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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being too sensitive?

63 replies

daydream919 · 16/05/2023 15:11

Hi all, I've been debating leaving DH for a while now but still haven't plucked up the courage. We have no kids, just a puppy and a house together. Been together for 7.5 years. I feel so torn between feeling like I should try harder to make things work and just wanting to walk away.

I have the thought of what my life could be like if we broke up and having freedom again. I'm just not sure if I am just having a crisis of having responsibilities, or if I'm in a controlling relationship. There's been countless examples I could share but just today for example I was criticised several times on our dog walk for not walking her "correctly" or talking too high pitched when giving commands within the space of 20 minutes, and then my foot accidentally caught something getting into the car which he then shouted at me to be more careful. This is how most of my days look, being told how I'm not doing something "right". Generally he will criticise anything I do with the puppy, how clean the house is (when he does not contribute to housework) and on occasion says that I am reckless with money and don't prioritise house improvements (this is usually because I want to go out with friends for dinner/ drinks once a month or so). When I do bring up how much he criticises me, its always said from a place of helping me improve and I'm being overly sensitive or defensive. My family and friends think he is controlling but I worry that I'm twisting things or that they are bias as they are closer to me. My self esteem has been very low so I know that I do sometimes jump to being defensive but I have been working on this with a counsellor (which he encouraged me to see).

Finding it hard to pluck up the courage to end things as I'm worried I will regret it and wondering if I'm the problem by being too sensitive and defensive. Any advice would be helpful.

OP posts:
Orangemangolime · 16/05/2023 21:42

Hi, hope you are ok. I have recently left a very similar sounding long term relationship and wanted to share my experience.

I considered going to counselling as I wondered if I was being overly defensive or sensitive.
However I came to the conclusion that anyone would be defensive if constantly criticised for minor things, as opposed to it being a negative personality trait of mine that needed to be 'fixed'. Funnily enough no one else has ever mentioned me being defensive!

I spent a while hoping that a 'real' reason would come along for me to end the relationship over, then I realised that that might never happen and I eventually found the courage to end the relationship. I spent ages hoping that things would be better, but I realised I would spend the rest of my life in the same situation if I did not act now.

Since leaving although I miss them, I feel very free and relaxed. I don't regret it. Sending you strength and support!

I did not consider myself to be in a controlling relationship as I associate that with people telling you what to wear or not to go out, so interesting to see others here describing overly critical partner as such!

Original poster
daydream919 · 17/05/2023 07:37

@Orangemangolime thanks for sharing, so sorry you were in that situation but well done for finding the courage. Glad to hear that you don't regret it and feel a lot more relaxed. Hopefully I'll find the same courage soon!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 17/05/2023 09:16

Anxiety is what happens to people when they don't 'have their own back'.

It helped me to see myself separately from myself, if you know what I mean: I have been given a human being to take care of. A fully grown, adult human, with a body and a mind and feelings. And I have to look after this person, as I would look after a child. After all, that's what adulthood is: it isn't that we don't need to be parented, it's that we are old enough to parent ourselves.

If you have someone (i.e. you) looking after you, you don't feel anxious. They will make sure you are not in company that's bad for you, They will make sure you eat enough, keep yourself warm and dry, and get some exercise. They will make sure you are in a position in your life where you are stimulated enough, loved enough, heard and understood enough.

OP you are not taking responsibility for yourself. This man makes you feel bad, but you keep allowing yourself to go back, like allowing a child to continue to go to the park where the bullies spend time. This is why you're anxious. Just like that child, who goes to the park and doesn't understand why everyone thinks they're crap. You'd stop the child going to the park, wouldn't you? Perhaps send them to a club instead where others had the same interests as them?

Original poster
daydream919 · 17/05/2023 10:45

@Watchkeys good way to look at it and I have never thought of it in that way. But yes I know you are correct that I am allowing him to treat me that way and I need to take some responsibility for that. I'm sure you're right that I'd likely not feel anxious if I didn't deep down know that I'm keeping myself in a situation that isn't right.

OP posts:
AntoniaMacaronia · 17/05/2023 11:24

I did not consider myself to be in a controlling relationship as I associate that with people telling you what to wear or not to go out, so interesting to see others here describing overly critical partner as such!

@Orangemangolime I didn't think I was in a controlling relationship either until my WA support worker told me. I said "But he doesn't stop me from seeing anyone" and she asked if he tried to put me off them. Well, yes, he certainly did - "I don't like her", "Be careful you don't trust her", "Never tell anybody anything". And he would make some kind of totally unrelated fuss just before I was due to go out, hence I'd have half a mind on him.

He didn't tell me what to wear as such but would say the colour could be different. Or the least subtle put down was that my new dress was "fine".

It was all so very subtle, all do easily deniable, but the end result was still me feeling utterly shit.

I'm glad you found the courage to end the relationship. So many people wait for the big blow up, the first hit, whatever. I think it's so much more powerful to end it when things are going along as they usually are.

TheShellBeach · 17/05/2023 11:58

How are you today, OP?
Are you planning to leave?

SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 17/05/2023 12:21

neilyoungismyhero if you don’t mind my asking, why is it too late for you?

Original poster
daydream919 · 17/05/2023 14:06

@AntoniaMacaronia this sounds exactly what my DH does, go in a huff about something else before I go out so I'm also anxious while out and passes comment on my family and friends to try to put me off them. It all sounds so similar. How did you finally have the courage to leave if you don't mind me asking? I find all the practicalities are what's keeping me here.

@TheShellBeach OK thank you for asking 💐I feel in emotional turmoil and exhausted from it as I know deep down I really want to leave but I just can't bring myself to do it yet. I keep thinking it might not always be this bad and worrying about the practicalities. I don't think I could take the puppy with me as I expect I'd need to move back with family for a bit while we sell the house and none of my family could accomodate her (no chance he would move out and I wouldn't want to stay when I end things). Sounds like a stupid excuse just all the things running through my head atm.

OP posts:
AntoniaMacaronia · 17/05/2023 14:20

How did you finally have the courage to leave if you don't mind me asking?

I tried to end the marriage but that, too, had to be his way. He left to go and live with his girlfriend. If I had had the strength then that I do now things would have been very different but his tactics were working and I could do nothing.

Sounds like a stupid excuse

No, it sounds like you're thinking things through and wanting to get your ducks in a row, as they say. I really think it wouldn't do you any harm to contact Women's Aid. It's good that you're talking it through here but RL support is invaluable too, they can advise on every aspect of what you're going through.

Original poster
daydream919 · 17/05/2023 14:36

@AntoniaMacaronia That sounds very tough but I'm glad you are in a better place now. Thank you - I have spoken to Womens Aid last year when things were even worse (punched walls on multiple occasions) and got some support so can't hurt to speak to them again for more practical advice.

If anything the behaviour I've put in my original post is just the tip of the iceberg as it's been accumulating over time.. and has been worse at points.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 17/05/2023 15:25

OP, you are wasting time with a violent vicious controlling man.

Wasting time.

Thank god you never inflicted him on children.

Thank god for that at least.
Men like him terrorise children and homes.

Tell your family and pack a bag.

You are leaving because of domestic abuse.

Get out.
Force the sale.
Move on with your life.

Anything else is just wasting time.

SpringleDingle · 17/05/2023 15:28

Why the holy fuck should you need to “improve”???? Surely you are a fully formed gorgeous woman!! You’d be far happier being single (and perfect as you are)!

Annoyingwurringnoise · 17/05/2023 15:35

Well, I admit I haven’t read any of the responses, and I’ve only read your OP, but just from that I would agree with your family and friends, he is controlling.

right, now to read all the responses, which I bet 95% will agree with me and your family and friends.

Whenever I see one of these threads in here titled ‘am I being oversensitive/over reacting’ or such like, 99 times out of 100 it’s not the OP being oversensitive or overreacting, it’s their arsehole partner/DH being an abusive twat. You, OP, are not the exception.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 17/05/2023 15:50

Ok, so I was wrong, 100% of responses agree with your family and friends.

I hope you have the strength to leave.

AntoniaMacaronia · 17/05/2023 16:06

If anything the behaviour I've put in my original post is just the tip of the iceberg as it's been accumulating over time.. and has been worse at points.

That doesn't surprise me one bit. Death by a thousand cuts/boiled frog analogy, call it what you will, it's all designed to have your esteem in the depth of your boots. Then they complain you're no fun. Twats.

Good luck to you, @daydream919 , you can do this 💪

TheShellBeach · 17/05/2023 16:25

How often is he physically aggressive or violent?

Watchkeys · 17/05/2023 16:31

TheShellBeach · 17/05/2023 16:25

How often is he physically aggressive or violent?

Why is this relevant to anything?

Original poster
daydream919 · 17/05/2023 16:32

@TheShellBeach he has punched the wall on 2 occasions but has never laid a hand on me

OP posts:
Original poster
daydream919 · 18/05/2023 08:29

I've emailed a solicitor this morning and keeping track of all the cr*p he does/says so that I can keep my head straight and keep this momentum going. Thanks for all your help in opening my eyes.

OP posts:
Divebar2021 · 18/05/2023 08:36

This is how most of my days look, being told how I'm not doing something "right"

My family and friends think he is controlling

These are the two most important statements in your OP. No one would be able to handle being criticised all day. Your friends and family are right x

Ihavekids · 18/05/2023 08:40

It's as simple as- he doesn't make you happy, so you leave.

You don't actually need to worry about who's wrong and who's right.

This relationship is dragging you down, so end it.

You'll be so much happier.

Life is so short, don't waste any more of it.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 18/05/2023 08:42

Well he sounds bloody awful. Please don't waste any more of your life with him.

Tellmeimcrazy · 18/05/2023 08:44

Vile man. Leave him and take the puppy with you.

Sundaysundaebananasplit · 18/05/2023 08:57

Watchkeys · 17/05/2023 09:16

Anxiety is what happens to people when they don't 'have their own back'.

It helped me to see myself separately from myself, if you know what I mean: I have been given a human being to take care of. A fully grown, adult human, with a body and a mind and feelings. And I have to look after this person, as I would look after a child. After all, that's what adulthood is: it isn't that we don't need to be parented, it's that we are old enough to parent ourselves.

If you have someone (i.e. you) looking after you, you don't feel anxious. They will make sure you are not in company that's bad for you, They will make sure you eat enough, keep yourself warm and dry, and get some exercise. They will make sure you are in a position in your life where you are stimulated enough, loved enough, heard and understood enough.

OP you are not taking responsibility for yourself. This man makes you feel bad, but you keep allowing yourself to go back, like allowing a child to continue to go to the park where the bullies spend time. This is why you're anxious. Just like that child, who goes to the park and doesn't understand why everyone thinks they're crap. You'd stop the child going to the park, wouldn't you? Perhaps send them to a club instead where others had the same interests as them?

Wow, I love this!

Original poster
daydream919 · 18/05/2023 11:05

@Divebar2021 so true, hard to see it when you're in it but the anxiety I feel over everything I do isn't right.

@Ihavekids you're right it doesn't matter who is wrong and right it only matters if you're happy.

OP posts: