Has anyone come back from the brink of divorce?

[Helpots]

Im a family lawyer, and I do have a few clients each year who’ve already started divorce proceedings but reconcile.

separated from H just over 7 weeks ago, he left, I think he’s had a breakdown, had a torrid 8 months throughout which he kept changing his mind about whether or not he wanted to continue with the marriage, but telling me throughout he loved me up to 2 days before he left me.

he now no longer loves me, doesn’t want to be with me, is holed up in his mums spare room, no intention to move out of there, not consulted solicitors beyond some online advice, can’t speak to me without being incredibly insulting and shouting at me

I know the advice will be to move on but I’m not ready to at the moment.

has anyone on here managed to come back from the brink?

It sounds like there's someone else. It's such familiar, predictable behaviour.

Weird behaviour like this usually means he's trying to make you look unreasonable and that he has a reason to have an affair.

It often means they have to do weird shit like start shouting at you, accusing you of nonsense stuff etc. All while you are there stunned but quite calm and not behaving in any way that fits their description.

It's very troubling, upsetting and headfuckery.

Stop trying to figure him out. He's behaving really badly.

I would start divorce proceedings personally.

So many people post on here that their husband was saying they loved them/booking a holiday/ buying thoughtful gifts etc right up until they left. Unfortunately you need to accept it is possible to love someone AND not find being with them makes you happy anymore (or believe someone new will make you happier).

You don't want to come back from the brink. He's been torn between you and something/someone else for months. You can't trust him to always be there.

And yes, I tried many times with my stbxh.

He would behave horribly. I would suspect or find evidence of an affair. He would grovel and reel me back in.

The last time it happened, he assaulted me. I'm done. He's a dickhead. No more shitty behaviour.

I bet if you start taking divorce action, he will shit his pants, start crying and grovelling. But then it's up to you whether you want a dickhead for a husband, playing games with your mind.

Take charge.

So for 8 whole months he’s kept you dangling on a string ? I’d say that’s emotional abuse, and now he’s verbally abusive when you speak. File for divorce and free yourself, and your mind.

Thank you everyone.

I don’t think there’s an affair - tbh he’s never been that interested in women and only had a handful of girlfriends before me, think his longest relationship was about 2 years when he was in his 20s. He has an issue with affection and intimacy, again this has caused problems throughout our marriage, it’s left me feeling wretched

my dd is now missing him and being affected; I’m living in lala land with a fantasy that he’ll realise what he’s left here, a lovely home, a good wife, a beautiful daughter. My family is dying and I can’t accept that I should just let it die, even if he doesn’t care right now

I don’t have the strength to file a divorce yet, I’m going to set a date in the summer

I just feel bereft and as though I’m living in a dream, my DD has said the same

Just file. Don't wait. Take charge for your daughters sake otherwise you will be mooning around waiting for him to change his mind for months. I filed. We are still together.

@Helpots ahhh I can get where your coming from my husband left 7 weeks ago he did it on the sly , I had to ring him to be told he had moved out and wasn’t coming back ! He hasn’t bothered with me are our son since he left it’s like we don’t even exist. Just try and take each day as it comes x it’s his loss.
.

@nowinhouse were your circumstances similar to mine? My husband has severe depression and is adamant that we’re over but not doing anything about it. Can I ask how you came to reconcile?

@Kindheartedperson i am so sorry to hear this - how are you and your son coping? Has he given you any reason? You sound a lot stronger than I do x

@Helpots i take each day as they come not gonna lie had an awful day yesterday but I am feeling better today, little man is really struggling he doesn’t understand why he is not seeing daddy, I just tell him daddy is working making penny’s for him 🤦‍♀️. I’m a great believer in what goes around comes around.

@Helpots his reason was he didn’t love me 🤣🤣 but was happy to live off me for years

@Kindheartedperson so very sad for your little boy - my DD dad left her when she was 6 months old, but with love and family support, she's good.

Had your H been telling you he still loved you prior to him leaving? I'm having 'better' days but they're still absolutely beyond dreadful - just want my life back

Can I ask - would you take him back?

On MN a lot of people think that "another woman" is involved. My ex husband had a break down and wanted out. It was desperately sad for me... I am sorry, I think someone needs to be in the right headspace to fight for a marriage.

@Livelifelaughter sadly I think this is what's happened with us too, I just can't conceive there's another woman, when I've accused him (with no evidence) he's become really upset that I'd think that of him, he's saying that our arguments and the ensuing toxicity has caused him to lose his feelings for me.

I'm struggling to accept that he does. Mentioned to DD last night that I'm struggling with him seemingly hating me - her response was that she does think he loves me - not sure what makes her think this and didn't want to push her, perhaps wishful thinking on her part.

He has seemingly loved me so much in the past, he fought for our marriage last year when I wanted out due to his behaviour

I'm sorry to hear that you and your XH couldn't work it out - how are you doing now? Did you struggle to accept it?

Hi @Helpots to answer your initial question yes my DH and I did come back from the brink of divorce and are still together. But it took nearly two years for the crisis to be worked through with us separated for much of that time and it was incredibly tough. My H had some form of breakdown as well as a very brief affair - that bit was over almost as soon as it began - but the fallout in terms of his mental state lasted a long time during which he was quite often extremely hostile to me. He has explained it since as a combination of guilt and shame which made him unable to be around me. In his mind it was easier to start again than try to mend things - but then he'd get sad and miss me which frustrated him. I have to say that the advice given by a PP about moving on with your life and filing if you need to is the same advice I would give. No matter how much your H loves you and you love him, he isn't good for you right now and you need to look after yourself and your daughter. I wish you the very best of luck and some peace in your future

Op, your family isn't dying.

You and your dd are still a family. You're still there for her. You're the family. You're the rock.

Your h has bailed. It's not good enough.

Just file for divorce. You can always change your mind but he needs to know you mean business.

Sounds like this crap has been going on for a while now since you decided you might leave last year.

And you say he got upset at the suggestion of an affair. They all do that.

@Puppylucky your comment has given me hope, I’m prepared to work at this marriage as I wholly love this man who, depression aside, is a good man. Can I ask what what your husband’s MH issue was? Was there a point where it seemed absolutely hopeless for you?

@Helpots yeah I had no idea that he was packing up and leaving, i was at a meet for our little boy to try and get him in a Sen school he has asd, he really struggles in mainstream school. @Helpots i said I was having a good day not a just want to go to bed and sleep I had a phone call of school my little boy had a complete meltdown pull teachers hair so now he not aloud back to school until monday. We now have an emergency meeting in place to look at finding him a Sen school that can meet his needs. He has always been a handful but a think since husband left he has really struggled with change and not seeing him.

My marriage ended many years ago. Interestingly my ex became hostile to me and honestly I cannot tell you why, I think it made it easier to distance himself from me. We haven't spoken in years. I had a few brief relationships before really falling in love again some 15 years later but that hasn't worked out. I had many years where I was a very happy single person but actually after tasting love again I do want to be in a relationship. It's so so hard, I really genuinely feel for you.

@Helpots He was never formally diagnosed but all this happened after a period of extreme trauma - think there was also a bit of Midlife Crisis going on as well. I'm glad if you have hope but I would reinforce that it took him a long time to get over it and in the meantime he inflicted serious damage on me and our marriage. I'm glad that our marriage survived in lots of ways but if I had my time again I'm not sure I would have waited. Please do take care of yourself first and let him sort himself out.

@Puppylucky I can't believe how much this is damaging me. It doesn't help that I'm a divorce lawyer so I'm sat at my desk just brooding about divorce all day, whilst dealing with all of this. During your separation, did he cut off contact with you at all? My H has cut me off completely, can't even discuss things about DD with him, it's as if me and our past 13 years were worthless

Why does he get to call the shots?
come on now - game face on!

@Comtesse I just can't find my hand face - I was a confident independent woman till around 12 months ago. And now I'm lost and desolate

There's no harm in waiting for a while before you decide what you want to do, and see how the situation progresses.

@Malbecmoron it's driving me ill mentally, I just don't know what to do either way