How do you feel about your DH using the likes of Twitter/Reddit, to view one particular person (not ‘porn stars’) at a time?
I have a long standing issue with porn and I’d actually posted about porn use on here many years ago as - wrongly or rightly - it’s something that upsets me and messes with my self esteem, partly due to how an ex partners porn use had previously affected and impacted the relationship.
Anyway, I was told back then, and have since read many other similar threads, that when men view porn videos, it’s less the woman’s face/body that they’re focusing on, and more ‘the act itself’. I’ve since spent a lot of time trying to let that message sink in, convince myself that I need to stop comparing myself to all of the women that are a thousand times better looking than I am, and acknowledge that when porn is viewed, it’s nothing more than a quick and easy fix and it’s the actions taking place that essentially ‘serve the purpose’, and not that my DH is captivated by how beautiful their hair is and how perfect their face and make up seems to be.
My issue now is this, while I’d caught DH watching porn (on proper porn sites) a few times in our early years - despite me having had multiple conversations with him about how it effects me - I’ve noticed that over the last couple of years, he’s made the switch from viewing a man and a woman going at it, switching positions, doing their thing etc, to finding an attractive woman on Twitter (the type that have OnlyFans links in their bio to ‘view more content’) and looking at content that way.
These types of accounts show the woman in question usually fully naked or wearing very little, jiggling her boobs or looking seductively in to her phone camera while she licks an ice cream. There aren’t too many ‘acts’ to focus on, as it’s more photo after photo, video after video of a gorgeous woman flaunting how beautiful she is and how flawless her body is too. If you’d like to see her performing ‘acts’, you obviously can as all of these women have links in their bios. But learning that DH is now choosing to get his thrills this way has, for me, thrown a spanner in the works with regards to what I was told men view porn for.
How can it be a simple case of ‘they watch it for the sex, they barely notice the woman’s face’ etc, if he’s JUST looking at photos and videos of her face and body? Surely the fact he’s focusing on the woman, essentially just sitting or standing there looking gorgeous, means that he’s simply getting off on how these women look? And not what they’re doing with another man as I was previously lead to believe?
This next part won’t be relevant to everybody, but I think it’s worth me mentioning as it ties in with how these types of things affect my confidence and insecurities towards my own looks - DH and I are quite alternative in how we look and dress. We have a ‘rock n roll meets skater’ type edge to us, lots of tattoos, piercings, dress in band t-shirts etc etc, most days for the school run I look like I’ve just finished up at a skate park!
Back in the early days when I first realised DH was viewing porn, he was watching women that look ‘similar’ in style to myself, they had a sort of ‘rocky/alternative’ edge to them, but these Twitter and Reddit accounts are the TOTAL opposite. They’re all tanned, have several ml of filler in their lips and cheeks (something DH says he hates!?), not a funky hair colour or crazy tattoo in sight, just designer bikinis that are so small they’re barely worth wearing. If I was to see one of these types of women while out and about (or even on tv), there’s a good chance I’d say to DH ‘wow she’s stunning!’ to which he’d respond something along the lines of ‘ew nah, couldn’t be further from my type. I don’t see what you’re seeing’.
To contrast, I like a man with a full beard, slight dad-bod going on, open flannel shirts with a band t shirt underneath, jeans a little on the baggier side etc, so it’d be like me suddenly seeking out a clean shaven man who spends 7 days a week in the gym, wears jeans a size too small that are rolled up to reveal his sock-less ankles and smart shoes. I just wouldn’t search for or view those types of men, because, well, they’re not my type! They’re the opposite!
I’ve derailed a fair bit, but I did think how the women look was worth bringing up, as the contrast between the way these women look, vs the ones DH used to view is huge, and it's left me wondering whether I'm even still my DH's type!?
But back to my original question - how would it make you feel if your DH stopped watching porn, and was instead viewing individual women on social media that have links to further, accessible solo content?
Do you put it in the same category as regular porn use? Or do you think it’s different?