Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I a controlling husband?

64 replies

CaringLoving · 21/05/2023 02:39

Am I a controlling husband

Help me out?
Am I a controlling husband? Or am I going crazy….

I met a gal. My first and I hope my last relationship. She has a past colourful sexual experience and about past three serious relationships, but the last two of those were abusive and she had to run away.

Step in me. Met her and decided to marry her, I knew part of the past before I tied the knot, some of it I knew after we were together.

Main issue for me is how she relate to other guys. I have female friends and got no problem with her having guys friends but it always seems like she picks the wrong friends.

First friend early on in our relationship. He helped both of us. Last day of them working together, she told me he was being “weird with her…” she maintained friendship until I told her that he had been going around saying things about her. She stopped talking to him ( but only because he talked to much from my observations).

2nd friend it’s her ex. While preparing for our wedding, they made a secret emotional call, saying their goodbyes because their past wishes that they would reunite were no longer possible. She has since stopped talking to him after arguments.

3rd friend. A guy she has never met. Several years before we met they used to have what you might call “internet sex…” involving writing erotic stuff to each other. Relationship had changed but they had occasional jokes that are on the borderline inappropriate even after our wedding.

4th friend. Is a guy from her new work place. She works from home but goes to office once a month and that guy sometimes gives her a lift. Just before we got married, she told me a story about him. He has children from first relationship, one day he ran away with the kids after the end of his “father visits”instead of leaving him at school. He got into trouble and then lost visitation rights. He blamed social services, the doctor and police for been corrupt. I expressed my doubt of the version of his story and my wife “angrily” rebuked me for lacking empathy.

Lastly, during family times when my mom and sister are present. She becomes a free woman (which is good probably because she feels accepted by my family..) instead of spending time with other women, she would rather spend time with other men been “amazed…” on how great they are. there is little chemistry and interactions between us which I think others notice. She’s thinks am controlling and I worry too much.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 21/05/2023 06:41

Rainbowqueeen · 21/05/2023 06:19

I think you decided you were going to marry her way too early and ignored the signs of incompatibility.

I agree with this.

You've rushed in to make it official but you're not compatible. She's an independent man's woman and you want and indeed, seem to expect, an adoring pet.
Not going to work is it?

Original poster
CaringLoving · 21/05/2023 06:42

JuneOsborne · 21/05/2023 06:34

No idea if you're controlling. I do know that you don't sound happy. How happy do you think she is?

It is ok to want to be happy. What you can't do is force someone to be a certain way so that you can be happy.

Umm

i think she is not happy but she is prepared to toughen it up to save her marriage. It’s a big deal for her

am trying to direct us towards counselling. No good have a marriage if individually we are not whole

OP posts:
Original poster
CaringLoving · 21/05/2023 06:46

pictoosh · 21/05/2023 06:41

I agree with this.

You've rushed in to make it official but you're not compatible. She's an independent man's woman and you want and indeed, seem to expect, an adoring pet.
Not going to work is it?

Show quote history

Thank you

we both wanted this.
maybe we rushed but we both wanted this. We went through a lot of tough times together to get what we both wanted

she is not a pet.

relationship is about giving…. As of this week, I have kind of withdrawn. I can’t be the only one always giving compliments, saying kind words. I have stopped sharing some things with her…..

relationships is about giving your best self and energy to another person. If we both stop doing that, then there is nothing.

am hoping to go for counselling with her though…

I just needed somewhere to vent my frustration and confusion

OP posts:
Savvy25 · 21/05/2023 06:50

You both sound fundamentally incompatible and doomed to fail.

firsttimemum1230 · 21/05/2023 06:51

I’d say you were asking for basic respect mostly and it’s not controlling if you see someone for what they are/what their intentions are.

Original poster
CaringLoving · 21/05/2023 07:13

firsttimemum1230 · 21/05/2023 06:51

I’d say you were asking for basic respect mostly and it’s not controlling if you see someone for what they are/what their intentions are.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
CaringLoving · 21/05/2023 07:16

One important thing I forgot to mention

at the beginning of our relationship, when we’re first dating, my partner used to say to me, “ Do you think it’s appropriate if someone keeps in touch with their ex. It’s very wrong for someone to keep hold of their ex…”

This was because when she met me, she thought I probably had a colourful sexual past and relationships just like her (which I didn’t…)

so obviously she knows that there must be boundaries in a committed monogamous relationship.

OP posts:
PatchworkSilver · 21/05/2023 07:41

I think she likes the security of marriage but is open to male attention elsewhere... you do not sound well suited really.. what did she think and want married life to be, when you talked about it before marrying?

Ninjama1 · 21/05/2023 07:58

CaringLoving · 21/05/2023 06:19

Thank you….

I would advise that it’s probably not fair to try to analyse my grammar and word. If I was to try to write in perfect English and make everything right, I would be writing a book.

am trying to condense information as much as I can while remaining anonymous.
no. Am British, but English is not my first language

Show quote history

She sounds like she is taking the p* out of you.

GarlicGrace · 21/05/2023 10:40

The more you reply, the sadder this sounds. There's a definite incompatibility, to put it mildly. What you've shared about your expectations of marriage may sound a bit rosy, but this isn't unusual especially if your relationship experience is limited.

I'm afraid it does sound as if your wife tried to promise what you hoped for - whether she did it deliberately to 'get' you or was fooling herself at the time, I don't know. It isn't very important given that you are now getting none of that at all; by your account you aren't even getting what any average person should expect of their marriage.

Are you part of a culture that prizes marriage very highly, maybe even pushes young people into it? Was there some background pressure that made one or both of you feel you had to get it done? It would explain some things, and perhaps also explain why you're looking at relationship counselling only a few months in.

I tend to feel you're flogging a dead horse, I'm afraid. Marriage guidance/coaching will only make you more unhappy, as it's clear your wife has some complicated stuff going on that is unlikely to change. I don't think she'll be honest with your mentors.

I mean, try it if you feel you must but please brace yourself, and start making a concrete escape plan.

Parisj · 21/05/2023 11:03

Google the drama triangle.

tailinthejam · 21/05/2023 11:19

CaringLoving · 21/05/2023 06:40

Same here….
but she doesn’t make an effort to build meaningful relationships with other female members of the families

Show quote history

I'm like that. Whenever there is a big family gathering, or we're with a group of friends, I'd much rather spend time in conversation with the menfolk. In general, the topics of womens' chat bores me to tears.

honeylulu · 21/05/2023 11:56

I feel like my wife wants me to be there, but does not want me. This is the bit that stood out to me. It suggests your wife wanted the social status and security of marriage but the thrill of flirting with and being chased by more exciting (sorry) men who would not make good "marriage material". I agree with other posters who say you seem incompatible. I may be wrong and possibly you are just expecting too much - a too prescriptive idea of marriage and there is hope. But less so if she did "trick" you, even unintentionally to being her safe husband who she doesn't particularly desire.

Frogger8395 · 21/05/2023 12:03

We have been married four months…. Everything posted happened past 7 months.

Cut your losses. Eventually her need for validation will result in an affair.

Original poster
CaringLoving · 21/05/2023 13:10

GarlicGrace · 21/05/2023 10:40

The more you reply, the sadder this sounds. There's a definite incompatibility, to put it mildly. What you've shared about your expectations of marriage may sound a bit rosy, but this isn't unusual especially if your relationship experience is limited.

I'm afraid it does sound as if your wife tried to promise what you hoped for - whether she did it deliberately to 'get' you or was fooling herself at the time, I don't know. It isn't very important given that you are now getting none of that at all; by your account you aren't even getting what any average person should expect of their marriage.

Are you part of a culture that prizes marriage very highly, maybe even pushes young people into it? Was there some background pressure that made one or both of you feel you had to get it done? It would explain some things, and perhaps also explain why you're looking at relationship counselling only a few months in.

I tend to feel you're flogging a dead horse, I'm afraid. Marriage guidance/coaching will only make you more unhappy, as it's clear your wife has some complicated stuff going on that is unlikely to change. I don't think she'll be honest with your mentors.

I mean, try it if you feel you must but please brace yourself, and start making a concrete escape plan.

Thank you.

unfortunately there is more drama worse than this but I won’t share because it’s not relevant to the reason why I came here….

she is my first and am hoping my
last relationship, am 34 yes, she is a year younger than me and has heard several intimate experiences with three of them been serious relationships and the last two of them been toxic or abusive.

I kind of knew some of her past (not all of it) but it was not an issue, I was willing to run in life with someone who appeared to be ready for a new challenge.

am religious. Church expectation to get married. She got cultural expectation to get married.

OP posts:
Original poster
CaringLoving · 21/05/2023 13:11

Frogger8395 · 21/05/2023 12:03

We have been married four months…. Everything posted happened past 7 months.

Cut your losses. Eventually her need for validation will result in an affair.

I hate drama. I want to be focused in life in relationships and everything.

am not afraid of been cheated on. I just hate having my “time wasted…”

I don’t believe she wants to cheat, but I think she plays with fire and eventually, one day, the need for validation will lead to cheating. But in the present, it’s sucking the life out of our relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
CaringLoving · 21/05/2023 13:32

PatchworkSilver · 21/05/2023 07:41

I think she likes the security of marriage but is open to male attention elsewhere... you do not sound well suited really.. what did she think and want married life to be, when you talked about it before marrying?

She wanted married life to be for ever.
and never to embarrass anyone…

in hindsight this was an amber flag.

you marry someone because you want to be with them forever without paying attention to cultural expectations

OP posts:
Original poster
CaringLoving · 21/05/2023 13:37

I would love to go to a counsellor with her. Am trying to push for that.

or as a start I would love to communicate with her directly. Which we have done in past but I never get the chance to be understood…

maybe I should share with her this thread???? Will she understand my frustration or just not pick something wrong in me sharing this and make a big about it

I don’t think she wants to cheat. But I also fear she is quiet happy been comfortable in a non affectionate relationship, it ticks the cultural expectation box. I don’t want that. I want a lover not just a wife

OP posts:
MammaTo · 21/05/2023 13:58

CaringLoving · 21/05/2023 06:24

Another thing is when am away from home, she is very eager to know where I am.

but when I get home, there is little affection…

it seems like, she just want to know where I am so as to feel secure but doesn’t really want my company when present….

funny true example… A day before our wedding, she had a problem with a website. I advised her how to go about it, and she did not it. In the end we went to a computer shop, where they tried their best to solve the problem and they couldn’t do anything. It’s only after I suggested my original idea at computer shop did the technicians try my idea and everything was sorted…

this example is a reflection of our relationship. I feel like my wife, respects, admires, listens intently to other men/friends she meets. She takes a keen interest in whatever they got to say and keeps asking questions…

whereas with me, she never gives me this attention.

She’s probably cheating I’m really sorry. She wants to know where you are because she knows what she’s capable of.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 21/05/2023 14:06

We have been married four months…. Everything posted happened past 7 months.
known each other 18 months

You married too soon. It sounds like she put up a front to get you to marry her and now she’s showing her true colours. She blatantly continuing to flirt and receive attention from other men. She’s telling you and showing you this.

You’re inexperienced as you married the first person you had a relationship with, quite late in age. You have an idolised view of who you would like your Wife to be without knowing who your Wife was before you decided to marry her. If she’s not currently having sex with her ex’s and these other men, she will do at some point. She’ll then tell you that she told you about them and that you were fine with her continuing her relationships with them. She reeled you in hook, line and sinker!

I think you need to get a divorce, chalk it up to experience, date without having sex for longer, and don’t marry so soon next time!

You don’t sound controlling, just very inexperienced.

Not all women get on with each other, just because they are women.

Fairislefandango · 21/05/2023 14:19

she is my first and am hoping my
last relationship

You married her too soon and you don't have any experience in relationships. It sounds like you had a fixed idea in your head of what a marriage should be like. She clearly doesn't share that image. You are not at all unreasonable to find her behaviour towards other men unacceptable, but you can't make her be the wife you want.

Tbh I'd suspect that either her motives for marrying you were not sincere, or that she now regrets marrying you, because she has realised that your idea of a good wife is something she doesn't want to and has no intention of living up to.

Pinkbonbon · 21/05/2023 14:20

Tbh it sounds like she gets off on drama.

Either she has codependency and so, is drawn to broken men. Looking to 'fix' them. Or she is just very vulnerable due to something like autism. And cannot see the threat these men are to her.

Or...considering the way she treats you...
she could be a covert narcissist, using what is known as narcissistic triangulation. Which is when they use other men to make you feel jealous or insecure. Picking bad men deliberately so she can claim victimhood when they turn bad.
It would explain why she is now calling you controlling. Because she wants to be seen as the victim. To make you feel like the bad guy.

If we assume it's not that and that she does love you then...she clearly doesn't love herself. She hasn't addressed why she dated so many abusers in the past. She needs individual therapy to recognise why she stayed in these relationships. And why she keeps going near bad people.

krustykittens · 21/05/2023 14:38

You are incompatible. People get married for all sorts of reasons and it seems like you both felt like you SHOULD be getting married and now you are trying to force a happy marriage. It will not work. She is who she is, you are who you are. I am sorry, OP. You might possibly be afraid to divorce - afraid of the embarrassment of a failed marriage, perhaps, afraid of being lonely. But this situation sounds awful and will only get worse. Go your separate ways, take the lessons you have learned from this situation and use them to find someone more similar in your outlook. And find someone you have that chemistry with - in my experience, it is that chemistry that helps marriages stay strong when the boring mundanity of life wears on you.

squidgybits · 21/05/2023 14:43

You sound very inexperienced
She is playing games
You do not sound like a couple in any way

BriarHare · 21/05/2023 14:58

You don’t sound compatible, I’m afraid. And it doesn’t sound like she fancies you. She’s sexually experienced and you. I assume, we’re not until you met her. Recipe for disaster.