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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I just going to be alone forever?

53 replies

Mollylegs · 16/05/2023 20:02

My husband left me 8 months ago, I am still devastated. We had been together 21 years and the whole thing has just been a nightmare. I'm 50 years old and i'm now facing the rest of my life alone. My son 19 still lives at home but I know he will leave at some point. My husband left me for somebody else and I know I won't trust anyone again so guess I will just have to be lonely. I know thats a big problem and it's my own fault. I was wondering if anyone my age has any advice? Am I just going to be on my own forever?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 07:37

@GreyCarpet This sounds a loy like me, I suppose it will just take time x

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Original poster
Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 07:39

@scoobydoo1971 thank you for replying, life is pretty rubbish at the moment but I can't see myself with anyone.

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GreyCarpet · 18/05/2023 07:43

Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 07:33

Hi @GreyCarpet Thank you for your post, I know a lot of it makes sense, I'm agrophobic so I don't go anywhere. I know I need to pick myself up and try and get on with my life. I don't want anybody else, I think I worded my original post wrongly, I wouldn't really want someone in my life again I think I'm just very lonely. I have seen my MIL every day for the last 15 years but now I don't see her or my SIL I'm finding it quite sad. If you do want to could you message me through mumsnet to give me some more advice, Thanks in advance.

I'll PM you later - I've got to go to work now 😩

What I would say is. Our difficulties can themselves become a straight jacket. We tell ourselves, "I have X, Y or Z so I can't do..." and they become pur permission to not even try. We let ourselves off.

I've previously had medication for anxiety and depression. On my worst days, I allowed myself to stay in bed etc. On my better days, I did one small thing every day that helped me to feel I was taking back control.

Eg could you stand in the doorway with your door open but inside your house still to watch your dog? Rather than look through the window?

Anyway, I've got to go but I'll message you later.

GreyCarpet · 18/05/2023 07:44

Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 07:37

@GreyCarpet This sounds a loy like me, I suppose it will just take time x

It didn't happen overnight for me either 😉

Original poster
Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 07:45

Hi @EliflurtleTripanInfinite Thanks for your comment, I didn't know there was anything online so I will look into it thanks x

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Original poster
Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 07:47

Hi @snarkyrooster I don't think I could start again with someone else, x

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Original poster
Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 07:50

@GreyCarpet my mother in law said to my son that it has been 7 months and I should be getting on with it, I can't help feeling hurt by them all and I'm not over it yet x

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Original poster
Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 07:54

Thank you so much @GreyCarpet I hope your day goes ok x

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goldenlocks · 18/05/2023 07:56

You poor sausage. Call around different organisations, there will be little groups like crafts or walks or just tea and chat.

Your DH and his family sound awful. Get angry and prove them wrong.

Good luck.

StopStartStop · 18/05/2023 07:58

I know it's pathetic but I honestly don't have a single friend

I don't find that 'pathetic', I find it normal. So, it's just you for the foreseeable future. That's not a bad thing.

Bit by bit work out where you're going to live, and move on from your marital home. Gradually get out and about more. Shop slowly. Join a book club, do things you're only 10% interested in - even if you only try them once, it puts you out there. Then when you get home, you can be really glad you're on your own again!

You might find a partner, you might not, but you can find peace of mind, contentment, happiness, confidence... little by little. You'll get there.

lightbulbmomentsintown · 18/05/2023 07:59

OP, you've had a devastating life change and the future you thought you had had been totally shattered. But your life could really change dramatically for the better, despite all that's happened. I know several people who've been through similar breakups and a few years on now believe it was the best thing that could have happened.

It's very early days for you so you're grieving and probably not sure what to do next but counselling is a really good step forward. You could also seek out some financial advice (you could post a budget on the money section of MN or find a finance/debt charity to talk to) and figure out exactly what you can afford.

Those are two small steps which might bring some energy/movement back into your life and help you gain control of the situation that's been forced on you. You absolutely can have a good life (whether you meet someone or not!).

Original poster
Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 08:02

Thank you @goldenlocks I found it hard that my husband did what he did but his family shocked me just as much. I went and asked my mother in law her if she knew about this other person and she lied to my face saying she has no idea what I was talking about, A friend of mine had shown me some posts on IG and Facebook and my MIL had commented, these obviously are dated. I feel I was owed a bit more respect for her to lie to me.

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Original poster
Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 08:04

Thank you @StopStartStop everything just seems so overwhelming.

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Seaoftroubles · 18/05/2023 08:05

Molly you have had loads of good advice, l was on on your previous thread and the advice was the same but nothing can really change until you take steps to try to face your agoraphobia.I know how hard it is but as @GreyCarpet points out it becomes a straight jacket of your own making. Please speak to your G.P about a referral for your mental health or save up for a private appointment.There is also online advice through Anxiety uk.Please take the first step for your sons sake as well as your own.

StopStartStop · 18/05/2023 08:06

Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 08:04

Thank you @StopStartStop everything just seems so overwhelming.

Yes. Don't rush. Eight months is nothing.

I don't want to scare you, but I think it was twenty-five years before I was fully over the ending of my marriage! But that was the last vestiges. The bulk of recovery takes place in the first two years or so. 💐

Original poster
Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 08:08

Thank you @lightbulbmomentsintown it's been a really difficult time. I have been hoping that I will look back and be ok in a couple of years, thanks for commenting x

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Original poster
Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 08:10

Thank you @Seaoftroubles lots of people have been so kind, I need to find the courage to get out xx

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Original poster
Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 08:11

Thanks @StopStartStop Thanks for your support x

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Seaoftroubles · 18/05/2023 08:34

Molly, yes people have been kind and want to help which shows you how it is possible to reach out and find friends too. But you have to be proactive, don't just wait for the talking therapy appointment, in the meantime see if you can search for other avenues of support as l suggested. You can do it!

Original poster
Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 08:42

Hi @Seaoftroubles thanks for your comment, one step at a time eh? xx

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Seaoftroubles · 18/05/2023 08:56

Molly, yes, just tiny steps to begin with. Start by sitting in the garden with your dog and a cuppa and enjoy the sunshine. Then tomorrow maybe a little bit of gardening. Start small and build on it.xx

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 18/05/2023 11:43

Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 07:50

@GreyCarpet my mother in law said to my son that it has been 7 months and I should be getting on with it, I can't help feeling hurt by them all and I'm not over it yet x

That's a ridiculous thing to say. Not that it wouldn't be fine if you were ok but it's perfectly normal to still be flattened by it 7 months after the person you love and trust so deeply has put you through so much hurt and betrayal. I can't imagine ever trusting someone again the way I trusted my stbxh. I can't imagine ever having a relationship again, for various reasons, what stbxh put me through, my own illness, my social anxiety, SEN kids whose care falls to me 90% of the time.

I am getting on with things, but that's largely because I have little kids, if they were grown up or it was just me it would be a different story. I don't have any IRL friends and it's not quite the same online, but I do have some online friends and we help each other through things and chat.

I know what you mean about feeling it's pathetic not to have friends, but you know what I only think that way about myself. I wouldn't think someone else was pathetic because they didn't have friends, sometimes that's what happens in life for various reasons, people move, get sick, suffer from poor mental health, lose friends when a relationship ends, have a controlling partner, and it doesn't speak to the person they are or worth. I expect like me you're a much harsher judge of yourself then you are of others. Your going through a really tough time right now, it's ok to not be ok.

Original poster
Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 12:44

Hi @EliflurtleTripanInfinite You sound quite a lot like me. My boy is 19 and on the spectrum doesn't leave his bedroom much but he's been amazing while all this has gone on. Don't get me wrong he#s had bad days where he's annoyed and it's me who has to deal with it, no help from his dad. I still feel totally lost. There was a family wedding that myself and my son and my husbans, his parents and sister were going to. Obvs this has been coming up and my shit of a husband said he was bringing her to the wedding, my son said he was not going to sit at a table all day with her and the rest of the family playing happy families. So my son said he wouldn't go, my mother in law has made it plain how furious she was that hher son(my ex) was going to miss his cousins wedding, I pointed out that he's a grown man and could have gone to the wedding with the rest of his family and left her at home. I said he's cut his nose off to spite his face. My mother in law was disgusted that he didn't get to go. According to her I should be fine and over it by now. Some people are just awful. I think I've lost my faith in people xx

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Original poster
Mollylegs · 18/05/2023 12:45

Thank you xx @Seaoftroubles

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highdaysandholudays · 19/05/2023 05:53

You are not alone. My relationship with my ex ended three years ago. I moved out when I found out he's been having an affair. Lied to me repeatedly. I miss my old life terribly at times but my new life is not so bad.

Think small at the moment. My brother was very helpful to me during this time. I was talking to him about work and the fact that I used to go across to Asda every day at lunchtime and buy the same sandwich. He said to me buy a different sandwich. If you put your shoes on in the same order do it in a different order. Change your routine bit by bit so it's not the same as it was before. It helps solidify your new way of thinking so change becomes easier to accept. He's been in AA for years so his way of thinking is interesting.

Another big source of support for me was a Facebook group called Runaway husbands. I don't post that often but when I have the support has been amazing.

Don't even think or consider about a new relationship. That is the least of your worries. I have done some online dating and it's rough out there. I do have someone in my life but I don't see him much as time is short. I like him and his company but I couldn't live with him. I work four days a week and still have kids at home. I'm 53 by the way.

Therapy is very helpful. You need to be able to see yourself as others see you. Because you're going to be very down on yourself at the moment. Be fair to yourself. You're surviving one of the worst experiences I've ever dealt with and I've had a lot of grief in my life. What would you say to someone else who was in your position? It would be damn look at her surviving and living and being just fine on your own. I know it doesn't feel like it.

Have you thought about having a weekend away? I went to my brothers in Devon for a week soon after and it was so helpful.

Feeling lonely is very normal. Feeling like you have no friends is normal. You're not pathetic. You're doing really well and writing a post on here for advice from strangers takes courage. Continue to find support wherever you can and life will start to look better.

Oh and screw your MIL. I spent so much time with mine and gave her a lot of support and she couldn't give a shiny shit about me. She's not worth your headspace.