Page 3 | Uncomfortable with my partner’s female friend?

Daisychain97 · 2023-05-16T19:15:06+00:00

Hi all, Me and my partner have been together for 18 months now, we are serious and all is good. He is lovely in all ways. We are in our mid-late 20s. However, he has a female friend that makes me a bit uneasy? They met about 4 years ago, they dated a little and then broke things off; obviously have slept together. She then came out as a lesbian and they started talking again about 2 years ago as friends. My partner is not your typical ‘lad’, he is very in touch with his emotions and feminine side so has many female friends but something in my gut is weird about this one now. It’s not about how she acts, it’s about him. I’ll explain why. Throughout our relationship I have never really thought anything of it or been bothered because obviously she is a lesbian now and has always had a girlfriend. They don’t hang out much, maybe once every 4/5 months? But they do text/call often. They used to see each other more often at the start of our relationship though. However, she recently broke up with her girlfriend and asked him to go to a concert with her. When he mentioned the invite to me I thought nothing of it and said ‘ah that’d be great fun!’ - something like that. I honestly never even questioned their friendship so it was the same as him saying a guy friend had invited him out. A few days later, he made a deal out of showing me the text he sent in reply. He essentially texted her back saying that he feels it wouldn’t be fair on me and would be inappropriate to go to a concert with her considering their past. I did not ask him to say this and have never said anything negative at all about their friendship so not sure where it came from. I feel he is overcompensating to hide something. Am I going crazy? I actually thought saying this was weirder than going to the concert in the first place… If she is a lesbian and there is nothing going on, why would he even think that? Surely if there is no potential of anything, there’s no reason for it to be inappropriate? Let me know your thoughts, is this weird?

AnyMucca · 17/05/2023 09:36

Looks like he's playing you both. Testing the water with her by hinting there's something to be jealous over while covering his back with you.
"it looks suspicious if we go to this busy concert together, come over to mine instead" slips on soft music and candles.

Oh and "and I know you're a massive gay" what is he, 12?

LadyH846 · 17/05/2023 09:42

All is NOT good in this relationship.

You deserve much better.

He shouldn't be blocking you for asking about his sofa time with her. That is immature behaviour.

He is playing you.

Chatillon · 17/05/2023 10:11

ZekeZeke · 16/05/2023 20:36

She isn't a Lesbian she is bi

Exactly. Even a 'lesbian' likes a bit of cock once in a while.

Original poster

Daisychain97 · 17/05/2023 11:50

For anyone interested, here is his response. Last night I essentially said to him what you have all said. That he sowed doubt in my mind about their friendship and now is angry that I even have the audacity to question it. I asked for reassurance and an explanation.
can I also make another point that I have never had an issue with any of his female friends, other than asking for reassurance in the past about how platonic their friendships are.

his reply:
I didn't block you, I turned my phone off and went to sleep. I'm on my way to work and don't want to talk about this anymore. But the fact you're using the word gaslighting when you are litterally the one gaslighting is hilarious. I'm honestly shocked in the way you've acted. I am in no way in the wrong and there is zero responsibility to take
You can dissect messages all you want but quite frankly the way yovue responded last night is imatture, controlling and gaslighting
You can read my message over and over again because that is all I have to say
I was being respectful because of your specific tendency to bully and accuse me of having sexual thoughts or feelings towards female friends. That is a complete fact.
And I have no interest in talking to you until you're the one who takes responsibility. Last night you were rude, accused me of cheating on you and then decided to try and gaslight me by saying how you may as well talk to Jack again if I’m seeing her.
When I showed my roomates the messages before I went to sleep, everyone see's 0% fault in anything on my end and feel like you're being imatture.This exact mentality and way you have acted is one of the exact problems we've had our entire relationship and I'm not putting up with it any longer or standing for it. And tbh I don't want to see you this weekend, I think it's best we take some time as tbh l'm not tolerating the way you've acted or the shit yovue given me for this. I'm not continuing this argument today
so if you want to I get off work at 7pm

OP posts:

standardduck · 17/05/2023 11:53

Wow. I would not even bother with replying to him. Block and move on.

Beeinalily · 17/05/2023 11:57

Throw it back.

Leapintothelightning · 17/05/2023 12:00

Daisychain97 · 17/05/2023 11:50

For anyone interested, here is his response. Last night I essentially said to him what you have all said. That he sowed doubt in my mind about their friendship and now is angry that I even have the audacity to question it. I asked for reassurance and an explanation.
can I also make another point that I have never had an issue with any of his female friends, other than asking for reassurance in the past about how platonic their friendships are.

his reply:
I didn't block you, I turned my phone off and went to sleep. I'm on my way to work and don't want to talk about this anymore. But the fact you're using the word gaslighting when you are litterally the one gaslighting is hilarious. I'm honestly shocked in the way you've acted. I am in no way in the wrong and there is zero responsibility to take
You can dissect messages all you want but quite frankly the way yovue responded last night is imatture, controlling and gaslighting
You can read my message over and over again because that is all I have to say
I was being respectful because of your specific tendency to bully and accuse me of having sexual thoughts or feelings towards female friends. That is a complete fact.
And I have no interest in talking to you until you're the one who takes responsibility. Last night you were rude, accused me of cheating on you and then decided to try and gaslight me by saying how you may as well talk to Jack again if I’m seeing her.
When I showed my roomates the messages before I went to sleep, everyone see's 0% fault in anything on my end and feel like you're being imatture.This exact mentality and way you have acted is one of the exact problems we've had our entire relationship and I'm not putting up with it any longer or standing for it. And tbh I don't want to see you this weekend, I think it's best we take some time as tbh l'm not tolerating the way you've acted or the shit yovue given me for this. I'm not continuing this argument today
so if you want to I get off work at 7pm

Yeah fuck that. I'd be responding saying that it's over and blocking him. This isn't a relationship you want to stay in.

monsteramunch · 17/05/2023 12:02

"We don't need a break, I think it's best we just call it a day as it's not working for me. All the best."

Send and block.

Couldn't be arsed with doing anything else tbh!

Manichean · 17/05/2023 12:11

Well he is all kinds of a cunt, but a world class one for showing his room mates your message. Dump him now.

SpringCherryPie · 17/05/2023 12:14

AllAloneInThisHouse · 16/05/2023 20:42

he is very in touch with his emotions and feminine side so has many female friends

🚩🚩🚩🚩
Never met a man who fits this description and isin’t a huge mistake to know, nevermind get into a relationship with…

Absolutely this.

My father has said this also, that he ‘just gets on so much better with women’ and it’s because he loves the attention and is a womaniser. Red flag.

readbooksdrinktea · 17/05/2023 12:37

Dump. Absolutely move on.

MsDogLady · 17/05/2023 12:41

Daisy, you’d be a fool to continue with this loser.

Shapemyeyebrows · 17/05/2023 13:30

@Daisychain97 This is one of those men who will have you doubting your sanity. Don’t try and change him or reason with him because you will just get more and more frustrated. Just let him go and move on.

Mom2K · 17/05/2023 13:59

"We don't need a break, I think it's best we just call it a day as it's not working for me. All the best."

I'd be doing this too. ^^

And I'd not be roped back in by any further manipulation. Send it and block.

Seas164 · 17/05/2023 14:08

Christ alive no. He is not worth spending another five minutes on, never mind being in a relationship with.

Move on, without him. What a headwrecker.

Mom2K · 17/05/2023 14:08

And tbh I don't want to see you this weekend, I think it's best we take some time as tbh l'm not tolerating the way you've acted or the shit yovue given me for this. I'm not continuing this argument today
so if you want to I get off work at 7pm

Everything about this guy is head games and gaslighting. Saying he doesn't want to see you or speak to you until you take responsibility is punishment and designed to keep you squarely in the wrong and him keeping the upper hand, instead of discussing and resolving the situation like adults.

Also why is he saying he wants a break and doesn't want to see you this weekend but then telling you he gets off work at 7? Seems he has a pattern for saying a load of gaslighting nonsense to make himself superior and then contradicting himself at the end like he did in the message to his lesbian friend. He is full of it. Seriously hun, get rid. You can do better than him.

Original poster

Daisychain97 · 17/05/2023 14:17

Update: he has called me and I thought he would have changed his tune. Unfortunately it was just the same thing over the phone.
I said to him we obviously have different ways of thinking and I’m open to hearing him out if he would like to make amends and change his behaviour but otherwise we are over. He has left some stuff at mine and is in the area Friday for work so I have said he can either talk to me positively or I can leave the bag on the porch. X

OP posts:

Seas164 · 17/05/2023 14:19

Leave the bag on the porch, don't give him any more airtime.

Pinkbonbon · 17/05/2023 14:35

Anyone else hearing Katy Perry going 'you're hot and your cold, you're...'

Seriously he's a headworker.
Another vote for leaving his stuff on the porch.

Seas164 · 17/05/2023 15:02

I'm not tolerating the way you've acted or the shit you've given me.... until 7pm tonight, when I will have had some time to work out how I'm going to spin things to my advantage and you'll have had some time to doubt yourself based on what I've said so far.

Honestly OP, this isn't it. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong, don't get caught up on who said what. This feels like bullshit, because it's bullshit, and that's a good reason to call it a day and move on. Do not stay around trying to wrestle this one out with him, if this is the way he resolves fairly simple conflict the relationship isn't worth pursuing. Unless you like feeling like this.

CreamTeaThievery · 17/05/2023 15:04

Oh good lord, please, please leave his things on his own step whilst he is at work and block him.

He will mess you about and cheat on you and never ever admit to any wrong doing.

Run away, fast!

Original poster

Daisychain97 · 17/05/2023 15:32

Thank you all. I honestly have a tendency to believe what people say and forgive people out of just wanting things to get better. Your comments give me the strength to be reminded what he is doing is wrong and to get away. Thank you so much

OP posts:

Shapemyeyebrows · 17/05/2023 15:35

@Daisychain97 This is just a sign of things to come. He is teaching you not to raise any issues. If you do, he will spin your head so you end up apologising to make things “right”.

Franxx68 · 17/05/2023 16:25

Why do women keep a relationship going with a man who has a tantrum, blocks you and then on replies back the following day when he's ready?

I could never.

Sorry OP but the man sounds pathetic.

Boomshock · 17/05/2023 17:07

Daisychain97 · 17/05/2023 11:50

For anyone interested, here is his response. Last night I essentially said to him what you have all said. That he sowed doubt in my mind about their friendship and now is angry that I even have the audacity to question it. I asked for reassurance and an explanation.
can I also make another point that I have never had an issue with any of his female friends, other than asking for reassurance in the past about how platonic their friendships are.

his reply:
I didn't block you, I turned my phone off and went to sleep. I'm on my way to work and don't want to talk about this anymore. But the fact you're using the word gaslighting when you are litterally the one gaslighting is hilarious. I'm honestly shocked in the way you've acted. I am in no way in the wrong and there is zero responsibility to take
You can dissect messages all you want but quite frankly the way yovue responded last night is imatture, controlling and gaslighting
You can read my message over and over again because that is all I have to say
I was being respectful because of your specific tendency to bully and accuse me of having sexual thoughts or feelings towards female friends. That is a complete fact.
And I have no interest in talking to you until you're the one who takes responsibility. Last night you were rude, accused me of cheating on you and then decided to try and gaslight me by saying how you may as well talk to Jack again if I’m seeing her.
When I showed my roomates the messages before I went to sleep, everyone see's 0% fault in anything on my end and feel like you're being imatture.This exact mentality and way you have acted is one of the exact problems we've had our entire relationship and I'm not putting up with it any longer or standing for it. And tbh I don't want to see you this weekend, I think it's best we take some time as tbh l'm not tolerating the way you've acted or the shit yovue given me for this. I'm not continuing this argument today
so if you want to I get off work at 7pm

All of that is straight from the gaslighters handbook.
Continued, repeated gaslighting.
Turning it all back around on you.
Telling you that everyone else thinks you're mad.

There is no point in speaking to him. Gaslighters don't stop gaslighting because you ask them to. You can't reason with them.