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Original poster

Uncomfortable with my partner’s female friend?

87 replies

Daisychain97 · 16/05/2023 20:15

Hi all,
Me and my partner have been together for 18 months now, we are serious and all is good. He is lovely in all ways.
We are in our mid-late 20s.

However, he has a female friend that makes me a bit uneasy?

They met about 4 years ago, they dated a little and then broke things off; obviously have slept together. She then came out as a lesbian and they started talking again about 2 years ago as friends.

My partner is not your typical ‘lad’, he is very in touch with his emotions and feminine side so has many female friends but something in my gut is weird about this one now. It’s not about how she acts, it’s about him. I’ll explain why.

Throughout our relationship I have never really thought anything of it or been bothered because obviously she is a lesbian now and has always had a girlfriend. They don’t hang out much, maybe once every 4/5 months? But they do text/call often. They used to see each other more often at the start of our relationship though.

However, she recently broke up with her girlfriend and asked him to go to a concert with her. When he mentioned the invite to me I thought nothing of it and said ‘ah that’d be great fun!’ - something like that. I honestly never even questioned their friendship so it was the same as him saying a guy friend had invited him out.

A few days later, he made a deal out of showing me the text he sent in reply. He essentially texted her back saying that he feels it wouldn’t be fair on me and would be inappropriate to go to a concert with her considering their past. I did not ask him to say this and have never said anything negative at all about their friendship so not sure where it came from. I feel he is overcompensating to hide something. Am I going crazy?

I actually thought saying this was weirder than going to the concert in the first place… If she is a lesbian and there is nothing going on, why would he even think that? Surely if there is no potential of anything, there’s no reason for it to be inappropriate?

Let me know your thoughts, is this weird?

OP posts:

Charliescat · 16/05/2023 23:21

Oh fuck that there’s better men out there than him leave him to her any guy who adores another woman friend or not is not one I would want to waste time on

Dotcheck · 16/05/2023 23:26

Hmmm

I reckon the text he sent her has nothing to do with you. He’s trying to show her that he is an amazing, thoughtful boyfriend- he’s making a play.
He showed you so you would lower your guard ( if they were raised).

Yes, he was gaslighting you.
This dude is big trouble. Exit stage left, I think.

Pinkbonbon · 16/05/2023 23:40

Huh...I'd think this was brilliant if a bf did this for me. Respectful of him.

Of course I'd question why he originally invited me and then cancelled on her giving me as the reason. That is odd. Maybe he just didbt want to go and was using respect for you as his cop out.

That asside though I'd be grateful a guy had the respect for me not to hang about with his bi ex. Shows decency imo.

Original poster

Daisychain97 · 16/05/2023 23:42

That’s what I thought! I was super happy about it, until he hung out with her again…

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 16/05/2023 23:52

Daisychain97 · 16/05/2023 23:42

That’s what I thought! I was super happy about it, until he hung out with her again…

Hmm...in that case my guess would be - narcissistic triangulation.

When they deliberately try to play you off against/make you feel threatened by another women. Try to make you "paranoid" that there's something going on. Or make you feel like 'why am I not enough'.

Usually it's done by playing you off against the ex.

He mentioned inviting you to put her on your radar. Then he messaged her the thing about it not being respectful to you for him to go. To out it in your mind there could be reason to worry if he did go. Then he starts seeing her again. And can complain you are paranoid if you do raise it as inappropriate now 'because you saw me text her before about appropriateness'.

Basically it's a tactic to make you insecure.

Or he could just be thinking of shagging her tbf.

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 16/05/2023 23:54

The level of overthinking and over explaining and thinking for you, rather than asking your opinion, would drive me crazy.

Blocking you and being dramatic rather than having a conversation would also piss me off.

His set comes across as some sort of blurb on a late night US shopping channel!!

"I am a fabulous boyfriend, so considerate, respectful and could be yours too if you judt call me now. Of course, I don't want her thinking I'd sleep with you but I'll just throw it in just because I'm not thinking about it at all!!!"

He's a twat

DelphiniumBlue · 17/05/2023 00:01

Well he's blocked you now, so presumably that means it's over between you, and your gut instinct was correct. If he wasn't feeling guilty he wouldn't feel the need to block you.
It's a bit of an over reaction to you wanting to discuss the issue- don't think of getting back with him, his aim was to stop you asking questions.

Original poster

Daisychain97 · 17/05/2023 00:19

he does this if we argue, block and then replies the next day.
he’s literally mad at me for even having the audacity to ask him and annoyed for not trusting him
I can kinda see his point of view and I really want to believe him but I can’t fight this gut feeling

OP posts:

shieldmaiden7 · 17/05/2023 00:20

Honestly I would use his childish outburst of blocking you as a exit as I truly believe he has a thing for her and the stress and heartache that come with that in relationships isn't worth it. His text is a mask to show you he's doing the same as what you did with your friend who got to close when he really isn't. He's trying to trick you into trusting him around her so he can have his cake and eat it.

MsDogLady · 17/05/2023 00:46

Daisy, he is indeed gaslighting by accusing you of being a controlling shrew, when you’d actually said, “Ah that’d be great fun!” about their attending the concert.

His verbose message shows that he does fancy her, but he’s hoping to hide this from you in plain sight. You were entirely reasonable to question the incongruity of that message vs the 1:1 couch scenario. He’s furious that you’ve rumbled his duplicitous agenda.

Daisy, please don’t waste one more day on this player.

CheekyHobson · 17/05/2023 01:34

he does this if we argue, block and then replies the next day.

he’s literally mad at me for even having the audacity to ask him and annoyed for not trusting him

Massive signs of emotional immaturity and instability, not being able to feel negative emotions but then calm down and treat a partner appropriately.

You don't get angry with someone you love and are in a serious relationship with when they ask you a question about something that's bugging them and they are feeling insecure about.

You listen to their concerns and give them reassurances so you can move forward together in a closer way.

Shutting down the conversation and blocking you is a clear sign that he's got a whole lot of confused and anxiety-provoking feelings going on that he doesn't want to face up to.

barmycatmum · 17/05/2023 01:47

I would have been ok with all of this, thinking he was just being overly careful, until he fucking blocked you.
partners should be able to communicate about uncomfortable subjects. He’s an immature ass and he needs dumping.

he may or may not be interested in her (your gut is worth listening to- it really doesn’t matter that I, a stranger on the internet, don’t get that vibe)

but what REALLY matters is that 1) he’s not actually in touch with his feminine side. Nothing he’s done here is sensitive to anyone but himself.

he is, in fact, deeply in the immature masculine. Which cannot tolerate questioning, and behaves in this unilateral fashion - he is NOT working in partnership (let alone mature partnership) with you.

the rest is a smokescreen, although yes, the immature masculine is very inclined to hiding things rather than facing a conflict.

dump him. sorry. But massive ick

Fraaahnces · 17/05/2023 01:50

Block him back… he’s a manipulative, self-absorbed twat. Also, his texts are appalling.

GracePalmer33 · 17/05/2023 02:04

I would absolutely ditch him. 1000 red flags in his treatment towards you since, never mind the original message which is weird as hell.
Blocking you?? Na.

standardduck · 17/05/2023 02:21

He sounds immature.

I would not be fine with someone blocking and unblocking me every time we have an argument.

It sounds too dramatic and childish to work out long term.

Boomshock · 17/05/2023 02:39

Daisychain97 · 16/05/2023 22:53

update:
I asked him about it and he got really annoyed. Basically saying how he thought I’d be angry if he went to the concert with her, even though I’ve never once had a second thought about their friendship or said anything negative to him…
He basically said my behaviour made him not go to the concert with her and is making me out to be some crazy controlling lady who can’t stand him having female friends… Is this gaslighting? I’m definitely not this person.
I’m so baffled because I have never had a problem with them before this!
He has now said he doesn’t want to talk to me and has blocked me. He is angry at me for apparently accusing him of something going on with her when I literally just voiced how I felt and my confusion that she was sat on his sofa…
For me, if it’s inappropriate enough not to go to a concert, it’s inappropriate enough to not be friends at all. In a relationship you should only be friends with people who you are fully platonic with and you should be able to do anything with someone you’re platonic with.

Yes, it's gaslighting.

You didn't make him feel like he couldn't go.
He made a big song and dance out of it being inappropriate which is why he didn't go, he then did something more inappropriate because he knew it would confuse you after he had already made such a big song and dance out of how inappropriate it would be to be alone together.

Then when you question it, he makes out you're crazy and controlling and you're left wondering what the hell went on.

Make no mistake, he engineered this scenario and he wanted you to question him about it.

MsDogLady · 17/05/2023 03:59

Daisy, this guy is immature and highly manipulative. If you dare to question him, his tactic to get you back in line is to dismiss your feelings, shift the blame, and block you until he deigns you worthy to speak to again.

I hope you will come to realize that he is a huge liability to your well-being and peace of mind.

Awoooga · 17/05/2023 04:24

It’s lucky he blocked you, even if nothing weird is going on between them he sounds like a right dick and a bucket load of drama, move on.

InWalksBarberalla · 17/05/2023 04:34

Good lord, if that is his normal texting style I'd dump him anyway.

barmycatmum · 17/05/2023 04:34

InWalksBarberalla · 17/05/2023 04:34

Good lord, if that is his normal texting style I'd dump him anyway.

Agreed - he sounds dim

IceStationHorse · 17/05/2023 05:00

For blocking you and using the word "yah" he needs to be dumped forever!

autienotnaughtym · 17/05/2023 05:10

His reaction to attack you verbally and then block you would be enough for me. I wouldn't entertain this long term.

Sorchamarie · 17/05/2023 09:01

"He blocked you when you asked him??? Really?? Please dump him, anyone incapable of communicating or having an argument by blocking is a red flag to be avoided. He's defensive and shady coz he knows how he feels about her".

This OP. This behaviour of your boyfriend's is really really shit and you will be only signing up for more of the same (and quite likely being cheated on) if you don't make this the final time you let him get away with treating you badly. Please work on some healthy boundaries for future relationships and good luck!

readbooksdrinktea · 17/05/2023 09:11

Daisychain97 · 17/05/2023 00:19

Why are you with such a childish person?

Pinkdelight3 · 17/05/2023 09:17

His ridiculously overlong message to her makes no sense as it ends -

So yeh you know I adore yah and nothings changed, still wanna see yah as soon as your back and catch up

Huh? So all that overthinking about how one shouldn't hang out with exs but - um - nothing's changed and they're going to hang out asap?

He's thick for a kick off. And wants the kudos of putting you first (which you never asked him to do in this situation), while actually putting him and her first and carrying on as normal. By his logic, you should be going for a catch-up with your ex and hanging out on the sofa together. But that would be petty.

Anyway, I couldn't be doing with the drama of an idiot who plays up like this and blocks me then expects everything to be fine. This isn't about the friend. It's about him being a self-important prick.

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