Am I being too sensitive?

[daydream919]

Hi all, I've been debating leaving DH for a while now but still haven't plucked up the courage. We have no kids, just a puppy and a house together. Been together for 7.5 years. I feel so torn between feeling like I should try harder to make things work and just wanting to walk away.

I have the thought of what my life could be like if we broke up and having freedom again. I'm just not sure if I am just having a crisis of having responsibilities, or if I'm in a controlling relationship. There's been countless examples I could share but just today for example I was criticised several times on our dog walk for not walking her "correctly" or talking too high pitched when giving commands within the space of 20 minutes, and then my foot accidentally caught something getting into the car which he then shouted at me to be more careful. This is how most of my days look, being told how I'm not doing something "right". Generally he will criticise anything I do with the puppy, how clean the house is (when he does not contribute to housework) and on occasion says that I am reckless with money and don't prioritise house improvements (this is usually because I want to go out with friends for dinner/ drinks once a month or so). When I do bring up how much he criticises me, its always said from a place of helping me improve and I'm being overly sensitive or defensive. My family and friends think he is controlling but I worry that I'm twisting things or that they are bias as they are closer to me. My self esteem has been very low so I know that I do sometimes jump to being defensive but I have been working on this with a counsellor (which he encouraged me to see).

Finding it hard to pluck up the courage to end things as I'm worried I will regret it and wondering if I'm the problem by being too sensitive and defensive. Any advice would be helpful.

OP
You need to keep telling yourself that you deserve better than this.

Get this horrible men out of your head. He's a nobody. He's somehow persuaded you that you're worthless. You're not. Your self-esteem has been knocked away.

Get away from him.

Well done, good luck with everything.

Update. I told him I think he is controlling and he's effectively swung it back round in me saying I'm the abusive one, or that I like being the victim so I'm overplaying everything he does negatively. He said he never stops me going anywhere he just expects that if I go out for a day or into the office that he then has a day where he doesn't have to look after puppy. Which I suppose is fair enough. He barely goes out with his friends and somehow that means I'm the abusive one. Tried to give examples of when I think he's been controlling but every one of them seemed to get twisted. Now I feel like it's all in my head and what if I'm the abusive one.

@daydream919 , You are not the abusive one. Once you get away, you will realise just how badly he has treated you.

He is not going to agree with you. You do not need his permission to end the relationship. You can do it. Take all the support your family and friends will give.

I think you need to make a plan to leave without telling him, he will make it very difficult for you. Anyone can end a relationship without the other person's agreement. It wouldn't matter even if yiu were wrong, you can still end it.

Make sure that you get anything items that are important to you out of the house and somewhere safe. Any of your funds that he may be able to access need to be protected.

This is a well known technique that controlling people use DARVO, deny attack reverse victim offender. He IS controlling, you, your family and friends and all the PPs who responded are right.

Please see that this is more control, he's making you doubt yourself again. He will never admit to controlling you that would make him the bad one which to his mind he cannot be. As pp said you do not need permission, please please leave. Perhaps you have a local fostering service that could look after the puppy, it's certainly worth a Google. That way you can just leave and go to family.
You need to get out now, as he may become more controlling and potentially dangerous now he's aware that you've understood what he's doing.

OP he's never, ever going to agree with you that HE has a 'problem' !

So stop trying to 'discuss' the issues with him, because it will only ever end in him turning it round on YOU, because that's what he does !

You need to accept that nothing you do ever could/would change him, because he doesn't WANT to change !

He's a classic narcissist, who can only ever feel good about himself by making you feel inferior (which you're NOT !).

You aren't happy, and you'll never be able to be happy with him, because he'll continue to erode your fragile self worth every, single day.

Just concentrate in getting free of him. Moving out and moving forward with your life without being dragged down daily and walking on eggshells constantly.

You deserve to be happy ffs , so stop seeking his co-operation, validation or agreement, just go.

Thanks again for the replies, helps to know that's common behaviour and I'm not going crazy. I know I need to just get out and stop giving him the chance to convince me otherwise

Op you have took the step to put this in text to ask for advice, you feel like you want to leave. You already know the answer, you just need people to confirm your feelings.

If this man isn't making you happy, if he's making you feel miserable everyday, if he's criticising you every day, if your feeling down everyday. What reason is there to stay?

Pluck up that courage to leave and make a happy life for yourself and the pup.

Best of luck x

@YerArseInParsley thanks for your response. I actually posted this 6 months ago but your response has been much needed as I sit here in the same position...

Actually I broke up with him in between this for a period of 3 weeks but he talked me round again. Making me doubt myself and that I'm choosing to be unhappy and I'll never be happy with my outlook on life. Rather I'm the problem and not the situation that I'm in.

He's actually been very well behaved and pleasant since but I'm sure this is just to remove the threat of me leaving and it will be back to normal in a few months time. So I'm still here but giving myself until the end of year to make a decision either way to leave or to find a way to be happy with him.

Abusive men are incredibly skilled in talking you round and convincing you you owe them another chance.

So you're giving it 'til the end of the year. What happens when you break up with him again, and he talks you round again? Do you expect he's just going to accept it next time?

You have to make the decision to leave, and stick to it.

You're doubting yourself because he's gaslighting you. My ex convinced me I was mentally unwell so my mind was twisting everything and making it seem worse than it was, and that I was self sabotaging a great relationship with my negativity. He too convinced me that I was the problem, and I believed it for years. It's been nearly 5 years since I left and I've honestly never been happier, nor have I, even for a second, regretted leaving.

Abusive men are also completely capable of improving their behaviour for as long as they need to when they sense they're losing you. He'll keep up the charade as long as he needs to, but it's not indicative of actual change.

It'll never be easier to leave than it is right now. It only gets harder and harder.

Its so sad to read you left him, yet allowed that violent, vile, arsehole talk you round.
So so sad.

At least you never inflicted him on children which is something.
He would have bullied and terrorised them, utterly destroying them.
So thank god for that at least.

You deserve so much better.

@yellowsmileyface thanks for sharing your experience it's so helpful to hear and I'm glad you are much happier now. I'm finding it very hard to see the wood from the trees. I was so sure of myself at the time and was so scared I wouldn't have the strength to go through with it which is what's now happening. Stuck in a toxic cycle and I'm so fed up of moaning about him. On the other hand I'm worried that I'm just crazy and I'm the one who's problematic so that even if I do leave I'll always find something to complain about and never have a healthy relationship. It just feels like I'm going insane over it tbh, changing my mind multiple times a day.