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Original poster

Uncomfortable with my partner’s female friend?

87 replies

Daisychain97 · 16/05/2023 20:15

Hi all,
Me and my partner have been together for 18 months now, we are serious and all is good. He is lovely in all ways.
We are in our mid-late 20s.

However, he has a female friend that makes me a bit uneasy?

They met about 4 years ago, they dated a little and then broke things off; obviously have slept together. She then came out as a lesbian and they started talking again about 2 years ago as friends.

My partner is not your typical ‘lad’, he is very in touch with his emotions and feminine side so has many female friends but something in my gut is weird about this one now. It’s not about how she acts, it’s about him. I’ll explain why.

Throughout our relationship I have never really thought anything of it or been bothered because obviously she is a lesbian now and has always had a girlfriend. They don’t hang out much, maybe once every 4/5 months? But they do text/call often. They used to see each other more often at the start of our relationship though.

However, she recently broke up with her girlfriend and asked him to go to a concert with her. When he mentioned the invite to me I thought nothing of it and said ‘ah that’d be great fun!’ - something like that. I honestly never even questioned their friendship so it was the same as him saying a guy friend had invited him out.

A few days later, he made a deal out of showing me the text he sent in reply. He essentially texted her back saying that he feels it wouldn’t be fair on me and would be inappropriate to go to a concert with her considering their past. I did not ask him to say this and have never said anything negative at all about their friendship so not sure where it came from. I feel he is overcompensating to hide something. Am I going crazy?

I actually thought saying this was weirder than going to the concert in the first place… If she is a lesbian and there is nothing going on, why would he even think that? Surely if there is no potential of anything, there’s no reason for it to be inappropriate?

Let me know your thoughts, is this weird?

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisychain97 · 16/05/2023 20:35

Daisychain97 · 16/05/2023 20:15

Hi all,
Me and my partner have been together for 18 months now, we are serious and all is good. He is lovely in all ways.
We are in our mid-late 20s.

However, he has a female friend that makes me a bit uneasy?

They met about 4 years ago, they dated a little and then broke things off; obviously have slept together. She then came out as a lesbian and they started talking again about 2 years ago as friends.

My partner is not your typical ‘lad’, he is very in touch with his emotions and feminine side so has many female friends but something in my gut is weird about this one now. It’s not about how she acts, it’s about him. I’ll explain why.

Throughout our relationship I have never really thought anything of it or been bothered because obviously she is a lesbian now and has always had a girlfriend. They don’t hang out much, maybe once every 4/5 months? But they do text/call often. They used to see each other more often at the start of our relationship though.

However, she recently broke up with her girlfriend and asked him to go to a concert with her. When he mentioned the invite to me I thought nothing of it and said ‘ah that’d be great fun!’ - something like that. I honestly never even questioned their friendship so it was the same as him saying a guy friend had invited him out.

A few days later, he made a deal out of showing me the text he sent in reply. He essentially texted her back saying that he feels it wouldn’t be fair on me and would be inappropriate to go to a concert with her considering their past. I did not ask him to say this and have never said anything negative at all about their friendship so not sure where it came from. I feel he is overcompensating to hide something. Am I going crazy?

I actually thought saying this was weirder than going to the concert in the first place… If she is a lesbian and there is nothing going on, why would he even think that? Surely if there is no potential of anything, there’s no reason for it to be inappropriate?

Let me know your thoughts, is this weird?

Just to add - this was prompted because I FaceTimed him tonight and she is at his house. They are sat on the sofa together alone.

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 16/05/2023 20:36

She isn't a Lesbian she is bi

AllAloneInThisHouse · 16/05/2023 20:42

he is very in touch with his emotions and feminine side so has many female friends

🚩🚩🚩🚩
Never met a man who fits this description and isin’t a huge mistake to know, nevermind get into a relationship with…

triplechocbrownie · 16/05/2023 20:45

So he told her he wouldn't go to the concert but now he's hanging out with her alone? Seems strange. I would bring it up with him

Usetherightgearforthehill · 16/05/2023 20:47

Seems a bit odd that he thinks it wouldnt be fair on you to attend a concert with her surrounded by people but its totally fine on you to be (I presume) alone in his house with her.

Although this could be a him problem more than a her problem. Her being a lesbian might not stop him from fancying her

iamsmaller1 · 16/05/2023 20:52

AllAloneInThisHouse · 16/05/2023 20:42

he is very in touch with his emotions and feminine side so has many female friends

🚩🚩🚩🚩
Never met a man who fits this description and isin’t a huge mistake to know, nevermind get into a relationship with…

This...100 times over

Shapemyeyebrows · 16/05/2023 21:09

@Daisychain97 I think most people would be more bothered about them being sat on the sofa together alone at his house rather than going to a concert together. So yes something sounds a bit fishy that he made a big deal about showing you that message yet thinks a cosy night in together is fine.

GabrielleLegs · 16/05/2023 21:10

The main thing is that your gut is telling you that something, somewhere is 'off' even if you can't put your finger on that. Always listen to your gut!!

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 16/05/2023 21:14

What did he say when you questioned him about it?

AncientBallerina · 16/05/2023 21:14

iamsmaller1 · 16/05/2023 20:52

This...100 times over

Show quote history

Agree - he might be in touch with his emotions but is he in touch with yours?

Original poster
Daisychain97 · 16/05/2023 21:16

Shapemyeyebrows · 16/05/2023 21:09

@Daisychain97 I think most people would be more bothered about them being sat on the sofa together alone at his house rather than going to a concert together. So yes something sounds a bit fishy that he made a big deal about showing you that message yet thinks a cosy night in together is fine.

sorry totally forgot to add this:
A male friend of mine who I have been friends with for over 10 years recently broke up with his girlfriend and started leaning on me in a girlfriendy way and started trying to flirt with me, even suggesting we should get married which was apparently ‘a joke’.
I told my boyfriend and shut it down immediately with the friend, cutting contact because the friendship was inappropriate whilst I’m in a relationship.

when my boyfriend showed me the texts, he referenced back to me cutting off my male friend.

All a bit odd.

I don’t think she’s a lesbian either I think she’s bisexual, considering she was still sleeping with men up until age 22. But who am I to say.
Worried he’s just saying she’s a lesbian so he can continue being friends with her without drama because he’s slept with her.

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 16/05/2023 21:17

Unless she is currently sleeping with him, I wouldn’t really care.

Original poster
Daisychain97 · 16/05/2023 21:18

I am yet to ask him, I honestly thought after that they wouldn’t see eachother but tonight has thrown me. I asked him to give me a call for a proper catch up when she has gone home - I’ll bring it up then x

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 16/05/2023 21:26

I think he feels since you cut your male friend out of your life then maybe he should distance himself for her. You didn’t ask for him to say no to the concert but he’s said no and made a bigger deal about it to her. It feels almost as if he’s pretending. If my dh felt a woman was getting too close to him then he’d just reject the invite but say to me he’s cutting contact, he wouldn’t need to tell her all of it.

The fact that he’s said he can’t go to a public concert with her but can just hang out in his house seems really weird . Trust your gut! Ask him what’s going on

Shapemyeyebrows · 16/05/2023 21:39

@Daisychain97 I would say given the fact he’s had a sexual relationship with her in the past he should be respectful to you and not blur the lines. I would say sitting in his house alone with her taking you by surprise when you FaceTimed him is not him having boundaries in place or being respectful of you. As others have said - trust your gut. If you feel something is off then it usually is!

MsDogLady · 16/05/2023 22:04

So she is actually bisexual and they share a history. It sounds like their attraction has been rekindled, and he used the concert message as a cover to throw you off the scent. Their cozy alone time on the sofa is very telling.

Talk to him but don’t let him make a mockery of you, Daisychain.

Gothambutnotahamster · 16/05/2023 22:24

MsDogLady · 16/05/2023 22:04

So she is actually bisexual and they share a history. It sounds like their attraction has been rekindled, and he used the concert message as a cover to throw you off the scent. Their cozy alone time on the sofa is very telling.

Talk to him but don’t let him make a mockery of you, Daisychain.

Totally agree with this!

LostGirl7 · 16/05/2023 22:26

Why?

Original poster
Daisychain97 · 16/05/2023 22:53

update:
I asked him about it and he got really annoyed. Basically saying how he thought I’d be angry if he went to the concert with her, even though I’ve never once had a second thought about their friendship or said anything negative to him…
He basically said my behaviour made him not go to the concert with her and is making me out to be some crazy controlling lady who can’t stand him having female friends… Is this gaslighting? I’m definitely not this person.
I’m so baffled because I have never had a problem with them before this!
He has now said he doesn’t want to talk to me and has blocked me. He is angry at me for apparently accusing him of something going on with her when I literally just voiced how I felt and my confusion that she was sat on his sofa…
For me, if it’s inappropriate enough not to go to a concert, it’s inappropriate enough to not be friends at all. In a relationship you should only be friends with people who you are fully platonic with and you should be able to do anything with someone you’re platonic with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisychain97 · 16/05/2023 22:57

Copy of the text he sent to her about the concert:

I’ve kind of thought about it and I know you're a massive gay, but if Daisy was going to a concert with an ex it would make me feel a little uncomfortable.
Like if you had a girlfriend I think it would be different but because you're recently single and we used to date i feel like it's something that could bother Daisy because it's something that would defo bother me. She has in no way said to me we can't be friends or that I can't go, but I don't want to give her a reason to start doubting our friendship. Recently her best male friend has started flirting with her and it turns out he's basically been inlove with her their whole friendship so it all kind of comes at a mad time. It doesn't affect how you and me are or us spending time together, but I just don't want to give Daisy a reason to mistrust why we are friends. I'm not at all saying that's what could happen or is happening with us cause I adore yah, but because of what's going on with her friend I know it's a possibility.
At the same time like I said, if it was the other way round, it would bug me if she was essentially having a concert date night with an ex (obvs I know it's not). But I have to act in my
relationship how I would want her to.

So yeh you know I adore yah and nothings changed, still wanna see yah as soon as your back and catch up

OP posts:
UndercoverCop · 16/05/2023 23:05

He's a twat, and he fancies her.

As an aside people saying no she's bi, that's not necessarily the case, one of my good friends who I used to live with dated boys, she had a longish relationship with a male from 17-20 ish, they broke up she came out, she's never dated, kissed or looked at a man since. She's 40 now and married to a woman. I absolutely would not describe her as bisexual and neither would she. She dated males when she was young before she was fully comfortable with her sexuality, because that's what everyone else was doing. She's 100% gay.

bvetr · 16/05/2023 23:08

How come you have the text he sent?

Original poster
Daisychain97 · 16/05/2023 23:14

He sent me a screenshot of it to defend himself. After reading, it just shows that he knows their relationship isn’t platonic and he’s trying not to make it too obvious to me so that’s why he’s cancelling

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 16/05/2023 23:19

seems to me that he was obliquely hinting to her that he was up for being more than friends.

I e. 'going somewhere with you would be difficult because I want to shag you/we want to shag each other.'

He obviously didn't mean that he didn't want to do anything potentially inappropriate with her, because now he's spending time alone with her.

ganvough · 16/05/2023 23:21

Ugh yeah he fancies her. Completely ridiculous text to send her and even worse he's blaming you essentially by bringing your name into it.

But he blocked you when you asked him??? Really?? Please dump him, anyone incapable of communicating or having an argument by blocking is a red flag to be avoided. He's defensive and shady coz he knows how he feels about her.