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Original poster

Can we be happy without children

51 replies

Tilly1990 · 17/05/2023 20:16

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 2. We had conversations and made plans to try for a family once we had had our Honeymoon in November - it had already been pushed back by a year because of covid but we had planned to start once we got back. Shortly before we went on our honeymoon we had been bickering and things just didn’t seem good between us. I tried to rekindle things but as a result it actually came out that he doesn’t want children or doesn’t know if he doesn’t want children. This flattened me and tore me in two. The man I thought was my everything hadn’t shared this really big thing and it felt as though he hadn’t thought about me in any way shape or form (that may sound selfish on my part) but what I believed to be our future was now a total blur.

He explained that he didn’t want children now but didn’t know if this would change his mind but might later. After many years I decided with the hope there that it’s not just a child I want with him but a family and we are a family already without children. Maybe we can live a happy life without children in our plan. But I am finding myself that baby’s keep popping up everywhere and the more I think about it the more I hope for our family to include children. I don’t want to walk away from my husband because I love him so much but I also do t know what to do. This is something that can’t be Compromised on. If he doesn’t want children and I want to stay I have to be grounded with that decision but at the moment I’m really struggling as I feel ready to be a mum and want to grow our family.

OP posts:

CareerQuestioner · 17/05/2023 20:19

How old are you, op?

This is a rotten situation for you as he has obviously changed his position- which he has the right to do but it makes things for you very hard. Plenty of people have very happy lives without children but whether you can be one of them really depends on you.

Comedycook · 17/05/2023 20:23

He explained that he didn’t want children now but didn’t know if this would change his mind but might later

I suspect this is utter bullshit so I suggest whatever decision you make, you make on the basis that he doesn't want children and won't change his mind.

CinderRosie · 17/05/2023 20:26

How old are you both? If you’re in your 30s then you need to leave him if you want kids.

TheTinWoman · 17/05/2023 20:27

OP, have you explained to him that this a dealbreaker for you? It sounds like you've given a lot of thought to his position, but he has sat and listened to you?

millymollymoomoo · 17/05/2023 20:27

I suspect you will waste your fertile years in this man then he will be off having children with a younger model
don’t forgo your chance of children

Siameasy · 17/05/2023 20:27

That’s awful. If you go against your true feelings it will cause resentment later. You’ll get eventually divorced, he will remarry and have a kid with someone else. That is the type of thing that happens. So be really selfish here. I take it you’re still fairly young as your username is 1990?

My DH tried to do this. We argued so much. I was 38 by the time he agreed he was “ready”. Traumatic birth and post natal anxiety meant that we only had one child. DH regrets his “stupidity”. We’ve made peace with it now. But it caused a lot of anger for a few years.

Redebs · 17/05/2023 20:28

The main issue is that if you don't have children, you will probably regret it for the rest of your life.

You need to decide what you have to do. Don't delay.

Jk987 · 17/05/2023 20:30

You said you'd made plans to try after the honeymoon so your husband must have been onboard with having children then?

It sounds like he's totally strung you along and I think you'll resent him if you stay together.

BarelyLiterate · 17/05/2023 20:34

He is entitled to change his mind about having children, or to decide that he doesn’t want to have them at all. What he isn’t entitled to do is play for time & string out his indecision until it’s too late for you to have children.
You are entitled to decide that him changing his mind about having children is a deal-breaker for you and end the marriage. After all, childlessness wasn’t what you signed up for, was it?
Good luck.

Goatbilly · 17/05/2023 20:51

Once you have a child/children your whole world view will change, if you're lucky to conceive and carry the pregnancy to full term. Men and relationships come and go, difficult to understand in your position right now, but never allow someone to dictate whether or not you have children. And if the relationship ends, and your fertility clock has been run down, do you think he'd care?

BirbFriend · 17/05/2023 20:56

I'm going to chip in with a different opinion.

I'm 39, as is DH. The older we are the more glad we are that we didn't have children.

I'm sure loads of people feel the opposite of us, but we were ambivalent until about 35, been together 12 years. We're so glad we didn't have kids.

Original poster

Tilly1990 · 17/05/2023 21:42

We’re both 33.

its just hard as I feel like I am holding on to the hope that he will change his mind and want to welcome children into our family. We had always talked about children he ie talking about taking them to cricket and holidays etc. so I feel like he did once and maybe this is just cold feet but when we talk about it It gets so emotional and he can’t give a concrete answer - maybe he will never know I don’t know?!

when we were moving into our new home we discussed having 3 beds so that we could grow our family and we had also looked at our finances and so we were prepared we started saving money into an account so we didn’t have to worry financially if I had to stop work etc with maternity leave.

I don’t know if I would want to do it alone I always thought it was him I wanted to grow a family with. If I walk away I am scared he will move on and I will be unable to move on because he is not only my husband but my best friend also.

OP posts:

whereaw · 17/05/2023 23:14

I can't accurately comment on other people or men but in my personal experience men who want to have children tend to be quite certain of that early on.
But what I can whole heartedly say is that I couldn't be happy to have the chance of having children taken away from me.
It's very different for men and women at your age. They have all the time in the word. We don't.
It's an awful position he has put you in.

whereaw · 17/05/2023 23:18

On re-reading .. It sounds like in his head he's being put under pressure, and the 'pressure' he feels and can't cope with is the talking/ planning/ preparing for having a baby.
Hence the bickering and the confession.
Well it would get a lot more hard work and intense after having children, and your care and focus will no longer be your husband but your children, so factor that into your consideration also.

HowcanIhelp123 · 17/05/2023 23:22

Honestly, he sounds like the man that spends his 30's unsure then leaves you in your 40's and knocks up his new 30yo girlfriend within a couple of years.

Yes, you can be happy without kids, lots of people make that choice. Doesn't sound like its the choice you want though. You'll regret wasting fertile years on him when he can up and find another fertile woman later.

minipie · 17/05/2023 23:26

Honestly I believe many many people can be happy without children. Many people don’t ever feel like they want them and have a lovely childfree life.

BUT I also believe that for some people (maybe women) there is a strong biological urge to have children and that can make it very difficult to be happy without them. You sound like one of these people to me.

These people can often come to terms with not having children if it is biologically impossible but (IMO) it will be much harder to come to terms with if it’s just because of your partner’s choice. You could end up resenting him. Especially if the relationship didn’t last and you’d missed your window to have kids.

If I were in your shoes I would set a deadline eg I want to ttc at the end of this year. If he’s not ok with that, or if he says yes but then changes his mind, I would walk. Sorry.

(Plenty of people meet the father of their kids in their 30s by the way.)

babakeri · 17/05/2023 23:28

As a mom of two I can tell you that children are the best thing that can happen to a woman (and to a man), I know, a cliché. Don't waste time, start a family asap. You can be with the man you are with at the moment just talk as adults and take the big step together. All will come natural to both of you once you have the perfect little addition to your family.

babakeri · 17/05/2023 23:32

From your words it seems that he is indecisive, although you can keep sharing with him that you really want it, you've been together for a long time, 10 years right?! If you are together for such long time you must get along well, so only thing is you to convince him that you are having a baby. People can settle into their comfortable lives and is hard to change, babies would be hard when small but they will make you both happy and fulfilled all day every day!

Mumoftwoinprimary · 17/05/2023 23:33

As others have said - I know a few women who stayed with “the love of my life” and accepted no children because that is what he wanted.

For two out of three of them the relationship lasted until late 30s / early 40s when he fucked if with a younger woman and speedily had kids with her. It was too late for them. They have very strong regrets now.

The third is still with her husband and they are happy. But she does also have a certain level of sadness about the baby she will never have.

Username84 · 17/05/2023 23:35

babakeri · 17/05/2023 23:28

As a mum of three I can tell you this is total bollocks. A life with or without children can be wonderful but being in a relationship with a man too selfish and cowardly to tell you he's having doubts about something that is a deal breaker is not going to be a good one. 8 years is nothing in the scale of the life you should have left.

RunningUpThatMill · 18/05/2023 00:00

Can people be happy without children? Yes, absolutely. Although I adore children, I'd be utterly miserable if I had to support one mentally, physically and financially. Not having children is an active decision I've made based on my own thoughts, values, morals, lifestyle and preferences.

Your situation is polar opposite to mine. You clearly do want children.

I couldn't imagine not having something I want based on another person's views or decisions. Are you compatible?

RememberNancyDrew · 18/05/2023 00:08

But is it he doesn't want to have children or he doesn't want to have children with you?
It seems like he might have changed his mind at some point which makes me think the relationship itself is not strong and he intends to leave.

august20222 · 18/05/2023 00:12

Of course people can be happy without having children (possibly happier!)

But.....

If you really want children, and he doesn't I would assume that will make you unhappy.

It's also a gamble as marriage isn't always for life and he possibly could decide he does want children and bugger off to do that, leaving you with empty arms.

evuscha · 18/05/2023 00:15

The question would make sense if it was both of you questioning whether you want kids, if you also weren’t sure and were perhaps happy either way.

However, you want kids, so can you be happy with a decision to not have them? (when it’s really his decision) - I don’t think so.

You still have time to meet someone new and have the family you want, but your time is limited. You probably don’t want to hang around for another few years hoping he would change his mind, and then he tells you he doesn’t want kids. Then he goes off to meet someone new and the new girl gets pregnant within a year.

Hawkins0001 · 18/05/2023 00:16

All the best op,
For me I m not fussed either way, I guess it's a very risky investment having children.

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