DH is not "in love" with me anymore, but wants us to stay together

[Indigorain]

I have been with my DH for 20 years. We have two dc and have had our fair share of ups and downs. I think we both had trauma from our childhoods, which played into a lot of dysfunctional relationship dynamics. Over lockdown things were awful between us and we almost broke up.

I have done a huge amount of work on myself with counselling etc and he has done some work too. I am now at a place where I just want a healthy, loving, honest relationship.

I have had a few conversations with my DH over the last few days, as I basically just feel disconnected from him. I feel he is "going through the motions" with me, eg he occasionally brings me a small bunch of supermarket flowers, but I don't feel he really cares. There is no spontaneous happiness or joy when he is with me, no passion or intimacy, no real interest in me as a person or what I am doing. No shared goals, dreams or interests. I think we both know we are now different people from when we met 20 years ago.

I kept thinking that if I kept trying, things would get better. But I spoke to him today, and said that basically I don't feel he really loves me, and hasn't done for a while. He admitted that this was true - he loves me as part of our family, but is not "in love" with me as he once was. He said his feelings changed as we used to have so many arguments.

I was upset but to be honest I had felt this for a while. He was then worried that he had told me this as he really wants our family to stay together for the sake of the children and finances. I also want to be together for those reasons, but I just don't know if I can stay long term with someone who doesn't love me for me. I thought I would be devastated to hear him say that he wasn't in love with me, but to be honest it was a kind of relief as I have felt it for such a long time, so it's confirmation of what I suspected.

I feel that now he has fallen out of love, it's very unlikely that he will fall back in love with me. My father didn't love me, and used to just tolerate me being there, and this is now how I feel it is with DH - it feels very painful.

Has anyone been in this position? Did you stay or leave? Financially, leaving would be very difficult - but I don't know if I can live like this for the rest of my life, not being loved by my DH.

The problem you have here OP is that you can't trust what he says. He has pretended for a long time to be in love with you, even lying at counselling - because he wants to keep you even though he's not interested in you and has been treating you pretty rubbishly. His behaviour has actually been incredibly selfish. And now if he says he does love you again you will never know if he's just pretending because he doesn't want you to leave.

Personally I don't think he's in a rut or that this is love that has just changed with time. I don't think he's attracted to you and as a result he's not that interested in you and I'm sorry to say I don't think you'll get that back. For him it sounds like it's now a marriage of convenience - and for now at least he likes the convenience.

Now you need to just do what's right for you OP. But think carefully before throwing your heart and soul into someone who has just been stringing you along for the last however long for their own convenience. You deserve a lot more than that - but maybe a marriage of convenience can be made to work for you for now, or an open marriage might be the answer or maybe you want to leave and find someone who does love you. Just take your time and put your wants and needs first.

I think this is so much more common than we realise.

I feel like that with my husband sometimes. It does feel more like a companionship but we have so many shared memories, we've built our lives and careers alongside each other, we (luckily) still have shared goals and dreams, and we also share a young child, which also adds a huge amount.

I think people set very high expectations on marriages in the beginning, almost have a 'checklist' and after many, many years together the checklist changes, and it throws many people off.

I'm not saying you should stay OP, because there are more factors at play here, but I do understand why it's a difficult decision. It is alot to throw away.

I think this is quite common in marriages. The issue arises if one of you at some point feels you need more and then look outside the marriage for that.

It's a lot to think about I know but I do think you should consider how things will feel when the children you are staying together for move on and leave the nest. What will that look like for both of you? Will you both be happy to stay together when that focus has gone?

I recommend reading Gottman books and finding a Gottman counsellor. It will be expensive but they focus on reconnecting, shared history, past good times etc not telling each other what you don’t like about each other. They work on building friendship and connection. Try the books you can pick up in the library or on Amazon.

i know this thread is old - but is anyone ‘in love’ after 20years? Surely not? Not the kind when you get knots in your belly when you see them, want to touch them all the time and walk around with a great big grin on your face! If we all stayed ‘in love’ nobody would ever get anything done! Just loving someone as in caring deeply for them because they are part of your life is surely enough? And after 20years the mist you could expect. I can’t stand my DH much of the time, he gets on my nerves but when he collapsed I felt a surge of panic and love that I didn’t know I had for him. But basically I stay with him for the kids, house, finances(mainly the finances- if I won a couple of million I’d leave immediately and live separately but close by for the kids to see him) but, I’d have a shitty house and have to go back to work if we split so we tick along, both have our own interests, we get along ok most if the time but have quite separate lives together, different friendship groups which have evolved through our different interests. And it’s fine. “In love” after 20years? The great and slightly odd minority I think.

You got to question that if your other half says he loves but his actions don't back it up then I would be questioning does he really, or is he telling you what you want to hear.?
For me it's not saying I love you that matters, it's showing it in everyday life, being thoughtful and considerate. But total honesty, it's better to be hurt with the truth than broken by a lie.

Is there a middle ground option OP. You split up but stay living together until the children are older - or either of you has had enough. Would that work?

I wouldn't feel good staying in this and I sense you know this isn't good for you. I don't believe men stay for the sake of the children. It sounds like convenience but I would be concerned about how and whether he will look elsewhere for sexual gratification tbh.

I'm a great believer in counselling. I'd go find a female counsellor and see her on your own to work your way through the options