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Original poster

DH is not "in love" with me anymore, but wants us to stay together

58 replies

Indigorain · 17/05/2023 17:22

I have been with my DH for 20 years. We have two dc and have had our fair share of ups and downs. I think we both had trauma from our childhoods, which played into a lot of dysfunctional relationship dynamics. Over lockdown things were awful between us and we almost broke up.

I have done a huge amount of work on myself with counselling etc and he has done some work too. I am now at a place where I just want a healthy, loving, honest relationship.

I have had a few conversations with my DH over the last few days, as I basically just feel disconnected from him. I feel he is "going through the motions" with me, eg he occasionally brings me a small bunch of supermarket flowers, but I don't feel he really cares. There is no spontaneous happiness or joy when he is with me, no passion or intimacy, no real interest in me as a person or what I am doing. No shared goals, dreams or interests. I think we both know we are now different people from when we met 20 years ago.

I kept thinking that if I kept trying, things would get better. But I spoke to him today, and said that basically I don't feel he really loves me, and hasn't done for a while. He admitted that this was true - he loves me as part of our family, but is not "in love" with me as he once was. He said his feelings changed as we used to have so many arguments.

I was upset but to be honest I had felt this for a while. He was then worried that he had told me this as he really wants our family to stay together for the sake of the children and finances. I also want to be together for those reasons, but I just don't know if I can stay long term with someone who doesn't love me for me. I thought I would be devastated to hear him say that he wasn't in love with me, but to be honest it was a kind of relief as I have felt it for such a long time, so it's confirmation of what I suspected.

I feel that now he has fallen out of love, it's very unlikely that he will fall back in love with me. My father didn't love me, and used to just tolerate me being there, and this is now how I feel it is with DH - it feels very painful.

Has anyone been in this position? Did you stay or leave? Financially, leaving would be very difficult - but I don't know if I can live like this for the rest of my life, not being loved by my DH.

OP posts:
ModeWeasel · 17/05/2023 17:25

Would he agree to couples therapy to find out whether you can refind your connection?

Backtothe90ties · 17/05/2023 17:28

Didn’t want to read and run OP but wanted to say this is really tough and you are entitled to feel however you want about it. It is clearly very triggering for you.

What I would say is that if both partners want to work on it, it is possible to fall in love again. This happened to me, similar situation to you as we had both been through trauma and counselling. Despite having some very difficult periods where we didn’t like each other we are very much loving and intimate. It is possible if that is what you both want.

Either way you deserve to be loved so don’t give up on that.

Hairbrushhandle · 17/05/2023 17:30

You say you've worked on yourselves but it doesn't sound like you've put time aside for eachother. Have you been out on dates? Gone away for a weekend? I would try these things for a few months before throwing in the towel. Maybe shake things up and go bowling, ice skating, anything to get out of the house and do something new to rekindle some fun.

AllAloneInThisHouse · 17/05/2023 17:30

I don’t understand this ’loves me’ and ’in love’ stuff.
What is the difference?
Isin’t it good that he loves you?
Whay more does anyone need?
I mean I know you said there where troubles, but those can be fixed, usually.

Pamspeople · 17/05/2023 17:32

How do you feel, OP, are you still "in love" with him? If not can you imagine it reigniting? I'm wondering if you're ready for more than he can offer you now

Baystar · 17/05/2023 17:33

I've also been with my partner for 20 years, we're not married but had we been I could have divorced him several times over. I'm glad therfore that we never married as despite the at times, very tough times we have also managed to bounce back and now we're probably more connected and stronger than we have ever been.
I agree with pp, that couples counselling may help both of you find that spark again but whatever you decide, you both need to be on the same page and willing to make a go of it, nothing to lose if you try and it doesn't work out, at least you tried.

SpacePotato · 17/05/2023 17:38

If you don't want to live with someone who is only there out of convenience,then you need to plan a future without him.

The children won't thank you for staying together.

Can you improve your financial situation?
You may be entitled to more benefits being a single parent etc.

mybestchildismycat · 17/05/2023 17:43

Are you "in love" with him though, OP? It sounds like you are being more proactive in the relationship, but is that because you, like him, want to stay together for the sake of your children and security?

Fartooold · 17/05/2023 17:52

Yes. I've been in this situation, but with a huge difference - my children were adults and were away from the family home, and I am considerably older than you probably are - this is huge.
In my case, it was me that actually left. I took a flat and was prepared to split completely, I am trying with the idea that I'm a sexual, because I had no interest whatsoever in getting into a new relationship.
However, I did miss the friendship and shared experience of my DH, so when he had a health scare, we decided to house share. We sold up the family home, relocated, have separate bedrooms, living areas ( although we always end up watching TV together) and have completely separate social lives, but do often go to dinner/concert/theatre together.
It works wonderfully for us, but if you are young and want a whole and complete life, bite the bullet and separate now. I think I probably would have been happier with a completely new life, but perfectly content with what I have. Twenty years ago, I would have gone down a totally different route.

Fartooold · 17/05/2023 17:52

*toying, not trying 🙄

Pamspeople · 17/05/2023 17:54

Fartooold · 17/05/2023 17:52

Yes. I've been in this situation, but with a huge difference - my children were adults and were away from the family home, and I am considerably older than you probably are - this is huge.
In my case, it was me that actually left. I took a flat and was prepared to split completely, I am trying with the idea that I'm a sexual, because I had no interest whatsoever in getting into a new relationship.
However, I did miss the friendship and shared experience of my DH, so when he had a health scare, we decided to house share. We sold up the family home, relocated, have separate bedrooms, living areas ( although we always end up watching TV together) and have completely separate social lives, but do often go to dinner/concert/theatre together.
It works wonderfully for us, but if you are young and want a whole and complete life, bite the bullet and separate now. I think I probably would have been happier with a completely new life, but perfectly content with what I have. Twenty years ago, I would have gone down a totally different route.

This sounds great!

PrinceHaz · 17/05/2023 17:57

I would be concerned that this will be a convenient arrangement for him for now but if he were to meet someone else, he’d be off.

Original poster
Indigorain · 17/05/2023 17:58

@ModeWeasel we have had couples counselling twice, the last sessions only ended about a month ago. Whenever I brought up the fact that I didn't feel connected or loved in a session, DH just said that he did love me. He's only just admitted that he isn't in love with me like he used to be.

@Backtothe90ties that's inspiring to hear that you and your DH fell back in love again. I do want it to happen, I just don't know if my DH wants to. I just don't know if it's possible if his feelings for me have shut off.

@Hairbrushhandle that's a good idea, we haven't done much fun stuff recently. I guess I have been avoiding spending too much time with him, as its painful as I feel he is distant from me, so it's catch 22.

@AllAloneInThisHouse there is a difference. I guess being in love is when you love someone for who they are, there is connection and intimacy, attraction, interest, care. My DH loves me as I am part of the family, eg I could be anyone, and he doesn't feel any of the things I have mentioned above.

@Pamspeople yes I am still in love with him, but I feel over the past couple of months I have almost been coming to terms with the fact that he doesn't love me, so I don't know how to feel really.

OP posts:
Sandylanes69 · 17/05/2023 17:59

AllAloneInThisHouse · 17/05/2023 17:30

I don’t understand this ’loves me’ and ’in love’ stuff.
What is the difference?
Isin’t it good that he loves you?
Whay more does anyone need?
I mean I know you said there where troubles, but those can be fixed, usually.

You don't understand the difference between romantic, passionate love and lukewarm "family" love?

standardduck · 17/05/2023 18:03

As sad as it is, you can't force him to fall in love again if he already checked out.

If he is still willing to try and reignite the spark, then there is still a chance.

If he resigned and only wants to stay together out of convenience, then I think your marriage is over and you need to decide what you want to do next.

NBLarsen · 17/05/2023 18:03

Don't stay together in a loveless marriage for your children. You may think it's the right thing to do, but growing up in that environment will destroy them.
I grew up with parents who had fallen out of love but stayed together "for our sake". They believed they got on well enough as friends to make it work but we kids could see right through the facade. The atmosphere was awful. I developed anxiety and I still dread spending time with either of my parents. It really affected how I see myself and how I form relationships myself. Don't do that to your kids.

Original poster
Indigorain · 17/05/2023 18:04

Thank you all for your posts and sharing your experiences. @Fartooold that does sound like a great set up!

@Sandylanes69 that's exactly it - DH's love for me is not romantic or passionate. And the question is, will it ever return to that, or if not, do I accept the lukewarm "family" love or do I leave? I still want a relationship where there is romance and passion, so I will have to see what happens.

OP posts:
allthewoes · 17/05/2023 18:05

I'm in this position and haven't been brave enough to do anything about it.

I think we both feel the same - disconnected, not sure if we love each other anymore, but not wanting to face the trauma of a split. I don't know what the answer is but I feel for you.

Original poster
Indigorain · 17/05/2023 18:07

@standardduck when I spoke to him today, he said that he was willing to try to rebuild our relationship. However I felt he was just saying that as he was worried that I would say I wanted to split up. I don't think it's because he particularly wants to be connected or have intimacy with me.

OP posts:
Summerslimtime · 17/05/2023 18:07

I wouldn't make any sudden moves, but would try and arrange separate lives under one roof. Separate bedrooms, only do your own washing etc. Then make another step after that.

Original poster
Indigorain · 17/05/2023 18:08

@NBLarsen sorry to hear about your experience. Did your parents split up in the end or are they still together?

OP posts:
Original poster
Indigorain · 17/05/2023 18:09

@allthewoes I really feel for you too - it's a horrible situation to be in.

OP posts:
Whitebeamtreelover · 17/05/2023 18:09

Are you genuinely still in love with him op? Him, not the idea of it? Are you genuinely feeling romance and passion to him?

Fartooold · 17/05/2023 18:11

Indigorain · 17/05/2023 18:04

Thank you all for your posts and sharing your experiences. @Fartooold that does sound like a great set up!

@Sandylanes69 that's exactly it - DH's love for me is not romantic or passionate. And the question is, will it ever return to that, or if not, do I accept the lukewarm "family" love or do I leave? I still want a relationship where there is romance and passion, so I will have to see what happens.

Seriously - you are young. If you still want passion and good sex, then make the break!
I am older and enjoy companionship on my terms, it works perfectly for both of us - probably happier now than ever have been, but if I had been younger with the balls to make the break, who knows what life I may have made 🙂

notwhatsoever · 17/05/2023 18:16

If you can leave, I would.

You don’t sound at all convinced that he wants it to work, just that he doesn’t want to lose his family set up or for life to become less financially secure for him.

If that’s the case it won’t work, and he is quite likely to leave you at some point in the future.