Can we be happy without children

[Tilly1990]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 2. We had conversations and made plans to try for a family once we had had our Honeymoon in November - it had already been pushed back by a year because of covid but we had planned to start once we got back. Shortly before we went on our honeymoon we had been bickering and things just didn’t seem good between us. I tried to rekindle things but as a result it actually came out that he doesn’t want children or doesn’t know if he doesn’t want children. This flattened me and tore me in two. The man I thought was my everything hadn’t shared this really big thing and it felt as though he hadn’t thought about me in any way shape or form (that may sound selfish on my part) but what I believed to be our future was now a total blur.

He explained that he didn’t want children now but didn’t know if this would change his mind but might later. After many years I decided with the hope there that it’s not just a child I want with him but a family and we are a family already without children. Maybe we can live a happy life without children in our plan. But I am finding myself that baby’s keep popping up everywhere and the more I think about it the more I hope for our family to include children. I don’t want to walk away from my husband because I love him so much but I also do t know what to do. This is something that can’t be Compromised on. If he doesn’t want children and I want to stay I have to be grounded with that decision but at the moment I’m really struggling as I feel ready to be a mum and want to grow our family.

If a man gives an emphatic "no" to children then you know you can leave or make peace with it. But when someone does the, "I don't think so, but maybe some day I'll change my mind", it just makes me think, as others have also said, of the men who string their similar-age partner along, then leave them and rapidly marry someone else and fire out babies almost immediately.

Lots of people are very happy without children, but if you do want one, the pain of "what if?" could be so hard if you don't even get to try with your husband.

People can be happy without children, but that is usually when they both agree that they are not going to have children. Your case is different - children were part of the plan and he is now doing a major U turn that you don't want.

Bluntly, you need to leave him now. You want children very much and you cannot be happy with him, mainly because he has done the U turn. He is not going to lose his fertility and he could have children in 20 years with a younger woman if he chose to. You on the other hand cannot. If you stay with him, you will burn your fertile years away and you may resent him forever.

Sometimes when people don't want kids, they are not really upfront about it and keep stringing their partner along - saying that they will try after saving X money, or going on Y holiday, or after they finish looking after Z relative or get a random promotion or any type of excuse. Don't fall into this trap - it's now or never. Another thing people do is to keep their partner even when the relationship has gone south - until they have a more favourable alternative partner to move on to. Be careful of this as well. Don't let him keep you if he isn't all in.

I hate these men who lie and string women along to run down their fertility. It is downright fucking cruel.

Some of my happiest friends have no kids

but the question is could you be happy without kids

No man is worth giving up on having kids.

Certainly not a juvenile male who strings you along, knowing that is you want. The ‘’maybe, I am bit sure…’ etc - is just to avoid saying - I am lazy and don’t want to bother. And I don’t care what it means for you - as I will have an option to leave you and still have kids for another 20-30 years.

You are just 33. He is selfish and is only thinking of his comfort. He doesn’t love you - because he should have told you before and not married you.

Can couples be happy without children? Of course. These are couples who have decided not to have children, and those who discover they can’t conceive, grieve this and move on.

Your situation is different. I rather suspect you were hoodwinked, in that your DH felt you would be more likely to marry him if kids were part of the plan. This is an awful situation but I would consider leaving, I think.

Yes you can be happy without children, however I think it has to be something you are both on same about. You can’t compromise on children. If one doesn’t want them then there is a big chance of resentment creeping in. Resentment kills off any relationship.

You are definitely at an age where you need to think this through carefully.

'The older we are the more glad we are that we didn't have children.'

Same here. I was highly ambivalent and went through periods of absolutely pining for children, and my DP was seriously tempted too. We're in our 40s now and the door is closed, and while I feel some sadness, I'm very grateful that we made the decision we did

It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that children aren't such a big deal to you, but no one can say that for sure except you. It's such a tough place to be OP, and must be such a shock for you after you thought he was on board. If he has changed his mind though, he's doing the right thing by telling you rather than going ahead half-heartedly and leaving all the parenting to you, like plenty of men do. You need to work towards accepting that he doesn't want children, and I know that is so painful and will take time. If you really do want children, then you have a big decision to make x

I'm a solo mother by choice and had my child via a sperm donor. I was absolutely resolute that in my case at the time the lack of a partner shouldn't prevent me from having a family. I realised that "waiting" for someone to be ready is no longer something I was willing to put up with. I'd spent years in relationships where I'd heard the "not now's" and wasted an awful lot of time. I wasn't prepared to gamble any longer on meeting anyone suitable, shy would I I hadn't in over 20 years (I was 39 by this point).

It may be different at 33 as you're younger, but the "waiting and hoping" for someone to be on the same page as you is just as exhausting. You never know what your conception journey will be like, easy or difficult. Men are very well aware of the fertility clock, they're not stupid. Listen to what someone says now and what they're feeling now. Accept that he is allowed to change his mind but you don't have to. Take agency.

You have to make this 'about you' OP- I know someone who divorced in a similar situation. Do you feel if you don't you will regret this? If you don't want the option removing then I think it's best to call it quits now sadly- and be honest about it and be prepared to follow through. he may at that point change his mind- he may not - you do not by the way have to lose friendship- my friend didn't .

Yes people can be happy without children, it’s a different type of happiness.

But from your last post it sounds like he was once keen and now has cold feet. It might be worth telling him this is a deal breaker because there is no compromise, you can’t have half a child.

It’s hard once you get older because you get used to your time being 100% your own and it’s hard to give it up, but talk to him and explain how much you’d like a family and get his opinion.

Omg - the posters on here saying he’ll leave OP for a younger model etc?! You don’t even know this man?! Mumsnet is wild.

Op, I totally understand. Of course you can be happy without children. You can have a wonderful, fulfilling life. But it sounds like this is something you really want, and were planning for.

I think it’s possible your DH is having cold feet. Could you maybe consider some couples talking therapy? It sounds like it’s a very upsetting thing to talk about when it’s just the two of you, which will make it harder to properly discuss.

I have suggest talking therapy to him he is really reluctant even though I would be keen as if I could understand where his change of heart has come from. I could try and understand.

I hve read all these comments and have taken bits from each and everyone. I think although I have time in my fertility window I am finding it hard to make the decision of whether to stick by the man I love and accept that we will be happy without a family as I respect that he is entitled to change his mind but with this I have a reluctance to look forward to our future as what I thought our plan was is now blurred

THIS

This is very hard. Do you feel that he didn't want them before you got married and therefore slightly 'tricked' you into marrying before disclosing this? I would find this very hard to come back from.

At 33 you really need to be getting on with it and I say that as someone who was very lucky to have them later than that (and wish I had done it earlier), but so many of my friends have had long and sometimes painful journeys through IVF, donor eggs, adoption etc. For a couple it never happened after years of trying everything and they have never come to terms with it.

If you think you really want children then you need to leave and make that happen.

From your last update it also sounds like he doesn't even want to help you resolve it. I would also be very worried that you waste your fertile years on him and your relationship never recovers (and yes, there is the risk he has children with someone else which would be devastating).

I'm sure many people are happy without children. But if any part of you may want kids now or in the future you deserve to give yourself that opportunity!

I wonder that yes! and I wonder if he was just trying to keep me happy. But why choose to marry me and spend his future with me if he knew that we had different feelings about this. I always thought we were such a good couple we are different but complemented each other in many ways.

I wish he had just told me sooner. We were meant to go on our honeymoon in November 21 but because of covid we pushed it back to November 22 and due to it being the Maldives we discussed putting a pause on starting a family until we had been there because of the risk of the Zika virus. I now wonder if this was just a happy coincidence for him that we could put it back a year without having to say his feelings had changed.

i know if I want to be a mum I have to seriously think about how I go about it and whether my future is how I thought it would be with my husband. I am a realistic person and I understand life isn’t a fairy tail but I always thought that he was my future and I thought we would grow old and have a family together.

As a man, it's one of the worst things that you do.

Don't force him - If he doesn't want kids, respect his decision and plan your own path.

Of course you can be happy without children - thousands of people are. And the older you get, the more of a relief it becomes that you are childfree ..... so much less stress, and you can enjoy living your own life.

'All will come natural to both of you once you have the perfect little addition to your family'

This is irresponsible rubbish

if kids have always been on the cards and he's never expressed doubts like this before, I would start to wonder if he really wanted to get married as well. It's possible that he's changed his mind, but it sounds ot me like he's having doubts over your relationship and he's stalling having kids. You can sell a house, you can divorce, but once the kids are here, they're here.

I was in that exact same situation and felt betrayed, not because he changed his mind but because we never had open conversations about it which would have given me the chance to decide whether I want to continue with the relationship or not and not waste so many years.

anyway, I left and I’m now pregnant at 39. The pregnancy is a bit of a nightmare and I wish I was younger. I don’t regret my choice though, I have a lovely fiancé who wanted to take this step with me and to even get to experience the pregnancy has meant a lot to me.

Honestly I'd consider leaving him as I think you may be resentful if you don't have DC by what you've said. You have one life, this is it.

Hinting that he might change his mind about children is a ploy to keep you in hope until the last chance of a baby fades. I think you have to ponder how much you really want a child or whether your DH in your life is enough to keep you happy.
If he isn't, it's time to move on.