Husband works from home & never goes out

[Whenissummercoming]

Anyone else's husband like this? Since covid my husband has been able to work from home. He likes it as he's not a sociable person at all, plus of course it saves on things like fuel which is a good thing.
Unfortunately because he has a lazy streak, he now spends all day every day working from the sofa. We have an office upstairs he doesn't use, we have a dining room he doesn't use. He's more comfortable in the living room which I do get but he literally does not move from 8am until bedtime unless he goes to the toilet.
He has become very overweight, completely sedentary, eats zero fruits or veg. (If I add them to a meal he leaves them). He hardly showers or baths. He wears the same clothes multiple days in a row. He's started having health issues and his blood pressure and cholesterol are through the roof.
Outside of his working hours he doesn't go anywhere. He rarely leaves the house. I'm talking up to a month at a time . He then may take a short trip to b&q, tesco or visit family with us. Then it's another month in the house .
Why does does this bother me so much? Because I'm at home too. Whilst he worked out of the house it was decided best I be a sahm to save on childcare costs etc. My kids are now both at school. I do everything for them. Do all school runs to 2 different schools, I do the shopping, run the home, run all the errands, take them to actives, take them out with friends , I even take them on holiday. We are going away next Bank Holiday weekend for 4 days, he is not coming. (I don't mind this)
Whilst we are away he won't be working. He will still spend the whole time on the sofa just watching youtube on tv. We have front and back cctv that I can access through my phone and it alerts me if someone goes through a door. He does not leave the house at all for those 4 days and he just orders take aways every day. I find this level of isolation quite extreme.
Anyway, because we are together all the time I am sick of the sight of him. And him me probably. I try to keep busy in and out of the home but as soon as I walk in through the front door and see him sitting in the same place,my mood massively drops and I feel like the home doesn't have a pleasant atmosphere . During the day when it's just the two of us I try to stay away from him as much as possible, if I speak to him he will grunt one word answers . He doesn't want me to work as he still wants me to do everything for the kids and his wage pays for everything, he earns well. I also suffer from a disability myself which would cause me to be off sick alot which wouldn't be fair to an employer (don't claim benefits)
I can't live another 40/50 years like this. It's like we are a retired older couple but in our 30s. Two separate neighbours have commented on it and asked me if he's alright, why does he never go out and why can they see him always on the sofa. What a way to live. If I could work part time and if he could go into work just a couple of days a week it would solve the issue but he is fully intent on staying this way. In my mind now I'm living like this to keep the kids in a nice home , close to all their friends and schools etc but as soon as they are old enough I will be gone. I count down the minutes until they are home from school and love it when they are home as I can focus on them. But they are getting older now and my son goes out alot , so we are going to be alone together almost 24/7 soon and I just can't do it. It's like being in prison

If you want to leave him you should get a job. It doesn’t sound healthy but it’s unusual behaviour as he is managing to hold down a high level job. In that respect he is high functioning.

High functioning laziness as he is holding down a good job.

Have you spoken to him about it? Have you asked him why he doesn't go out and would he consider going out? Etc.

Tbh I wouldn't worry . With that lifestyle he'll be dead in 5yrs . Hopefully that will shock him out of his inertia .

This sounds pretty grim.
What does he say about going out and his deteriorating health? I'd go mad at him.

:( sounds like depression. The pandemic did this to a lot of us

Not sure what you can do to be honest apart from leave him! Doesn’t he care about his health? Have you actually told him that you think he’s going to be dead soon if he carries on like this?

This sounds unbearable, and a stifling way to live. Its not a partnership is it? How old are your children and what happens when they come home from school and want to be in the front room? Does he still sit there working? I would be getting a job in school hours so that l could begin to create a life for myself.

Get a job, if you get sick or health issues deal with it, see what benefits there are for your disabilities

but you gotta get out!

it’s not worth it, living like this

Yes we've spoken about it until the cows come home. Yes, he is capable of doing his job and also whatever else he wants to do , he just chooses not to.
His job is high level but is not taxing on the brain so its not that it zaps all his energy and he isn't able to so anything else .
When I talk to him his answer is always the same. Why does what he does or doesn't do have any effect on anyone else? He just tells me to get on with my own day and leave him be.
He can't seem to understand that it does affect me and the children. I feel like he doesn't want to spend any quality time with us. He's not interested in us. And on top of that, how can I be attracted to someone who is acting and living the way he does? We don't have a sexual relationship anymore. We don't even share a bed.
Because he's been like this for years the kids are used to it but they know he is different to other dads and will openly talk about it to others that he doesn't do anything etc. They also know not to ask him as the answer will be know. My 9 year old even started to comment when she came in from school saying to him "oh your still sitting in the same place as when I left this morning!" He blamed me that I'd told her to say it. I had not. She's getting older and notices these things!!

What was he like before? I think you might want to leave, but that is a decision only for you. Does he want you not to work so you are under his control and allow him to live chore free?

Also don't kid yourself staying won't affect your children as much as leaving.

Yes he depressed. Of course he is. But that has been caused by living like this. And it's gone on for 4 years now. He takes anti depressants

I understand depression is difficult, but he's not helping himself at all

He’s very young to be happy to be like that day in day out.

I feel for you I can imagine the feeling of doom when you come home.

I have no answers but hope your situation changes for the better eventually.

Sorry I didn’t see the post that he is depressed and on meds.

will he visit his GP again to say the meds aren’t working and to try something else

Why does what he does or doesn't do have any effect on anyone else? He just tells me to get on with my own day and leave him be

You have written down everything you've said here in detail explaining how it affects the rest of the family and how you feel like it's a prison?

You have explicitly said that his dismissal of your feelings is totally disrespectful?

And that your lack of physical relationship is the indicative of the breakdown in your relationship generally?

Ask him to give a written response. This forces him to see it in a way that's more hard hitting than just having another argument he thinks he can talk you round with. It displays a different level of intent / seriousness

If he cant do that, you need to pursue leaving him simply because you don't have alternative options left. Divorce him and force the sale of the house. It will be the best thing you can do and the only thing that may shake him out of it.

You can not change him. The sooner you see this the quicker you regain your life and the life of the children.

I think you should get a part time job and plan for leaving him . You can't go on the rest of your life like this . Is there anyone he takes any notice of to speak to him about his health ?

Have you spoken to him about how your feeling and that you are at the point you don't want to continue in the relationship because of this? I think it were me I would be making it very clear to him as maybe he needs a bit of a shock? It's very sad that he's actively choosing not to spend any quality time with you and the children. If he just carries on and ignores you then you have your answer. I would look for a part time job as others have said and start building your own life separately to him.

I get all the health issues, laziness etc, but from experience, this is usually not just a concern for him but a selfishness too.

How much of this is concern for him, and how much is the trapped, no free time feeling because you're just with him every day? It's easy to look at even the most loved partner and dispise them because you simply see too much of them.

It's all about communication...

Well first let's break it down. Part 1 is what he does during his work day = pretend he works at an office, he could sit there all day not moving and eating junk = not your business. Part 2 is what he does outside work hours = zero parenting, zero domestic labour = definitely your business, by him doing zero you are forced to do 100%.

I do wonder if Part 1 is a problem because he refuses to work from his home office space, and by using shared space he is thereby preventing you and DC from using it? In which case pack him off to the room he's supposed to use, buy a sofa and big tv for it if that's what he wants.

Part 2 is just standard stuff, plenty of useful ideas here and on other "useless DH" threads.

Tackle both parts separately is my advice.

If you don’t enjoy being in a relationship with someone it’s time to leave. You do need to get a job, you do need to think about where you can afford to live, and get legal advice.

ultimately it’s his decision if he values your relationship enough to make the changes required, if not you leave.

personally I don’t leave the house often either. I’m very ill and I work from home and there’s just not a lot I want to do with other people. Some of us just ate that anti social.

with depression though blaming him for not helping himself, I think is cruel. Depression can be a dark hole where even the simplest of things is too much. It can be so bad people lose their lives, so someone not being able to wash or engage with you isn’t really as severe as it could be.

but really they eggs are all in his basket. He can afford to do what he’s doing whether you’re there or not, you can’t. Your life would need massive readjustment if you leave, so you need to decide which is best for you and the kids.

but what’s not ok is having increasing tensions within the house, and arguments or you being constantly ignored or him being constantly berated. Decide what is best for you and make the decision

Take out his desk in his office and put a sofa and tv in there. At least he'll have to walk down the stairs to get his tea or a cuppa.

Start to look for a job, if he doesn't like it, so what? What's he going to do? You might have to continue to do the housework and look after the dc, but you'd have to do that as a single parent.

Then I'd leave him, start divorce proceedings and see the house etc. this is no example to set your dc about relationships

You don’t share a bed ! You are not really together are you ? This is a messed up and very sad suituation. You couldn’t possibly be attracted to him.

Hi op. This sounds really hard and I sympathise because my dh was reluctant to go back to the office initially. Now he does a mix of wfh and wfo and everything is a lot better.

Do you think your dh could be suffering from anxiety or depression or both?

Some people are very self sufficient and more introverted than others but this sounds extreme. He may have developed depression which can manifest itself as a sort of malaise in your body - you don’t necessarily have to always feel sad in your head ifyswim - and he may have developed panic attacks when he goes out to the extent that he is now afraid to do so.

I hear your frustration, but you need to tackle this sensitively so he can open up to you.Tackle it from the pov that you are worried about him.

Also, understandablly atm, your relationship doesn’t sound great. Why are you happy for him not to go on holiday with you and the dc? That’s the start of a slippery slope surely?

You don’t talk about his personality before the pandemic. What were his interests? Did he go out to do sport, see friends, travel? What are the good things about him? Could he be depressed because your marriage isn’t working?

And why are you picking up all the slack? Especially when you have a disability? That must be really hard for you. Why are you not insisting that he does his fare share of school runs and shopping trips? It sounds like there is a power imbalance in your relationship too.

I think your dh needs a trip to the gp to be assessed for depression. Maybe ADs might be good? Or talking therapy?

You might also have to invite a third party in to your home to break this deadlock. A friend or a member of your family or his or someone to paint the sitting room just to get hom out of there. Apart from anything else, bad manners for him to work in there all day when he has a dedicated office and you and the dc could use the sitting room.

Maybe both of you need to see a therapist together to look at the way your marriage dynamic works?

What happens when you're sick now, you say you're sick a lot so would need to take time off work from a job?

Can you get a cleaner?

Really feel for you. I am in a similar situation, although DH is currently only working part time from home, and spends the rest of the time lying on the sofa. He is also depressed and on anti depressants. It's been like this for years.

But, he is happy with how things are, and like your DH, says that he doesn't understand why his behaviour affects me and the children. He says he doesn't mind if I am in the house or what I am doing, and it doesn't affect him. I don't know if it's just that a man's energy affects a woman more than vice versa (sorry if that's over generalising!).

All I know is that I would love to have some space in my home and for it to be a place where I feel peaceful and relaxed. At the moment, with my DH constantly on the sofa, I feel permanently stressed, anxious and like there's a black cloud over everything!

Sorry I don't have any solutions, all I can offer is solidarity!