Husband works from home & never goes out

[Whenissummercoming]

Anyone else's husband like this? Since covid my husband has been able to work from home. He likes it as he's not a sociable person at all, plus of course it saves on things like fuel which is a good thing.
Unfortunately because he has a lazy streak, he now spends all day every day working from the sofa. We have an office upstairs he doesn't use, we have a dining room he doesn't use. He's more comfortable in the living room which I do get but he literally does not move from 8am until bedtime unless he goes to the toilet.
He has become very overweight, completely sedentary, eats zero fruits or veg. (If I add them to a meal he leaves them). He hardly showers or baths. He wears the same clothes multiple days in a row. He's started having health issues and his blood pressure and cholesterol are through the roof.
Outside of his working hours he doesn't go anywhere. He rarely leaves the house. I'm talking up to a month at a time . He then may take a short trip to b&q, tesco or visit family with us. Then it's another month in the house .
Why does does this bother me so much? Because I'm at home too. Whilst he worked out of the house it was decided best I be a sahm to save on childcare costs etc. My kids are now both at school. I do everything for them. Do all school runs to 2 different schools, I do the shopping, run the home, run all the errands, take them to actives, take them out with friends , I even take them on holiday. We are going away next Bank Holiday weekend for 4 days, he is not coming. (I don't mind this)
Whilst we are away he won't be working. He will still spend the whole time on the sofa just watching youtube on tv. We have front and back cctv that I can access through my phone and it alerts me if someone goes through a door. He does not leave the house at all for those 4 days and he just orders take aways every day. I find this level of isolation quite extreme.
Anyway, because we are together all the time I am sick of the sight of him. And him me probably. I try to keep busy in and out of the home but as soon as I walk in through the front door and see him sitting in the same place,my mood massively drops and I feel like the home doesn't have a pleasant atmosphere . During the day when it's just the two of us I try to stay away from him as much as possible, if I speak to him he will grunt one word answers . He doesn't want me to work as he still wants me to do everything for the kids and his wage pays for everything, he earns well. I also suffer from a disability myself which would cause me to be off sick alot which wouldn't be fair to an employer (don't claim benefits)
I can't live another 40/50 years like this. It's like we are a retired older couple but in our 30s. Two separate neighbours have commented on it and asked me if he's alright, why does he never go out and why can they see him always on the sofa. What a way to live. If I could work part time and if he could go into work just a couple of days a week it would solve the issue but he is fully intent on staying this way. In my mind now I'm living like this to keep the kids in a nice home , close to all their friends and schools etc but as soon as they are old enough I will be gone. I count down the minutes until they are home from school and love it when they are home as I can focus on them. But they are getting older now and my son goes out alot , so we are going to be alone together almost 24/7 soon and I just can't do it. It's like being in prison

Short term for your own mental health, while you decide what to do, could you make the office space a cosy retreat area for yourself?

Oh I see he does have long standing depression! Why would you not mention that in op - surely it is very significant - as his refusal to do more to tackle it?

I would hate this, and I agree he should work from his office when he's home, and go in to work a few days a week for his own mental health.

But you can't change any of that, unfortunately. What you should do however is start planning to go back to work, as you presumably did before deciding to be one a SAHM. Your children are older now and you are only in your 30s, so presumably you aren't planning to stay at home forever. That way firstly you will get respite from your husband, and secondly if the situation hasn't improved in a few years, you will be in better shape to leave.

Do you think he can change, OP? Realistically, for himself or for you, would he be willing to change? This situation is unsustainable & you can't change him.

My cousin's husband developed T2 diabetes on back of a similar lifestyle (he's had since ? 2005). Cousin adores her husband, and he is different tbf from OP's in several respects, not very overweight, mostly works from bed (!). He does go out to some events (concerts & political protests, stopped during covid of course). And does a lot more support with their (now adult) children. Cousin also has long had her own job (related to home-ed teaching, so very flexible).

Cousin's husband probably only makes that much effort going out because he knows cousin doesn't want him to die young, he does that much for her sake, plus supporting their children (performing musicians). Cousin bluntly tells him she doesn't want to grow old without him so he makes some effort. He still loves her & their children, while living with his mental illness.

With your own independent income, you could make decisions from a more secure position (about this lifestyle) as opposed to being so financially dependent.

I would look into claiming Personal Independence Payment now. It isn't means tested. It can take months or more if you have to appeal, which many do. So best to start that process now so it is in place if you want/need to leave.

If you were perfectly healthy, I would agree with the voices suggesting you get a job and prepare to separate.

Since you mention you have health issues which might impact any work you do outside the home, I'd weigh up the pros and cons and might make a conscious choice to stay.

Do you have equal access to the salary he brings to the household or does he dole out money to you. That for me would be the decider.

Your DC will take their queue from you. If you accept that this is who he is , think of it as a disability he suffers. Don't get hooked on how things might be better snd just briskly accept this is how they are.

You already have your own bedroom. As PP said, set up another room as a family relaxation space.

If you haven't already, build your own network of contacts, activities and friends so you have a rich life. I'm older now, out of work my main friends are either widowed, separated/divorced or have partners who are older and unable or unwilling to go out much.

You are very young to be in that position but it doesn't have to be a terrible life. Quite the contrary, it will be whatever you make of it.

If you don't have equal access to the household income, though, it's a different matter. Hope you find the life you want.

You need to get a job and leave him. What a way to live. You’ll regret spending so many years living in a sexless relationship with someone who has just become a couch potato. Yes he might be depressed but he needs to take some personal responsibility, get out for a walk with the kids once a day, take them to the park in the light evenings. If he can’t even be bothered putting in any quality time with his own kids I’d be gone. He’s not going to change, he doesn’t want to and WFH has probably caused a lot of relationships to end as couples are together 24/7. No reason you can’t work in the daytime and he still won’t need to life a finger (I mean he should be contributing to family life regardless in some way, he literally isn’t at all right now). Sitting at home with him all day waiting for your kids to come home is awful. I have a serious health condition and work, my employer is obliged to make adjustments.

He says he doesn't mind if I am in the house or what I am doing, and it doesn't affect him. I don't know if it's just that a man's energy affects a woman more than vice versa

The above is an interesting read. It's well known that a lot of men view the women they live with as a sort of domestic appliance, or not quite human in the same way they are, so having their appliance bumbling round the house affects them no more than having the dishwasher on.

OK so who is going to be the first to mention undiagnosed neurodiversity and then get flamed by everyone else?

I know that ND does NOT equal selfishness btw before anyone says that.

It does seem extreme however that he can’t or won’t recognise the effect that his behaviour is having on everyone else though.

And some people with certain types of ADHD, or with ASD, do favour a very limited routine and low level exposure to outside stimulation to protect themselves from the high level of activity going on inside their brain, or their sensitivity to the sights, sounds and smells in busier environments. Some people with ADHD or ASD also suffer from burnout.

It might just be worth ruling out anyway?

This is no way to live OP. I’d tell him he either changes or you leave.

The poor personal hygiene alone would have been too much for me ages ago.

He doesn't want to change. If you want change, you may have to.

He was not like this before covid, he worked out of the house Mon to Fri and we did things on the weekend.
In 12 years has never done even one school run. Never taken a child to an activity. Just point blank refuses .
I've talked to him many times about me working, he obviously doesn't want me to because I do everything, but he says it would cause more trouble than its worth. We don't need the money, we wouldn't have enough annual leave between us to cover the 13 weeks school holidays so kids would be affected and that he won't help with anything as I'd be the one changing the family set up when it doesn't need to be changed. So I feel like it's not fair on the kids right now. In another 2 years they will both be in high school and I will then have the freedom to not have to do school runs . My plan is to then separate hopefully
It makes me sad it has come to this and its covid that caused this . None of this would have happened otherwise

It sounds suffocating. I'd consider getting a job and then see if you feel any better.

I’m severely disabled and work a high level job from home, so it absolutely is possible.

going to have to be blunt here but depression isn’t a condition where the fault lies with the person for not making an effort, I been by the side of some wonderful people who have battled and lost and battled and never won over and over again.

it is not a simple matter of doing more for yourself, if it’s so bad that you can’t go out, taking a walk isn’t just mind over matter, people lose their lives to this. One of the most toxic things to rise from our generation is this idea that depression can be cured by getting a grip of yourself. It can’t.

depression is an individual Illness, what is possible for one is impossible for others, and unless we stop telling depressed people to pull their socks up, stop blaming them for not making progress then we as a society will never get any further forwards.

I’ve watched people come out of the other end of ect, being depressed is hard work, even if it looks like laziness from the outside.

m that and this expectation that antidepressants fix it, they just stop people dying, for a few they actually will support in getting better, but the rise of trd is alarming, with the only treatments that are shown to work not even licensed.

the guy is depressed, and either she makes her move to live the life she wants with the hardships of being a single parent or she supports him. But being in his case constantly isn’t going to help.

You can leave, be a single parent. Or stay put up with him and be financially stable. I'm not excusing his behaviour at all, but while the kids were young I'd be doing the latter. There might come a point when you can't stick it any longer, but I can say from experience managing kids on benefits isn't fun, and I regret leaving my unhappy but not abusive marriage as early as I did. Get a PT job or a hobby. Get your ducks in a row financially, save a bit if you can, make sure your name is on the mortgage, and remind yourself it doesn't have to be forever.

@Antisocialfluffmonster I'm sorry but in our particular case I disagree. I don't want to go into a lot of detail on here but he's had a lot of involvement from professionals , psychiatrists etc and he is monitored .
At the time , yes I don't doubt that he couldn't help it . But this has become his way of life now by his own choosing. He is totally capable of going out and doing something if it is for his benefit or gain. In my opinion you can't switch depression on and off like that. I've lived it every day with him and this now is pure laziness and choosing not to do anything because he prefers being at home.
It completely impacts everyone around him and causes all 4 of us to suffer and I don't think that's fair

I’ve heard the same arguments over and over again, that was just before the person being discussed tried to take their own life as they were made to feel like a burden and useless. They ended up in a secure unit getting ect. It was harrowing.

There are really only two possibilities, either he is genuinely depressed and you’ve come to the end of your tether which is understandable or he’s not and you’re still at the end of your tether which is also understandable

either way your stress and his illness/behaviour is a toxic environment. You have to leave. There’s no other choice. If he’s choosing to not engage with you, your relationship is well and truly over and all you’re doing is choosing to continue living like that because of kids comfort and your own.

You leaving could be what he needs to get back to a healthier life and certainly would give you your life back.

I would still absolutely say that demand avoidance is part of depression, and I don’t find it unreasonable that someone wants to wfh full time. I’ve done it for 10 years, I’d be in bloody jail if I had to go into the office one day a week as apparently I’m the PC fixer and who everyone gets to fix anything they can’t be arsed working out themselves. I’d legit drop kick someone and I use crutches to walk, but I’d find a way.

but make some calls, get some professional support, enjoy your holiday and make plans. Stop focussing on what he can’t or won’t do and focus on your next steps, doing positive things for yourself will help, and if you’re less on his case he will do your head in less. Even get out during the day for classes etc and make him pay for a cleaner, but do put yourself first.

ultimately it doesn’t matter if he’s depressed or not as the end result is the same. Two unhappy people making each others life a misery, and you could do better for yourself

OP I’ve been a single parent since day one with my kids. I worked, I juggled, I rushed from place to place, I multitasked, I did childcare favours for others so I could ask for favours back, I worked late, I was exhausted, I had no time to myself etc - and now the kids are 17 and 14 I’m still ferrying them around, and the buck always stops with me as the only parent. Being a single parent is very hard, as anyone on here will tell you. It’s relentless.

But I would do it all a thousand times over in preference to spending my days looking at a fat smelly lazy man welded to the settee, destroying any last shreds of love I felt for him, and setting a dreadful example to my kids.

I know you say you’re waiting till secondary school but I’d struggle to last another week, never mind another 2.5 years. You only get one life, and what you’re living with sounds pretty crap to me.

I am retired and someone who doesn’t go out much. But I keep busy in the house and garden.

I am on antidepressants and there can be an element of blunting of emotions with them that make you perfectly content to not engage with the outside world. But I am aware of this, and like making myself not eat cake, I do force my self out more often than I would otherwise do so.

However it sounds like your marriage is on its last legs.

You just need to work out how to live together until you can separate.

Is there any way you can refurnish his office so he uses it more? That way he won’t be the first thing you see when you get home. If you put a couch and Tv in his office and made it entirely his space, that way, out of sight, out of mind?

I've talked to him many times about me working, he obviously doesn't want me to because I do everything, but he says it would cause more trouble than its worth. We don't need the money, we wouldn't have enough annual leave between us to cover the 13 weeks school holidays so kids would be affected and that he won't help with anything as I'd be the one changing the family set up when it doesn't need to be changed.

I want you to read this back very carefully and think about it.

What you want and need doesn't matter to him.

He wants to control you and stop you having independence. That's why he refuses to do the school run.

He is saying it's more trouble than it's worth. To whom? Not to you. This is about him and him not wanting to take responsibility.

Seriously, I think you should leave him to it for a few days. TELL him that you will be going away for a few days to a friend because you can no longer live like this. During a midweek term time. And leave the kids with him. And switch off your phone.

He will then HAVE to take the kids to school. He will HAVE to feed them.

Force the issue because he's got this level of control in the relationship and it's not ok. You are not his support human. Demonstrate this. You have two years living like this otherwise which you don't deserve.

So what he's depressed. This isn't being depressed. This is dumping shit on you and controlling you.

TELL him this is no longer acceptable. Don't be so passive in the relationship. Cos that's where your biggest problem is. In being a doormat to him.

So, could you work OP? You say you can’t because you’re ill a lot but it seems you have discussed getting a job but he doesn’t want you to because of childcare?

This is extreme and it's shocking. Don't underestimate what you're putting up with. He doesn't even take the kids to the park for a kick around?

You all need help to change things. Yes he has depression but you and the kids don't deserve this lifestyle.

What do his family think? They need to step in and support. I don't care if they live miles away, they need to come and visit and get him to a GP.

Leaving him in two years isn’t a plan but it could be a goal that you plan to reach. If you don’t start making steps today, you will be exactly where you are now.

You know your dh better than anyone here op but I would agree that demand avoidance can make it look like your dh just does things that suit him and not anything else.

If he has ND traits for example, there could be some loud sounds that really upset him and some loud sounds that he really enjoys. Ditto trips outside the home. It entirely depends on the individual. And it is complicated for someone looking in from outside of his head because it can look as though it is switched on or off when in reality you can have good and bad days.

He is definitely neuro typical. I have known him since we were 10 years old and have been together since he was 18. He was nothing like this before. He was popular, sociable, a bit of a bad boy. I was very attracted to him as I came from quite a boring home with sensible parents and I am a sensible plain Jane kind of person. He was the opposite to me and I loved it. People were jealous that I was with him!
To look at him now you would never believe it . He's a completely different person.
I've stayed because if we split whilst the kids were younger I was worried either that when he had them he would do nothing them
Or that he wouldn't want them at all which would devastate them and I would have to work whilst doing 100% of everything. Them being at secondary school will make things a lot easier for them and me