Am I just going to be alone forever?

[Mollylegs]

My husband left me 8 months ago, I am still devastated. We had been together 21 years and the whole thing has just been a nightmare. I'm 50 years old and i'm now facing the rest of my life alone. My son 19 still lives at home but I know he will leave at some point. My husband left me for somebody else and I know I won't trust anyone again so guess I will just have to be lonely. I know thats a big problem and it's my own fault. I was wondering if anyone my age has any advice? Am I just going to be on my own forever?

I am your age. I am a divorced single parent with very many medical conditions. There have been some dating episodes since my divorce at 40. Honestly, I wish I hadn't bothered as they were all unsuitable in one way or another. My marriage dissolved due to loss of trust and lies. I haven't got the magic answer for you. I can tell you that being single is not some hideous leprosy. You need to carve out a life for yourself, and pursue your interests. This is how you meet people. I do some studies, and try to follow some hobbies because that is 'me' time. I am not a great socialiser so I often meet my needs on online classes. I do not expect to find another long term partner and don't wish to live with someone or get married. I have been underwhelmed by the quality of men who are single at mid-life. I don't want to be a financial sponsor, career advisor, landlady, childminder etc. I have come to accept that you can be happy on your own, and in some ways it is just easier than being in a relationship (esp. an unhappy one).

After such a long marriage maybe some time on your own will be good for you! Being in a partnership isn't everything. I'm 44 and been single 10 years (single parent, no means to date!). Tried online dating, it was awful. Now mostly happy on my own. Not always easy as a single parent but much more sure of myself and certain of myself now.

Pursue your own interests, rediscover who you are (you probably lost a lot of that in marriage) and remember what makes you you again. Have fun being single. Don't look at it as bad.

Also, dating is awful. I'd honestly rather be single than do online dating. It is so terrible.

Op, do you think there's a bottomless pool of suitable, attractive men waiting for you on OLD? Going by personal experiences as well as countless, overwhelming, anecdotal stories from others, it is a cesspit of mostly badly ageing men rejected most probably for a reason, emotionally stunted, bitter, jaded by life....do you want one of these men?? Previous posters are correct in saying that being single isn't a state that one is in temporarily until one finds a relationship again. Being single, not lonely, as that's a different thing, can be a very fulfilling state of being. Not looking for anyone and not feeling like anything is missing. Do you have other relationships that you can continue to foster that will ensure you have an emotionally fulfilling life?

So sorry you went through that. 😢 It's still early days OP, you won't feel this bad forever. X

Hi @porridgeisbae To be honest, I don't want anyone else, I suppose I'm just lonely. Unfortunately for me we moved to be closer to my mother in law when my son was 5 as he had massive sleep issues and my husband worked away and I needed support. So now my MIL and SIL have decided that i'm not worth their time now. I don't have any friends here and just sit in the house with no one to talk to, I miss my husband and i used to see my MIL every day so I feel like I have lost my family. My husband cheated but he told my inlaws he had only just met this person, he's their son and they have taken his side and they chose to believe him. I kind of feel like they have all let me down, thanks for taking time to reply xx

My friend is going through something similar. She is a couple of years older than you and a bit further ahead as it was 18 months ago.

You can’t expect to feel ok now as he has basically ripped your life apart but you will start to feel ok. Seems like your life was centred round your family. I would suggest trying hobbies to distract plus by meeting lots of people you will hopefully make some friends. It’s not going to replace him but the distraction will help.

My friends life was very family orientated to the detriment of herself really. She said I don’t know who I am to me, which was incredibly sad. We are getting her to do things for herself that she enjoys.

You could move house. You could get a rescue dog, it would get you out and about. Please be aware plenty of males will be ‘attracted’ to you because you own you own house.

Hi @Sunshineafter I have a bit of a problem in that i'm a bit agrophobic, my husband wanted me to stay at home and now I feel it's my 'safe place' I may lose my home too as I can't really afford the mortgage. Life just seems so crap at the moment. I don't have a single friend, every day i'd see my MIL after my son went to school, now they don't bother with me, I never dreamt in a million years it would be like this. If I'd done something wrong i'd understand it, but I haven't xx

Move. Find a home you can afford and rebuild. You ex h & family sound vile.

Start today. Work out how much money you will have and go onto Rightmove. Action is the antidote to stress.

@Mollylegs please get yourself referred for some therapy I don’t know a huge amount about your issues but obviously it makes your life much harder. I would start also with some online hobby groups, try meet up it’s free I joined my hiking group obviously that’s outside but there are some online activities.

Is your agrophobia diagnosed?

Hi @Sunshineafter no it's not diagnosed. It all started a few years ago, I used to be able to take the dog out but my husband put a gate at the bottom of our garden as we have a little grass area that used to be a park, so now I can just stand at the gate and watch her, I can't even look after my blooming dog xx

Oh my goodness. That is a HUGE adjustment, after so long together, of course it’s going to take some time even for the shock to settle.

be very gentle with yourself at this time. It’s a whole lot to process.

in a year, you will not feel the same way you do right now.

in two years, even better. And don’t worry about your age… 50 could be the age of a whole new start for you -
but for now, just be gentle. Ask yourself what you like, and get curious about who you are - but don’t force any thing, just be gentle and curious… it’s a whole new relationship with yourself.

and of course it would feel like a betrayal and a big loss to have his family take his side. I am so sorry. It’s a lot to process, and a lot to grieve.

is there any chance of getting a counselor to help you sort out your thoughts on it all?

My husband left me for somebody else and I know I won't trust anyone again so guess I will just have to be lonely.

It's only been 8 months, so never say never. I do know how you feel (have experienced similar), but time can and does change things.

Try to deal with how you feel on a day by day basis and don't make assumptions about how you might feel further down the line - you don't know that.

This. You need to take back control of your life. And you can do that at your own speed.

You can live anywhere you want to, so think about where you will be happiest? Where you have family? Old friends? Coast, market town, city, countryside, village? One of the plus points is you have freedom to choose purely for you. Stay at home and research RightMove. What about a flat or a cottage in a market town, small, easy to heat & keep clean, decorated how you like it, close to the shops.

Try a hobby - crafts, choir, sport - something that gets you out of the house once a week. Check your local college on-line. Something you wouldn't normally do but interests you or gives you a buzz. And take the dog for a stroll down the street and back. Summer is here.

At your own pace xx

Hi @barmycatmum I have been on a waiting list but I have my first phone appointment towards the end of May. I really am struggling with it all. I think in 1 day I lost my whole family, at least people I called family. I still can't understand what I did wrong. They decided to take the side of their son which is fair enough but I would never have treat somebody the way they have treat me. Unfortunately I can see their house from my sons bedroom window, they live very close by, thankyou for replying xx

Hi @peachicecream it's the most awful feeling, I don't want anyone else, I don't think I will ever trust anyone again, take care xxx

I know :( It's so horrendous OP, I hope you are able to look after yourself at the moment.

It sounds like you have so many worries about the future - your son leaving, never finding anyone else etc - I understand, but it's overwhelming to think that way. Taking it one step and one day at a time is so much more manageable.

Can you try thinking about what you need today and what might help you feel better in this moment? - the future is a long way away and it has a way of working itself out in ways we just can't know.

Have you ever had any therapy/ counselling? It can be done over the phone or online so you wouldn't have to leave the house for it, and it might help you to work through some of your feelings. You can go to the GP or go private depending on your financial situation.

@MintJulia Hi, if my home im in now sells wouldn't give me enough money to buy somewhere else buy the time my husband takes half, thanks fpr the advice though x

I am over 50 and on my own too. I have one child still at home but that won't be for that much longer. I understand your feelings and have felt them all, I still do. Losing the wider family you had when a marriage ends is as tough as losing your partner.

I would say that I am generally ok but I can't look too far ahead into the future, I find that quite scary so I don't do it, I try to live for today and to find the positives.

I haven't tried online dating mainly because I hear such horror stories about it - especially on here. However my exH very quickly used it to find a new partner and didn't seem to have any issues. I guess it's just easier for men?

Hi @peachicecream I have an appointment at the end of the month with talking therapies. I am not massively worried about my son leaving just yet, I suppose I need to stop thinking ahead. I don't think I'm worried about meeting someone else, I think everything that's happened will stop me every trusting anyone again. I'm agrophobic, my husband wanted me to be in the house. I didn't have the best childhood so I don't have any family to rely on. My husbands family became my family. I know it's pathetic but I honestly don't have a single friend. I have one mum who I know from the kids going to school together and I can message her but she works and has a busy life with her kids so we don't see each other much. So I'm scared to go out of my home, I don't have anyone to turn to for help or even just a hug. I honestly know that there are so many people worse off than me and I do try and kick myself and give myself a good talking to, but I feel so alone. My 19 year old son is my world, he has been amazing but I feel like a pretty crap mother for getting upset sometimes xx

Another relationship shouldn't be your focus at the moment. So it doesn't matter if you don't think you could be with anyone else or trust anyone else. You've still got a life right? It doesn't pause just because you're single, does it?

I understand your home being your safe place. My marriage ended when I was 37. I didn't have another relationship until I was 46. I dated a bit but how anyone finds a decent man online I do not know! 🤣

My home was also my safe space. I left it (I'd rather not have done but I had no choice for work!) but I didn't have a friend round to my house for over 10 years. To begin woth, i didnt have amy friends to invite over! My world had become very small. Eventually, I decided this couldn't go on any longer and invited a long standing friend round for lunch. I couldn't sleep the night before, I felt anxious, I couldn't breathe properly my heart was pounding so much! At the thought of someone I liked, knew and trusted being in house for an hour! So I made myself do it again - several months later! And now it's easy. A bit of residual anxiety but I ignore that.

My point is that comfort zones can become a prison of our own making.

Everyone else is right that you need to spend time on your own, getting to reknow yourself, working out what you want your life to look like. Allow yourself time to feel defeated but, in the background, start making your plans. Who are you? What are your goals? What do you want your life to look like?

I often say this on here but I started with little routines - always having my first cup of tea of the day in the garden. It's where I am now. Just little things that you are doing just for you.

Don't allow your current reasons to become your future excuses.

When I was in your shoes, that line from The Shawshank Redemption kept running through my head - "Get busy living or get busy dying".

And it's so true.

It doesn't mean its going to be easy! But, in two years time, do you want future you to be feeling the same? I also told myself that present me wasn't comfortable with x, y or z and that tomorrow me wasn't going to feel any differently so I might as well start now. Future me definitely appreciates it! Otherwise, 10 years on, I'd be in the same place I was 10 years ago - fearful, timid, anxious, scared of the world...

Instead, I have a full time job (I could only manage pt before) and my band has a gig this weekend. I have a good relationship and friends I trust. I have hobbies. Things I could only have dreamt of before.

There's nothing special about me. I just decided that my ex husband and my old life wasn't going to define or control the rest of my life and did it.

This post is already too long but if you want me to share how I did it, I will.

Hi @Catlover100 It's just an awful time, I just struggle through every day and on the last xouple of weeks my dog took poorly, if the vet won't operate because of her age I don't know what I'd do without her. My son, my dog and my cat are the only things that give me any joy. I won't go on a dating website, I think maybe I'm better off on my own with what I have now xx

What I will add is that I had an abusive upbringing, I'm nc with my remaining parent and my mil/ex's family were to me what yours were to you. The same happened to me too and so I was left with no husband, no friends, no family... nothing. My dad died 2 weeks before my husband left so I had that to deal with an also lost his wife and my half siblings in the process.

I literally had no one there than my children. No support. Nothing.

You can do it.

Hi @GreyCarpet Thank you for your post, I know a lot of it makes sense, I'm agrophobic so I don't go anywhere. I know I need to pick myself up and try and get on with my life. I don't want anybody else, I think I worded my original post wrongly, I wouldn't really want someone in my life again I think I'm just very lonely. I have seen my MIL every day for the last 15 years but now I don't see her or my SIL I'm finding it quite sad. If you do want to could you message me through mumsnet to give me some more advice, Thanks in advance.

What about once all assets are considered? I'm guessing you don't have much of a pension with not working but that your ex does? Depending on the value of his pension you might be able to keep more or even all of the equity in exchange for letting him keep his pension.

The fact you can see ILs house from yours really wouldn't be helping with the loneliness. I wouldn't want to live near people that used to treat me as family and no longer do. You've been through a lot, it's no wonder you're hurting. As someone who has anxiety I'd suggest online support groups, FB have lots for all sorts of things. I expect there's some for agoraphobics, there's certainly ones for single parents and those with chronic illnesses and mental health conditions.