Now, this sounds controlling!

If you feel that you have to resort to all this, why bother?
There’s a reason why you don’t trust her, so just be done and move on.