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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being too sensitive?

63 replies

daydream919 · 16/05/2023 15:11

Hi all, I've been debating leaving DH for a while now but still haven't plucked up the courage. We have no kids, just a puppy and a house together. Been together for 7.5 years. I feel so torn between feeling like I should try harder to make things work and just wanting to walk away.

I have the thought of what my life could be like if we broke up and having freedom again. I'm just not sure if I am just having a crisis of having responsibilities, or if I'm in a controlling relationship. There's been countless examples I could share but just today for example I was criticised several times on our dog walk for not walking her "correctly" or talking too high pitched when giving commands within the space of 20 minutes, and then my foot accidentally caught something getting into the car which he then shouted at me to be more careful. This is how most of my days look, being told how I'm not doing something "right". Generally he will criticise anything I do with the puppy, how clean the house is (when he does not contribute to housework) and on occasion says that I am reckless with money and don't prioritise house improvements (this is usually because I want to go out with friends for dinner/ drinks once a month or so). When I do bring up how much he criticises me, its always said from a place of helping me improve and I'm being overly sensitive or defensive. My family and friends think he is controlling but I worry that I'm twisting things or that they are bias as they are closer to me. My self esteem has been very low so I know that I do sometimes jump to being defensive but I have been working on this with a counsellor (which he encouraged me to see).

Finding it hard to pluck up the courage to end things as I'm worried I will regret it and wondering if I'm the problem by being too sensitive and defensive. Any advice would be helpful.

OP posts:
Sheepsheepeverywhere · 16/05/2023 15:12

I bet you feel 1000 times better as a single woman op.
Oh and take the dpuppy with you when you ltb... It doesn't deserve a life with him...

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 16/05/2023 15:14

from What you’ve written here: definitely leave him.

it will get worse.

piedbeauty · 16/05/2023 15:15

He doesn't do any housework, yet criticises you for not doing enough?

I'd bin him for that alone.

He sounds horrible, op.

Do you ever criticise him? If so, how does he take that?

Scienceadvisory · 16/05/2023 15:16

Your friends and family are right. He is controlling you and it will only get worse. You can always contact a charity like Woman's Aid to talk through what you are going through and to get support.

yellowsmileyface · 16/05/2023 15:35

He is absolutely controlling.

This is what abusive men do, cause you to feel you can't even trust your intuition because they convince you you're just too sensitive, defensive, unreasonable, irrational, etc. It's no surprise he encouraged you to get counselling to enforce the narrative that you're mentally unstable.

You know this doesn't feel right, and it isn't. Trust your intuition, it's there to help you.

Original poster
daydream919 · 16/05/2023 15:53

Wow didn't think there would be a consensus on him being controlling from those examples which probably shows how conditioned my brain is.

@piedbeauty Generally I don't think I criticise him as it would turn into an argument or probably flipped around to a time where I've done something similar.

OP posts:
Isheabastard · 16/05/2023 16:00

There’s a lot of us who have been where you are and wished we’d seen the red flags sooner.

My STBXH encouraged me to get therapy, he thought therapy would help me see things ‘his’ way. It did the exact opposite.

Just make sure you see someone highly qualified. They need the qualifications and experience to help you see through all his bullshit.

OhComeOnFFS · 16/05/2023 16:02

Oh you can't live like that! He's sucking all of the goodness out of your life and making you think you're responsible for the void.

Watchkeys · 16/05/2023 16:06

I think it might be helpful not to look at whether he is doing something wrong (being controlling), or whether you are doing something wrong.

This is supposed to be a relationship. It's supposed to be good for you, and make you happy. There are no rules about how critical he's allowed to be, or how sensitive you 'should' be. You have to make sure you're in a relationship that feels good, to you.

Otherwise we'd all be able to live by a set of rules regarding sensitivity and criticism, and we'd be happy. You're not a robot. You are you, and that involves loving all that you love, disliking all that you like, and being sensitive about things that you are sensitive about. If the relationship makes you feel that you being you is somehow falling short of requirements, they're his requirements, not an edict on 'who you should be' and 'what you should feel'.

Original poster
daydream919 · 16/05/2023 16:09

@Isheabastard sounds similar as he thought that me going to therapy would reduce the arguments as I'd work on my "issues" however the main thing it's shown me that being in this relationship and having self esteem / respect are not compatible. I think I just need to find the courage to actually do something about it now. Hope things are on the up for you 💐

OP posts:
Original poster
daydream919 · 16/05/2023 16:10

@Watchkeys thanks, thats a useful way to think of it. I wouldn't say I've had any happy relationship to compare to so I guess I'm not sure if this is just how things are but thats really helpful!

OP posts:
Chypre · 16/05/2023 16:11

Doesn't really matter if he's controlling or not - he is the way he is, people never change. He won't change his behaviour and you also won't change in your desire for more uplifting/supporting partner.

Watchkeys · 16/05/2023 16:15

so I guess I'm not sure if this is just how things are

Where is the template for 'how things are'? There isn't one. You are responsible for making sure that your life, and the things in it, fit you, i.e. they don't cause you distress or upset you.

neilyoungismyhero · 16/05/2023 16:24

Grab that puppy and run.
I live with someone just like this..it doesn't get better over time..his nose is in everything I do criticising or advising..giving me the helpful benefit of his vast experience. I practically have a nervous breakdown driving him anywhere- life is a nightmare. It really is too late for me but not for you. Save yourself and the pup.

yoga4meinthemorning · 16/05/2023 16:26

You are being abused.

Get out and you will feel such relief.

Original poster
daydream919 · 16/05/2023 16:28

@neilyoungismyhero oh my word I hadn't even thought about the driving - I avoid driving him anywhere because of that. He makes me so nervous that I end up making "mistakes" giving him plenty to criticise. I'm so sorry you're going through similar 💐

OP posts:
Pashazade · 16/05/2023 16:33

There is a reason your friends ands family think he's controlling. Assuming you have healthy relationships with them why would you not believe them? The only time my DH corrects me is when I get it wrong or there's been misinformation. That's it. He certainly wouldn't dream of a running commentary of my errors which is what it sounds like you are going through. If (and that's a big if) we make mistakes good partners help us correct them and support us in doing so, endless criticism is not what happens. No one should live like this, get out and get backing to being you.

AntoniaMacaronia · 16/05/2023 16:37

When I do bring up how much he criticises me, its always said from a place of helping me improve and I'm being overly sensitive

My then husband used to criticise my family and upbringing every Friday night. I discovered MN around the same time and realised that this was a pattern, a pattern of abuse. When we were splitting up I called him up on that weekly behaviour and he said "I was counselling you!". Fanny.

but I worry that I'm twisting things

You're not. It's very difficult to see the extent of abuse when you're in the relationship - they keep your head constantly filled with them and their behaviour intentionally so you don't have the headspace to see what they're doing.

Once you are free of this man you will look back and wonder how on earth you endured it. And you will revel in your freedom Flowers

AntoniaMacaronia · 16/05/2023 16:41

And if your friends and family can see that he's controlling, that's very telling. Often it is a shock to F&Fs because the abuse is so much behind closed doors. For others to see it, that's a good thing, adds a string to your bow.

Women's Aid will be a great support to you.

Those dreams of life without him? It's SO much better than you could ever imagine 😎

TheShellBeach · 16/05/2023 16:41

Oh, OP - get out as soon as you can.
He's persuaded you that you have issues and that your behaviour is somehow unacceptable.

Get out of the Red Flag Department and start living a peaceful life on your own.
I had one like yours - after I left him it was such a relief. It was only when I was alone that I realised what he'd done to me.

Two years later I met DH and we have been very happy.

bibbingo · 16/05/2023 16:57

He's eroding your self confidence and it will only get worse. Get out of there, you'll feel a weight off your shoulders.

Original poster
daydream919 · 16/05/2023 17:11

Thanks so much for all of your useful advice and sharing experiences. Hopefully this will give me the confidence boost I've needed to leave and start enjoying life more again without being constantly monitored.

OP posts:
Natty13 · 16/05/2023 18:39

You definitely have low self esteem. If my DH was critical of me like the examples you gave my response would be "you're not my boss". If he said it was in order to help me improve it would be "I haven't ever asked you do and I don't do that to you either, so stop". There isn't a hope in hell I'd accept being treated or spoken to like that. You must be really on edge all the time? Surely not being criticised all the time will take a load of stress off your mind?

Original poster
daydream919 · 16/05/2023 19:17

@Natty13 yes my self esteem has been very low but I do feel it's improving which is why I'm finally realise I shouldn't put up with his cr*p. Anxiety is a problem too as always wondering when I'm next going to put a foot wrong. Feels hard to leave but I know it will only get worse over time.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 16/05/2023 19:30

Any man uttering the words 'I'm just doing it to help you improve', unless he is in a teaching/instructing role, is, in my view, automatically an utter dick.