DH is not "in love" with me anymore, but wants us to stay together

[Indigorain]

I have been with my DH for 20 years. We have two dc and have had our fair share of ups and downs. I think we both had trauma from our childhoods, which played into a lot of dysfunctional relationship dynamics. Over lockdown things were awful between us and we almost broke up.

I have done a huge amount of work on myself with counselling etc and he has done some work too. I am now at a place where I just want a healthy, loving, honest relationship.

I have had a few conversations with my DH over the last few days, as I basically just feel disconnected from him. I feel he is "going through the motions" with me, eg he occasionally brings me a small bunch of supermarket flowers, but I don't feel he really cares. There is no spontaneous happiness or joy when he is with me, no passion or intimacy, no real interest in me as a person or what I am doing. No shared goals, dreams or interests. I think we both know we are now different people from when we met 20 years ago.

I kept thinking that if I kept trying, things would get better. But I spoke to him today, and said that basically I don't feel he really loves me, and hasn't done for a while. He admitted that this was true - he loves me as part of our family, but is not "in love" with me as he once was. He said his feelings changed as we used to have so many arguments.

I was upset but to be honest I had felt this for a while. He was then worried that he had told me this as he really wants our family to stay together for the sake of the children and finances. I also want to be together for those reasons, but I just don't know if I can stay long term with someone who doesn't love me for me. I thought I would be devastated to hear him say that he wasn't in love with me, but to be honest it was a kind of relief as I have felt it for such a long time, so it's confirmation of what I suspected.

I feel that now he has fallen out of love, it's very unlikely that he will fall back in love with me. My father didn't love me, and used to just tolerate me being there, and this is now how I feel it is with DH - it feels very painful.

Has anyone been in this position? Did you stay or leave? Financially, leaving would be very difficult - but I don't know if I can live like this for the rest of my life, not being loved by my DH.

I was in a relationship like that. Luckily he forced my hand by having an affair so it was ‘easy’ in many ways to make the decision to leave. Best thing that ever happened to me, I am re-married in a relationship that is full of the passion and that in-love feeling that was missing from my life for years.

You only get one life. Can you see yourself staying with him for the rest of your life or will you always wonder what if?

I

They did split in the end but not until the youngest of us had finished university. They both instantly became much happier and nicer people apart, met new partners and enjoyed life. We siblings all wished they had split a decade or so earlier, so that we could have grown up with those happy separate parents instead of the unhappy together ones we lived with.

My father made it obvious that he no longer loved my mother when he attempted to abandon us on the other side of the world when I was 11. Even though he admitted to her that was what he'd tried to do - to the extent of even arranging new accommodation just for himself/not giving notice on his job - she still stayed with him.

They'd never been loving/affectionate to each other or to myself or my two brothers previous to this, but the lack of love between them definitely became more obvious afterwards. My father took work abroad as soon as he could and spent many years coming home only once a year. Even when I was in a serious car accident at 17 he didn't bother coming back. He finally left my mother - for another woman - 6 months after my younger brother turned 18...I was 21.

To be honest I look back now and feel that my whole childhood was a lie. It was so transparent they weren't happy together, my older brother has told his wife he has no happy memories of childhood. My mother stayed because of her religion (Catholic) but I can't help think that she would have been a lot happier ultimately if he had left a decade earlier.

Personally I would find it very hard to live with someone who has admitted they didn't love me.

More within the relationship.
But I guess it could include within family too.

But I don’t really have a hierarchy, if you may, when it comes to people I care about.

And also the ’love’ and ’in love’ mean very different things to people, even just MN, when this has been talked about, it varies so much.
And op answered what she means by it, and it’s totally valid, what that’s what I would call just plain horniness - and wouldn’t call it love or in love.
If I had to searched what ’in love’ means to me, I would say it’s something much deeper.
But that’s just me, of course.

Well it’s all fine and dandy until he meets someone else.

We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one” – Confucius.

I think people often remember the early days of their relationship when they describe ‘being in love’. With the butterflies, passion and craving for the other person.
I also think - that feeling can’t continue with the same intensity for 20+ years. And in a long term relationship that ‘in love’ feeling is replaced by a more mature love.

OP - what you are describing is a relationship that is in a bit of a rut. And possibly there is also some depression on his side, just judging by your description of him. Given you age, duration of your relationship; and the stresses of covid/lockdowns we had to live through - i think a lot of people’s relationships suffered this way.

I don’t think it’s hopeless. At a minimum - it’s worth you both trying to bring some joy to your lives and see if that reignites your relationship.

Why don't you consider an open relationship, separate rooms etc. Plenty of people do it.

I think relationship evolve into companionship and house shares for most people - is that so bad? I think you should start going out more without him, living a freeish life. Make fun without him.

@Whitebeamtreelover Right now, I feel confused. But there is definitely the potential for me to feel romance and passion towards him. I am still attracted to him, and would like emotional and physical intimacy, if I felt that he wanted to as well.

@Cupoftea80 I'm glad to hear that you are now in a lovely relationship. Can I see myself staying with him for the rest of my life? I feel so sad at the thought of splitting up, as I am very attached to him. But I feel equally sad at the thought of living like this for the rest of my life.

@thecatsmeows Sorry to hear about how your father was - strangely enough he sounds very similar to my father! And my mother was also religious which is partly also why I think she stayed with him.

@AllAloneInThisHouse I think horniness is (or can be) part of being "in love", but certainly not all - I would say it is also a deep connection, attraction, care for each other, interest in each other, making an effort, supporting each other. The more family type love that my DH says he feels for me is not like this, it feels more that he sees me as a co worker or flat mate.

@AllAloneInThisHouse IMHO-

Love= the person has fond feelings for the other person.

In love= they see the person as the romantic lead in their life (obviously this does maybe become more laid back over the years, but ideally not 100% disappear.)

Your children deserve to be in a home filled with love. You need to move toward a separation.

I’ve been married longer than you. I no longer love my DH, and I’ve told him, but we stay together for finances and company.
if I still wanted a sex life I’d have left years ago. You only get one short life, live it wisely.

Thanks for all the posts.

I think some PPs think it is just about me wanting a sex life/physical intimacy, but really that's only part of it. I would be ok to not have sex (if DH didn't want to) if DH still wanted emotional connection, was interested in me, we had fun together etc - but as I said, I feel more like his flat mate who he is not particularly bothered about. I don't think what we currently have is the mature love and companionship of some marriages (which maybe don't have the physical intimacy).

I understand OP. Of course you want to feel your husband thinks about you as his most special and has romantic feelings for you etc.

Honestly I would tell him to go even if just for a couple of weeks!

To give you some space & help to get your head round it all & for him to feel the loss of family life!

Don't let him tell you he doesn't love you & then continue to cook his tea & wash his clothes - tell him to do one!

I'd start putting my ducks in order because I wouldn't want to be married to someone who felt he was "doing his duty" by me. The relationship is a lie. You entered it thinking you and he were in love, sometimes we also don't want to admit the reality of the other person because sense it but we're too in love to face it.

He's obviously in love with this other woman and I would be seriously hurt by his words.

You need to find your anger OP. I feel he's taking you for a fool. You feel attracted to him but he doesn't feel the same way about you? This will destroy you if you stay. You're in dangerous territory here and the chances of him having an affair are very high if you both drift and you hope things will improve. You deserve more!

I left by the way. I carried on for years until I found out his "friend" was his affair partner. You don't need proof of anything like this. He's taking you for granted in the worst way.

We’re you ever both in love and connected the way you feel is missing now?

how would you feel if he had an affair?

How would he feel if you had an affair?

You deserve love OP not just to live out the rest of your life going through the motions for financial reasons
it sounds hard breaking financial ties,but it can be easily done as you both seem to be on the same page about your feelings with each other and remain on good terms
It’s like him asking you to stay friends with one another, and living in the house
you need to be made to feel as if you are loved, sexy, wanted not this
how do you know he would remain faithful if he if sees you as one of the family ?
being in love and loving someone it’s not necessarily different. Maybe you’re just too used to each other and need time apart in order to rediscover your feelings for each other. If you feel that this isn’t going to work then I think it’s best to part your Ways and live your life as it should be. You already spent years with your dad feeling unlovrf Why put yourself in that kind of situation again? Also not a good thing to teach children. X

Years ago it would have been suggested that you try dating each other again. After 20 years, many couples lose the spontaneity of the first flush of being in love.
Personally, I think that the fact that you care about each other is a base to start from. I think that you should give your relationship the same chance as you would give a new relationship. Go on dates. Text about things other than domestic. Have a weekend away if you can.

Good luck OP

Does this help OP:

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

― Louis de Bernières, Corelli's Mandolin