To those who are ok with their DH's watching porn...

[EverydayIsMercuryRetrograde]

How do you feel about your DH using the likes of Twitter/Reddit, to view one particular person (not ‘porn stars’) at a time?

I have a long standing issue with porn and I’d actually posted about porn use on here many years ago as - wrongly or rightly - it’s something that upsets me and messes with my self esteem, partly due to how an ex partners porn use had previously affected and impacted the relationship.

Anyway, I was told back then, and have since read many other similar threads, that when men view porn videos, it’s less the woman’s face/body that they’re focusing on, and more ‘the act itself’. I’ve since spent a lot of time trying to let that message sink in, convince myself that I need to stop comparing myself to all of the women that are a thousand times better looking than I am, and acknowledge that when porn is viewed, it’s nothing more than a quick and easy fix and it’s the actions taking place that essentially ‘serve the purpose’, and not that my DH is captivated by how beautiful their hair is and how perfect their face and make up seems to be.

My issue now is this, while I’d caught DH watching porn (on proper porn sites) a few times in our early years - despite me having had multiple conversations with him about how it effects me - I’ve noticed that over the last couple of years, he’s made the switch from viewing a man and a woman going at it, switching positions, doing their thing etc, to finding an attractive woman on Twitter (the type that have OnlyFans links in their bio to ‘view more content’) and looking at content that way.

These types of accounts show the woman in question usually fully naked or wearing very little, jiggling her boobs or looking seductively in to her phone camera while she licks an ice cream. There aren’t too many ‘acts’ to focus on, as it’s more photo after photo, video after video of a gorgeous woman flaunting how beautiful she is and how flawless her body is too. If you’d like to see her performing ‘acts’, you obviously can as all of these women have links in their bios. But learning that DH is now choosing to get his thrills this way has, for me, thrown a spanner in the works with regards to what I was told men view porn for.

How can it be a simple case of ‘they watch it for the sex, they barely notice the woman’s face’ etc, if he’s JUST looking at photos and videos of her face and body? Surely the fact he’s focusing on the woman, essentially just sitting or standing there looking gorgeous, means that he’s simply getting off on how these women look? And not what they’re doing with another man as I was previously lead to believe?

This next part won’t be relevant to everybody, but I think it’s worth me mentioning as it ties in with how these types of things affect my confidence and insecurities towards my own looks - DH and I are quite alternative in how we look and dress. We have a ‘rock n roll meets skater’ type edge to us, lots of tattoos, piercings, dress in band t-shirts etc etc, most days for the school run I look like I’ve just finished up at a skate park!
Back in the early days when I first realised DH was viewing porn, he was watching women that look ‘similar’ in style to myself, they had a sort of ‘rocky/alternative’ edge to them, but these Twitter and Reddit accounts are the TOTAL opposite. They’re all tanned, have several ml of filler in their lips and cheeks (something DH says he hates!?), not a funky hair colour or crazy tattoo in sight, just designer bikinis that are so small they’re barely worth wearing. If I was to see one of these types of women while out and about (or even on tv), there’s a good chance I’d say to DH ‘wow she’s stunning!’ to which he’d respond something along the lines of ‘ew nah, couldn’t be further from my type. I don’t see what you’re seeing’.

To contrast, I like a man with a full beard, slight dad-bod going on, open flannel shirts with a band t shirt underneath, jeans a little on the baggier side etc, so it’d be like me suddenly seeking out a clean shaven man who spends 7 days a week in the gym, wears jeans a size too small that are rolled up to reveal his sock-less ankles and smart shoes. I just wouldn’t search for or view those types of men, because, well, they’re not my type! They’re the opposite!

I’ve derailed a fair bit, but I did think how the women look was worth bringing up, as the contrast between the way these women look, vs the ones DH used to view is huge, and it's left me wondering whether I'm even still my DH's type!?

But back to my original question - how would it make you feel if your DH stopped watching porn, and was instead viewing individual women on social media that have links to further, accessible solo content?

Do you put it in the same category as regular porn use? Or do you think it’s different?

I think boundaries are personal, everybody's are different and just because something doesn't bother person A, it doesn't mean person B is wrong to find it unacceptable.

Personally I draw the line at interaction. So porn or watching women on insta/ twitter/ etc... would be acceptable to me. But any chatting to/ messaging/ webcaming/ sexting/... would be a deal breakers as I would consider it cheating.

It's fine to not want porn of any time in your relationship OP.

However, from your posts, this is about your insecurities rather than the porn - you seem scared your partner prefers or might leave you given a chance for one of themes. Can you work on your self esteem, find a way to build it up so you recognise how great you are?

I don’t understand the whole “just watching it for the act”, of course they notice the woman’s body and face. Of course some they will find more attractive than others etc, it’s porn, it’s real women on a screen with various faces and body shapes. A lot of men like variety and lots of different faces and body types. I think you have to be ok with it, or not be ok with it, rather than trying to analyse it in so much detail. If he wasn’t attracted to other women, he wouldn’t watch it would he. Many men are attracted to lots of women. He chose to be with you, and you chose to be with him, and we hope for our partners we are the full package as they are to us. I personally don’t experience physical attractions without emotions. I can tell someone is good looking same way I can tell a sunset us beautiful. Doesn’t mean I would want them to touch me or vice Versa, in fact the thought repulses me. So I found it hard at first when my partner expressed how he thinks of other women. However it enhanced our intimacy to mutually give to each other what the other really wants, so we’ve explored every fantasy going. I need full faithfulness and openess and romantic gestures which he naturally feels and is so good at. I need long loving sessions and I like some roleplay and some risqué outdoor action. He likes me to talk naughty stuff to him about me and other women, and to watch porn together. Overall I couldn’t really have imagined such an incredibly varied and exciting intimate life with someone. I kind of had to let go of the hang ups because my desire to explore with him and really turn him on was greater. Am I enough to turn him on? Of course. He’s incredibly attracted to me and vice Versa, and we have an amazing connection in all ways. Is it exciting exploring the other stuff? Actually yes it really has been, and it’s increased our closeness and we both strongly feel that. Would I draw the line at just fantasy 100%. I’d never let anything come between us in real life. Thankfully he views sex as an emotional as well as physical thing and we belong with each other. I never made any rules with it, he made them himself, that he wants to share everything, doesn’t watch it alone, all the sex we have is together, no solo play. I appreciate and like that. Better not to focus on whether he’s finding other women attractive, he is, focus more on your connection.

As another poster said, I’d totally draw the line at interactions/ real life stuff!

This! Nothing else to add as it's all been covered perfectly.

Thank you for all of your insights, it's useful for me to see it from different viewpoints.

I will try to work on my self esteem. It's never been great, but since having children it's absolutely plummeted.

A few people have mentioned about webcams/cam girls - and I can see that a couple times towards the end of last year, he actually went on cam sites while in the bath... when I would've been sat downstairs No idea whether any payments were made as they seem to be free sites, but who knows.

And it seems he's looked at the Twitter type content literally MINUTES after I've left the house with the dc in the morning to take them to school. DH is supposed to leave when we do - or just before - but I've noticed for several months now that he hasn't been leaving until 30-40 minutes after I've left. Of course, the later he gets in to work, the later he has to leave work in the evening. So instead of leaving the house when myself and his dc do (when DH is also dressed and ready to go!), he's instead choosing to hang back and wank!?

Is that normal!? I can't say for certain that that's what's happening every morning, but given there's evidence to suggest it's happened on a couple of occasions, I can't help but wonder if it's actually happening most mornings.

Regarding our sex life - it's hit and miss with regards to how often we have it. Sometimes it'll be a couple times per week, others we can go a week or two without it. 9 times out of 10 it's instigated by me, and I'd argue I'm shot down just as often as my advances are taken up. DH suffers with P.E, so I'm often left unsatisfied.

Gross

shows a massive lack of self control and immaturity to be scrolling through twitter looking for porn.

Hasn’t he got any hobbies ffs???

I realise people do look at porn occasionally but so much that you’re noticing it regularly?

What a prince. Dump him, work on your self esteem and next time you set a boundary with a man, ensure you enforce it rather than letting them constantly push and flout it

No wonder you've got low self esteem. You live with a porn addict.

Whats p.e? Penetrative ejaculated?
Well duh...he's a porn addict with death grip.

P.E - premature ejaculation.

I don't know if I'd call it an addiction, well, tbf, I've no idea of the true extent of how often he's viewing porn related content. But as far as the mornings go, he'll literally have his shoes on and be grabbing his jacket while waving us out the door, so it's a mystery to me why he then isn't leaving for a further half an hour, in some instances it's closer to 45 minutes

Your update changes things, OP. It clearly isn't just about a man looking at sexy images or videos (although as PPs have said, you have every right to set those as a limit on your relationships).

I guess the PE is a significant factor, although it depends on whether it's a cause or a symptom.

How do you know how long he's stayed in the house looking at stuff after you've left?

We use life360 and each get notifications when one or the other leaves home/arrives home, gets to work/leaves work etc

I would say he has too much time on his hands and needs a hobby.

There is a lot here to consider.

How exactly do you know what he is looking at? Are you going through his phone? Does he know you're doing that?

Your sex life sounds terrible for you - if you're being left unsatisfied, that's a serious problem. It's mean, and shows a lack of respect for your needs. PE doesn't need to mean you are left unsatisfied.

The morning thing - well, when else would he be alone in the house? If it's every morning, and it's changing his work hours and impacting you that way, then you have a legitimate complaint. But if he 'disappeared' of an evening after the dc went to bed - would that be any better?

You sound like you know a LOT about his movements. And his phone usage. And you don't trust him.

I can see the history on our shared PC that's in our bedroom...

If he goes in late in the morning, it does change our day, as it subsequently means he has to stay later at work in the afternoon, so leaves later than he usually would. Meaning he has less time with the dc when he gets home before they go to bed, and it means I either have to eat my dinner without him as opposed to with him, or, I wait until he's home and we eat later.

Okay that might not sound like a huge disruption to daily life, but if it was me, I'd rather leave my house when the rest of my family were, get to work and get home at my normal time, than spend each morning watching god knows what in the bathroom

Wow. He barely manages to have sex with you and YOU are the one with low self esteem. Men are curious creatures.

For starters - I’d be ordering a large selection of toys and making sure his PE doesn’t take away from your needs.
Secondly - has he seen a doctor? And is he trying to deal with his issues?

I guess his PE must be quite frustrating for him. Porn doesn’t cause it - but I guess for him maybe it’s a coping mechanism?

For me - the main issue is that you aren’t happy with your sex life. You shouldn’t be the one initiating all the time. He needs to try to deal with his issues rather than taking the selfish easy way out of going solo. And at a minimum - if his PE isn’t treatable - then he at least needs to make an effort for you with other methods.

A few people have mentioned about webcams/cam girls - and I can see that a couple times towards the end of last year, he actually went on cam sites while in the bath... when I would've been sat downstairs No idea whether any payments were made as they seem to be free sites, but who knows.

Well to me that's a type of cheating be sure it's live and interactive, whether they actually made payments or not.

I'm not really ok with porn tbh so maybe should not be commenting but it's not something I'd leave over if it was infrequent. But I'm way less bothered about porn than something like only fans, insta, twitter where they follow specific people. This would absolutely be a red line for me. As it's about the specific person. It feels like a crush or similar. Obviously one sided. But yeah not ok in a relationship for me.

*Of course, the later he gets in to work, the later he has to leave work in the evening. So instead of leaving the house when myself and his dc do (when DH is also dressed and ready to go!), he's instead choosing to hang back and wank!?

Is that normal!?*

No, I generally found well adjusted men to keep wanting for their (properly) free time.

What has he tried to do a out the PE (and unsatisfactory sex life it means for you?)

Even with PE, what is he doing to satisfy you in bed? That is really the issue.

No, it's not normal to be late to work every morning and watch porn instead.

But if you have access to his search history, it sounds like he's not trying to hide what he's doing?

The fact that his viewing preferences have escalated to something that wasn't previously his thing probably goes hand in hand with the frequency escalating (to most mornings once you've left the house).

I don't think it's good that his sex life is primarily with himself (and whichever body from the interent he fancies involving) when he has a partner who wants that intimacy with him. There are probably complicated reasons as to how it's ended up this way, with porn addiction and the insecurity of PE perhaps being part of it. The bottom line is that it is affecting your relationship and that makes it a very valid thing for you to want to address. Does he have a male GP he would be willing to chat to? It's very common for male GPs to end up chatting about such things with their male patients so needn't be embarrassing. A surprising number of men actually feel trapped in the cycle of porn and don't love it as much as we think they do.

Perhaps a more all encompassing chat about rekindling intimacy in your relationship would also be helpful as imo the porn use is more likely a symptom of relationship issue rather than purely the cause (although it obviously is feeding directly back into the relationship in a negative way). I do agree that it's disrespectful of you and i wouldn't be remotely happy about it either.

@Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon It sounds like he has a hobby; wanking to ransoms on Reddit or cam sites.

I don’t mind my dh looking at random boobs online; but I would draw the line at cam girls or actually messaging anyone/paying for anything.

Seems like your emotional and physical connection isn’t that strong though op; there’s more issues than just looking at porn

He hasn't done anything to sort it out. I've suggested a few times over the years that he maybe needs to speak to a GP, but he hasn't arranged an appointment. After he's ejaculated, he'll either fall asleep, or I'll be told that 'we'll go again in a little while' but very, very rarely does that happen, it's perhaps once a month that we'll have sex twice within a half hour window.
There's no 'sorting me out' afterwards.

So he's completely selfish sexually then.

In addition to this behaviour.